Dealing With The Loneliness

[Gkyhdjr]

Hello to all! A brief rundown, I’m 19 years old and female, from the US (Utah) and my fiancé is 22 years old and male, and from the UK. A little over 5,000 miles apart. I’ve met him about five times in person, each time usually for almost three weeks (which, don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly grateful for. I have seen couples who can only see their significant other once every few years. I am grateful that I have been able to see mine so much).

 

Each time we part, the loneliness gets worse and worse and lasts longer and longer. I’m not a person who is easy to cry, but being apart from him makes me so emotional and heartbroken, to the point where I feel like every day I could just burst into tears. Usually, the loneliness starts to get a little better about a week after we’ve parted, as I settle back into life and school and work. But it’s been almost two weeks, and I still feel as miserable as the day I left him to come back home. Nights are especially the worst, but even through the whole day I just feel empty and sad.

 

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this....? It’s seriously interfering with my life this time around. I feel no motivation to go to school or work, just because of how bad the loneliness is. I would appreciate any help that can be given.

Edited March 27, 2019 by Gkyhdjr

[ExpatInItaly]

How often do you communicate with each other when apart?

 

How's your social life?

 

You say you're engaged, so are you also in the midst of trying to plan a wedding?

[BaileyB]

Well, I will say that my boyfriend and I live about five minutes away, but we sometimes go for days without seeing each other when he has his son. I understand the loneliness and the sadness, when you spend time together and then have to say goodbye. It’s hard.

 

That said, I couldn’t do what you are doing. I wouldn’t do what you are doing.

 

In fact, my boyfriend says that if we lived on the other side of the city, we probably wouldn’t be dating... neither of us has the time to drive back and forth - with his son, work, and other obligations.

 

Not sure where you get the idea that some couples only see each other once every couple of years... I can’t even imagine how difficult it would be to have a happy and healthy long term relationship in that situation.

 

With respect, you are 19 years old. Why are you engaged to a man you have only met five times who lives on another continent? This is the time in your life when you should be going to school, having fun with friends, and dating men who live down the street... I’m curious to know how you have come to find yourself in this position and what your parents think of this relationship... Are you planning a wedding? And where are you planning to live?

Edited March 28, 2019 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

I'm going to assume that the decision to marry so young to a man so far away who you barely know is religious or cultural. From a Western perspective I just don't get it & think this is doomed but I wish you well. If you have parental & community support you may have a chance.

 

The keys to overcoming loneliness in a LDR are

 

 

1. Keeping busy. You have to have other interests so you are not sitting & stewing about him.

 

2. Communication. I did an LDR 3 decades ago when all we got was 1 phone call once per week after 11 pm when the rates were lower & snail mail. We had a daily letter writing thing going. Do try snail mail. It's satisfying to hold that piece of paper in your hand. Leverage the other technology at your disposal: phone calls, Skype / Facetime etc.

 

3. Increase the # of times you can see each other in person. We were fortunate & managed to see each other every 3-4 months even though I was in the NY area & he was in Calif. It's not as far as you & your guy but at a young age (I was about 22) it may as well have been that far.

 

4. Surprise each other when you can. Our rule was that when one person did something out of the normal routine, that person had to send the other a trinket. So when people were visiting him & he took them to Disney, I got a trinket. If I traveled to Boston or Philly, I got him something. We're talking souvenir nonsense < $5: a pencil, a postcard, a shot glass, etc.

 

5. Have a plan for when the distance will end. Without that, this is a pipedream.

[Sunlight72]

5. Have a plan for when the distance will end. Without that, this is a pipedream.

All good points above mine, but this is the real deal ^^right here^^. If you have a real, attainable date on the calendar, you can make this work. Otherwise, please stop torturing yourself and pull the plug. I say this having been engaged to a woman a few hours from my home town until the distance made things awkward, and she fairly suddenly ended it, as I was pushing to move myself there.

 

With a date on the calendar, you can start marking real plans between now and then.

