Janiel Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 My wife and I have been married for a while now but have kept it a secret for the most part. The only people who know are her dad, one of her siblings, my mom and one of my siblings. We were already planning a wedding but did it sooner for insurance and have kept it a secret because we still want to have a wedding. Anyways the reason I'm here is because the other day I found out that one other person knows that I was never told about, her ex husband. There wasn't any legal reason for him to know but they talk every now and then and she told him. It is bothering a little because I had to beg her to let me tell my sister because I wasn't sure she'd be able to make it to our wedding and I didn't want her to feel bad. Am I being ridiculous for feeling this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 Am I being ridiculous for feeling this way? Old Chinese proverb - three people can keep a secret as long as two of them are dead. Why not let the wedding be public knowledge (like it's already becoming ) and instead plan a reception party to celebrate your marriage? As part of that, there could be some small "vows" portion. I'm afraid if I attended a wedding ceremony for folks I later found out had married earlier, I'd feel slightly hoodwinked... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 No, you're not being ridiculous. Not only did you agree not to tell anyone other than the small group you agreed upon, he is her ex - why would she give HIM special treatment? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 (edited) One thing l learned very early , women usually just have to tell someone. :bunny: The ex , god only knows , do they have kids ? Did you ask her why him of all people. Edited March 26, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 The only reason the ex should know is if they have children together, otherwise I'm not quite sure why she should be telling him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janiel Posted March 26, 2019 Author Share Posted March 26, 2019 They don't have kids together or any financial ties. As far as I'm aware of they just chat every once in a while to see how the other one is doing. Before knowing about this I always ask her for a reminder on who knows our secret because I don't want to slip up and he has never been mentioned. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 I've never understood these sort of "secret" marriages. Why not just let people know you are married and are having a celebration/reception on XYZ date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janiel Posted March 26, 2019 Author Share Posted March 26, 2019 That's what I wanted to do but she didn't want anyones feelings to get hurt for missing it actually happening. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 No, you're not being ridiculous. I'd feel the same in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 That's what I wanted to do but she didn't want anyones feelings to get hurt for missing it actually happening. But that feeling wasn't strong enough to stop her from running off and getting married? Janiel, you're married now, time to stop the drama and silly games. Funny how often the truth is the best solution in situations like yours... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janiel Posted March 27, 2019 Author Share Posted March 27, 2019 Well it was somewhat time sensitive, like I said in the first post we planned a wedding but something came up where one of us needed insurance. I agree that we should have told everyone but your logic behind it doesn't make sense unless you're only talking about keeping our marriage a secret by itself, which wasn't really what I was asking about. It could have been anything personal or something we didn't want most people outside of our relationship to know about. If I found out she told her ex of all people I still might feel the same. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 That's what I wanted to do but she didn't want anyones feelings to get hurt for missing it actually happening. You can’t control how other people feel. Honesty is always best. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 Maybe she wanted him to know if he has been hanging on or something hoping she'd come back. Also, if he is not connected to her other social circle at this point, it's safe to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 I agree that we should have told everyone but your logic behind it doesn't make sense unless you're only talking about keeping our marriage a secret by itself, which wasn't really what I was asking about. Two things you seem to be glossing over - - I once had a therapist tell me, in her experience, there's only two kinds of secrets. Those that are so big you can't wait to tell someone else, and those that seem so small you don't think it matters if you tell someone else. Your situation seems further proof of this concept. - having a wedding ceremony when you're already married, unless you disclose to the invitees, isn't a truthful way to interact with family and friends. Especially since you can certainly still have all the legitimate ceremony and celebration you want. So no, she shouldn't have told him. But you can only keep your finger in the dike for so long... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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