Dumped due to specific reasons, my ex now came back begging

[Smurf1]

Hi everyone,

It's still painful to talk about this, but I need to collect as many advices and experiences as possible from people more mature than me (I'm 22).

 

My 5 years girlfriend left me for another guy 6 months ago.

Even forgetting the betrayal for a moment, when she left me she said stuff like:"I don't think you're attractive to me anymore", "I don't love you anymore", "You're a brother to me".

 

Now she came back begging (I'm dating another girl, but I wish I was as happy as I was in my past relationship, which I'm not).

 

My question is, is it possible to want someone back, even if you left him due to those reasons, or she is just trying to mess me up (she seems to be really sorry and repented and pretty desperate)?

 

Thank you!

[bmh]

Those are all very common things for a cheating woman to say to her partner. Nothing new there. Read a little on the infidelity board. I know you weren’t married but the advice still applies.

 

OP, I say this with kindness, your ex’s new boyfriend wasn’t what she thought it was. Maybe he dumped her, maybe she cheated, he cheated who knows. But the bottom line is, you are her back up plan. It didn’t work out with him so she returns to you. You are a consolation prize. You are getting her by default. She didn’t choose you. But now she’s sorry. Because she’s alone. These are all very hard truths to think about. She doesn’t deserve you.

 

You guys weren’t married. You have to option to choose something different for your life. This will likely be your life if you get married to this woman. A cheater.

[Cersei]

She suddenly realized maybe you just weren't so bad once she put herself out there because she realized the grass ain't greener on the other side.

 

She is ignoring the things she did not like about you because you are comfortable for her. 5 years together will do that.

 

No real advice here but don't be plan b.

[Smurf1]

Those are all very common things for a cheating woman to say to her partner. Nothing new there. Read a little on the infidelity board. I know you weren’t married but the advice still applies.

I see, thank you bmh.

 

What causes me doubts is that she's been trying to get me back for 4 months.

Do you still stand on your point, knowing this info too?

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bmh]

I do. Like the other poster said she sees the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I think if you really want it to work out with this woman going no contact would be benifical for you both to figure out what you really want.

 

She dumped you and within 2 months was trying to get you back, so I feel y’all have been in contact for the majority if not all of the time you have been separated.

 

I am 32, I’ve had 2 serious boyfriends cheat. And everytime, I took them back because I loved them and I wanted it to work. Having said that, it was the stupidest thing I could have done. Then they just saw that they could get away with it. I wish I had had someone telling me what I’m telling you. Instead I had my well meaning friends saying things like “I’m sure he learned his lesson” “it’s your life only you can decide” and such. No one, including myself looked at it from a logical standpoint.

 

I know that there are plenty of people who reconcile with exes after cheating, even spouses. But I really think this “limbo” y’all are in is making it harder to make a decision. You both would be jumping from one relationship to another then back to the prior. It would take a lot of work on both ends to make this relationship work.

 

Have you discussed her “excuses” for cheating? She will blame it on you likely, don’t believe that.

[Smurf1]

 

Have you discussed her “excuses” for cheating? She will blame it on you likely, don’t believe that.

Yes, we discussed her excuses more than once, it was surprising to me listening to her blaming no one but herself; but I still don't know how you could say someone he's not attractive anymore, and then change your mind

Based on what I can see right now, it seems she's more mature, and it causes a lot of confusion.

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bmh]

I find it hard to believe that anyone matured/changed in 6 months

 

. When women cheat (most of them) it’s looking for a replacement “partner.” Her attachments she had to you, went to him. That’s why she lost attraction for you.

 

Is she still with this guy? She realizes that it isn’t going to work out with him, the “limerence” is fading, and now wants to come back.

 

It’s your move OP. But, if you decide to work it out with her and want to marry her some day I suggest counseling.

[Smurf1]

I find that hard to believe too, I mean, 6 months is a short time to change deeply.

 

Otherwise, she left her rebound in November, 2018, and in my humble opinion 4 months are enough to deeply figure out your mistakes and choices.

 

Then yes, it's my move, I guess I need time, since another girl is involved, and i don't want to hurt her.

[bmh]

I would end it with her as soon as possible with no false hope for the future. But I would advise you not run into the waiting arms of your ex. Best of luck to you. Keep us updated!

[Sunlight72]

OP, you said to set aside the betrayal for the moment, so I am doing that.

 

It is 100% possible (in fact, quite likely) that your attitude and interactions with your ex caused her to lose the feeling of attraction for you. The way you acted around her are most likely what made you feel like a brother to her.

 

This means that

1) She could still find you attractive and a good partner for her, yes. It could well be that she couldn't put her finger on why you and she felt more like buddies than romantic partners, but she appreciates your good qualities and certainly could become romantically happy with you again. I don't see a reason from what you've written to believe she is messing with you. I think she wants to be an honest partner, and be back together with you in a forthright way. Watch out though, I am an optimist.

 

b) You can greatly influence and make your relationship with her better than it was the last year(s) you were together if you want to work on your behavior / what kind of treatment from her you will accept - if you decide to get back together.

