Problem I have with my girlfriend..

[Bognerman14]

Hi all!

 

For me this is a serious problem because I am falling for this is woman.

 

This is sort of a two part question. I have been dating a woman for 2 months and I am starting to fall for her. We have amazing chemistry and communicate so well. I have two issues however.

 

The first is that she has a history of cheating and also open relationships. She said she has changed and wants to be monogamous as she was in her last long term relationship. She is veey honest and we talk about all of this and I know she would not cheat, but she sometimes still wonders if she is just better off with multiple partners. That said, she said she felt she may have been doing that due to fear of getting truly close to one person. This is the lesser of the two issues as we seem to have gotten past this and she assures me she wants to only be with one person, and it seems to be me. She moves slowly so we are still getting to know each other better.

 

The bigger issues for me is that she is bi and wants to still have occasional sex with her long time female friend. I am fine with her being bi, but her having sex with another person, bothers me. She says she much prefers men but every few years has to have sex with her woman friend. Right now she is away in California and she is staying some days with this woman and I know they are having sex. She has a high libido, like me. She never asked me how it made me feel, that she is having sex with a woman. For me, sex is between me and my special person, and I don't like sharing. I need it to be just us. One time she told me this will be the last time she has sex with her, but then another time whe said that every now and then she needs sex with a woman. Instead of asking me how it made me feel, she just brushed it off and said that it's not like she has a penis, so I have nothing to worry about. I think she is missing the point as to why it bothers me. Sex is very emotional for me so seeing her be intimate with another person, is hard for me to deal with. I need to ask her if this is something she needs for the rest of her life and if I can live with that before this goes further.

 

She has known this woman for years. And I know she loves her as a friend but they make out and have sex so it makes me feel like sh wis sharing deep intimacy with someone other than me, and it kills me.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thanks!

[FMW]

My Opinion:

 

Sex is sex, doesn't matter whether she's having it with a woman or another man. If you want/need to be monogamous then this would be a violation of that monogamy.

 

As to her past before meeting you (cheating, open relationships) I would have concern but would probably try to take her at her word that you are the only man she wants to be with.

 

But it's not unreasonable to think if she wants other sexual experiences with women (or even one woman) that her desire for variety might eventually include other men again.

 

So for me, the other woman thing would be the biggest issue. Sounds like it is for you to. As in most things, it comes down to having compatible views and desires, and it looks like the two of you don't.

[Bognerman14]

Thanks,

It's a sad situation because I am falling in love with her and I just love our chemistry. I have never been with a women in my 49 years where I felt this comfortable in every way. We will have to have a taalk when she returns.

When we started dating, she told me this next time with her girlfriend wod be the last time but recently she said now and then she has to satisfy her desire for women.

I would think it is impossible for bisexual powpl to be monogamous because you can't satisfy desire for both sexea with one person!

 

Thanks

[BaileyB]

If you are looking for a serious, monogamous relationship... it doesn’t sound like this is your girl. Sorry.

[Threevowels]

Hello.

I really feel for you because it sounds as though you really want the relationship to work. But knowing your girlfriend is sleeping with someone else (the fact it's another woman is irrelevant) for me would be a complete slap in the face and I would have to end the relationship.

 

Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't - it's not conditional.

 

Save your love for someone who deserves it.

 

Good luck.

[Bognerman14]

Thanks, will talk to her when she gets back from California. I may have to end it. Ugh.

I have never felt this comfortable with any woman and it is killing me inside.

Worried I will never find someone again with whom I feel so compatible, other then this issue.

[preraph]

I have to think you can find someone more settled and better suited. She obviously likes to not be faithful, even though right now she's saying she wants monogamy, but that's not true, because at the same time, she wants to keep banging her girlfriend. That's not monogamy.

 

My best advice here is if you really like her, tell her, I'm no longer thinking of monogamy or marriage with you down the road. I think we're better off just both continuing to date and we can see each other too until I find someone I want to settle down with.

 

I don't think she'll freak at this. I think she's fooling herself thinking she can be monogamous and would not, in fact, be happy that way. I think even if she was practicing monogamy, there will always be the threat of her having this other option out there to flee to first time she's unhappy.

