What do I do

[SayWhaaat]

I don't even know where to begin. My sister is 20 years old and has fairly severe down syndrome. She screams the word "what" constantly, wakes people up in the middle of the night to yell at them and emotionally abuses me in particular, blaming everything bad that happens on me and it frequently extends to being physically hit by her.

 

She never cleans her room and just sits around watching preschooler shows all day. Part of me wants my parents to put her in a home but I know she wouldn't be happy there. My brother and other sister frequently pick fights with my mom over really trivial ****. My sleep schedule is messed up and I frequently wake up to a war zone between my mom and sister, just screaming at each other, fighting hostilely over whatever issue of the week was going on, usually about her not being able to go to her friends' house.

 

My sister with down syndrome is frequently around during these fights and is loudly screeching, crying and of course saying "what" over and over. My brother has valid reasons to be angry and depressed, his job and relationships give him a hard time and he's seeing a therapist but this is just taking its toll on me. My mom and dad have a confusing relationship. He cheated on her some years ago but they repaired their relationship. They go out on dates sometimes and generally get along, but when they fight it gets really ****ing scary with my mom threatening to leave and never contact us again and I get really stressed out.

 

She has a variety of health problems and sometimes guilt trips my siblings during fights using this fact, saying things like "you guys will regret treating me like this when you're staring at my grave." My dad is usually a nice person but he has a very short fuse and gets mad way too easily, exploding in rage at something as minor as kicking a table foot by accident. I know what you're probably thinking, but no, he doesn't hit her, he isn't a violent person by any stretch of the imagination.

 

He's just very ****ing angry a lot of the time, mostly due to our house which is aging and falling apart and his stressful work life, as being a salesman isn't a very good career choice if you have no self confidence. I have another sister in her mid-20s who moved out a long time ago but she still has problems of her own. She emotionally abuses and manipulates my parents, particularly my mom in an attempt to get them to send her money.

 

Every boyfriend she gets turns out to be a scumbag and she hops from apartment to apartment. I could go on and on and on about this but that's enough for one post. I'm so sick of this **** and I can't wait until next year when I'm moving to Arizona with my uncle to go to college. Thread title.

Edited March 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Well, your whole family is super stressed out because of your disabled sister, and I'm so sorry. I know it always means a lot of the care and focus goes her way, leaving others to languish and have needs not talked about. And everyone is on edge because probably not enough sleep and money problems and just too much stress.

 

Yes, getting out is the best solution for you. Glad you have a plan. Your sister needs to get two jobs or whatever and then just not fight with your family over money. And you'll have to work a lot as well as school or whatever to secure not having to go home much. You'll feel better just once you get out of that house! Everyone needs sleep and no one needs all that chaos. Things will calm down a little at home as you older kids leave the house and start making your own way. I'm sorry you've had this to deal with. But you are close to having your own life.

 

My guess is your sister is latching on to bad guys partly because she's used to the fighting at home and is drawn to guys who do that because that's normal for her, which is sad. But she may also be putting up with crap because she'd rather do that than work more or something. Don't let that be your problem.

 

For now, if you aren't already, you might get a little job of some kind just to get out of the house and start saving.

[SayWhaaat]

For now, if you aren't already, you might get a little job of some kind just to get out of the house and start saving.

I'm 15, I skipped a grade so I'm graduating early. I turn 16 this September and I'm planning on getting a job and learning to drive as soon as possible.

[preraph]

Well, that's great. Even a little part-time or weekend job, you take that money and put it in the bank in your own name and don't let anyone have it and save it up. Just getting out of the house some for work will give you some relief. You're doing all the right things. You're just in a tough situation.

 

You should speak to whoever at your school (just ask the admin desk) knows about careers and see if they can even recommend a little job for you and help place you, or just give you some ideas for employment that you may not have thought of. But you hang onto that money or save it for a place to live or a car or the car insurance or whatever, but be smart and tempting as it is, don't spend it on electronics. Money doesn't go very far. You'll need all you can save.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm 15, I skipped a grade so I'm graduating early. I turn 16 this September and I'm planning on getting a job and learning to drive as soon as possible.

 

You sound like a survivor, someone who will make it despite challenges.

 

All around you are the consequences of bad choices in career, relationships and lifestyles. Keep your eyes open so you can avoid the same yourself. they'll only hold you back.

 

Is everyone on board with your plan to attend college in AZ, uncle included? What do you plan to study?

