Back with the Ex!!!! But...............

[simon_uk]

Ok so last Thursday morning the day after my birthday my ex called me at 6AM. She said she wanted to talk and she wanted me to cuddle her. So we talked for about 30 mins and then she asked me to come over. She was drunk I could tell but what she had to say made so much sense.

 

She talked about our problems and where WE went wrong and I was amazed that she didnt put all of the blame on me. She did point out my faults but also pointed out her own faults too.

 

So I drive over to her house at 7AM and call her on the way but she doesnt answer the phone, so I presume she has fallen asleep. when I get there I see her friend just leaving so I tell her friend what is happening. The friend goes back in the house and asks if she wants to see me, she says of course. SO in I go. We just hold each other and kiss and talk and talk and talk. I stay with her all day and end up staying the night.

 

I spend all of the next day with her and things are great but obviously I feel a little or should that be very emotional. We talk some more and then I leave her about 6PM as she has to go to her parents. At 3AM Saturday morning, she calls me again and says she wants me to go back. So I do and we spend all night making love and it is absolutley amazing, I have never felt anything quite like it, she agrees, we tell each other we love each other and she says she never stopped loving me but we just couldnt go on the way we were. So we spend all Saturday together, she comes back to my house and I have to go out for the evening (an event already planned) but I can tell you I didn't want to go, I was scared of her not being there when I got back, she was though! Again we make love and again it is amazing, we tell each other that we love each other. Sunday night, she stays at my place, Monday we go back to hers and Monday night I stay there. Lots more love making and emotional talks.

 

We are back together! So whats the problem? Well, my ex had a lot of issues before we split up (as did I) and she was very, very co-dependent. She was in a way obsessed with me and very needy and clingy. She is now at a place where she is happy and content in her life, she is happy with who she is and what she has. She had been in a relationship when we were apart, which although not too serious it obviously had an impact on her. However this guy was very controlling and hurt her physically on more than one occasion. She realised what a bad person he was for her and to her and she got rid of him. She went through a lot, more than I care to say here really but ultimately it caused her to leave him.

 

We have talked a lot and she says she wants us to try again but she needs me to be in a place like her. We have identified our problems that caused us to split last time but she says there is still no guarantee that things will work out even though we both want them to. So she says she wants us both to be strong and mature about it if things dont work out. The last thing she wants to happen is for me to get hurt again.

 

Now obviously I have a lot of emotions and feelings that have built up over the last 5 months and I am struggling not to let it all burst out. I have shared my thoughts with her and she understands but I am still scared of being needy and clingy. I am analysing things way too much and being over sensitive to little things. She has said she wants to take us both away to Mexico in the next couple of weeks and she has talked about things in the future, for example, yesterday we went shopping because she said I needed things for her place, like razors and aftershave etc. She has also mentioned things about her house and my house in an 'us' capacity. She has told me she loves me and never stopped loving me for the five months we were apart and we have walked around the supermarkets hand in hand, like we have never been apart. She went to her parents last Friday and she told her family, aunt, uncle, grandma, mum etc that we were giving it another go and everybody seemed pleased as they all liked me. They obviously told her to be careful, but she told them so she must be serious. So why am I so worried?

 

Well, for one last Wednesday was my birthday and I was absolutely devestated that I didnt hear from her, I have spent the last five months trying to deny my feelings for her and then all of a sudden, I am with her for 5 days continuosly. It is just such a huge shock and hard for me to believe.

 

I sent her a text message last night after I left her and signed off, 'Love Ya' her reply was something along the lines of 'Just thinking about you wondering if you got home ok' so I reply and say 'yes I did, have had a really good time with you, going to book my counsellor tomorrow' she replies 'I am glad' so I say 'Ok well speak to you tomorrow' and she says 'k, I am trying to get to sleep anyway'

 

So heres me being the worrier that I am thinking, why didnt she say 'love ya' back to me, why didnt she say 'I had a great time too' etc etc. I am reading way to much into things and expecting her to say things I want her to say. I know that is my problem not hers but it is just causing me to worry. I am not looking at the big picture and thinking, well she told me she loves me, she told me she wants us to be together, she has discussed the future like we will be together but I am concentrating on little things that she hasn't said whn I expected ehr to. I am having a hrad time believing that one minute I am pining for her and the next minute we are together and making love. I am having a hard time believing she loves me. I am having a hard time thinking that I will not see her again or that she will chaneg her mind. I am scared of playing it cool because that was one of my problems the first time around, not being affectionate or attentive but I am also scared of being overbearing and too clingy and needy.