 

What kind of apartment or house will you live in together? Or apart? Will you pick it out together, or live briefly together at first and agree to pick out the new place within 6 weeks and occupy it within 10 weeks of living on the same continent? Do some (small amount of ) searching online to get a more fair impression of what is available in your price range/area, and talk to each other about what will generally work for you.

 

What kind of job will the one of you who moves be getting in the new-to-you area?

 

What kind of training (on the job, online, or educational) can you do before hand to make it more realistic?

 

Where will the wedding be?

 

How much will the event center/church cost?

 

How much money do you two need to save each month to have enough to pay for the move and the wedding? (and so, make a special bank account on each side of the pond that each of you has online access to, and start putting in the weekly contributions, however small, so you both can feel you are doing something real and see the other person is making it happen as well).

 

The next time the one of you visits in the direction of your mutual future city of residence, purposefully plan, say, 3 specific places/events where the visiting person can start building their own social life and meet their own independent friends in that city. When you (or he) arrives at the time of the Big Move, you will do much better if you already have 3 or 4 friends to call on, and in the meantime to also chat with a bit through messages or calls. ... Remember the moving person will really need a network of their own friends in the new place to make this work and not feel isolated and homesick or lost. Start having the fun of building those friendships now

 

Make it real, and it will become real.

 

These ideas are in addition to the emotional parts suggested by other posters, and doing these type of things will also give you both something positive to put energy into besides just missing each other

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[preraph]

You should just continue your social life of friends and having fun when he's not around. And even after he is around. You don't add someone to your life for them to take over your life. You add someone to your life who will enhance the life you already have and get to know your friends, etc.

 

So I'm just saying keep living your life. It's no good to wait on someone. Keep growing and exploring. It's fine to not date, of course, though if it were me, I'd never promise myself to someone not even in the same country. But you are truly too young to be getting married. I certainly hope you are going to live in the same city for at least several months before you get married, because you can't really know each other well yet. And you are not old enough to be taking such a serious step.

[justwhoiam]

First of all, I see nothing hinting at any engagement, but the OP edited her first post, so I'm not sure. Maybe she just used the wrong word.

 

 

Secondly, OP, I repeat what others already asked: how often do you keep in touch with him while apart?

 

 

If you don't hear from him before he goes to bed, then it's bad.

 

Thirdly, you said you met him 5 time, in what timeframe? In 6 months? 2 years? What exactly?

 

 

Have his stuff around your house, so that you feel he's near you. Some t-shirt he wore, a sweater. His perfume in your bathroom. I think that helps. I also have hand-written letters from him. That helps. When I feel a bit lonely or sad, I read that, and it puts a smile on my face.

 

 

That said, you're very young. And I think you should also experience a relationship locally, as others said. But in the end, whatever makes you happy is fine. If you're really into him and he's really into you, you can overcome anything and beyond.

[Lotsgoingon]

Makes total sense that you're feeling aching loneliness ... you guys are so far away.

 

But ... as others have said ... and you want to keep this point in mind: People experience aching loneliness when they're married and see their spouse every day. The quality of the relation and each partner's own personality and style ... determine loneliness.

 

My first reaction is ... are you sure you want to be in a long-distance relationship like this? I was in a ldr for about three years, and we talked on the phone every night for about an hour ... and felt very connected. We would talk each evening and sorta run through our day and what happened. Now we had the advantage of being in the same time zone.

 

If I may be so bold--what is the rush to get married at 19. The most independent and mature woman I know ... got married later than that ... and she now thinks it was way too early to get married.

 

Have you guys been with each other when one of you is sick? ... or going through a work or school crisis? ... Have you had any strong disagreements yet? ... You don't really know someone until both of you have been sick ... and you see how you take care of each other ... and until you have had some serious disagreements ... and created a way to work through the disagreements.

 

If the ldr hurts this much, you may need to call things off ... at least consider that option ... and you definitely want to build up the rest of your life.