Ladies.. stop saying "I have a boyfriend"

[elaine567]

The other tiresome excuse is "this is not appropriate". Sick of that word.

What are you doing and saying to those women to provoke that response?

[preraph]

I've said, "I can't," a couple of times. Usually have to repeat it.

[Garcon1986]

I've actually pushed hard enough in my younger years to hear:

 

"I have no feelings for you whatsoever".

 

and

 

"It would be in your best interest to never come here again".

 

It's better for you to live and learn old chap, no need to fall flat on your face like I did.

[whichwayisup]

1.) Men are competitive. Especially after you hit a certain age, you kind of start to assume that every attractive woman has some sort of 'deal'. It's pretty much a given. So when a confident man hears about another guy, his first instinct is to size up the competition. They are taking you at your word. Where is this guy? How confident is he? How big is he? Is he an earner? Etc.

 

What age range are you talking about? Only a real immature jerk would do that (bolded).

 

A confident and gentlemanly guy would accept her rejection and move on.

[hercules22]

i dont see anything wrong with it they usually say that so you stop trying to talk to them some do actually have one it just a form of rejecting someone most people would move on right away which is what they hope for

[GoodOnPaper]

The thing is that they all say they have a BF or married even when they do not.

 

After college, I wish I had a dollar for every "I have a BF/fiance" comment I heard within 60 seconds of the start of a conversation! It was extremely frustrating, but I understand why women do it - harassment is real. My response was the opposite of the OP's, though - I always came away feeling awkward and defeated. Ironically, I would beat myself up about not being "manly" enough to be more persistent - and we thought we were so enlightened and progressive in the '90s!

 

I guess it worked out well for my wife. She was the only woman I met in a year who was willing to admit that she didn't have a BF/fiance. Not the most fashionable reason to date someone but what are you going to do when you are under the impression that there are virtually no single women?

[Els]

This:

 

 

 

The thing is that they all say they have a BF or married even when they do not.

I heard that all my life. When I was in college, there was always a boy back home. Even without a ring, girls say shes married.

 

 

Just miiiiiighhhhttt have something to do with this:

 

 

 

 

The other tiresome excuse is "this is not appropriate". Sick of that word.

 

 

Obviously if you're being inappropriate, they are going to try to get rid of you in the quickest and most non-confrontational way they can think of.

[alphamale]

women who are GENUINELY interested in you will never say they are attached or have a boyfriend. they are saying this because they don't want you to embarrass yourself by asking her out.

[RecentChange]

women who are GENUINELY interested in you will never say they are attached or have a boyfriend. they are saying this because they don't want you to embarrass yourself by asking her out.

 

This.

 

Why pester women who are trying to tell you to go away?

 

And as for mentioning a BF or husband in the first 60 seconds. As someone who is in a committed relationship- it’s basically my duty to say it immediately when I sense someone is hitting on me.

[Amy1992]

First of all, don't get the wrong idea. I am not some incel put off by rejection. I'm going to tell you why "I have a boyfriend" not only doesn't work, but why you should be straightforward with your rejection.

 

1.) Men are competitive. Especially after you hit a certain age, you kind of start to assume that every attractive woman has some sort of 'deal'. It's pretty much a given. So when a confident man hears about another guy, his first instinct is to size up the competition. They are taking you at your word. Where is this guy? How confident is he? How big is he? Is he an earner? Etc.

 

 

Telling somebody you're taken is a reasonable, polite way of turning unwanted advances down. It's not our job to anticipate and try to avoid every form of polite knock back that might be irritating for a man to hear for the zillionth time.

 

I get that you're maybe trying to give out a bit of helpful advice to women, but most of us probably have a ton more experience of fending off unwanted advances from men than you do. Chances are that most of us will carry on what instinct and experience tells us is most likely to work with the minimum amount of hassle.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't get why you think that women who aren't interested in you are supposed to reject you in a way that you prefer. They don't care.

[metalbabble]

I will reply to this as a catch-all, since it seems to reflect a lot of the criticisms here.

 

First of all - you have to understand, just because you hit on a woman, she doesn't owe you anything.

 

She is not obligated to give you an "honest" answer as to why she is rejecting you. She isn't obligated to give you tools to better yourself. She isn't obligated to open a dialog on the topic.

 

I acknowledge this. I am not demanding women hold up a mirror, and obviously if they have a boyfriend or husband, it's fine to mention him if the conversation steers in that direction. There was a funny Amy Schumer skit about this.. Here you go, check it out.

 

My request was not to say it, if you in fact, do not have a boyfriend.. and I gave reasons why.