[loversquarrel]

different values do not a good relationship make. The both of you already have a difference of opinion on a serious subject. She is also a self proclaimed cheater, why take the risk?

[Bognerman14]

Thanks guys.

Neither of us believes in marriage. Never understood it and no desire to get married and she doesn't either.

She said when she was with her last guy for 9 years, she was monogamous. I will talk about all of thus when I see her next. I will report back. Thnks so much guys, it's been helpful to clear my heard and get more clarity. Good point on monogamy, whenl she is banging her girlfriend. Hmm

She told me she has to get her girl fix. I don't need that in my life.

 

She did say that part of rhe reason she had multiple partners was be ahse she had trouble being so emotionally vulnerable and close to one person, so it was easier to spread herself around.

She also told me that I am the first man she has met that made her feel like she could get everything she wants in her partner.

She says she wants to be monogamous but I need to get clarity on this girl thing.

Edited March 24, 2019 by Bognerman14

[chillii]

Sorry to say it man but she sounds like one mess of a woman to me.

You know to be talking like this and have all these mixed up bs thoughts and ideas , at her age, she doesn't even know herself , she sounds like a spinning headed teenager and that's usually very bad news.

And she needs her woman fix is no better than screwing around or you needing other chick fixes, it's the same thing.

PS , my ex w was bi , and l was as horny as hell , so what , that doesn't mean we both go and get an outside fix whenever we feel like it or we shouldn't be together, that's not a relationship or marriage.

And nope things not working out had nothing to do with any of that and either of us ever once strayed off in 20yrs.

l know how rare and hard this stuff is to find, but l dunno , think your asking for trouble and heartache with this one.

[Bognerman14]

Thanks guys..

I totally get and the writing is on the wall.

I mean having an open relationship is fine and healthy for some people but it is not for me.

But some people I know who are bi, tell me they have to satisfy both urges, to be with mean and women so it's difficult to be in a relationship with one person.

Not for me...

[bathtub-row]

You love her because she’s flighty and unpredictable. Trying to pin her down or get her to change will change the relationship and, ultimately, how you feel about her. Then the lies will begin.

 

It’s perfectly understandable that you expect a faithful partner but she’s not ever going to be that person, as you already know.

[Bognerman14]

One thing I didn't like is that after us being together for about a month she told me she was just finishing up phasing out her ex who she stills sees and has over her house a friend. She feels sorry for him since he has a messed up life but I told her I don't feel comfortable with your ex hanging at your house all the time. She said they haven't had sex in close to two months now which is about when she and I started getting closer. She says he is like family and she loves him like a brother but he is already dating other women and luckily he had enough sense to tell her that he would not have sex with her again since she started dating me. He said he refused to share her. I agree with him. I have no interest in sharing.

I am trying to find my life partner.

She also said that she was looking to go to Germany and was going to invite me, her girlfriend or her ex Chris. I was like... You ex? And she said it would be touch to not get tempted into sex with him if he joined her in Germany.

I told her I would be done with her if she even considered it.

 

I am having an important conversation with her when she gets back and I guess this could be the end. Stinks.

 

Because I stay in great shape and workout 6 days a week, I am only really attracted to women in amazing shape and so it limits my choices. It's just what I like and am attracted to. I also need amazing communication, empathy, honesty and monogamy. Ugh.

[Mr. Lucky]

Because I stay in great shape and workout 6 days a week, I am only really attracted to women in amazing shape and so it limits my choices.

 

You might look for women who's emotional development matched their physical shape. Everything she's told you sounds slightly off, someone who wants real closeness and intimacy doesn't come with pre-planned infidelity and an ex in close orbit...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bognerman14]

Yes, good points. I am sick of this garbage. The last woman I dated had a fear of intimacy and that is why it ended. Heart breaking. She was a mess too.

[loversquarrel]

Your last post sums it up. She is telling you loud and clear what she is like, I think you should be wise to listen. Better to allow a real woman to enjoy your physique rather than this flake.

[bmh]

Silver lining- you’re finding out now who she really is. Don’t let her talk herself out of what she’s already told you. Don’t believe any fake promises or that she magically changed her mind. This is the rest of your life we are talking about. Best of luck to you!