Should I ask my ex' approval before visiting his sick relative? **New Update**

[babybrowns]

My ex boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. He left me last summer after a vacation that went particularly bad (please see my thread on that for details). We haven't spoken in 3 months, which was mainly my wish. His mother and I however have become quite close since the breakup and we write to each other often (we don't talk about him).

 

Her mother (my ex' grandmother) has fallen ill and it might be cancer, they will know soon. I was very fond of his grandmother and she of me, I recently did a charity run to raise money for the charity that helps research into her illness. I am thinking of asking if I can go to visit his mother and grandmother. They all live a 2-hour flight away from me. I am wondering whether I should ask my ex' approval on this first, or whether I can just ask his mother and ask her to ask him if he is ok with it?

 

Many thanks

[hippychick3]

No. You should ask his mom since she is the one you have contact with. I can’t imagine why you’d want to ask him unless it was some kind of excuse to talk to him again.

 

His mother should be the one to have that discussion with him.

[d0nnivain]

Do not take a 2 hour flight to see your EX's grandmother. Send a card, flowers, a fruit basket but stay home. Your presence will be disruptive.

 

If your plan is to use this to reconcile, your timing is not good but it might work. If you are not interested in reconciling, leave his family to him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you should visit at all, OP.

 

Send a card and flowers, or even call his grandmother, but don't go in person. The family is dealing with enough at the moment, without the awkwardness of having to navigate the tension between you and your ex.

 

Don't add another layer of stress or something to worry about in the midst of an already difficult time for them.

 

EDIT: Looking through your past threads, it is quite evident you are struggling to let go of your ex. You were asking just a couple months ago whether to invite him as your +1 to a wedding. Before that, and before even breaking up, you were upset that his parents showed up on your vacation with him. Flying now to see his sick family member is not likely to reflect well on you (to your ex) nor help you to heal and move on. Just send your respects and well wishes from a distance.

Edited March 23, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

This might be different if the grandmother was in a hospital in your city and you dropped by with flowers for a few moments visit. But to travel by flight to their city to visit her is putting too much pressure on the family to see you and possibly entertain you. Not a good idea at all and somewhat forward considering you are the ex of a family member. It may be different if you had actually been married to your ex but you're not.

[amaysngrace]

What do you hope to achieve by befriending his mother and visiting his grandmother? Admittedly you’ve grown close to the mom AFTER the break-up.

 

It’s seems as though you’re injecting more drama into an already delicate situation in their lives. You should leave them alone.

[preraph]

I think most exes would prefer you stayed completely out of their family's lives. It's fine to send a card. Trying to stay involved with their family, they know you are desperate to get back together with them or to see what they're up to, when it's no longer your right. It puts the family in a bad position too. Just don't.

[Ronni_W]

babybrowns,

 

I stayed in close contact with my ex's family after we divorced...but I also knew very well how he felt about that.

 

Given that you do not appear to know how your ex feels about it, suggests that an in-person visit in this case would not be in the best interests of every single person involved.

At the same time, use your own knowledge of all the dynamics that are at play, and your own judgment.

[stillafool]

No it's best to move on and not stay in contact with his family even if they did like you you are putting them in a bad situation. Your ex will think you only came to to try to run into him and his family will think the same. Don't do it you will look desperate. Unless he's reaching out to you begging you back it's best to forget about his family and move on.

[Highndry]

Very bad idea. Time to detach from this family and move on.

[emeraldgreen]

Family is a package deal. You don't get the family without the ex. It's not your place and while it's sweet that you care, they don't belong to you anymore. Step back.

[babybrowns]

My ex boyfriend and I were together for 3 years, the whole relationship was long distance. It was a serious relationship and we were talking about marriage, but unfortunately things broke down last summer after a vacation that went horribly wrong.

 

After he broke up, I was trying hard to keep him in my life but he wanted us to stay apart. After doing a few meetups as friends and him making it absolutely clear he didn't want to be together anymore, we stopped talking completely about 5 months ago because I wanted to heal. His mother and I however have stayed in touch and she is fond of me. Through her I found out that his grandmother hasn't been too well, for this I did reach out to my ex last month to give some medical advice (there were certain things I didn't want to say to his mother directly). He was polite in his reply and thanked me for my input but didn't make an effort to hold a conversation with me beyond this.

 

I am due to be in their country after 2 weeks, for a weekend to do a charity run. I am going to be based in a town that's about a 2-hour drive from their town. Since my ex' mother and I are friends, I asked her if she would like to meet for a coffee and even offered that i could meet her in her own hometown. She politely declined, saying that even though my ex knows we chat via message, she wasn't sure how he would feel about her and I catching up in person. She was apologetic and said she hoped that her feelings wouldn't affect our friendship.

