The Most Expensive Lesson

[Sparkplug2019]

I'm a late 20's male and never had luck with relationships until I met this woman. She was from another country and had a 3-year old son. We lived 1.5 hours away, but she lived 20 minutes from my job so I would stay with her some nights. We were both new to Manhattan and we explored that city like crazy. On top of all that, her son was adorable and he was attached to me. My first relationship was going great, but I was about to have the most expensive lesson.

Disclosure: She contributed money most of the dates we had. A lot of people assume she was using me for money because she is an immigrant.

 

I moved near to her and my work and we agreed it was too soon to move in together (Mistake #1: my fear of commitment). The total cost of moving, household goods, and furniture was $10k. I was nervous about bills and decided to cut spending until I can pay my credit card bills. Trips to Manhattan died and we stayed local.

 

Around this time I was hired in a position that I was under-qualified for. I was stressing and I wasn't the best version of myself. I never explained this to her (Mistake #2: need to communicate). Within a few months, our relationship was going bad and she friend-zoned me, "I only want friends, we aren't good together". This hurt a lot.

 

I did everything to win her back because I love her. I know she was nervous about some things and also was stressed. I hung out with her and her family as "friends". On NYE, I contacted her and told her that I want to see her and she invited me to her family's party. I drove 1.5 hours to see her and at midnight we had a long emotional talk. We were back together!

 

Things were great again for a few months and then Mistake #3: I never changed our relationship status on Facebook. To this day, I still don't know what I was scared of to change it. I think it drove her crazy because she thought I was cheating on her. I was going a lot to my mom's house to see my family for holidays & birthdays. And she would say "You have a girl out there??" to which I would say "yea!.. my mom!"

 

GRAND MISTAKE #4

We had some tension and on Valentine's day .. I didn't get her anything. She wanted to go to a fancy restaurant and I complained about the cost. The real a****** that I am.. I must've really hurt her that day. She broke up with my during the week. I went to her home to get my things and no matter how hard I tried to hold it back, I cried really hard and quickly left (Mistake #2: didn't learn the 1st time).

 

But we never stopped talking. A few weeks later we went to get drinks for my birthday. We sat at the table and had a good time like we always did. Then we had to talk serious. We held hands across the table and both solemnly and sadly agreed that we aren't good. We held hands and we kissed all the night. I knew that night would likely be our last and I never wanted it to end.

 

Mistake #5: And I didn't talk to her for a few months.

I wanted a break so that I could heal, but I couldn't get her out of my head. I finally broke down and messaged her. She was happy to hear from me, but hesitant to meet me. I think I had hurt her too much. This went on for about 6 months until I moved back home. Soon after she put some guy on her Instagram story. I told her everything how I feel. She said "If you told me like you are telling me now, we probably would still be together. But you didn't. You never talked. Now its too late". I removed her from all social media, but she never removed me. I had comfort that she watched my IG stories. She watched for a few months and then I put something that caused her to stop following me. (nothing crazy, I don't remember what it was)

 

But my way of coping was to meet a lot of women on Tinder and sleep with them. I told all my friends "marriage/relationships are stupid", even though she never left my head. I met a lot of women and none of them were like her and I got bored of it. She was the only real women in my life and I ruined it.

 

4 months went past and I messaged her last night and she was very excited to hear from me. We joked like we always joked. We talked about some things we did.. but then she dropped "boyfriend" in the conversation .. Dating since November .. the month that I moved back to my home. I didn't know what to say. Felt like a knife through my heart. "oh the guy on your IG story?" ... "yeah ... dont worry im sure you will find someone soon". We talked a little more and then she wished me good night.

 

Today I watched all our old photos and videos. I remember we always danced and laughed. Her silly son. All the places we went. And I cried like crazy. Still crying 12 months after our official break up.

 

Our break up was a mistake and I learned my lesson. I wasn't mature enough for a relationship and I learned many things in the past year. I really feel like a new man and I wish she could see. I've evolved emotionally, physically, financially, and i'm making big moves in my life. I wish she was here for all of it.

 

So that's my story and I don't know what the point of it is. Maybe someone else can read this and learn from my mistakes. I am seeing that relationships are complicated and is a skill to learn. Maybe someone can recommend a book to me?

Edited March 23, 2019 by Sparkplug2019

[preraph]

Not moving in together was NOT a mistake. It would have been wrong and crazy if you did too soon. You probably would have broken up even sooner.

 

The other stuff matters, but is small stuff. Inexplicable stuff. Like not changing your social media status and don't know what you were thinking on Valentine's. That is a really obvious thing if you want a woman to know you care. I think the first was deliberate, wanting to hurt her, and I think the second may have also been, or why do it? I think you harbor some resentment of her that you acted out on by withholding on those things.

 

Now you're sorry. But isn't there now just even more water under the bridge to cause resentment? Like if her new relationship doesn't work out and you try yet again, now don't you have a mountain of stuff you feel resentment about, not the least of which is she dated someone and proved she can move on?

