4 months on, when does it get easier?

[Darren87]

My ex dumped me 4 months ago saying that she thinks that we get on each other’s nerves still, having dumped me for a similar reason last Feb. There were no major issues like cheating, huge arguments or abuse. She said she still loved me, I’d always have a place in her heart etc and she was in tears. We exchanged a few messages that day after she left (no pleading or anything like that in them or during the actual break up), then I stopped responding & haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve kept active, lost weight, packed on lean muscle & look very good. I’ve been out with friends & on quite a lot of dates. However after 4 months i still think about her almost all day everyday. When does this get easier?

 

Summer is fast approaching & the weather is getting nice, which just makes me feel even worse as I want to spend those summer days & evenings with her. I’m literally dreading the summer. I know that she doesn’t spend a waking second thinking about me and that I’m just a distant memory, so I don’t understand why that hasn’t made me even begin to get over her. She liked a few things I put on IG in Dec & Jan, now nothing (I’ve never liked anything of hers). She’s liked a few of my fiends posts but that’s it. I don’t follow her, but did check her IG a few weeks ago & it looks like she’s out having a great time every weekend.

 

I know NC is the right thing, not just for me but also because you’ve got to respect people’s decisions when they effectively tell you they no longer want you in their life. I didn’t even know about NC until a month after the break up.

 

Has anyone else experienced similar? 4 months, doing everything ‘right’ and no change at all in how you feel about the whole mess?

[SOWEGA_Gentleman]

Brother, I have been a distant observer on these boards for some time now. And I can't offer you any advice you've already probably heard a thousand times....but I'm in the same boat as you. It's been about 8 months since my x and I broke it off with absolutely no contact. It was an ugly breakup and there should be NO REASON on God's Green Earth that I still think about her.....but I do. Almost every day. I'm not near as sad as I used to be, I don't want her back but I just find myself thinking about her. Why? No idea. Will it ever end? It should. When? No friggin' idea. They say it goes away one day though. All I can tell you is that you are not alone, brother.

[Redhead14]

My ex dumped me 4 months ago saying that she thinks that we get on each other’s nerves still, having dumped me for a similar reason last Feb. There were no major issues like cheating, huge arguments or abuse. She said she still loved me, I’d always have a place in her heart etc and she was in tears. We exchanged a few messages that day after she left (no pleading or anything like that in them or during the actual break up), then I stopped responding & haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve kept active, lost weight, packed on lean muscle & look very good. I’ve been out with friends & on quite a lot of dates. However after 4 months i still think about her almost all day everyday. When does this get easier?

 

Summer is fast approaching & the weather is getting nice, which just makes me feel even worse as I want to spend those summer days & evenings with her. I’m literally dreading the summer. I know that she doesn’t spend a waking second thinking about me and that I’m just a distant memory, so I don’t understand why that hasn’t made me even begin to get over her. She liked a few things I put on IG in Dec & Jan, now nothing (I’ve never liked anything of hers). She’s liked a few of my fiends posts but that’s it. I don’t follow her, but did check her IG a few weeks ago & it looks like she’s out having a great time every weekend.

 

I know NC is the right thing, not just for me but also because you’ve got to respect people’s decisions when they effectively tell you they no longer want you in their life. I didn’t even know about NC until a month after the break up.

 

Has anyone else experienced similar? 4 months, doing everything ‘right’ and no change at all in how you feel about the whole mess?

 

 

You've been doing a lot of things right, but for the wrong reason which is what most people end up doing. In other words, you're trying to stay busy and productive, doing things that are beneficial for you, but have you actually allowed yourself to grieve? People often just stay busy in order to push away feelings and then when it's quieter the feelings come to the surface again. You're just masking them. Not giving them a chance to get out. It's really important to allow yourself to really feel those feelings. Do it in little bits though. You may say, "well, I did that and was in bed for a month grieving and I cried everyday," That's too much. That's unproductive and it's exhausting and usually people start just pushing them down and not dealing at all because of that. Make a plan to give yourself say 1/2 an hour a day to sit alone with the feelings, let them wash over you -- cry, scream into a pillow, throw something you don't want or need, etc., writing here or in a journal is a good thing too. After that 1/2 hour, then you get busy and focused on something else. But do let yourself feel. If you do it a little at a time each day for a while, you'll find that you need less and less time to do it and it will be less and less painful too. You'll build a tolerance for it -- get used to it so to speak. Try it for a couple of weeks. You don't really have anything to lose.

[mark clemson]

Good advice above. You might be experiencing limerence which can continue for some time in the absence of the other person. Suggest you research that term (Wikipedia should be fine).

 

If it's limerence, my belief is the more completely she's out of your life, with NO chance of returning, the more quickly it will fade, but it could still be up to about a year (sometimes even longer). It's not something one can shut off unfortunately but all the things you're doing (including what's mentioned in Redhead's post above) should make it easier as you wait it out. Don't look at pictures or her social media if you've been doing that as I believe it will keep it re-triggering.

 

It DOES fade eventually.

[Darren87]

@Redhead14 maybe, as weird as it sounds, I’m not sure. I’ve been mildly depressed since. As in, I’m certialy not suicidal or anything & can get out of the house & have a good time with fiends etc. But thoughts always return to her when I’m alone or not busy & I’ve lost interest in stuff like films (I’m a huge film geek). I think I have grieved, but maybe not enough. Thanks for the advice.

[nolanola]

OP, I think it's really a process rather than an abrupt thing. I've started noticing the number of days that I have that I feel more happy than sad. That was a big thing for me, just to have one day where I thought "I feel happy". I am about 5 months NC and it has been very tough for me.

 

In the beginning (maybe the first 6 weeks), he was on my mind ALL THE TIME. Like a tape repeating over and over - "why did he do this" "why didn't he say that" "is he serious about her". I was constantly analyzing everything he had said or done. I could not think about anything else for very long. I had to actively distract myself with other things.

 

After that, I actually hit a deeper depression, I think because the initial anger and adrenaline wore off and I was left with the emptiness of him not being there. This lasted probably about 3 months of really up and down. One day I would start to feel a little bit better and then the next day I would be sobbing.

 

After that, I started feeling better overall although I still had some really down moments. One example was when I looked at his new girlfriend's Facebook page. That set me back a good bit. In the past 2-3 weeks, I've really started feeling a lot better. I started some new things to try to meet some new people and to stretch myself a bit. That has helped a lot.

 

But, I think the thing that is the most important is that I still think about my ex all the time. I don't think about him in the same way I did in the beginning, when I was so obsessive, but I still think about him a lot. I think I have accepted things more now and when I think about him, most of the time I just have this bittersweet feeling. I do occasionally get angry or really really sad and sometimes sit in it for a while, but it's less overwhelming than it was.

 

I'm telling you all this to let you know that I think it is very normal and fine for you to be where you are at 4 months after a breakup. Everyone heals in their own time, so 4 months might feel like a very long time, but to me it doesn't seem that long. I think if you think hard about it, you will be able to recognize progress in yourself. My Dad is a fan of a lot of the AA sayings but I think the saying "progress, not perfection" is spot on here. Keep at what you are doing and it will get better. Probably not in a huge way all of a sudden, but little by little.