His Ex and Their daughter are getting on my nerves

[Tiredofsame`ol]

I'm in a 2 year relationship and throughout the 2 years there have been ups and downs. He's still in the process of a divorce and he has a 7year old daughter with this woman. Everytime we pick this child up for biweekly visits she has head lice. She doesn't listen to her father. She listens to me because I am no nonsense when it comes to disciplining children. I have children of my own. But now I am also pregnant with his child and the visits are wearing me out. The child has an attitude problem. Her mother tells her she can do as she pleases when coming over. The child has told her father in front of me how he should go back to her mother. That he is cheating on her mother. And of how he likes her mother better. Now mind you this woman has been expressing how she wanted a divorce from him when they were together which was vouched by his mother. But now he's with me and she's giving him a hard time. He also has his daughter one day during each week and she is a major pain in the butt. I'm 4 weeks due and it is a struggle walking and dealing with all this crap. The child really has a discipline problem and has expressed to him she doesn't want to be with him. What I want to do is confront this woman but I guess thats the hormones doing the talking right now. I dread when the day comes to visit with this child and the weekends spent with her. She is a total nightmare. I feel bad asking him to forfeit his time during the week with this child but it's really taking it's toll on all of us. I really love him but I'm tired of the B.S. I don't know what avenue to take any longer.

[HotCaliGirl]

Maybe you should stay with a family member on the days that his child visits him and don't join him when he picks her up from school etc....I don't know what the laws are where you live, but why is the divorce not final after two years? He should marry you right away and put to rest his daughter's fantacy that he will get back together with her mother and that he is cheating on her - BS that the mother probably feeds into her head.

 

The girl is too young to know any better since her parents are messed up, so try focusing on your boyfriend and finding out why he's not divorced yet, and maybe consider moving to another city until your baby is older so you won't get doubley stressed out.

[Barby]

I feel bad asking him to forfeit his time during the week with this child but it's really taking it's toll on all of us.

 

 

I'm so sorry but I honestly don't feel that you have ANY right to ask him to do this! Despite how rotten his daughter's behavior may be right now....she needs her father....I would say even more so if her mother puts these types of ideas in her head (ie saying "daddy you're cheating on mommy", ect).

 

She is SEVEN years old...a CHILD! I would suggest (even though it may be tough) love her the best you can....show her that he negative behavior won't be rewarded with positive attention which to me sounds like what she's seeking!

 

She is probably afraid of losing her father and is too young to understand what's actually happening so in turn is acting out!

[Merin]

Whoa...

 

Well while I can feel your pain here in this situation, I'm also in agreement with Barby, that this is a little girl were talking about... your man is divorcing his daughters MOM not HER.

 

I don't know how the 2 of them handled things (him and his EX) When they split up... or if you were the OW for awhile before they broke up (which is what I would suspect is what the little girl has been told.. thus the daddy cheating on mommy deal) BUT IMO your Man and his EX didn't handle this situation very well in preparing a little Kid for what divorce means OR that she (The little girl) will always be loved by BOTH of them.

 

My EXH has a baby with his now GF and while thats all okay and good to go... I would have his ass IF he ever told me that his GF didn't want my kids around regardless of the reason.

 

When you involve yourself with someone who has Kiddo's you kind of sign up for the good, the bad, and the ugly....

 

Good Luck

[Barby]

When you involve yourself with someone who has Kiddo's you kind of sign up for the good, the bad, and the ugly....

 

So well said! EXACTLY!! I hope with all sincerity that things work out, however if you're unable to come to love/respect his daughter then in all honesty....maybe you should consider removing yourself from his life?

[HotCaliGirl]

So well said! EXACTLY!! I hope with all sincerity that things work out, however if you're unable to come to love/respect his daughter then in all honesty....maybe you should consider removing yourself from his life?

 

So well said! EXACTLY!! If you can't stand the bratty daughter, especially at a time when you're expecting your own, it would have to be time to move on, since the daughter comes with the package and is making your life miserable.

 

Too bad her parents are doing a bad job raising her, but you shouldn't have to suffer for it, and neither should your baby, who will have a fed up mom so it's not fair to your baby either to live in that environment.

[RecordProducer]

Tired, I lived with my ex and his daughter and I couldn't stand it. She was not only unbearable (she still is, he says), but he spent all his time with her. The worst part was that her mom died in acar accident so everyone felt sorry for her and nobody cared how I felt in the whole situation. The truth is I shouldn't have married a man with a child. I also got pregnant right away with my twins. Now this sounds terible, doesn't it?

