elaine567 Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 I disagree: I know 2 couples where the man divorced his wife to be with the other woman. One of them did it fairly quick, the other one took his time (almost 2 years). I don’t know if they are truly happy, but they say they are. Yes some men will divorce to be with the other woman but that is where love is involved or he is desperate to escape a bad marriage, or his wife kicks him out... Seems to me in your case, this was never a love story, he had a wife and a young baby and he was in no rush to leave them. You mistook a man hustling you for sex, for a potential bf, lover and husband... Bad mistake. It is not as if you weren't told... ... we decided to meet a third time. This time his behavior was different. He said he would be poor if he divorced and what about the baby? He also said some mean things to me: “I wouldn’t mind if you would find someone else”, “if this stops you will be hurting more than I” and “I don’t want you to feel used”. Thread 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Oye... he had a baby. And you knew that... Rereading that post, it’s very obvious that he was looking for extra sex and you mistakenly thought he wanted to be your boyfriend/husband. There was absolutely nothing in what he said to you that indicated he was ever going to leave his wife to be with you. You just didn’t see it, because you wanted so desperately to be wanted by a man... you lost all your good sense. You clearly state in this post that you knew it was wrong. For goodness sake, you allowed him to talk you into sex without birth control because you could take the morning after pill - wtf? Is right! Your good sense flew out the window the moment this guy first told you that he wanted to kiss you... you abandoned your values and your morals... you were willing to hurt this woman and her child, because you had never had a boyfriend and you wanted your fantasy/happy ending. I’m sorry. Go back and reread that post, as if your friend had written it. What would you think if you read this... what would you tell her to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Notagainplease Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 I know I also have a responsibility in this story, but hell, it would have been a lot easier for me if he just had left me alone since December 2017. Maybe I would have been in a good relationship of my own by now… I’m doing my best, stopping the cycle and getting over it, but it really isn’t that easy. I hope you understand. I have been reading here for a long long time and just feel inclined to comment here. SSE you sound, quite frankly, like the perfect victim for a wolf in sheep clothing like your MM. You wallow in the misery he creates without having the power to cut him loose. You expect him to make it easier for you by doing that hard work FOR you.... which he predictably doesn't. You see through his method of acting... yet cannot work up the anger to cut him loose once and for all. You write on here for advise.... which you won't take and use. Instead waiting for his next contact. I know the mechanisms first hand and what sort of a magic spell a person like him can bring you under. The only way, the ONLY way to break free of this disastrous downwards spiral is for you to get angry enough and despise him and yourself enough to cut him out of your life. If you think he will do that part for you, you are sorely mistaken. If you think that suffering long and hard enough will make him finally do that one thing he promised you, you are also sorely mistaken. People like him are users and master manipulators. You are very predictable to him and he plays you like a puppet. Being the victim in all this does not mean that you will eventually get the upper hand in this; the only thing you can rely on are his past and current actions, not his words. He is having a whale of a time currently; a wife to find security and comfort with, and a mistress who turns like a leaf on a tree whenever he wants her to, who gives him some spice of life. The main victim here is you and yes it is all your own making, I'm sorry to say. Mollycoddling you isn't going to bring you anywhere. Take responsibility for your own misery; you and you alone keep this cycle intact. I understand first hand what emptiness and depression can feel like, and how a sliver of something (the stuff he offers you) feels like better than nothing at all. But you need to realize this; it also brings you things that are worse than being alone; it brings down your sense of self worth. It brings down your sense of fairness. It kills your opportunities (and willpower) to find someone who IS worthy of your love. The longer you keep stuck in this rut, the worse you will feel. These stories rarely end well, as you can read on this forum left right and center. And the ones that do end well, follow a different timeline than your story. This man is unreliable, a user and you are enabling him. Maybe your real problem, if I may assume so, is your depression, your low sense of self worth and your anxiety. You don't seem to realize that all of them are worsened instead of alleviated by this parasite in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 I disagree with part of NW's post. In no way is the OP the 'main victim'. That would be the unsuspecting wife who was pregnant/just had a child and is the victim of 2 peoples intentional acts of abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 I disagree with part of NW's post. In no way is the OP the 'main victim'. That would be the unsuspecting wife who was pregnant/just had a child and is the victim of 2 peoples intentional acts of abuse. Yes it is particularly distasteful for a man to do this. The wife excited, happy, full of love, her first child, vulnerable, exhausted... All the while he is trying his hardest to feel up the first willing woman... A real prince... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 How are you doing SSE? I just read a quote that made me think of you. “Life is like a book. Some chapters are hard and sad. While other chapters are fun and exciting. But, if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter will bring.” I hope you’ve started to turn the page and you’ve had some better days this week... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 (edited) SSE, if you need something to help you get over this man, think of the fact that a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. Even if he did leave his wife for you, chances are, he would also cheat on you. My daughter, when she was young like you, also fell for a married man who told her he was unhappy in his marriage, he and his wife slept in separate rooms, he only wanted to be with my daughter, yada, yada, yada (and it doesn't even sound like your MM has professed his undying love enough to promise to leave his wife.) Fast foward three years after he left his wife and his divorce was final - my daughter learned he was cheating on her. Mind you, I was very angry with my daughter because her father had cheated on me, and she knew this (she was 12 when it happened.) Her father's cheating had destroyed our family. Her MM had a 3-yr-old daughter whose family was also being destroyed by cheating. The temporary pain you are feeling right now is minimal to the pain his family will endure (because I would bet his cheating will eventually catch up with him) and also minimal to the pain you would experience if you stay in a relationship with this man. You'll waste your youth waiting for him to make you his priority. I hope you think better of yourself than to allow that. This too shall pass and you will be so much happier in the long run. Edited April 4, 2019 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
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