Sister problems

[Threevowels]

Hello. I am experiencing problems with my elder sister, who has never been an easy person to get along with, and has always been very keen on speaking her mind. She is married but has no children. I have 3, all grown up now, and she has criticised them in the past, and has done so again just recently.

 

This time, however, I feel something needs to be said. I am fed up with her superior and frankly upsetting attitude towards my children.

 

At Xmas she sent my middle son a present which he failed to thank her for. The present was sent to me as my son was working abroad over Xmas itself. However, I quite agree he should have thanked her, and is easy enough in this age of mobiles and E mails to have done so (having said that, the children all contribute to presents for my sister and her husband and they do not contact the children to thank them, instead just asking me to pass their thanks on).

 

Because of the lack of thanks, my sister said she wouldn't be buying him a birthday present this year. Fair enough. She did text him on his birthday though, to wish him happy returns, but he didn't reply until the following day as he didn't have her number in his phone so didn't know who the text was from, and she didn't identify herself in it (I text him saying his aunt had messaged him and asking if he'd replied, at which point he realised who it was from).

 

She is now saying that he 'claims' not to have had her number, in other words calling him a liar, and is unhappy about his late reply to her text.

 

I am heartily sick of her attitude, and were it not for the fact she is the only family I have (apart from my children) I would happily reduce contact with her hugely.

 

Should I let her comments go and make it a case of least said, soonest mended, or am I justified in saying something to her?

 

Thank you for your opinions, either way.

[MetallicHue]

This sounds so like something my dad would do. I think your sisters behavior is not cool and you should say something to her. I would give general comments and then citing examples and how it makes you feel. But if she doesn’t change it’s up to you if you want to keep her in your life. I know who my dad is but he has cancer so I just grin and bear it. However he has gotten a bit better and there was a time when I wouldn’t talk to him at all. He partly got the message.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, an adult child who receives a gift and doesn't send his thanks back to the giver is selfish and rude...

No other way to say it, then he doesn't reply to the text.. it was quite obvious the texter knew him.. he knew who it was from and was hiding behind the fact they weren't in his contacts so he didn't have to be nice to them..

 

A happy birthday text is just like a gift and should be replied to not be impolite.

 

Why is it as their parent do you think that is all okay ?

Your sister seems fed up and it just reacting to your sons actions...

 

I will say in my family at age 18 the gifts for b-days and Christmas stop from all members except the Parents and Grandparents, so maybe you need to do that in your family also so feelings don't get hurt.

 

As far as what to do, it seems you have some resentment toward her and history and this might not be all that has caused it.. maybe a heart to heart with your sister with a conclusion to work it out is in order.

[Happy Lemming]

I had a rough with relationship with my sister and I tried to make it work, but I got tired of being the butt of jokes and put downs at family events. So, I just stopped talking to her, calling her and going to family events when she was there. There were a couple of Thanksgiving dinners that I ate a truck stop, as dinner was at my sister's house. Thanksgiving with the "over the road" truckers was both fun and interesting... GREAT STORIES!!

 

I haven't spoken to my sister in 25+ years and it hasn't affected my life at all.

 

You and your kids don't have to have a relationship with your sister. I don't allow negative people in my life and they don't get a pass if they are related to me.

[Threevowels]

IMO, an adult child who receives a gift and doesn't send his thanks back to the giver is selfish and rude...

No other way to say it, then he doesn't reply to the text.. it was quite obvious the texter knew him.. he knew who it was from and was hiding behind the fact they weren't in his contacts so he didn't have to be nice to them..

 

A happy birthday text is just like a gift and should be replied to not be impolite.

 

Why is it as their parent do you think that is all okay ?

Your sister seems fed up and it just reacting to your sons actions...

 

I will say in my family at age 18 the gifts for b-days and Christmas stop from all members except the Parents and Grandparents, so maybe you need to do that in your family also so feelings don't get hurt.

 

As far as what to do, it seems you have some resentment toward her and history and this might not be all that has caused it.. maybe a heart to heart with your sister with a conclusion to work it out is in order.

Thank you for your reply. I totally agree about my son's rudeness in not saying thank you for his Xmas present. However, there is more to add in that my sister has said that she feels sidelined by my son's girlfriend (no idea why - my son has virtually no contact with my sister) so I think he's not happy with her saying that, plus the criticism she has levelled at all my children over the years. So even when he found out who the text was from I don't think he was going to be in a hurry to respond - he knows she doesn't like him.