 

I don't know what your resentment was before to make you do little pettying things sending her the message you weren't all in, but I don't accept that it was an accident.

[Sparkplug2019]

Not moving in together was NOT a mistake. It would have been wrong and crazy if you did too soon. You probably would have broken up even sooner.

 

The other stuff matters, but is small stuff. Inexplicable stuff. Like not changing your social media status and don't know what you were thinking on Valentine's. That is a really obvious thing if you want a woman to know you care. I think the first was deliberate, wanting to hurt her, and I think the second may have also been, or why do it? I think you harbor some resentment of her that you acted out on by withholding on those things.

 

Now you're sorry. But isn't there now just even more water under the bridge to cause resentment? Like if her new relationship doesn't work out and you try yet again, now don't you have a mountain of stuff you feel resentment about, not the least of which is she dated someone and proved she can move on?

 

I don't know what your resentment was before to make you do little pettying things sending her the message you weren't all in, but I don't accept that it was an accident.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. You're right. I had resentment because I expected some things from her that I thought were basic. When I first moved there I had tried to host holidays at my new home for mine and her family. She never gave me a straight answer and always she put her mom 1st and no consideration for me. Something seemed wrong when I moved there, but it's hard to say what came first, the chicken or the egg. I hoped that our 2nd try would be a complete reset, but it wasn't. Both of us were stubborn in our ways.

[d0nnivain]

You had a lot of stressors in here unrelated to your relationship: new job, new relationship, commitment fears, financial worries.

 

The lesson you need to take away from this is to communicate. If you had told her money was tight & done something to celebrate Valentine's day with her, that would have smoothed a lot. People need to be acknowledged.

 

At this point you also need to disconnect on social media. All you are going is picking at the scab

[preraph]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. You're right. I had resentment because I expected some things from her that I thought were basic. When I first moved there I had tried to host holidays at my new home for mine and her family. She never gave me a straight answer and always she put her mom 1st and no consideration for me. Something seemed wrong when I moved there, but it's hard to say what came first, the chicken or the egg. I hoped that our 2nd try would be a complete reset, but it wasn't. Both of us were stubborn in our ways.

 

I agree that's wrong. If you are with a spouse, especially, or SO, you put them first and stand up to family.

[Sparkplug2019]

You had a lot of stressors in here unrelated to your relationship: new job, new relationship, commitment fears, financial worries.

 

The lesson you need to take away from this is to communicate. If you had told her money was tight & done something to celebrate Valentine's day with her, that would have smoothed a lot. People need to be acknowledged.

 

At this point you also need to disconnect on social media. All you are going is picking at the scab

 

I need to take my lessons and move on because she did 5 months ago. Its crazy because I never lost respect for her. Our break up was civilized, she truly wants the best for me, and I carry most of the blame. I hope that I can find all her good qualities in another woman.

[Sparkplug2019]

Since my original post, the whole thing has gnawed and hurt me. It dominated my thoughts almost all day everyday. I think I figured out my problem. After 1 week of haunting memories and profound thinking, I came up with the best statement I could to her.

 

"Hey. I was thinking. Everyday I regret many things because I wasn't ready to settle down with you and have a family. Now I have a great job and many things. Like a puzzle, I put all the pieces together and I feel something missing. I have everything, but not my own family. You always said that I was smart, but it's not true because I get many things wrong. The truth is that I was sad and jealous to find that you have a bf. I'm trying to resist that feeling. You deserve to be happy and I always wish the best for you and (son) and I want to be your friend"

 

She didn't reply. I thought she would reply something like "please don't hurt. you will find someone soon. sure we can be friends, but I want to keep distance to respect my bf" or something along those lines. I just hope she didn't misread it because english is her 2nd language. or maybe she doesn't want to continue any contact. Either way, I feel better that I had contacted her. I always thought that she still loved me and maybe one day we'd get back together. But the last few weeks have changed my mind: The story about my 1st love is closed. She's not "mi amor" anymore but I can let go.

Edited April 8, 2019 by Sparkplug2019

[Simple Logic]

Your story is the typical I confess my mistakes and short comings that cost me this relationship. The fact is you can’t change yourself to fit the situation. Likewise she can’t change to fit either and you find here blameless for anything , which is unlikely. You either fit the or you don’t.

[sandrawg]

It's really really hard to be looking at a rel'ship through the rear view mirror and recognize how badly you screwed it up. And watching the person you loved with somebody new. I think we've all been there.

 

I've been fortunate that certain ppl have given me second chances. And I've been more likely to give someone multiple chances because I know those feelings of regret. Unfortunately, that has worked to my detriment for many reasons.

 

You know the Beatles song, Let It Be? Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let it be, and just chalk up your mistakes to lessons learned, and vow to be better in the next relationship.

 

So sorry you're going through this. It sucks. I know, I really do.