 

I wasn't planning on doing this initially but then thought that if I don't do it I might regret missing the opportunity, I would like to ask my ex himself if he would like to meet me for a coffee. I'm going to be in his country and I don't know when/if I will next be in their country. My intention is to reconnect and see if a friendship between us might be possible. If he doesn't want it he doesn't want it, but I will have tried at least, rather than have a big what-if hanging over me.

 

I am afraid that he will see it as me still being after him so I would like some help in how to word a text to him. His hometown is a 2-hour drive from where I'll be based but I'm happy to meet him near his own town, but obviously don't want to come across as desperate when proposing this meetup. The last time we met, in December, he did say that he is open to meeting again but only after time has passed for us to lose our feelings. I still have mine but I think he has lost all of his, in which case he might be open to it..would someone please give me some guidance on this? Many thanks

Edited May 12, 2019 by babybrowns

[Jevans]

I think you need to move on just like he has, stop texting his mum! Go out and find someone that will chase you instead of the other way around. The general rule is that you can’t be friends with ex’s, it hurts too much and you still have feelings for him. The only thing you could do is simply drop a message and say “I’m going to be here at this time and if you are free do you want to meet up, I’m not over you and would love the opportunity to start a refresh?” . But what is the intention of meeting up? To rekindle the romance? To realise he’s still not interested. In some ways I’d say cut all ties, forget he exists! I know this sounds harsh but I think the longer you drag this out the more you will get hurt

[basil67]

The answers to this will be much the same as last time you asked about meeting his family and contacting him. He wants to move on. You need to allow him to do so and also cease contact with his family.

Edited May 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Don’t do it.

[The Outlaw]

It could be another disaster in the making if the feelings are still on your side of the table, but not his. And you can continue the friendship with his mom if you wish, but that's possibly making it awkward for him .

[lana-banana]

I went back to read your previous threads and it seems like you're in the same place you were in February, when you said "I'm just trying to find a 'good' excuse for us to meet up without sounding like I'm still chasing him/ overly keen to see him"---and for that matter, last September, when you said "I don’t want to get rid of the friendship, since I do want some hope that we will get back together. There doesn’t seem to be any if we cut each other off entirely." And here you are today, saying you still have "all" your romantic feelings for him.

 

You have got to face reality. This guy wants nothing to do with you and your attempts to get at him through his family are not only manipulative, but incredibly transparent. (Thinking about visiting his sick grandmother, then instead doing a charity run in his country to raise money for the disease affecting his grandmother? I'm cringing.) I get that you spent three years together, but it was an LDR and you do not have any ties to his family. His mother's refusal to meet you for coffee should have been a giant neon sign to back off, but now you're taking it as a reason to up the ante and meet with your ex in person? He doesn't want to meet you. He isn't interested in being a part of your life. And he's definitely not thrilled that you're still trying to catch his attention even now.

 

It's been almost a year. You have got to let it go, and that means real healing, not "healing-and-living-my-best-life-so-he-notices-me-and-wants-me-back". Stop contacting all of these people and make a sincere effort to move on.

Edited May 13, 2019 by lana-banana

[amaysngrace]

You’re still hung up on him? Honey you need to stop being a beggar and acquire a little self-respect.

 

I read before where he treated you not so hot when you were together. You should’ve broken up with him a long time ago and found a man who is worthy of you way back when.

[Highndry]

You're getting great advice but listening to none of it. You sound desperate to try to resurrect a relationship with a man who wants no part of it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, girl. Cringe.

 

Some tough love: you are making yourself look pretty desperate here and skating into Stage-5 Clinger territory.

 

Your previous threads all indicate this relationship is well and truly over, and has been over for a while. However, you're not accepting it. You're not taking the plain-as-day hint that your ex doesn't want to be with you, and now you're putting his family in the awkward position of having to turn down your attempts to remain close too.

 

Stop. Really, just stop. You badly need to learn some appropriate boundaries as far as his family goes, and you need to face the reality that your ex does not want you around. Stop trying to force it. Stop trying to stay friends with his mom, too. Don't ask him to meet; you'll wind up hurt all over again when it doesn't go how you hoped.

[elaine567]

If he was sitting there pining for you, his Mom wold be doing all in her power to get you two back together but she is telling you she is happy to be online friends with you but not IRL.

Take the hint.

Stop organising to go on charity runs in their country, stop bothering his mother, do not ask him out for a coffee, and go get yourself a life somewhere else.

[The Outlaw]

Keeping in touch and up to date with the grandmother's health would be your best bet. Making an appearance would only make it more awkward for not only him, but you as well given what's currently going on.