How to hide that you have a crush?

[Herbalist]

TL;DR - What are ways that women accidentally show they have a crush on someone? I am a woman and need to make sure I don't let it show that I like someone.

 

Long Version -

 

So the situation is that I have a not-serious crush on a coworker. We work closely all the time and it's not the sort of situation where it's possible to be otherwise.

 

I think it's basically just a case where we have common interests, I think they are funny and just feel relaxed talking with them, and I have been single for literally years. Basically I am growing to value them as an actual friend, but simply because they are cute to me and I have been single so long, my brain is creating a silly crush. I didn't really acknowledge it to myself until I had a really candid dream, which was quite awkward, and also just made it even worse.

 

The thing is in addition to being a coworker they are also taken. They have been with their SO for years and I can tell that my crush is very loyal to their SO, which is something I admire a lot and also is something that makes me relieved like in an "off the hook" sort of way, because I know that they are someone who won't try to tempt me basically.

 

But that's also part of why I'm here today asking for advice. They mention their SO a lot and seemingly randomly. At one point they randomly showed me a photo of their SO. We talk about their SO sometimes, who seems like a cool person from our conversations about them, and I didn't really think anything of it, until a conversation with another coworker came up.

 

The other coworker is married but gets hit on by customers sometimes. So they were venting about this in a light hearted way and explained that they frequently mention their spouse in conversations in order to shut down flirting from customers.

 

And that instantly just made me super paranoid that my crush randomly mentions their SO because they can tell I have a crush on them. On one hand again that is quite admirable and makes me respect them as a friend even more, but on the other hand it's kind of humiliating. I can't help how I feel but I would never try to flirt with a taken person. I figured I was hiding my crush just fine, but now I'm really paranoid and self-conscious about it.

 

Like the other day we accidentally brushed against each other while moving a bunch of stuff, then accidentally stared awkwardly about it for 2 seconds and then immediately just ignored it. With any other coworker I wouldn't have thought about it at all, but in that situation all I could think was god damn it he probably thinks I did that on purpose and is going to mention his girlfriend out of nowhere again and I'm so damned embarrassed.

 

It's seriously driving me nuts, any advice would be really appreciated.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

As awkward as it must feel when that happens, you just need to keep reminding yourself that it is better to reminded of their partner, rather than be encouraged and given false hope that there is something more between you. Trust me, that is worse, because it feeds your crush and makes it harder to control. Dropping a partner into the conversation can be as much as a reminder to them as it is to you as well, so try not to feel bad.

 

The best way of managing an unwanted crush is to avoid long conversations when possible, and keep it brief. You don't need reminders of how much you have in common. Avoid extended eye contact and smiles. Be polite, but keep your voice as neutral as possible. It is too risky to be "friends".

 

It may take some time to master because it goes against every instinct when you have a crush, but it sounds like it is the right thing to do for you.

 

Just one last comment. You don't mention the reason why you have been single for a while, but I just wonder if this crush is a sign that perhaps you want/need some romance in your life? Not everyone wants to be in a relationship to be sure, but if the inclination is still there, it might be worth thinking about?

[d0nnivain]

It feels more dramatic & more important to you because you are focused on it. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Just try to act normal.

[Herbalist]

Thank you both for the input, I appreciate it.

 

I agree that my mind is probably making a mountain out of a molehill. I wasn't really expecting to get on well with someone newer in my work environment, not to the extent of joking around a lot and talking about shared interests and funny stories from our personal lives and so on. The butterflies hit me unexpectedly and then he suddenly starting mentioning his SO very frequently, then the conversation with the other coworker which got me thinking about the whole situation, then the dream, etc.

 

So I guess my brain is trying to figure out how to do boundaries properly going forward. We work side by side 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and he initiates friendship level interaction as much as I do, but then it is punctuated with mentioning his SO out of nowhere several times a day now. The first few weeks he never mentioned having an SO and I didn't know. Then suddenly he mentions her all the time, even if it is somewhat random to the conversation at hand.

 

Finally when we were talking about hobby things, he seemingly abruptly asked if I wanted to see his SO. I just said sure and he showed me a photo. I complimented their appearance (I didn't really know what to say honestly, as again I felt awkward like I was suddenly being rebuffed even though I hadn't intended to show anything more than friendliness, so again I was suddenly embarrassed). He then started telling me various things about his SO, while I listened and secretly hoped it wasn't because I was coming across "that way" on accident.

 

So yes I am probably over analyzing to an extent out of paranoia, or at least maybe.

 

"Just one last comment. You don't mention the reason why you have been single for a while, but I just wonder if this crush is a sign that perhaps you want/need some romance in your life? Not everyone wants to be in a relationship to be sure, but if the inclination is still there, it might be worth thinking about?"

 

Yes I think you might be right about this, thank you for asking. I do think this situation is mostly that I have been single for quite a while, and I am in my 30s so there is that sort of background mental noise of "clock is ticking" probably, too. I do think it's absolutely a matter of desperation turned silliness, which helps me to not take it all too seriously (my crush feelings).

 

I would just be mortified if people thought I was trying to chase a taken person or be a relationship wrecker or whatever people would call it. I don't want to be seen in that light, so I guess that's what makes me paranoid.

 

I did find some articles online that seem to be tailored to guys, with titles like "10 Signs A Girl Likes You" and so on, and looked at the signs. I don't think I do those things, like I don't do anything like play with my hair or touch his shoulder or anything like that. So maybe I am again just overthinking it too much.