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

He sounds smart, doesn't he? 15 and he already has a good plan that addresses his biggest problems and is ahead in school despite the chaos at home. Of course plans change, but one step at a time.

 

I hope you talk to a school counselor or whoever up there and also ask about how to prep for trying for a college scholarship.

[basil67]

I would suggest that your sister who has Downs isn't the cause of the family issues, but rather, she's a another victim. Her strong reactions to the shouting by your parents are because she doesn't have the tools to deal with all the appalling behaviour going on around her. Add to that, she's also seeing the behaviour and thinks it's normal. I'd lay money that if your sister moved into supported living, that the rest of your family would still be dysfunctional.

 

If I were you, I'd insist on family counselling. If your parents and siblings refuse, it only underscores that your disabled sister isn't the root cause.

[Miss Clavel]

I'm 15, I skipped a grade so I'm graduating early. I turn 16 this September and I'm planning on getting a job and learning to drive as soon as possible.

 

driving is marvelous. just wait. once i got my license i started "volunteering" to run all my family's errands.

 

i would drop my mom at work and not have to go back and get her for at least 8 hours.

 

in the mean time, buy some noise cancelling head phones and use them to sleep. when the fights break out, put them on your sister and move her away to quiet and safety.

 

and that might mean to "day care". see if you can find a community center to drop her off at during the day. she can meet other people and not only get out of the house but maybe learn some new skills.

 

we have a downs boy that started working for us in high school. a handicap van would drop him off and pick him up every day. he's still with us 10 years later. not only does he take the bus up and back now, but he met a woman much like himself and they live together.

 

i'm hoping you get the hell out of there and never look back. to do that, you will need money and lots of it. to get money, you need an education.

 

during my senior year i went to high school from 7am till noon. and i worked from 2 to 10pm (again, i needed the car).

 

study, including driver's ed, and save.

 

you must go to college. the only way out of this **** is to get a college degree.

 

in my state high school kids can go to college at night, for free, and rec. free books. their credits count toward getting in to the "feeder" uni and when you graduate from high school you will already have an AA degree and save a **** load of money in the process.

 

going to school and working requires a car, some car insurance, healthy eating for energy and sleep. get the head phones.

 

don't be like your sister who seems to feel most comfortable with chaos.

 

i wish you luck and i hope you remember our website so we can keep up with how this turns out.

 

all the best sweetheart, keep moving.

[SayWhaaat]

I want to say that I'm homeschooled. There isn't fighting 100% of the time, home isn't ALWAYS chaos. Sometimes we can have a really good time together. I'd wager my sister is at least a very big contributor to the stress. She annoys literally everyone in the house but we only have her best interests in mind. My uncle is my mom's brother and he's 100% on board with me moving there. As for what I want to do college for, I'm not sure yet. He's pushing me to do computer science as are my parents and that does interest me, I want to be a programmer and game developer, but I'm primarily a cartoonist and I would like to enter the animation industry as a storyboard artist of some kind, maybe. My love for cartoons began with SpongeBob. I feel I somewhat glorified myself in the introductory post. I'm overweight by a considerable amount and just now am starting a diet and exercise plan. I can be a bit of a sarcastic jerk to people online and in real life and I've been trying to control it for the longest because I know it could bite me in the bollocks and it's unprofessional as ****. I don't really do much besides sit on my laptop and talk to people online as that's my only form of social interaction. It pretty much keeps me sane. It also annoys my family. My mom wants to get me out of the house more and do social programs and community service and such, and I'd like that too. I was diagnosed with Autism (big shocker right there) at a young age but I don't really have severe social issues.

Edited March 25, 2019 by SayWhaaat

[preraph]

You should consider going to a real school just to get out of the house and you'll make friends. Go enroll in school and take a gym class and you'll get in shape and have fun too.

 

I agree the Downs child is a cause of stress because she just is, but it's not her fault, and you know that. I'm glad sometimes you enjoy family life. I kind of suspected so since you have good sense and are smart.

[basil67]

I have a child with significant special needs and behavioural issues and I work in the sector supporting families like yours. I'm saying this so that you don't think I'm making stuff up. One of the biggest contributors to challenging behaviour at home is chaos. And it doesn't have to be permanent chaos either. Raised voices, confusion, plan changes, unpredictable behaviour from those around....even good chaos.....it all triggers behavioural issues.