 

Over the years she has criticised my children for what she thinks they've done wrong and I've kept quiet, difficult though that's been. But frankly, I'm getting to the end of my tether.

[preraph]

So what did your son buy her for her birthday or Christmas? Or is this a one-way thing where she's expected to buy you and your kids presents and she gets nothing, not even thanks, from them? In that case, if I were her, I would just stop doing it, and you are the one at fault for not reciprocating for each of them if you expect presents for them from her. So if I were you, I'd tell her, no need for you to keep buying the kids presents since they don't reciprocate. Let's just gift each other.

[Threevowels]

My children buy both my sister and her husband presents for their birthdays and Xmas. It most certainly is not one-way present giving.

 

I came onto this site asking for advice, not out-and-out rudeness.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Family relationships aren't easy!

 

If you want a relationship with your sister always be gracious to her no matter her expectations.

 

If you couldn't care less then let her go.

 

In your place, though, I'd really encourage your children to be gracious to their aunt. Why should they given her behavior? Because when you are gracious, even to the ungracious, it is a perfume to the world! You become known for spreading love and kindness.

 

The most gracious of people whom everyone loves and loves to be around, are sometimes treated rudely. That doesn't change their behavior. They remain gracious to all.

 

Sometimes we don't understand why others behave the way they do and the reason is because we don't have their perspective. Best to always spread grace, whenever you have the opportunity and best to teach your children that.

 

Your children will be mistreated whether or not they are gracious, but if they are gracious their lives will be a thousand-fold better!

[basil67]

I really want to agree with LivingWater. But the other side of me thinks that your sister is a PIA. While thanks for a gift would be nice, it's not worth raising a discussion with the parent. And having a tanty about not getting a response to a piddling birthday text? Pfft.

[Gretchen12]

Your son is working abroad so that means he is an adult. He is not a child. This is between him and his aunt, these are two adults. They need not get along.

Your sister is coming to you, getting you involved. Her insinuation is that you did not bring him up properly. It seems there's sibling tension between you and your sister that existed before any issues arose with your son.

As far as your son is concerned, there are these two older women having issues with each other. I don't think young men think about nor care what Mum and Auntie are up to between them.

Next time your sister complains to you about your son, just tell her to speak to him directly if she takes an interest in him, and that you don't want to be caught between aunt and nephew.

[amaysngrace]

I would just get on him more about acknowledging the present or the text. I’ve been doing that my whole life with mine. I let them know it’s so-and-so’s birthday today or ask did they remember to thank so-and-so?

 

I figure at some point I won’t have to remind them and it’s really nice when I mention something and they’ve already had it handled.

 

I still keep reminding them though just to be sure.

[preraph]

^ which is the way to do it.

[basil67]

I dunno. Haven't we mothers got enough emotional load without reminding our grown children to do things? There comes a time when we need to let go and allow them to learn by consequence.

[amaysngrace]

I talk to my kids almost every day, the ones still at home I talk to daily, so conversing with them about what’s going on isn’t some big burden since that’s just normal for us.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I dunno. Haven't we mothers got enough emotional load without reminding our grown children to do things? There comes a time when we need to let go and allow them to learn by consequence.

 

I talk to my kids almost every day, the ones still at home I talk to daily, so conversing with them about what’s going on isn’t some big burden since that’s just normal for us.

 

Both of these make sense, IMO.

 

The onus is on the grown son to handle his relationship with his aunt.

 

Hopefully, the training has been done before they're grown and the last post I wrote was addressing the training I believe should be done while they're still at home. But if a mom knows the son or daughter needs prompting, they have a good R, and it's convenient for her, she can remind them if she likes.

 

Personally, once my kids were grown they were on their own for all of their relationships and thank yous. I do think the aunt in this case was out-of-line for complaining to the mom about her son.

 

In the case OP has written about, I'd cover for my son by saying how busy he is and that I know he appreciated the text if he got it but possibly it didn't go through or something happened to it. Then I'd mention it to the son if I remembered and he could do as he pleased about it.

 

Some of my grown nieces and nephews don't acknowledge gifts (wedding and their first born child gifts only, I don't send bd gifts) I send to them and some of them do. I don't ever mention it to the parents if they don't acknowledge the gift nor do I allow it to affect my R with them.