 

I would really value some input because I really dont know how to act, what to say, what not to say etc etc. I really dont want to blow things before they begin but I just dont know how. She understands I am emotional but I need to sort myself out. I have booked another session with my counsellor but it is not until Friday so until then I am on my own.

 

Thank You

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hi Simon,

 

Congratulations and everything. Sounds like things are working out.

 

But you're right to worry about being clingy. It sounds to me like you're overdoing it big time. Pace yourself. Do other things with other people. Don't rush round every time she calls. Don't stay late every time. Take the relationship slowly. And don't go into the lovey-dovey language straight away - this should be in a couple of months time at the earliest.

[pippen_2k]

Yeah thats what I was gonna say...

 

Go back to like you just met her..... When you start dating people you go slow..only see each other a few times a week... the last thing u guys wanna do is smother each other and give each other no space. Also dont shut out your mates.... dont neglect them now especially if they were there for you during the break up!

 

Just curious.. how long ago did she break up with her last boyfriend?

 

Hope all goes well Simon!

[chad]

hi simon, ive read many of your posts, and im really pleased to see you are getting somewhere. im still in the stage of feeling very sick at the thought of my ex with another man. :s

 

how did you manage to cope with that thought, and still want her back? although in my heart i love my ex more than life itself, the thought of her with another man, is tearing me up inside.

 

was it a time based issue? ie, did u find out about it, then get over it in time ? or ?

 

i would have pmd you, but it aint working

[simon_uk]

Thanks for the replies. I dont know when she broke up with him, she hasn't said and to be honest I am trying not to discuss him too much. I told her I understand that she was with somebody, I mean why shouldn't she be, we weren't together but it still hurts like hell.

 

Chad

 

I never knew she was with somebody else until after we got back together. If I had known it would have tore me up too. The only reason I found out is because one of her friends introduced himself and asked me if I was so and so. We have discussed ot since and yes although it does hurt, what I have to remember is that we were not together, I have no control over her and basically it is non of my business. I am glad that she enjoyed herself and that she didnt stagnate.

 

In all fairness I think it probably helped because she is not with him now, she is with me and thats all that matters as far as I am concerned.

 

Dont worry Chad, I have spent the past five months being upset and worrying and she still came back. I could have spent that five months enjoying myself a lot more and she would ahve still called. Please try to make the most of your life, together or apart because if you are meant to be together, you will be.

 

Simon

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are at a fragile time - you must remember that the 'first chance' is over. Done. Gone. You have the lessons you learned from it, and that is all you need to take from that situation. If you try to turn this 'second chance' into a clone of the 'first chance', the relationship will end. Don't expect her to do things just the way she 'used to', and don't overanalyze her reactions to things you say and do - just accept them as part of this new relationship, and be glad for the moments you share together.

 

For your own self-preservation you will absolutely have to prevent yourself from pinning all your hopes on a future with her. She ran from a bad situation with an abusive guy, and you don't know yet if she is running from something and is looking for security, or if she genuinely and truly wants to be with you. There is no way to tell right now what it is she is doing. It is imperative that you keep this in the back of your mind - you have no reason WHATSOEVER to trust her motivations right now. You and she have to rebuild that trust again together.

 

So she says she wants us both to be strong and mature about it if things dont work out. The last thing she wants to happen is for me to get hurt again.

 

...she says there is still no guarantee that things will work out even though we both want them to. She is now at a place where she is happy and content in her life, she is happy with who she is and what she has.

 

Please, please, please pay very close attention to this. She is giving you a very clear warning. From your posts, she has a way of sucking you down to her place, and there is no way that she was able to go from the way you posted about her in your early posts, co-dependent and in an abusive relationship to 'happy and content' in just five months.

 

I'm not saying that your second chance is doomed, but if you fail to watch out for caution signs you will end up crashing hard on this one. This time around, pay attention to those signs.

[alphamale]

you are feeling uneasy for a good reason SIMON_UK...my suggestion is you agree to be with her partially but also date other women, i.e. not be exclusive. And then down the road if things work out with her you can get back togehter after a period of time...

 

Right now she has the upper hand and the control and you are coming off too desperate... if she does not have to do much work to have you back then your value will be zero.

 

good luck

alpha

[chris1063]

Hi Simon

 

As you know from my previous posts I had a feeling that this would happen at some point.

She was testing the water for sometime to see if you were available and willing without a doubt.

 

Anyways i'm really happy for you but I would agree with some of the other advice you've had about learning from past mistakes and pinning all your hopes on this.

