How to talk about my feelings?

[EloquentName]

I'm not sure if there's a specific way I'm supposed to talk about my feelings or if I'm just not supposed to talk about them to my husband.

But he seems to always misinterpret how I feel with actual facts.

 

Example: I felt like I could not trust him, which was based on his behavior lately. We've been fighting, he hasn't shown interest in sex, he moved his computer to a different room, put a password on his computer, then when he came back to the same room he moved to the other side of it. I get he needed space, but his needing space and his sudden increase of privacy, PLUS rumors that a mutual friend told me had me feeling paranoid.

 

Am I in the wrong for trying to talk to him about it? Am I in the wrong for wording? I told him "I feel like I can't trust you" and that made him angry, he says it's because I invalidated everything he does to make me trust him and make me feel safe in the relationship. I tried to explain that I'm not invalidating or trying to invalidate his efforts on my behalf. I know and appreciate that he's done a lot for me, but that the recent events and his recent behavior made me feel like I could not trust him. I just needed some verbal verification from him to quiet my mind.

 

He said I need to sit and work on my phrasing, but I don't think there's a specific way that would make both of us happy. My personal belief is that a husband and wife should be able to talk about things that bother or upset them, whether it's in the relationship or an external factor. Some things are better suited for friends for sure, but that if needed two partners could discuss things in an amicable way. I also don't think anyone can phrase everything in a way that will please everyone. I would love some second opinions on all of this.

 

How am I supposed to talk to him without him taking it as an attack? I don't go and scream, I try to speak in a way that won't sound aggressive, I don't try to accuse or point fingers, and I hardly ever raise my voice. But I still am told that I am "attacking" him and to watch my tone, that I'm invalidating all of his efforts.

 

I'm also more emotional and he's more logical. So we definitely butt heads because of that.

[Orokotikki]

The Retrovaille program focuses a lot on this, explaining to both parties that 'feelings' aren't right or wrong, they just are, and they have a structured way of talking about them to partners to avoid accusatory language and describe with memories, colors, songs, physical sensations.

 

Marriage counselors also have some same concepts about avoiding you language and using 'I' language, and avoiding words like 'should, could, would'.

[basil67]

Yes, it has to be language that doesn't blame. Try "I'm worried because we haven't had sex lately" or "I'm concerned that our relationship has changed". That said, you've got some serious red flags for cheating going on there.

 

Edit: I saw in this post that you're 20yo and you speak of being in an abusive relationship. Am I right to assume that it's your husband who is abusive and not an ex? If so, no language will help you. Thoughtful language will only help when you're with a reasonable partner.

 

Do your parents know what's going on?

Edited March 22, 2019 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

Just say what is on your mind:

 

Honey I don't understand why you moved your computer, put a password on it & stopped having sex with me. What are you feeling / thinking?

 

You don't have to be a psychologist to speak up. It's your marriage too.

[preraph]

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He is hiding things from you and those things are women. Please be sure you are on birth control and don't bring kids into this situation as it is sliding downhill. Don't stay in a one-way or abusive relationship, and what he does when you ask him is he reverses it (gaslighting) and tries to put the blame on you. You are still young enough to leave this person and have a better life, and I hope you do.

[Lotsgoingon]

Quick guide to feelings ... Saying you don't trust him anymore is NOT expressing a feeling--that's a conclusion based on several prior feelings ... and that's an accusation.

 

Feelings: Sad, Mad, Glad, Afraid, (some people add "guilty) ...

 

Instead of saying you don't feel (really think) you can trust him, expressing a feeling would be I'm worried (worry is a form of fear) that you don't trust me. Or ... I'm feeling afraid that you are not happy with me/our relationship anymore. Fear you feel in your body. Distrust is a logical calculation that comes as a result of fear that you're not on solid ground, that he is withholding key information from you.

 

Tip: before even expressing your fear ... it's always great if you can express something strongly positive. Here you want to be really honest. "Honey, we've had our problems, but I've been very happy with you. I admire your X, your Y, your Z, the way you do K and F and Q. Your gift for this (spell it out) has been a tremendous bonus to my life."

 

Starting with the deep stuff you like (and by implication are now afraid of losing) ... not only disarms him ... but it also anchors you in the truth of what you're feeling. THEN ask your question ... and again, it seems the question here is that But lately I'm afraid you don't trust me anymore or that you're not happy with me.".

 

Now, having said all of that ... you're in a difficult situation because I assume you suspect he IS having an affair. So ... you need to get clear ... if the worst is true--that he is having an affair--would you want to immediately leave? ... or would you want to work on the relationship so that both of you are happier and he ends the affair?

 

Said in different words, if you learned he was cheating (he admitted such) would your instinct be to call a divorce attorney the next morning? Or would you want to go to couples therapy? For what it's worth, I've seen and read interviews with a number of really good couples' therapists who all say couples can recover from an affair ... not just hold their noses and endure the marriage in misery. The couple has to build a new relationship to get through the affair, one that is more satisfying to both partners.

 

At some point you may want to ask him, "I'm really afraid you've lost interest in me, in our marriage? I'm really scared you might be seeing someone else."

 

There is a time to express your anger too ... but right now, I'd stay with fear. I realized how powerful and frequent (and overlooked) fear is when about 20 years ago, my father had a serious hospitalization ... I realized I wasn't only "sad." I was terrified, terrified that he would die. And yet, I couldn't remember hearing anyone talk about the enormous, paralyzing fear we can feel when a loved one falls ill.

Edited March 23, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[loversquarrel]

I believe he's cheating or about to cheat on you. That being said, take the advice of some of the other posters here on how to express and speak about your feelings to help improve on yourself.

 

One other thing, if you bring something up and made to feel bad for it then It's are to say your bf/husband is not a caring and understanding person.

[loversquarrel]

I would like to add one more thing. My wife was worried at one point that I would actively go and seek someone else for fear that I was upset over us fighting. When she asked if there was someone else I told her no and was not upset with her in the least for asking. I even did everything I could to reassure her of that. I did this and behaved that way because I love her and care for her very deeply.