 

No matter how innocent they are, other people's little children can ruin our lives. Besides your hormones work now, as you said. Furthermore, women usually have a huge problem dealing with their husband's daughters. It's a woman vs. woman tension - we seem to be natural enemies.

 

The girl might change with time. She is under a lot of stress now. Indeed, what she is saying is based on what she hears from her mother. My 7-year old twin boys absolutely adore my BF, he is their idol, but they are boys. He buys them toys, plays with them, kisses them, holds their hands, etc.

 

So let's not analize why things are bad, but rather think how you can imporve them. I have experience with that so I feel competent to advise you on this matter. You can "buy" her love with attention, presents and affection. Fake it 'till you make it! Pretend that you enjoy her company and pay attention to her. Be patient with time she will accept you and love you and you even might be best friends in a few years. Your children should accept her as a family member because that's what she really is.

 

Now why is this so important? Because every time your husband feels the antagonism between the two of you, it breaks his heart. He is also stressed and feels bad about the situation. By being enemies, you make him take the side of one of you (and it will always be his daughter deep down in his heart) or balance between two fires. His child's presense pisses you off and it hurts him. It turns him against you and with time may diminish his love for you. And you don't want that. He will appreciate you and love you if you are wonderful to his kid. Then when she says something stupid, he will see you as a victim. But if you say one word against his daughter (or show your negative feelings), he will start hating you.

 

You are lucky she doesn't live with you so you will have to pretend that everything is great when she visits. trust me, that's the only way for your marriage to succeed. No mattter how right I would be about disciplining his daughter, my ex would ultimately take her side. lso let him be alone with his daughter even if it drives you crazy.

[Tiredofsame`ol]

Thanks for all the advice. In the beginning this child loved me. She couldn't wait for us to get married and she also was asking for a little sister. She was good. Very good. I may be a stern mother but I know a child needs love and caressing and hugging. The child first came to us with Head lice in October of last year. And ever since then has had head lice every time we pick her up. We have to buy her the medication for it ALWAYS!! The first application was done by me, because I felt she's a little girl I think she would be more confortable with me giving her the treatment being that she had to be inside the shower for it. Not only is it financially consuming, but her mother isn't doing anything to find out why she is continuously getting infected. She's bringing that to my home. By the grace of God, none of us have been infected but we have to continuously spray every linen and our clothing and hair. I feed the girl when she's with us. My daughter and I dress the child when she's with us. I basically took her under my wing. I gave her gifts, books, and such. But because of this her mother is becoming unbearable. Not only is she encouraging her to be an unbearable brat but she has expressed how she doesn't want to be with her dad while he's with me. I'm not a clingy person. I've been a single mother with my two and have been extremely independant. I've expressed to him how this is affecting me at this stage and he doesn't want me to leave. And as much as I truely want to, I can't confront his ex because there might be an altercation. Because I am expecting I do not want to endanger my child. Because I'm expecting I do not want to deal with this mess at this time. I'm sorry if it sounds selfish but I can't have my baby sick or develope something inside the womb because of my stress. If it means not having to deal with this little girl than so be it.

[RecordProducer]

If it means not having to deal with this little girl than so be it.

Then so be it! It would be easier for you.

 

It's always hard when children from previous relationships are involved and when they are hostile toward the new partner. I've been there and I hated it. This little girl was indirectly the reason why we got divorced. We were also not right for each other, but without her we would have still be married. Of course, I wouldn't want to be married to my ex so I am glad we had unresolvable problems and got divorced.

 

My new BF loves my sons and they love him (they are 7 years old). My ex got very jealous because of that and is making a lot of problems to ruin my life now. I would advise you to talk to this girl's mother, but my BF talked to my ex twice and he didn't change his behavior. (He doesn't want to let my boys move with me to the US where my BF lives. He was completely okay with the idea before he realized that the kids love my BF. So I need to get the approval from the center of social work.)

 

I think you should just smile to this girl regardless of how she acts (because of your husband), fix her a meal, talk to her for a bit, but let her parents do everything else. Perhaps your husband could explain to her that you are not her mom's enemy and that you were not the reason why they spluit, that sometimes people just can't live together and fight.