 

It may be a surprise to you, but often men don't take no for an answer. Men, often when given a genuine rejection will try to talk their way out of it.

 

Is that true though? Anecdotes aside, how often are men getting straight up feedback about why women aren't interested? Again, men aren't owed this. Usually body language suffices in getting the message across.

 

Well, in my experience "confident men" will take the same road with an honest rejection. They will come up with excuses, say you don't know them yet, that they ARE what you want etc etc etc.

 

What are we supposed to say? "No thank you, I am not interested, I think your face is ugly and your breath smells bad". "No thanks, you come off as a total douche bag?"

 

Honestly, if it's something they can change, I'd say it's fair game.. It stings when it's something like being short or being bald, but bad breath can be remedied with mouthwash and looks can often be remedied with a gym pass.

 

Please, give some examples of rejections you wished you were getting instead of the "I am taken" line.

 

Anything that gets the message across that you're not attracted to the person. Specific feedback is ideal, but barring that, simply "No thanks, not interested" which can easily escalate to "get lost, creep".

 

I have used "sorry I don't find you attractive" - he seemed like he took it as a gut punch. I suppose a "confident" guy would have pressed on the issue - and he wouldn't have gotten more from me, because well, like I said. I don't owe him jack s****.

 

That's perfect though. You gave him some feedback to take back with him to forge himself anew.

[metalbabble]

What age range are you talking about? Only a real immature jerk would do that (bolded).

 

A confident and gentlemanly guy would accept her rejection and move on.

 

Not a maturity thing, more of a testosterone thing.. especially squaring off against guys in long term relationships, as they tend to become soft and complacent; so if you're single and aggressive and active, you start to see women you're attracted to as competition.. and mismatched couples make for obvious targets.

 

I'm not saying this to defend this form of masculinity, it's more of an FYI. If you're a guy with a hot wife/girlfriend, I'd caution against letting yourself go.

[metalbabble]

What if a woman told GuyX that her BF is a retired marine and olympian who now runs his own international company headquartered in Hawaii, but is a writer at heart with a Booker prize? Would that work?

 

But seriously, if a woman you approach says she has a BF, leave her alone.

 

I say this without any sarcasm.. while you certainly don't owe anyone that level of explanation, it would be highly effective. Men understand hierarchies. If your BF is the better man out the gate, it's game over. That's not even a rejection, most guys would admire you as a couple.

[metalbabble]

I've actually pushed hard enough in my younger years to hear:

 

"I have no feelings for you whatsoever".

 

and

 

"It would be in your best interest to never come here again".

 

It's better for you to live and learn old chap, no need to fall flat on your face like I did.

 

Nah, you did it right. Men need to hit those hard boundaries to learn. It's the guys who never push who end up settling and the 'what ifs' linger. At least you know what your potential is because you grew a pair. I respect that more and I bet the ladies did too.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I agree with the folks who have suggested that you might want to delve a little deeper into why you're being rejected so frequently and accused of being inappropriate, instead of lecturing women about the way they word their rejections.

 

I've always used "I'm taken" or some variation thereof, because it's true.

 

It sounds like you get overtly sexual/try to escalate too quickly. Maybe reserve the heavy come-ons for after you've established that a woman is available and interested in you.

 

But if it makes you feel any better, if you wanna hit on me, I'd be happy to give you a look of disgust and tell you incredulously that you've got to be joking, then walk away shaking my head.

 

Would that be better?

[metalbabble]

I agree with the folks who have suggested that you might want to delve a little deeper into why you're being rejected so frequently and accused of being inappropriate, instead of lecturing women about the way they word their rejections.

 

I've always used "I'm taken" or some variation thereof, because it's true.

 

It sounds like you get overtly sexual/try to escalate too quickly. Maybe reserve the heavy come-ons for after you've established that a woman is available and interested in you.

 

But if it makes you feel any better, if you wanna hit on me, I'd be happy to give you a look of disgust and tell you incredulously that you've got to be joking, then walk away shaking my head.

 

Would that be better?

 

While I am the OP, I was not the guy who was being told he's inappropriate. That hasn't happened to me.

 

I know that attraction is normally the reason. I think that you have every right to unapologetically let me know you're not attracted to me, as long as you don't begrudge the fact that people may unapologetically let you know that they find you attractive.

 

I'm in my 30s now, where rejection is much easier to stomach, and it's been a bit of a renaissance for me to date with this new level of self worth. If I escalate quickly it's because I know windows for this can be small. So maybe I'm projecting here, but I actually relish both positive and negative feedback. Meanwhile, I realize it can be a bit stressful/offputting to those I'm putting under the microscope.

