Is ever possible the MM really does love the OW ***Updated***

[Turning point]

... he wants to live how God wants him to live, and loves God more, even though he loves me.

 

This is very typical of how toxic people invoke religion.

 

"God" is being used to stifle honest communication and it stops you from asking the questions he doesn't want to answer. He suggests that God stands between you and his reality (truth) - which is completely false.

 

Our love for God is manifest in how we love and respect one another. His portrayal of God assigning how he must live is entirely corrupt. The man is a religious fraud - a very average, run of the mill cheater.

Edited April 14, 2019 by Turning point

[elaine567]

Seems to me it is remarkable how many of the MM we hear about on the forum are very or extremely religious...

[BaileyB]

Seems to me it is remarkable how many of the MM we hear about on the forum are very or extremely religious...

 

And yet, they are on this forum because they are acting in ways that many would find entirely amoral.

[Turning point]

Seems to me it is remarkable how many of the MM we hear about on the forum are very or extremely religious...

 

The religious notion of absolution is very attractive to abusive people. A belief they can wipe the slate clean with a few prayers or rituals is a way of off-loading shame.

 

It's also an important part of image crafting that provides a short cut to establishing trust and BOF (Benefit of Doubt.)

Edited April 14, 2019 by Turning point

[whatcomesnext]

I find this thread very interesting because my ex-MM is a religious leader (not my religious leader) and his job is tied to religion. It is one of the reasons why I viewed him as “safe” and didn’t find anything suspicious about his communicating with me, and also a reason why I thought our relationship was special and that he must really care about me and want me to be spending so much time on me despite his job and life being so tied to faith. He didn’t preach anything to me about religion or use it as a shield, but it is just a fact that this is his life. It’s also why I (wrongly) projected the trait of empathy onto him. I couldn’t imagine that a person who counsels others as part of their job could ultimately discard me and treat me so coldly without caring a whit about my feelings and what it might do to me emotionally. It is still hard for me to accept that he could do that. Like OP I often think he has his own internal beliefs about what makes him a “good person” and what doesn’t from a religious perspective and that he probably convinced himself that he did nothing wrong and discarding me was the “right” thing to do. Hypocrisy at its finest.

[lolita888]

I think he is changing. He wants to do what God wants. Nothing I said or did made it worth choosing me. I can’t win over God. But, to answer your question, I’d tell my daughters to run, that a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and in time, he’d be up to his old ways again. And I’d encourage them to get into therapy to find out why they expect so little for themselves bc they were raised better than that.

Nothing you said or did will ever make him choose you and leave his wife. And nothing of what you will say and do will ever make him choose you and leave his wife because from the start he have no plan of doing that - not because of God.

[Turning point]

... nothing of what you will say and do will ever make him choose you and leave his wife because from the start he have no plan of doing that - not because of God.

 

Yes, to be more accurate:

 

She can't win over his wife, and she won't argue with God. This is why he puts God in the middle - because it puts her in her place and very effectively stops her from making demands. She consistently lowers her expectations to avoid being the 'infidel' before his version of God's supposed will.

Edited April 15, 2019 by Turning point

[mark clemson]

Seems to me it is remarkable how many of the MM we hear about on the forum are very or extremely religious...

 

Some folks find it useful to hide behind unfortunately. Just look at all these pedophile priests.

[Daisy1776]

I just want to clarify there are two very similar user names in this thread. My MM is not a God lover that thought is actually laughable. Just didn't want people to confuse my situation with that of the other Daisy here.

 

 

Also, I came here for support from other people who have gone through similar situations. I do find that 50% of the time the other 50% I find people who just want to judge.

[Turning point]

.. there are two very similar user names in this thread. My MM is not a God lover ..

 

the other 50% I find people who just want to judge.

 

Yes, it's the other Daisy's man who keeps her in her place using God.

 

The wall that keeps you in your place is much simpler - you're both married (mutually assured destruction.) You also have all the basic ingredients of a delusional addiction typical of affairs:

 

- mature adults who continue "as friends" (game of chicken / seduction)

- communication without accountability

- unstated agendas

 

Do you know why illegal drugs end up being so expensive despite the pushers initially giving them out for free? It's to maintain a wide customer base. A high barrier and sporadic supply is necessary or the users would self destruct very quickly, and that kind of turn-over is bad for business.

 

This why in an affair both or at least one person (one who is married) establishes barriers (consciously or unconsciously) that create addiction. The affair survives through sporadic dosing (just as drug addicts do.) If you overdose in an affair you destroy your life immediately, but also like an addict you are in fact destroying it anyway one small dose at a time.

 

Your spouse in not frozen in time. While you remain disengaged from your marriage your spouse (witting or unwitting) is measuring their experience of you that will produce changes to their own perspective.

 

I know from my own experience that my ex was rather shocked to learn that by the time she was done with her secret affairs - I had decided to be done with her. A lot of recovering drug addicts have had a similar family experience.

Edited April 15, 2019 by Turning point