 

How much time have your parents spent on therapy for her behaviour? How have they adjusted the household to better support her? What kind of social interaction/work have your parents encouraged her to attend? When does she see friends? Does she have a support worker to take her out?

 

I understand that you can't make these changes yourself, but it breaks my heart to hear her blamed when so much of what you describe is very likely to be triggering her.

[Wallysbears]

Do you have a school counselor that can help you find a path for your further education?

[darkmoon]

everybody is terrible except you?

[Mr. Lucky]

As for what I want to do college for, I'm not sure yet. He's pushing me to do computer science as are my parents and that does interest me, I want to be a programmer and game developer, but I'm primarily a cartoonist and I would like to enter the animation industry as a storyboard artist of some kind, maybe.

 

I have a few friends in the animation field, it can be a little feast or famine depending on the ebb and flow of studio projects. Certainly lots of overlap with computers in that career. Any of these schools near where you'll be living?

 

https://www.collegerank.net/best-animation-degree-programs/

 

I don't really do much besides sit on my laptop and talk to people online as that's my only form of social interaction. It pretty much keeps me sane.

 

You're smart enough to know the only one who can change this unhealthy dynamic is you. There's a ton of artistic and tech minded kids out there, up to you to connect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

Your logic is extremely off in situations you have no experience. This is a 16 year old girl that comes from a family stressed over a special needs kid & the typical kid’s sound like ingrates. Sorry but sibling of special needs kids aren’t “survivors” bc they live in a special needs household or the typical stres that comes with it Name one 16 year old girl you ever knew that doesn’t complain about their home life?

 

OP...my daughter is a little older than you & at your age absolutely never spoke of her special needs sibling like this. He annoys her, he’s loud & she said when we go she couldn’t imagine ever sticking him anywhere & whoever she marries better except him or they have to move on...if she had talked like you, I wouldn’t be happy as a mother either. Your mom is right, if she does you will all feel horrible...your made bc she’s speaking truth. She’s a special needs mom, that’s been cheated on & has other kids that sound completely blind & understating to how strong your mother is.

 

College is great & should mature you to understand life a little better. Life is not perfect & we’re all handed things beyond our control...it’s how we learn to handle it is what’s important. Maybe your parents have handled stress wrong but you not even truly trying to see from your parents perspective & behave as your sisters special needs is so much “on you” shoes hiw trul immature you are $ how much growing you need to personally.

 

If my daughter talked about her brother like you talk about your sibling...I’d be ashamed, I’m just being honest & that’s something that comes from you & nothing to do with your parents. good luck with school & May you find what you’re looking for but you are no survivor of anything but a imperfect family like everyone else in this world comes from.

[anika99]

I don't think it's fair to attack the OP. That household sounds toxic and if it's anyone's fault it's the parents. If they can't emotionally cope, how the heck are their kids supposed to?

[BaileyB]

I would suggest that your sister who has Downs isn't the cause of the family issues, but rather, she's a another victim. Her strong reactions to the shouting by your parents are because she doesn't have the tools to deal with all the appalling behaviour going on around her. Add to that, she's also seeing the behaviour and thinks it's normal. I'd lay money that if your sister moved into supported living, that the rest of your family would still be dysfunctional.

 

If I were you, I'd insist on family counselling. If your parents and siblings refuse, it only underscores that your disabled sister isn't the root cause.

 

I completely agree about the family dynamics. That does NOT sound typical of an individual with Down Syndrome.

 

I have a cousin who has a developmental disability. Her parents have enabled her to do nothing but watch tv and she demonstrates shockingly poor social skills and behavior. It’s sad, because with the opportunity to leave the home and get some education/training, it could have been very different. But, we have all tried to talk with her parents over the years and theyhave never been willing to consider any other options...

 

I would suggest that you talk with your school counsellor. Perhaps, there is something they can do. Otherwise, bide your time until you can leave. It sounds like you have a plan... your future is bright, I hope you succeed in whatever you want to do. Good luck,

[SayWhaaat]

I completely agree about the family dynamics. That does NOT sound typical of an individual with Down Syndrome.

 

I have a cousin who has a developmental disability. Her parents have enabled her to do nothing but watch tv and she demonstrates shockingly poor social skills and behavior. It’s sad, because with the opportunity to leave the home and get some education/training, it could have been very different. But, we have all tried to talk with her parents over the years and theyhave never been willing to consider any other options...