[Dumb Parents]

It's not the little girls fault the way she is, it's her mother's and father's. These people that think they have nothing to do with the way a kid turns out get to me because they have EVERYTHING to do with the way the kid turns out. That mother should be thrown in jail for child abuse, letting her kid go around like that with headlice, its disgusting. You should be proud of the way you treated her at first, and you know what? You should go back to treating her that way, and explain to her that you dont like the way things are heading, you liked the olden days, and that things are going to change. Tell her you love her, always did love her and always will love her. I have a stepson who I got along with so well since he was eight, and the minute I got pregnant, his mother started with her bull crap. He doesnt even come around anymore and he's nineteen now and he only lives ten houses down. You know why? Because I fell into the foolish woman's trap and fought with her alongside my husband. If we had let things go, and ignored her bull crap, he would be here today. Good luck with that little girl, sounds like she actually needs you more than you or her both know.

[Clair]

Why don't you just ignore her? If you are in your house, go to another room. If you are going out, just don't talk to her.

[penkitten]

you know i read your thread and i have to say one thing: this is not this little girls fault, its all her parents fault.

mom and dad both have to do both of their homes and vehicles at the same time and keep doing the lice treatments every ten days to get it gone.

tell your guy you are afraid to bring the baby into the house if the lice is not gone. explain how you hate knowing that this seven year old keeps itching and scratching and you believe it might have something to do with her behavior lately. lay the guilt on him to talk to the mother and if health department or social services needs to be called, then so be it.

the provoking of this child to act this way, is coming from mommy bad mouthing daddy constantly behind his back. saying ask daddy when he is coming home is bs and it does no good , its only harming this child.

i think he should sue for custody and if he can get the social services or health department to back him up due to the lice thats good for him.

 

i know every kid catches it once, but she is doing nothing to rid the problem just waiting so you shell out the money for products and waiting for you to shampoo her hair and comb it out. shes provoking her child into being a bad child just to guilt him into coming back to her because she is jealous. this is terribly disturbing.

 

 

and by the way, being a step parent is going to be soooooooo much harder than raising this new baby. and it is really going to show when this new child comes home and the seven year old is really going to start showing some bad colors. take the good with the bad, you have to be a strong step mother now. you took on this role, you love this man and he loves his daughter. he needs his daughter and she needs him . be proud that he loves her and wants her and will love and want your baby too.

 

i personally hope your baby is a boy so he wont have to compete with his sister on everything.

 

 

good luck and dont ask that he stop seeing his girl, ask that he step in and take custody. i bet you anything you could have her straightened out in no time.

[Redrox]

I have a similar dilema.

My Ex wife and I have been apart for 11 years. My daughter from the marriage is now 12 years old. I have always maintained contact with my daughter, typically every other weekend and occassional evenings. We are close. Until she was 5, I was single, and access and visitation were managed with minimal animosity between me and ex. However 7 years ago I met and fell in love with my current partner. For the last 5 years we have been co-habitating. She has a wonderful son who is also 12, and with whom we both demonstrate good parenting skills. (We both have older grown children who are well adjusted and stable-so we didn't just fall off the tunip truck)

My daughter and my partner hit it off immediately, and soon came to care very deeply for each other.

This resulted in problems from the ex. It became apparent that she was making hostile and erroneous comments to my daughter wrt my new partner. The situation became progressivley worse over the next few years, with instances of denied access, etc. It finally became so bad that we decided to pursue legal avenues to get a 50/50 living arrangement. After an extensive and financially draining legal battle (complete with child pyschologist testimony) spanning about a year; we were granted an arrangement whereby my daughter was to spend alternating weeks at our home and her mother's. I was ecstatic.

Then,out of the blue, crisis!

After only one cycle of the new living arrangements my partner and my daughter had a vicious arguement/incident. It originated from my daughter lieing to my partner. My partner then ordered my daughter to go to her room. My daughter then replied "NO, you're not my mom and you can't tell me what to do" (rather cliche apparently-but the 1st time I had heard it). My partner then grabbed my daughter by the arm to take her to her room. My daughter resisted, grabbed back and scratched/pinched my partner's arm. At this point I stepped between the 2 and in a firm voice told my daughter that she had to go to her room. I then took her to her room. The whole time my partner was screaming and calling my daughter names.Partner also said multiple times that daughter was no longer welcome in her house, and repeated the phrase "little cow" and "liar" a number of times. Rest assured that this type of drama is entirely foreign behaviour for my partner and our household, and I was flabbergasted to say the least.