 

Go one day at a time and all the best to you

 

Chris

[georgiagirl76]

First of all congrats! I know that you are feeling tons of emotions from elation to fear to confusion. You have the right to overanalyze but as all the other posters have warned be careful. Take the time to take care of you and don't allow her to become the center of your world. Remember how devastated you were when you weren't together. You don't want to begin to undo all the work on you that you were able to achieve when she was gone. I don't want you to focus on the negative but it is also important that you keep yourself in a place where you can be happy if this second time doesn't work out. We sometimes fail to remember the pain or loss once we either get back or begin a new relationship and we end up repeating our same behaviroal mistakes. You have a unique opportunity here not just for your relationship but for your personal growth. Hang in there- I can only hope that my situation will end up the same.

[sanne]

it's going to be impossible for simon to not be pinning all his hopes on this girl. he's spent the last 5 months or so waiting for her to come back to him.

 

i urge you simon to listen to us all here, you need to take things as slowly as possible. during that 5 months apart I'm sure you learned how to be independent and on your own. don't forget the lessons you learned while you two were apart. this girl sounds like she could drop you again in an instant so i would advise you to protect your heart and be sure of her intentions before you let her back into your life.

[dr strangelove]

You know what..

 

I watched your posts, and she would text you or call you, I knew something would happen. I thought maybe she is waiting for you to do it.

 

Why do you think she was calling you all those times??

 

At least you got her back, I dont think I'll ever see my ex again.

In any case so what if she gets clingy..etc. Deal with it. Ask yourself was I happy without her? No you werent obviously..

 

Now the other thing.. back off a little, maybe im never in this mess like the rest of you guys re ex leaving you for someone else.. cause im busy.. even if im not busy I need my time alone.

Just take things slow.. let it flow

[simon_uk]

Thanks everybody

 

dr Strangelove

 

I am not worried about her getting clingy, I am worried about ME getting clingy.

 

Simon

[dr strangelove]

Her clinginess will come trust me...

 

Ok so all this time, you played your cards well and now you dont think you can.. why is that?

[dr strangelove]

Another thing simon, take time out from this site. Sometimes advice on here can muddle up your budding reunited relationship. She may do things that u are ok with but others dont see as good.

 

Ultimately if you feel a certain way you should find the right time to talk about it to her, or just chill out and see how it goes. But theres nothing wrong with being romantic... but theres a difference between clingy needy and romantic..

[simon_uk]

Perhaps I did play my cards well, I dont know? What I do know is that right now I am having a hard time mentally and emotionally finding the middle ground between being too clingy and too cool.

 

One of the problems I had nefore was showing affection and being attentive. SO now I have to show those feelings but not too much so as not to be overbearing.

 

I am also feeling a little bit of jealousy which isnt good. For example last night she said she was going out with her sister to give her some support with her new collge friends. She said I dont want to be out too late, I dont really want to go, so will you give me a call on my sisters mobile about 11PM so I can get away. So I say ok, no problem. It gets to 11PM and I give her a call, no answer, so I leave it 10 minutes and call again, still no answer. So I send a text saying, "its Simon, I tried to call but no answer", I get a message back from her sister saying "I am in bed, I left her in town, she hasn't got her phone but she said she wasnt going to be late"

 

So I go off to bed and dont hear from her until 5AM, she rang my phone once but hung up, so I just left it. Now I now she goes out quite a lot and when she does drink, she can keep going, but I just find it strange that she can stay out until that time on her own. I mean she does know a lot of people in town and if she had any intention of being promiscuous then she would have done it before we were back together and she didnt as far as I know. It really isnt her scene but I cant help feeling a little jealous and upset over it. But I suppose it is her life, that is what she has done for the time we were apart and I guess I cant say, stop doing it, not at this point in our relationship anyway.

[dr strangelove]

My ex went out and partied too... One fateful night it was a saturday she called.. I want to see you.. Im like ok sure. Then she phoned again.. I want to see you so bad.. im like ok im waiting but I have to sleep soon..

Sometimes I go to this flea market 5 am on sunday, she kept calling.. Im like I gotta go. Then I get this call about 8 or 9 am.. "Im so drunk I feel sick, I want to come see you.. I want you to take care of me.." Im like I dont know about that and my cell was close to dying and I was getting ticked off at her.. then I had to call on a pay phone and one of friends answered and caled me a dick and hung up.. Ill tell you if I ever find that guy or figure out, he has a knuckle sandwich waiting for him.. LOL

 

In any case she was pissed off etc etc.. in fact sometimes I even wonder why I have any feelings for her or even have hopes of seeing her again.. Love maybe?

