Dating Again After Breakup

[MeadowFlower]

What is your definition of being ready to date again after a breakup (ie, having been dumped)?

[Senorheartbreak]

For me its when you are over them/indifferent. When they stop occupying too much time in your mind. When you know you wont be thinking about them while dating. When you know you arent dating to get over them or to fill a void that they left. I think if you aren't at this point and you force yourself to date, you will just create more issues for yourself and others. Work on yourself until you are at this point., there is no rush. Even if your ex is dating its better to keep working on yourself till you know you are ready to maximize your chance of finding something meaningful.

 

Mine was particularly difficult and it was only after the 9 month mark that i felt i was ready to go back out there and it feels great.

[MeadowFlower]

Thanks @Senorheartbreak.

 

What if I never become indifferent to him or completely indifferent?

[Beachead]

Thanks @Senorheartbreak.

 

What if I never become indifferent to him or completely indifferent?

 

You will.

 

When you are involved with something daily, your brain reprograms itself to make it easier to focus on it. Thoughts become automatic and habitual. That's why when a person that mattered to us is no longer in our life..we feel a void. We don't know what to do with ourselves. It's also why sometimes even if we know someone's not good for us, we still want them or continue to run back to them. It's a result of those old circuits firing away. You have to be strong for yourself and exercise a lot more mental discipline in the beginning to stop yourself from flowing with those thoughts and to help jump start your brain into reprogramming itself. That's why we shouldn't rely on time alone to help us heal. You need to physically get out and experience new things, new activities, new people. All of which will give back to you and help you heal.

 

A lot of those incapacitating feelings that you may feel like not being able to think about anything else but him, not wanting to do anything else but lie in your bed, loss of appetite, chest pains are actually a result of that. Your mind will eventually sort that part out and you'll feel it eventually when you no longer feel that desperation, that paralysis. When you actually catch yourself forgetting to think about them because it seems to take more effort to do so. You'll start noticing new people..start to find them attractive. That's when you're ready.

 

That's when you will be ready.

 

- Beach

Edited March 22, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

OP, I just started dating again and it's been almost 5 months for me. I don't necessarily feel "ready" but I knew I had to do something to get out of the mud. I have felt like I was stuck for a while now and that I kept going backwards into a sad place instead of going forward into a hopeful place.

 

I got on the app Hinge and have had 2 dates so far. It is not easy. After the first one, I was sad driving home because I was thinking that he wasn't my ex. And that connection wasn't there. But I made myself go out again yesterday and that guy seems pretty cool. I think it went well and I think we're going out again. The best thing was that I didn't think about my ex one time with the second guy. I went to bed feeling hopeful. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and was racked with anxiety about what my ex is doing. So it's not a straight line for me. But I know at least now I feel like I'm moving forward.

 

I would advise you to take the time you need to grieve. It's totally fine to stay away from dating if you need to. Maybe instead of focusing on dating you can focus on doing new things, going to new places, joining clubs, etc. You'll meet some new people and maybe one of them will be a romantic prospect. If not, you've made new friends and are filling your time with fun things instead of sitting at home feeling sad.

[MeadowFlower]

If you are at a place where, if your ex came back you'd go back with them, is it okay to still date and get into a relationship with someone else?

[Happy Lemming]

What is your definition of being ready to date again after a breakup (ie, having been dumped)?

 

After being dumped, I'll go home grab a shower & a shave and I'm ready to date again. Out to the bar/pub and start looking.

 

I'm not going to stay home and give power to the person that dumped me. I'm not going to sit on my couch and be sad about something out of my control. That person didn't want me... OK. I can't make that ex like or want me, so they can't make me sit home and be sad.

[MeadowFlower]

Yes, @Happy Lemming, that's you....

[Happy Lemming]

Yes, @Happy Lemming, that's you....

 

It can be you... Be strong... Don't give that power to someone else... Show them you are resilient...

 

If you sit home on your couch and be sad... they win.

[basil67]

If you are at a place where, if your ex came back you'd go back with them, is it okay to still date and get into a relationship with someone else?

 

Absolutely not. Put yourself in the his shoes: If you were in a relationship with a guy who would still go back to his ex, would you be OK with it?

 

I think you're ready to date when you're ready to move on from them.

[MeadowFlower]

I think you're ready to date when you're ready to move on from them.

 

That's a key point to being ready. That there. ^

[nolanola]

I think you can wait and that's not a bad thing, but sometimes you have to just do it before you're "ready". When I hit a real low point a few weeks ago, my brother encouraged me to meet some new men. When I said I wasn't ready, he compared it to going to the gym or working out. For a lot of us, we don't feel like leaving the house and going to the gym to work out. But it's good for us, so we make ourselves do it.

 

If you meet a great person, you may start to see your ex in less of a good light. At that point you might not want them back. If you sit around hoping your ex will come back, you will probably waste a lot of your life. And also, I've always found that exes never come back until you're over them and moved on. That's just the way it's always been for me, but somehow they know. It's something about putting that energy into the universe or something. So if you want your ex back, the best thing you could do is try to move on.