 

I would suggest that you talk with your school counsellor. Perhaps, there is something they can do. Otherwise, bide your time until you can leave. It sounds like you have a plan... your future is bright, I hope you succeed in whatever you want to do. Good luck,

 

 

I was being a bit unfair toward my sister in my OP, sorry to her. She does get out and do things on occasion, she has a close friendship with the local thrift store's owner and they have discussed allowing her to help out there for a few hours a couple of times a week and she went to school. My parents certainly do not neglect her, they provide her needs perfectly adequately and have us check up on her.

[SayWhaaat]

Your logic is extremely off in situations you have no experience. This is a 16 year old girl that comes from a family stressed over a special needs kid & the typical kid’s sound like ingrates. Sorry but sibling of special needs kids aren’t “survivors” bc they live in a special needs household or the typical stres that comes with it Name one 16 year old girl you ever knew that doesn’t complain about their home life?

 

OP...my daughter is a little older than you & at your age absolutely never spoke of her special needs sibling like this. He annoys her, he’s loud & she said when we go she couldn’t imagine ever sticking him anywhere & whoever she marries better except him or they have to move on...if she had talked like you, I wouldn’t be happy as a mother either. Your mom is right, if she does you will all feel horrible...your made bc she’s speaking truth. She’s a special needs mom, that’s been cheated on & has other kids that sound completely blind & understating to how strong your mother is.

 

College is great & should mature you to understand life a little better. Life is not perfect & we’re all handed things beyond our control...it’s how we learn to handle it is what’s important. Maybe your parents have handled stress wrong but you not even truly trying to see from your parents perspective & behave as your sisters special needs is so much “on you” shoes hiw trul immature you are $ how much growing you need to personally.

 

If my daughter talked about her brother like you talk about your sibling...I’d be ashamed, I’m just being honest & that’s something that comes from you & nothing to do with your parents. good luck with school & May you find what you’re looking for but you are no survivor of anything but a imperfect family like everyone else in this world comes from.

 

 

Obviously I care about my sister, I love her and understand her perspective. I'm just annoyed with her. You can't expect me to be 100% tolerant of her behavior 100% of the time when I already have all this other **** going on.

[Mr. Lucky]

My uncle is my mom's brother and he's 100% on board with me moving there. As for what I want to do college for, I'm not sure yet. He's pushing me to do computer science as are my parents and that does interest me, I want to be a programmer and game developer, but I'm primarily a cartoonist and I would like to enter the animation industry as a storyboard artist of some kind, maybe.

 

College is expen$$$ive, what's the plan to pay for school?

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I don't think it's fair to attack the OP. That household sounds toxic and if it's anyone's fault it's the parents. If they can't emotionally cope, how the heck are their kids supposed to?

 

I agree, and this is a safe place to blow off steam. And he or she has legitimate stressors and is a good kid.

[preraph]

Two of my friends have worked in cartoon graphics. They are married. One has an okay job but it still doesn't pay that well, and the other one didn't like it because she was only allowed to do coloration. It's not like they give you a free hand to draw whatever you want. You draw whatever THEY want. It's a highly competitive field, too, way more people wanting to do it than can make a living at it.

 

I would say learn that but also learn the more practical side so you'll have something you can make money in. But all this is a lot for someone your age to have to decide right now. Just go to college and do your basics and by then, the job prospects and hot fields will be totally different than they are today at this moment. And you may find something else you're interested in. I do hope you get some sort of little job before deciding all that because it helps clarify what you like and don't like and it also gives you more options that you didn't even know you had the more you put yourself out there. Don't stress about it, but just keep going along one day at a time and getting that day right and you'll be fine!

 

Don't feel bad about saying whatever you want on here about parents or sister. This is a good place to blow off steam and much better than blowing up at home!!

[vla1120]

Obviously I care about my sister, I love her and understand her perspective. I'm just annoyed with her. You can't expect me to be 100% tolerant of her behavior 100% of the time when I already have all this other **** going on.

 

You can vent all you want out here! Some will criticize. Some will be supportive. Some will be both (tough love.) I'm glad to hear you are starting to exercise and watch what you eat. It is SO much easier to get into good physical shape when you are younger than when you are my age. Change your daily behaviors and eating habits at you age and you'll enjoy a more active, healthy life. Also, there is nothing better than exercise to release endorphins and work away those frustrations.