 

Anyways I knew she wasnt cheating on me, and actually I have to say when we first were seeing each other again, I did meet and chat with other women. I didnt really call her I let her call me..

 

If you are finding this whole thing overwhelming Id just take some time out from it man.. She will call.. let her chase you ok? I dont see you doing anything wrong, so its not like you have to compensate for something u did or are doing.

[simon_uk]

So last time we were together right, she had this book called 'The Rules' I am sure you have heard of it? but she never used it on me and she said thats why I got so cocky and took her for granted. So just before I called her and said, "Hey, what you doing tonight? have you got any plans?" and she says "yeah I have why?" so I say, "well I was just going to ask if you fancied some dinner" so she says "well I really am busy and I am also busy tomorrow but you cant just ring me up and ask me for dinner that evening, I am a busy girl you know and I am not just sitting around wondering where you are like I used to, I am a rules girl and you have to do things right, in fact if you want to see me on the weekend, you are supposed to ask me no later than Wednesday. You also need to make plans for the next date when we are together" So I am like, yeah ok, well it is hard for me to know whats what. She tells me not to be sad and call her later.

 

So we get off the phone and I text her say "it is hard for me because I want to do things right, i am not the same person you know. YOu are extra special but so am I.

 

She replies and says

 

I Know x

 

I dont know which bit the I Know was in response to. so anyway, confused.......................just ordered a copy of that stupid frigging book!

[LucreziaBorgia]

She said I dont want to be out too late, I dont really want to go, so will you give me a call on my sisters mobile about 11PM so I can get away. So I say ok, no problem. It gets to 11PM and I give her a call, no answer, so I leave it 10 minutes and call again, still no answer.

 

So I go off to bed and dont hear from her until 5AM, she rang my phone once but hung up, so I just left it. Now I now she goes out quite a lot and when she does drink, she can keep going, but I just find it strange that she can stay out until that time on her own. I mean she does know a lot of people in town and if she had any intention of being promiscuous then she would have done it before we were back together and she didnt as far as I know. It really isnt her scene but I cant help feeling a little jealous and upset over it. But I suppose it is her life, that is what she has done for the time we were apart and I guess I cant say, stop doing it, not at this point in our relationship anyway.

 

She mislead you, and was inconsiderate to you. You are fooling yourself if you think she was 100% innocent out there drinking with her 'friends'. From the sound of your past posts, she knows what she can get away with when it comes to you - it is clear that you are willing to believe the best about her when she gives you no good reason through her actions to believe her. She knows this and continues to take advantage of that. Go look at your past posts. Is this second chance really any different, or is she just feeding you new lines? Her actions spoke far louder than her words in this case and because you let her get away with it, she will continue to put you through this - even during this 'second chance'.

 

If you refuse to stand up for yourself at this point, then your relationship is already doomed and it is only a matter of time before you both implode and revert back to what blew you apart to begin with. It always starts with something like this - something that you can fool yourself into thinking is "no big deal" and you make justifications in the amount equal to the desperation that you have to be back in the relationship. This is where it is starting - if you justify this, and allow it to 'pass' then it will only get worse from here.

 

Step back, way way back. Your heart is already in danger and if you don't pull back from this now, you will be horribly crushed. Stand up for yourself. Tell her that what she did was inconsiderate and that you are understandably concerned if this is how your 'second chance' is going to start.

 

Your g/f needs to get her nose out of those ridiculous books, grow the f*ck up and work on this relationship like an adult if she wants to be with you. She won't do that, if you allow her to keep doing things the way that she is though.

[simon_uk]

I am not sure Lucrezia, fi she wants to go out and stay out late who am I to say that she shouldn't? If her night is going well and her sister decides to go home, why shouldn't she stay out with the other people? Perhaps she should have sent me a message to say dont bother calling, I am staying out?

 

But if we are starting this relationship from fresh then it really is not my place to say who she goes out with, where to and for how long. It never was and it never will be.

 

I agree with you about the stupid books though. She is under the impression that our relationship went wrong last time because she did not apply these rules and i didnt have to chase her. She was far too accessible to me and I took it for granted.

 

You are also right that at the moment I am wanting this relationship to work but does that mean accepting any kind of treatment? No of course not. I just dont think she has done anything that any new partner wouldn't do. I could be wrong and I could be setting myself up for a world of pain. Who knows?

[LucreziaBorgia]

fi she wants to go out and stay out late who am I to say that she shouldn't? If her night is going well and her sister decides to go home, why shouldn't she stay out with the other people? Perhaps she should have sent me a message to say dont bother calling, I am staying out?