[oldtruck]

When a woman says I have a boyfriend it is understood that she may not

have a boyfriend and that she is not interested in the man pursuing her.

 

It is just understood for code that she is trying to tell you no, letting the man

down easy.

 

Definitely better than being told I will not go out with you because you have

no social skills, low paying job, too ugly, too short, too bald, too fat, or any

other reason that a woman does not find a man attractive.

[metalbabble]

When a woman says I have a boyfriend it is understood that she may not

have a boyfriend and that she is not interested in the man pursuing her.

 

It is just understood for code that she is trying to tell you no, letting the man

down easy.

 

Definitely better than being told I will not go out with you because you have

no social skills, low paying job, too ugly, too short, too bald, too fat, or any

other reason that a woman does not find a man attractive.

 

It's not definitely better though.. That was kind of the whole point I was trying to make.

 

In fact, I'd argue that there's more to be interpreted by the unsaid (I would but) "...I have a boyfriend" than, (I would but) "...I don't find you attractive".

One can be remedied much quicker than the other. Care to guess which?

 

So no, it's not understood and no it's not definitely better.. I reject your assumption. Just because something has been widely adopted as a social norm, doesn't mean you have to accept it, and it certainly doesn't make it objectively better.

 

If you say, "I have a boyfriend" then even if I recognize this as a rejection, I'm still put on the spot to continue the conversation.. It would be perfectly rational for me to ask, "Oh nice, what does he do?" in which case, now you need to come up with a narrative about your fictional boyfriend that you made up for my benefit. Your lie just became a problem because well, we're still having a conversation aren't we? It's not like I'm going to do an about-face and walk in the other direction because you have a boyfriend. Most times conversations aren't that transactional.

 

If you feel the boyfriend slip is bordering on the gratuitous, I think it's amusing to launch into a full blown discussion about their boyfriend. Why not, he's such a great guy. Let's hear all about him!

Edited March 28, 2019 by metalbabble

[AshViper]

First of all, don't get the wrong idea. I am not some incel put off by rejection. I'm going to tell you why "I have a boyfriend" not only doesn't work, but why you should be straightforward with your rejection.

 

1.) Men are competitive. Especially after you hit a certain age, you kind of start to assume that every attractive woman has some sort of 'deal'. It's pretty much a given. So when a confident man hears about another guy, his first instinct is to size up the competition. They are taking you at your word. Where is this guy? How confident is he? How big is he? Is he an earner? Etc.

 

First off as a woman in law enforcement (ex-military at that) let me start by saying I've worked with confident men, extremely confident men, and I think you have confidence confused with arrogance.

 

Personally, after all, I'd see any man who starts hounding a woman about a boyfriend as an arrogant poor 'sportsman/loser'. Nothing to do with confidence. He just arrogantly believes that he is the best she can get. He has little to no respect for the woman or if she may indeed have a boyfriend.

 

If I routinely encountered such an individual (e.g. at work) I would ignore him after such disrespectful/disagreeable behaviour. If he continued I would go to HR/his boss and ensure he understands the concept of harassment even if I have to pull out a dictionary & highlight the definition for him myself.

 

2.) Straight up rejection forces a man to reflect on how he is presenting himself, rather than couching your rejection in a lie that lets him off the hook. Men need this. It's easy to go through life thinking you're just a victim of circumstance. It's much harder to actually look in the mirror.

 

Obviously the downside is that ladies may feel unsafe rejecting some unstable man who may lash out. That's a fair concern. Some tact may be required, just like tact is required when we approach you.

 

When a woman says no it means no. Tact is not required. If a man fails to understand that 'I have a boyfriend' is rejection that is a fault of his own design - either he was poorly brought up, he is arrogant, he has no respect for the woman, etc.

 

As for tactful rejections what is more tactful than saying 'I have a boyfriend' - it is generally understood between men/women to mean not interested & change the subject. More direct rejection is oftentimes hardly tactful, as example, how is 'piss off jerk' tactful?

 

 

It's not definitely better though.. That was kind of the whole point I was trying to make.

 

In fact, I'd argue that there's more to be interpreted by the unsaid (I would but) "...I have a boyfriend" than, (I would but) "...I don't find you attractive".

One can be remedied much quicker than the other. Care to guess which?

 

Not everyone puts merit to looks. Someone who is absolutely stunning can have a wretched personality. So how does one reject that, do they say to the person - look you're an assh*le so piss off?

 

 

So no, it's not understood and no it's not definitely better.. I reject your assumption. Just because something has been widely adopted as a social norm, doesn't mean you have to accept it, and it certainly doesn't make it objectively better.