 

also) what I'm saying is that yes, she is still the same woman who left you for another man, and she could choose to do that again, but it is also in some part (probably in large part) your responsibility for the dynamic of your relationship with her turning to oatmeal. From what you have written (and, as you asked, putting aside the betrayal for now) I think you could build a good relationship with her, but you will need to change your own behavior a bit if you are going to do better than before.

 

If you want to understand or verify what you may have done to turn her off and confuse her about her feelings toward you, I highly recommend searching for Dan Bacon on Youtube, and/or reading The Way of The Superior Man (a book).

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

 

P. S. I would strongly suggest you to look at the youtube and book I noted before you decide to give your ex another chance or not. They could be hugely helpful with any relationship you choose to be in. You don't want the current (or a different, future) girl to leave you for the same reason your ex left you.

Edited March 29, 2019 by Sunlight72

[marky00]

I see, thank you bmh.

 

What causes me doubts is that she's been trying to get me back for 4 months.

Do you still stand on your point, knowing this info too?

 

I have had an ex making somewhat of an effort for 3 years. Started it out as bread crumbs but the contact definitely got juicier as time went on. I only responded once about 6 months into NC saying something like "what is is you want to say?" and of course got no reply.

 

Like your Ex, mine obviously still felt connected on some level and rightfully so after us knowing each other for 10 years. I sometimes feel a bit crap for not replying to maybe 25 text messages over the last 2.5 years. But after the way she ended it and yes she went to someone else, I just couldn't risk being disrespected again.

 

You and I will never know for sure what their intentions are but the fact you are here asking (as I was) is pretty telling. If your gut feeling was that she was legit, you probably wouldn't be here asking. Since you have already had one breakup, starting another relationship with that uncertainty over your head is just something that must be addressed but that is unlikely to happen.

 

I do acknowledge that we can't expect a dumper to fall on their sword, they need to protect their emotional health as well. But having now experienced a really rough breakup, I now know the wall a dumpee puts up and that is something the dumper must attempt to jump over if there is really any hope. I think this is why reconciliations are so rare. No one wants to jump a wall so early in a relationship, especially not a dumper who left for possibly reasons they can justify. But jumping that wall is what they must do, so in the end the reconciliation just isn't going to happen in most cases.

 

This doesn't mean the dumpee can bring the same old version of themselves to the relationship. Absolutely not. However, the changed version can be presented once the dumper has made it clear they respect the dumpee and are open to something developing. And to be honest that should be pretty easy because I think every dumpee learns a hard lesson and change as a result..

Edited March 30, 2019 by marky00

[brokenblade]

My question is, is it possible to want someone back, even if you left him due to those reasons, or she is just trying to mess me up (she seems to be really sorry and repented and pretty desperate)?

 

Here's how I look at it. She has been fooling around on you with this guy she has left you for. She told you she was not attracted to you and said you were like a brother (no coming back from that), you're trying to move forward with something and now she's coming back.

 

Now, she seems like (from your OP, I haven't read any later posts) someone who might not be trustworthy when it comes to relationships. She saw something that bedazzled her and made her think the grass was greener and she went for it. For one reason or another, it didn't work for her the way she hoped.

 

I wouldn't trust her because she may pull this crap again no matter how convincing she seems to be. I'd probably continue dating who you're dating right now, or not. But I wouldn't so easily take old GF back because she had you before and she blew it (going by the OP).

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[brokenblade]

Yes, we discussed her excuses more than once, it was surprising to me listening to her blaming no one but herself; but I still don't know how you could say someone he's not attractive anymore, and then change your mind

Based on what I can see right now, it seems she's more mature, and it causes a lot of confusion.

 

Yeah, don't fall for it. I find it very unlikely that someone would mature that much in a matter of months. People put on acts. You take her back, she will turn back to her old ways or worse until you finally walk away for good.

[Buckeye2]

when she left me she said stuff like:"I don't think you're attractive to me anymore", "I don't love you anymore", "You're a brother to me".

 

She was telling the truth. Being “like a brother” means that you’re the nice stable family type guy she wants to settle down with. You see it all the time.

 

Good marriage with kids and the wife truly loves her husband and never intends to leave him. But it’s “like a brother.” He’s dependable to the “in sickness and in heath” level. That’s who you want to grow old with.

 

But it’s not hot. Some guy at works starts flirting with her and she feels like a sexual woman again instead of a wife and mother, So she starts an affair with a division of labor. Husband for family and security and OM for fun.

[preraph]

OP, you also need to be aware that a lot of exes suddenly reappear once their ex starts dating again, men and women alike. It's a case of "doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you." It's fairly common and is just a knee-jerk reaction out of habit. Most of us would rather our exes just went on to a monestary to live our their miserable lives, you know....not fun seeing them happy.

 

So my advice is is you are happy now, don't go back. She lost her attraction to you and usually when that happens, it does not come back. She may stay just long enough to make her presence known to your new date or dates and mess that up real good and then move along.

 

Also, you're 22. Relationships at this age normally do not last because there is still maturing going on on both sides and people grow apart. Don't let her mess up your social life here that you've rebuilt.

[Robert]

the thread starter seems to have disappeared, if they come back and want the thread reopened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who gave the thread starter your great advice.