I've become so lonely and desperate for company

[Realitysux]

I have no friends in my town and I find myself so desperate that I am posting ads all over on different sites. Conversations don't last more then one day! I was talking to a few people and it felt great but right now there is no one left to meet. Does anyone have any suggestions? You know when people are ignored, I feel ignored and it hurts. What is it about me that is so invisible and why do people dislike me so much?

Edited March 27, 2019 by Realitysux

[Happy Lemming]

It can be hard to maintain friendships. Everyone is so busy, nowadays... rushing around, etc.

 

Do you like any hobbies or sports??

 

Do you like any of the local sports teams?? Baseball ==> March 28th is opening day. It is certainly easier to bond with another human if you have something in common with them.

[Realitysux]

I do have hobbies but my work schedule and schedule with my teenager makes it hard to do them more then every once in a while. I suppose I could lean more towards hobbies but what do I do about the loneliness? I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.

[Happy Lemming]

I suppose I could lean more towards hobbies but what do I do about the loneliness? I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.

 

Is your hobby something you could take a class in?? or is there a local club for this hobby?? Thus you meet some like minded individuals. For example, my girlfriend enjoys doing art. She mostly likes pastels & chalks. Recently, she took an art class to meet some other people who also paint and chalk.

[mark clemson]

Along the lines of HL's suggestions, some add'l things you might try include clubs or interest groups, church groups, local musicians or choirs or similar, volunteering at a school or for a charity, local theatre or drama club, library or really anything along those lines.

 

If there is a college anywhere near you, you could volunteer to teach English to international students - they often really appreciate opportunities to practice their English speaking. I'm not big on senior centers, but I'm sure they'd appreciate your presence if you're ok with that.

 

You could also possibly do the English thing at a high school or some other volunteering there or even volunteer to read with kids at an elementary school. You could also look into teaching an adult ed class.

 

My guess is that this is in part an identity issue. You can think of identity (a thumbnail sketch) as partly you internally but also partly how the internal you fits into available social roles. Making yourself of use to others in a way that you both you and they value should go a long way towards helping you feel better. You could even contribute to an online message board or similar if you ever get bored.

[Realitysux]

Thank you for responding

[Senorheartbreak]

Sorry to hear that. Loneliness can be crippling. But firstly you arent alone. You have you. Try picking up some hobbies that you yourself can do, e.g. gym, photography, reading, writing etc.

 

If you're studying and working, your uni or workplace may have social groups that you can go to to meet people and also just events like food or drink socials. I cant think of any off the top of my head but i know there are apps that let you make friends as well, and also apps for social activities like running, hiking, reading etc.

 

You could also try checking google and Facebook in your area which will throw up some social groups nearby that share your interests. Also if you check local papers community events are also a fantastic way to make friends and keep in touch with people.

 

Hope this helps.

[d0nnivain]

Join something. Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about: rescuing animals, raising money to fight a disease, securing funding for the arts, protesting, getting involved in a political campaign (heaven knows the world needs to be changed). Join a civic group: the Elks, the Moose, the Lions, the Kiwanis, the volunteer fire department. All of the above will be grateful for any time you can give. You will become more connected to those around you when you are of service to others & the loneliness will ease.

[Wallysbears]

Any local Meetup groups? Or PTA type organizations revolving around your teenager? A parent group for maybe a sport or organization?

[preraph]

You join some kind of team, softball or bowling or kayaking, hiking and you make time for it and get to know people gradually. It's not like when you're a teenager and kids just started up fast and were fast friends. Adults are busy like you and a lot less likely to just jump in and have their own family and friends they are likely already not devoting enough time to, quite honestly. So you have to join something you can just be around them long enough to make make a casual friend.

 

 

The other option is take a part-time fun weekend job in retail or anywhere that has lots of people working there, waitressing, retail, and you'll meet other employees.

[Senorheartbreak]

Also to add to this most cities will have classes for cooking or painting or yoga or computers etc. Maybe look for something that appeals to you. Beginners classes are great ways to make friends.

 

Theres also game nights and bingo nights in a lot of towns depending on where you live.

 

You may not make a tonne of friends on the first day, if any. But its small steps.

 

Also pets make good companions and people feel less lonely around them, they have been proven to lower anxiety. But please be responsible if buying/adopting a pet as it is a long term thing.

[Realitysux]

Reading all of the posts on here about married men, heartache, etc. does make me appreciate being single. Thank you everyone for the advice and I hope you will check in on my next update when I try some of these out!

[Beachead]

@Realitysux

 

I know how you feel my friend. Socializing and finding friends whom actually stick today is hard work..especially when you're an adult. It's not you. It's the environment. The world functions so much more quickly than it used to. People have to work much harder. They have to relocate and be on the move. They have to then return to school to upgrade or to update their credentials to remain competitive. Our bosses suck. We're underpaid, overworked. Work isn't for life anymore so stability is threatened. It's a constant go-go-go mentality and we're exhausted. And after the work day is done, we have to come home with enough energy for family, friends etc. People don't have the time or energy anymore and out of it, online dating and social media arose to simplify the effort it required to socialize and meet people. Problem is, it is inorganic and unnatural and now most people use it to just satisfy basic social obligations. If you're trying to date, believe me, as a guy I know how disadvantaged we are on online platforms. And just in general, because we are just instant message away, we're always available so the threat of losing eachother is gone and makes people take eachother for granted.

 

All of this contributes to the way we interact and there's plenty more factors that I am sure is contributing to it. What you're feeling is feedback for something that's really screwed up out there. It's not your fault. It's not you. I want you to know that.

 

But since there isn't much we can do about it single handedly, we have to adapt and use the tools that are given to us to help us meet people. I think many of the suggestions on here are great ones and honestly..I may consider taking them up myself as I feel as you do.

 

Stay strong man. I don't post much these days but I do hop on the Coping thread which I've seen you post on. I'll check your thread out time to time to see if you're okay.

 

- Beach

[LuckyM]

Maybe the OP doesn't want to rush out to meet others and join clubs. That can also be disappointing at times. If you are depressed and if it does not work then you could feel worse, frustrated. Don't expect singles in classes, say, to be friendly and outgoing.

 

Staying in all the time is no solution either, so plan your outings cautiously. I find that the longer I must drive or travel, the more the event must be justified and worthwhile.

 

As a last resort, some people begin their own clubs or groups. Let them come to you.

[vla1120]

My whole story is long and complicated. Long story short, I was married for 32 years, divorced, after six months (much loneliness in that time), I met and shortly thereafter married my second husband. He turned out to be controlling and emotionally abusive. I left him and now live with my two grown daughters. I only see them in passing as they have their own lives, so I am alone a lot. To combat the loneliness, I took a second job to fill my time.

 

I have always considered myself very independent. I need my alone time and do not depend on anyone for anything. So why did I feel so lonely? I know we are social creatures and that is part of it, but I also believe we need to be comfortable in our own skin in order to be okay with being alone.

 

It has now been almost 11 months since I left my husband. I still get lonely, BUT, I also like the freedom of being completely independent. I don't have to report to anyone about my whereabouts, how to spend my money, how to live my life, etc. I am completely FREE to live as I wish. That trumps the loneliness every time.