 

Yes it is indeed understood. As others have said when a woman (or man) says that they have a 'boyfriend' (or girlfriend) that means they are off limits. By not respecting that social norm it means that someone does not respect the person - for all someone knows a woman saying that she 'has a boyfriend' legitimately has a boyfriend so by pestering her about it that person becomes a jerk.

 

 

If you say, "I have a boyfriend" then even if I recognize this as a rejection, I'm still put on the spot to continue the conversation.. It would be perfectly rational for me to ask, "Oh nice, what does he do?" in which case, now you need to come up with a narrative about your fictional boyfriend that you made up for my benefit. Your lie just became a problem because well, we're still having a conversation aren't we? It's not like I'm going to do an about-face and walk in the other direction because you have a boyfriend. Most times conversations aren't that transactional.

 

If you feel the boyfriend slip is bordering on the gratuitous, I think it's amusing to launch into a full blown discussion about their boyfriend. Why not, he's such a great guy. Let's hear all about him!

 

What would you do if a woman who says she has a boyfriend then says hi to the 6'3", 230+lb muscular chap that just stepped out of the gym doors.

 

You seem to think that being told a woman 'has a boyfriend' entitles you to inquire about that boyfriend. It doesn't.

 

In many situations you are typically gonna be a stranger to her. And just as how a mother would frown upon a stranger inquiring about her child - her private life - a woman would frown upon a stranger inquiring another her boyfriend - her private life.

[Wallysbears]

Not a maturity thing, more of a testosterone thing.. especially squaring off against guys in long term relationships, as they tend to become soft and complacent; so if you're single and aggressive and active, you start to see women you're attracted to as competition.. and mismatched couples make for obvious targets.

 

I'm not saying this to defend this form of masculinity, it's more of an FYI. If you're a guy with a hot wife/girlfriend, I'd caution against letting yourself go.

 

And right here? This is why women say things like "go away creep". Because this sort of thinking is creepy.

 

My husband, now that he's in his almost mid 40's has a little grey around the temples and a bit of a belly because I feed him well. If some a**hole thought that meant he stood a better chance of "stealing" me away from my husband...he'd have a few not choice words coming to him and likely a busted face when my husband found out.

 

Women aren't possessions or trophies. And even thinking like they are is toxic. And is a very good reason why we (as women) give flat out lines like "I have a husband/boyfriend" or "go away creep".

 

We don't owe men any explanations. And I suggest you (and other men that think we do) start recognizing that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not a maturity thing, more of a testosterone thing.. especially squaring off against guys in long term relationships, as they tend to become soft and complacent; so if you're single and aggressive and active, you start to see women you're attracted to as competition.. and mismatched couples make for obvious targets.

 

Good advice for MMA fights. (Much) less so for relationships and meeting women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

Ashviper and wallysbears stole my thunder. I am a highly confident guy with a very loyal spouse, but I am also very protective with a strong sense of respect. I know my wife can handle herself as she has turned down many men who have hit on her. I also know if someone has creeped her out by being persistent because she let's me know.

 

It is unwise to persist as you might end up doing this with the wrong person and end up getting hurt, it happens. I've witnessed some women go straight to their boyfriends and point out a guy who just hit on them just to start a fight (in a barroom setting).

 

You could also end up having the police called on you which would probably be an embarrassing experience. Best to be careful these days as you just don't know what could happen by pushing boundaries.

[anika99]

Most people are not comfortable giving negative feedback to a virtual stranger. Telling someone we barely know that they are too short, too bald, too ugly is not at all an appealingly conversation to have with someone. Now why do I have this unpleasant conversation with some stranger who has approached me without invitation. You say it's good for the guy. Well what about what's good for me? Why would I be obligated to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone I never wanted to talk to in the first place? I didn't want him to hit on me but since he has I now have to concern myself with his personal growth? I have to say things I find unpleasant to say because this guy's personal growth is now more important than my discomfort?

 

And if I do decide to give the guy an honest critique can you guarantee that the guy won't turn nasty on me? What if the particular guy I'm talking to didn't want to hear my negative feedback and snaps back with a slew of insults? I'm just supposed to have my day ruined and suck it up because hey, I've given that guy some useful information. Seriously get over yourself. When you hit on a girl who is not interested in you she is automatically in an uncomfortable spot and she has every right to put an end to that in a way that isn't more unpleasant for her.

 

If you want honest feedback about how you are being perceived by the opposite sex then ask friends or someone you trust to tell you the truth. Hire a life coach or something. Don't put that burden on the women you are approaching for dates.

[preraph]

Yeah. If we had National Honesty Day, everyone would stay home and lock themselves in their rooms.