Am I right to be upset over his behavior?

[yellowrose2014]

I have had an emotionally abusive relationship with my soon to be ex for over eight years now. We got couples counseling and he was able to contain his anger better. However, we still have issues that remind me of his past anger issues. When he is upset about something he withdraws completely. This means, no phone or texts unless to talk about child. He will not hug, kiss or touch me. He is a very jealous person with trust issues as well. But he will never admit to being jealous.

 

Here is the latest upset. I went to a bar where I would be meeting up with a gay guy friend of mine. This friend of mine is someone my ex has always been threatened by. That is a serious red flag. So, when I got to the bar a man was already at the bar sitting with friends. He was one of those extrovert types. He was laughing with friends and talking to everyone at the bar. I forgot what made us strike up a conversation but I told him I was there waiting for my guy friend. The man bought me a drink and as soon as my friend appeared he bought him a drink too. The guy was talking about this wife joining him soon at the bar and continued to buy me and my friend drinks. His wife arrived and we all talked and hung out at the bar. We all talked about hooking up again and hanging out. I gave him my number and went home.

 

 

I have never given my number to men while in this relationship except my gay friend. I’m not sure why I thought giving my number to this guy would be different in my soon to be ex’s eyes. Anyway, I told my soon to be ex about the guy and how he bought me and my friend drinks. He behaved as if I cheated on him. He was very upset, hence the attitude with me for almost TWO months now. I did not tell him about me giving the guy my number b/c I knew he would read more into it than what it was.

 

The problem is he will find out I gave this guy my number b/c I am on his phone plan and he has gotten the records in the past looking for proof of me doing something wrong. Mind you I have never cheated while with him. I also wear a nice sizeengagement ring he gave me all the time.

 

I am really fed up with his jealousy and insecurities. We are well into our 40’s. Am I wrong to be upset with him at this point? I know Ishouldn’t have given the guy my number but there was nothing malicious or deceitfulin that act. I have no desire to step out on him at all.

Edited March 25, 2019 by yellowrose2014

[hippychick3]

First of all, your soon to be ex sounds like an emotionally abusive control freak. I was married to someone like this for many years. All the therapy in the world didn't change that behavior.

 

Second of all, you were WAY out of line going to that bar and not only accepting drinks from another man but giving him your phone number? Women in committed relationships don't do this. It doesn't matter that his wife was coming. You should have refused the drink and NOT given him your number. So I assume you've been texting him since you're saying that phone records will show you've been in contact? That is wrong. You were very wrong in this situation.

 

Both of you need to go your separate ways, and you need to realize what you did would cause any man to be angry and jealous.

[Simple Logic]

I am not certain what you describe is emotionally abuse. Yes, your BF has problems.

[preraph]

Stop messing around with your ex! Get a court order that says all communication should ONLY be about your kids and any contact should only be to exchange your kids. This is your own doing! Why are you even staying in a relationship with him? He's your EX. Act like it. Get the state to get his child support if that's an issue. Stop seeing him. He shouldn't have a key to your house, you shouldn't be sleeping with him, you shouldn't be talking to him at all and just use one of those websites for exes sharing custody that has email only communication and stops you from discussing anything else.

[yellowrose2014]

Hippychick,

 

 

You are right. I suppose I should not have accepted drinks for any reason. I guess I wasn't thinking. No, I replied to the guy's text once about when me and my friend would be heading back to that bar. There has been no texts at all after.

[bathtub-row]

I’m a little confused but am assuming that you’re about to divorce this numbskull you’re married to. Hopefully, that’s the case. However, knowing his personality, why did you even discuss the other guy with him? You have to know that your future ex isn’t reasonable on any level.

 

As far as you giving your number to a married man, I’m not sure what you were thinking but that was completely inappropriate. If everything was on the up and up, it seems you would’ve given your number to his wife. Don’t ever defer to the man when he’s married.

 

As far as your phone is concerned, get your phone off of your husband’s plan.

[preraph]

Just fyi, you don't get to be "just friends" with your ex just because you're used to telling him everything once he's your ex. He doesn't want to hear about your personal life and he's not your friend.

[d0nnivain]

You need to be more upset with yourself. Why on earth would you tell your jealous EX anything about anything especially your social life? You caused this drama. It will stop when you learn to be quiet.

 

Some people in bars buy other people drinks. It's just the nature of bars. There was nothing tawdry. I am not sure why you gave your # to the married man & not his wife but other than that, it was a random meaningless interaction.

[yellowrose2014]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Thank God we were only engaged and not actually married. We do have a child together so I will concentrate on making the split with her dad as painless as I can. She is still young so it will be a bit difficult for her.

[Amy1992]

If the two of you aren't married, what do you mean when you say he's your soon to be ex? That makes it sound as though you've decided that you want to end the relationship but haven't broken the news to him yet.

 

I didn't think there was automatically something wrong with you giving the man in the bar your number, since his wife arrived and you all spent time together. Sometimes you get situations like that where a bunch of people have good chemistry as a group and want to socialise together again, which is how I pictured it.

 

But the ex situation has me confused since from the way he's behaving it doesn't sound as though he thinks the two of you are soon to be exes. Unless you seeing other men were to affect your daughter in some way I don't see how it's his business. I just don't really get why you're calling him your soon to be ex if the two of you aren't married. What hurdle's left for you to overcome before he's officially your ex?

[yellowrose2014]

I am calling him my soon to be ex b/c I am going to break up w/him. We have too many arguments over foolishness. It has become too much. He is very jealous and insecure and I'm just done.

[S2B]

Get your own phone/bill.

 

Problem solved - you will likely need a separate bill anyway when you leave him.

 

When are you ending it?

[basil67]

I am calling him my soon to be ex b/c I am going to break up w/him. We have too many arguments over foolishness. It has become too much. He is very jealous and insecure and I'm just done.

 

Ah, that changes my thoughts completely.

 

When you've told him that you're done, then it's perfectly acceptable to accept drinks from someone in a bar. But while he thinks there is still a relationship, you need to behave as if you are in one.

[d0nnivain]

I am calling him my soon to be ex b/c I am going to break up w/him.

 

I'm just done.

 

Apparently you are still together. In that case it was very wrong of you to be openly flirting. End it already. At this point he thinks you are still getting married. Leading him on & not telling him you want out is horrible on your part. Maybe he's so insecure because you are proving to be untrustworthy.

[trulycommitted]

I would strongly encourage you to reach out to people around you ----a friend, a church pastor, a relative for guidance and support. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor? Are there any women groups in your area? Find someone who can help you; who can give you guidance and support. Relationships do go through phases; however, some behaviors are toxic and not healthy. I would suggest to quickly seek the counsel of someone you trust. Hang in there; I am sorry you are experience all of this.

[yellowrose2014]

I was not flirting. Not even a little. In all the years we have been a couple I haven't flirted w/anyone. The guy buying me a drink was buying drinks for other people at the bar too, and not just women. He was just a friendly guy buying rounds for folks. Nothing more or less. I see my mistake was in accepting the drink and exchanging numbers. I gave him my number in front of his wife and only b/c I tought he and his wife were fun to hang out with. Me and my guy friend gave him our numbers. I haven't even called or text him since that day. He has reached out to my guy friend to ask if we were coming by that bar again anytime soon.

[bathtub-row]

As the saying goes, “Perception is reality”.

 

It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, per se. You were just having fun. But what you did looked bad from your future ex’s POV. Next time, I wouldn’t mention things like that. It’s great that the other guy reached out. Sounds like a fun couple.