After putting my daughter in her room I returned to confront my partner. She was extremly angry, continued to shout and posture and ultimately told me that I if wanted to live with her I could never have my daughter in our home. This wasn't well received by myself, and suffice to say that I have been sleeping on the couch since then (6 days now).

I took my daughter to school the next morning and we discussed briefly the inappropriate activities of the previous night, as well as the trouble that lieing can cause. She was subdued but respectful.I gave her a kiss and went to work.

About an hour into my work day I received a call from my ex. My daughter had called her from school and provided her with a rendition of the previous night's events. My ex ranted for a period and essentially said that there was no way that she would ever allow my daughter to come to my home again, even if it meant breaking a court order.

I spoke with my daughter later in the evening and she indicated that she too was of the opinion that point forward she wanted no part of any interaction with my partner.

That is the saga to date unfortunately.My nerves are a bit frayed right now, and I am uncharacteristically struggling with making a tough decision. I am not the kind of guy that has built an emotional support network outside of my partner and as such thought I might toss my woes to the collective wisdom of the masses for any advice.

I find myself extremely angry at both my wife and daughter for putting me in a position of having to chose between them, and in the darkest most reptilian part of my mind have considered choosing neither.

Appreciate the opportunity to vent.

Redrox

[heartless1]

Redrox,

I am sorry to hear about your recent troubles.

 

As I read down your post, I see a couple of things.

It is pretty easy for our ex-wifes to be 'oh so very compliant' when it suits their convience. Here we are, working our butt's off, paying them a tidy little 'sum' out of our hard earned money in child support and then here we sit and are more than willing to be 'open' to drop all or any of our plans if they need us to look after our children while they get to go out and party hardy. It is usually the case that the ex's are willing to be more than friendly with us as long as we are going along with THEIR program and as long as there is no other 'women' in our lives or that of our children's. This has been my experience.

 

It does not surprise me to hear you say that as soon as you met your current partner, problems surfaced with the ex. Ex's feel so threatened when they feel that they are getting replaced in their children's eyes. The kids then become the perfect pawn to rein Dad back in again. 'Do as I say, or else!!'

 

I am also in the middle of a very expensive legal battle and to honest I am not holding out much hope. I am happy to hear that a judge was willing to give you a chance of more access with your child but sorry to hear that it has not worked out for you.

 

You say that, and I quote.....'My daughter and my partner hit it off immediately, and soon came to care very deeply for each other.'

7 years is a long time and if your partner and your daughter have developed such a good relationship in that time, I would have to wonder what has happened to suddenly make your daughter not want to interact with her. Sure your daughter got a telling off for lying! Would you or your ex-wife not give the girl a talking to about such a thing? Sounds to me like your daughter got a harsh telling off from your partner but there are problems in all families. (We all lose our temper sometimes, even the best of us.) Blended and stepfamilies.Is there something else that is going on here? Were you there when that all went down? Do you usually do the disiplincing of your child when she comes to your home? Unfortunately, because we only see our kids a couple of times a week if we are lucky, we sometimes over look behaviour that we should not. It is easier for us to let THEM be the bad guys, right. lol The one thing that I believe in is that you must back up your partner and she you, in the child rearing arena. The kids pick up on that pretty quickly if they find out that they can manipulate you. Whether they like your new wife or not, it is not unusal for the kids to want their real parents back together again.

 

You have said that, and I quote....this type of drama is entirely foreign behaviour for my partner. I would hassard a guess that if you have just received more access with your daughter, then your ex is pissed and is putting the screws to your daughter. Maybe like, 'Your don't have to listen to HER, only your Dad. You do not have to do anything that she says that you have to, If it was not for her, your dad and I would still be together....etc' I do not know your situation, man, it does sound to me that the ex is pushing your kid a bit to cause trouble between you and your partner. But what do I know.......... I do think that if your daughter ( and believe me, I know from experience,) realises that she can manipulate you and make you pick her over your woman then you will have problems from both of them.

 

I know how hard it is to be kept away from your children for no reason other than some woman has the power! Kids do have a way of coming around, escepially if you can still have contact with her. She will always love you but ...... she will also grow up and find a replacement for you. Sorry to be harsh but the truth, right. Only you know whether you love your wife enough to ride this out with her? Is she a good woman or would you rather replace her too? Only you have the answer on that one but IF she is a good woman .....................well, what can I say!

Good luck.