I made my husband cry.

[jaclynxox89]

Last night, I literally made my husband cry. His uncle is coming in between us.

 

It all started about 2 years ago when his needy, 62 year old uncle that doesn't speak a word of english moved in with us. In our living room. His bed was our couch. We needed more space so we are now spending more money on a larger apt and his uncle now has his own bedroom.

 

Prior to moving in with us, he lived in another apartment with my husband's brother. Prior to my husband and I dating/getting married, my husband lived with his brother and his uncle for 10 years. My husband and I then got our own apartment, his brother got transferred for work so he moved, and then his uncle moved 30 minutes away to dishwash at a restaurant. He lasted 1 month. He didn't do his laundry at all because he was scared (not the greatest neighborhood), so he called my husband, says "I can't take it anymore" and next thing I know, he quit his job & he's on our couch.

 

My husband is 37 & I am 29. My husband is extremely family oriented. He says that his uncle has the best heart in the world and is his 'buddy'. As soon as my husband comes home from work, his uncle will come out of his bedroom and start talking to him when I'm trying to catch up with my husband. He oftenly makes him dinner at 3pm and has food waiting for my husband when he comes home from work. Why can't we just be a normal married couple? His uncle does not work, he has his own room with a refrigerator, microwave, table, cable & my husband pays his cellphone bill. He has everything that he could ever need in life! I come home with groceries, and his uncle comes out of his room to put everything away. My husband says that something is "wrong with me" for thinking this, but I feel as if his uncle is trying to get in between us and wants my husband to himself.

 

Before he "couldn't take it anymore" and crashed on our couch, I thought he was a nice, fragile little man. But now it's just.... irritating! My husband says that he will take care of his uncle forever until he goes back to Costa Rica (which he says will be happening by the end of the year, but that's what he said last year, too).

 

Last night, I was making my husband a fresh pork chop for dinner and he got mad at me because his uncle made him a pork chop at 2pm that was sitting in the refrigerator and he made a big thing over that, because I "hate" his uncle.... that was right after I complained that his uncle wastes the paper towels (a whole roll disappears within a day), but his uncle can do no wrong. I'm the bi***. After speaking my thoughts and, what if we wanted to have a kid?? We can't because we have no room because his uncle is living for free in our spare bedroom. My husband got upset and went to the car to sleep which I didn't allow to happen. He came back inside crying and upset that he would have never imagined that his life would be this way, that his wife would hate his uncle and he works so hard to build OUR LIFE, but then says he comes home after a hard day of work to see us fighting like cats and dogs...

 

 

Guys, I don't know what to do! All I know is that you all give the best advice. No matter what I say or do, I'm the bi***. And for the record, I do not hate his uncle, I want him to get out of our way and let us build our family. Why is he even in America in the first place? (I'm convinced that he followed my husband here, 1 year after my husband arrived, then his uncle was here next... 50 years old, jumping the border!). He is literally up his ass and he won't go away. Now he is in between our marriage. I have NEVER been alone with my husband. I don't really speak with him anymore because I want him to get the hint, but he is so dumb that he has no idea, or he is just playing stupid because he doesn't want to go back to his country. By the way, this is my husband and I's ONLY "problem".

Edited March 28, 2019 by jaclynxox89

[d0nnivain]

I don't think the uncle is trying to get in between you. He is in between you but I don't think it's malicious on the uncle's part. I doubt he followed his nephew here for any reason other then he wanted to be in America.

 

Do you speak Spanish? Can you talk to the uncle? If you can sit him down when your husband is not around & talk about the running of the house -- using less paper towels, when dinner is, possibly getting a job etc. I wasn't sure if the uncle only cooked for your husband or if he made food for all 3 of you. It sounds like he's trying to help by putting groceries away. Would you feel any better about things if the uncle contributed more around the house?

 

Can you find the uncle some local friends? If he has a better social life he should leave you & DH to have some private time. I don't know where in NJ you live but can the uncle walk to places or take public transportation to an area where he will find other ex-pats from Costa Rica?

 

Is it a money thing? Have you ever talked about paying uncle's way to go home? Since the uncle has been here for 10 years, with all the anti-immigration rhetoric these days you have to assume uncle is staying because if he leaves it will be impossible for him to come back.

 

Is there anybody else you can talk you? What about your in-laws? Can they offer you guidance on how to make peace with this situation? I really don't think the uncle is leaving so if you can't tolerate him anymore, your only option may be to ditch your whole marriage which I don't hear you saying you want to do.