 

I'm not belittling your pain, believe me I understand. But to some extent, it's a conscious choice to do things that make your life better. You can also make a conscious choice to stay in that place. And that's ok if you need to be there for a while longer.

[Cersei]

I think it varies from person to person.

I got dumped on a Wed. (It was not a very serious relationship though) and I set up an online profile the following Saturday. I met a great guy in person exactly 1 week later and it's become a great relationship.

 

Looking back I was not ready, just pissed off and needed a distraction. Luckily it did workout but I think the stars were aligned or something because I think my case it pretty rare.

 

I think you need to just try it, see how it goes and assess if you feel ready or not. If you do not feel ready don't push it. Step back and you should know when you are more ready.

[Happy Lemming]

Luckily it did workout but I think the stars were aligned or something because I think my case it pretty rare.

 

Similar thing happened to me... Woman dumped me, went out to my local pub that night, met someone better.

 

I don't think its all that rare. With approximately 7.53 billion people in the world, there is going to be a "next" for you... Odds are in your favor.

 

The caveat is... that person isn't going to knock on your door. You are going to have to go out in the world and find them. Whether going to a bar/pub or putting yourself on a dating app, you have to take a proactive approach to meeting your "next".

[MeadowFlower]

@nolanola, so do you think it's okay to date and get into a relationship while still not moved on from an ex? In that, you'd go back to them if they came back.

[nolanola]

I think you should do what is best for you, not your ex. Don't think about it from the perspective of your ex. If you're thinking "should I date because my ex might come back" I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and a delay in your healing. In addition to putting your life on hold for someone else. Your ex may or may not come back but it's probably best that you assume that he won't.

 

If you're thinking about it as "should I date because I'm not sure I'm ready to be with someone else" then I think that is reasonable because you're putting your healing first. I think getting out of the house, without expectations to meet someone or "the one" can only be good for you. You will probably feel better and you might make some friends.

[FMW]

If you are at a place where, if your ex came back you'd go back with them, is it okay to still date and get into a relationship with someone else?

 

No. Well, unless right up front you tell them hey, if my ex gives me the chance I'm going back to him. Which I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do, so - no.

[preraph]

You shouldn't be waiting for an ex to come back. I mean, you broke up for a reason. If it wasn't your idea, then he just knows something you don't, which is that a relationship with you is not working for him and he doesn't want it or he wouldn't have left. You should not be of the mindset that someone who doesn't want you, you'll take back. It isn't ever going to benefit you in any way.

 

You need to date when you come across someone that you can get a little excited about. Once you're with someone who loves you back, you'll wonder what you ever saw in the ex.

[MeadowFlower]

I could always join a nunnery

[MeadowFlower]

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

[FMW]

I could always join a nunnery

 

From looking at your other thread it looks like you have been broken up for two months. I think it's way to soon to be looking at a nunnery

 

Get out and have fun with your friends, flirt with guys, hang out with them even. Just wait a little bit to get involved in another relationship that's more than casual.

[Zangetsu]

The best thing that has worked for me, was starting dating as soon as I felt ready and had desire to meet someone new. But I kept it casual, fun and light. After loosing a deep connection it is important to experience some width. Dating around, meeting new people, going to parties, dancing, traveling etc. It helps moving on, and then you will be truly ready for something deep again. Hope this helps

[MeadowFlower]

What if, hypothetically, I never come to the place that I wouldn't go back with him. Would that mean I should never get in another relationship?

[fieldoflavender]

It's okay. It sounds like you've done with this for a while. Of course it may not exactly be the most fair to the other person, but honestly life isn't fair. As long as you would say - you aren't completely using them as a place holder and would be open to someone better/who actually cares about you.

 

Sometimes we never truly get "over" people and those feelings come back during when you are alone again or whenever. But anyways, one has to move on.

 

As long as you are willing to give it an honest chance and don't lie blatantly if someone asks you, then I think it's fine. Or even just say - I am mostly casual dating (doesn't have to be casually sleeping around).

[Blanco]

I think you can wait too long. I've never been one to rush back into dating after a breakup, but one of the takeaways from my life following my last breakup four years ago is that eventually, you have to try to put yourself back out there.

 

My own experience has been that I'm never totally over the last one until a solid prospect comes around. I can do all the things they say you should do after a breakup, but until I find that next girlfriend-caliber person, there's part of me that still aches for the most recent ex.

 

I didn't date really at all the last several years for a variety of reasons, but one was definitely because I was so hurt from the last breakup. But here's the thing: I look back now and realize that my reluctance to even try dating has kept me, in a sense, still missing my ex even though we aren't right for each other.

 

So while I think rushing back out there is a bad idea for most people, you can do yourself a disservice and lose a lot of time if you wait for that mystical right time to get back out there.