 

Its not about that Simon. Its about building trust in this new relationship. If you want someone to trust you, you don't set up contact for a certain time and then blow them off six hours later after a night on the town (which she no doubt deliberately mislead you about wanting to do so that you would not assume the worst about her motivations) with nothing but a hangup call.

 

You are right - you have no say over what she does on her own time, but you do have a say over what she does that directly affects you. All she had to do was call you at 11 and say "I'm going to be out later than I thought, I'll talk to you tomorrow". She didn't. Instead, she simply blew you off for six hours - knowing that you were trying to contact her and didn't even have the decency to acknowledge that. Being out with other people isn't the part you need to stand up for yourself for. Her being inconsiderate and misleading IS.

 

I could be setting myself up for a world of pain. Who knows?

 

I'll shoot you a serious warning... if you let stuff like this go, she will walk all over you just like she has done time and again and just like you have let her do. You want a new relationship? Then act like it. She isn't offering anything but the same old, same old. In your old relationship you were never able to stand up to her for what you wanted and needed. Time to start standing up for yourself and not letting stuff like this slide. Otherwise you'll slide right down under her feet where she had you before. Not a good way to start over, wouldn't you say?

 

I just dont think she has done anything that any new partner wouldn't do.

 

You aren't in a new relationship. You are in a new second chance relationship with someone whose patterns of behavior you know. If you recognize a pattern, and ignore it or justify it - then your second chance is over, because you are basically allowing it to become a clone of the first chance by enabling all the negative patterns that ended your relationship to begin with. Stop these pattern behaviors in their tracks - even your own! That is the only way this second chance will work.

 

And if she thinks that "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" is how your relationship should go, then perhaps you should pick up a copy and read it very carefully so that you can at least see what sort of person she wants to change you into to suit her own needs. If that is not who you are, then tell her to date the damn books and leave you alone.

[alphamale]

You want a new relationship? Then act like it. She isn't offering anything but the same old, same old. In your old relationship you were never able to stand up to her for what you wanted and needed.

Once any relationship is set in a certain behaviour pattern it is very very hard to change. SIMON_UK may be able to change it for a short while but eventually it will revert back to what it was....a miserable, humiliating and emasculating experience for him.

 

I suggest strongly that he stay away from her.

[Hotdiggitydammit]

Hey Lucrezia you need to make a book! If I would have listened to your advice in the first place, I wouldn't be hurting so much. But then again, I am happy I didnt,

 

Simon you should listen to her and tell her this:

 

"She needs to get her nose out those ridiculous books" .

 

Also, you should tell her that you are not going to fall prey to her just because she is lonely. You also want to make it clear that things are not just going to go back fine and dandy if she does return. Don't make the mistake of just jumping right back together. You should take it slowly and try to learn about one another again. It was weird because one day I was sitting at my computer and I realized we never asked each other what was our most embarassing moment. It was bittersweet knowing that there is still so much I want to know about her. Anyway. If she left you and comes back, then make sure that you have given yourself enough time. I had always thought that I couldn't wait, but I know I really want to be involved with activities during my self awareness period because I dont want to short change myself. Later if she does come back, I can slowly include her. Although I am scared of the uncertainties, I like having my space too. If she is the one for you, then she will come back.

[ReluctantRomeo]

And if she thinks that "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" is how your relationship should go, then perhaps you should pick up a copy and read it very carefully so that you can at least see what sort of person she wants to change you into to suit her own needs.

 

As the French say: "so you can see what sauce you'll be eaten with"

[pippen_2k]

Simon.... If you wernt so blinded by love you would see exacyly where this is heading... Im just shaking my head dude cause your about to get BURNT!

 

Nothing has changed since last time.. Still needy, sittin at home worrying whilst she is out havin a good time.. Its not only your fault, cause she lead you on too.

 

I know these comments mean nothing, but please look after yourself. I dont want you hear posting about how bad things are for another 6 months.

 

Good Luck

[dr strangelove]

hey simon

 

Thats kind of BS

 

Romance should be spontanous and flowing, if your ex expects everything to go by some book written by some Cow, I think your headed for trouble.

 

And thats when I think relationships go awry, when theres outside influence...

I dont know what to suggest my friend. Personally when women get all weird on me... well like the pther day some gilr told me "Possibly we could meet" so I said well "possibly I might agree to that" and every sentence I wrote after that I added possibly into..until she saw that she was being a bit of cow.. and she loosened up. Thats the way your ex is being right now a cow, and she is playing games.

 

If I was you I tell her im going take that Rules book of hers and spank her with for being naughty girl and not picking up the phone. I doubt she would expect anything like that out of your mouth...