[preraph]

My guess is if it wasn't the uncle, it would be someone else your husband moves in because that is his culture. He probably wouldn't care if there were 10 people living there with you cooking for all of them. This is something you had a right to know before you married him. Your husband is irresponsible in that he should at the very least be telling the uncle, You have one month to find another job and then another month to find another roommate. This is your place too, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if your husband dumped you before his uncle or any other family. Have you considered just moving out and getting your own place and seeing how that goes?

[jaclynxox89]

Is it a money thing? Have you ever talked about paying uncle's way to go home? Since the uncle has been here for 10 years, with all the anti-immigration rhetoric these days you have to assume uncle is staying because if he leaves it will be impossible for him to come back.

 

It really does seem like he has no intentions of leaving. My mom even says he tries to run our house. My in-law told my husband, which my husband told me at one point months ago that his mom was asking him what he is doing in America?? It’s time to come back to Acosta Rica... my husband and I overall, have a healthy and strong relationship and I would never just leave. Uncle is the only problem, literally. It actually is a money thing, that’s another thing. I understand that I’m not the smartest shopper, but groceries are so expensive. And we’re paying for special things for this man. Like coffee. He’s the only one in henhouse that drinks coffee. I don’t understand why I should be responsible for supporting this man. And he has no desire to work. We also live in a rural area so there’s nowhere really that he can easily accesss, even if he wanted to.

Edited March 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote edited

[jaclynxox89]

My guess is if it wasn't the uncle, it would be someone else your husband moves in because that is his culture. He probably wouldn't care if there were 10 people living there with you cooking for all of them. This is something you had a right to know before you married him. Your husband is irresponsible in that he should at the very least be telling the uncle, You have one month to find another job and then another month to find another roommate. This is your place too, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if your husband dumped you before his uncle or any other family. Have you considered just moving out and getting your own place and seeing how that goes?

 

Based off of our disagreements on this, I have even told him myself that if it came down to it, he would choose his uncle above me. Then of course, he says , ‘You are my WIFE! That is not true, blah blah’. We’ve been married for 5 years and sort of alone for 3 of those 5 years, living a more traditional life. The past 2 years comes along this uncle and he has no idea that he is being an intrudence. There is absolutely no way that he would tell him to get a job and/or leave, as he has no where else to go, except back to Paterson, 30 minutes away where he didn’t last a month as it was a bad neighborhood which isn’t even an option for my uncle or husband. It hasn’t even been thought about. We live in more of a rural area. I will never leave my husband because overall, our bond and relationship is so strong. This is literally our only issue. I believe that if it weren’t for his uncle, we would absolutely never get into any disagreements.

[Crazelnut]

By the way, this is my husband and I's ONLY "problem".

 

Except you posted a thread about how the frequency of sex has dropped off and questioned whether you've become a bore. ???

[jaclynxox89]

Except you posted a thread about how the frequency of sex has dropped off and questioned whether you've become a bore. ???

 

Well, that too, but I don’t know if I would call that an actual problem? It could just be his testosterone levels or sudden weight gain? Doesn’t mean that I /. Our relationship is a problem. I feel like our sex life is still consistent... if it just stopped all together I would call that a problem..

[d0nnivain]

It actually is a money thing, that’s another thing. I understand that I’m not the smartest shopper, but groceries are so expensive. And we’re paying for special things for this man. Like coffee.

 

Then become a better shopper. It's not that hard. Try shopping at Aldi. I cut my grocery bill in half there. Chips that are $3 a bag are $1. Learn to cook more economically & to use leftovers wisely.

 

Do you know how to budget? Try doing that. See where you can save.

 

Make a plan about what uncle's household responsibilities are. If he doesn't work & doesn't pay rent, he can cook & clean. It is only fair. If that's not manly enough for him because it's woman's work, he's always free to get a job. Remind him how macho is it is to earn money.

[bathtub-row]

Your husband and the uncle both are the problem. The uncle doesn’t have enough sense to know that a married couple needs time to themselves. If he did, he’d be more considerate about not being around right when you come home, etc. If your husband had any sense, he’d set some boundaries with his uncle and let him know that there are times when the two of you need alone time.

 

Your husband treats life as he did when he and his pals - his brother and uncle - lived together. You’re probably not going to change these dynamics. If you continue to push your husband about this, he’ll withdraw more and more. Either deal with it, use time in the bedroom as private time with your husband, or walk away.

[jaclynxox89]

Your husband and the uncle both are the problem. The uncle doesn’t have enough sense to know that a married couple needs time to themselves..

 

What you said here makes so much sense and I completely agree. Actually, it reminded me how all season last year during landscaping season, my husband owns a landscaping company and his uncle worked with him most days. They would leave the house at 6am, they would return home at 4pm so my husband can go to his 2nd job at 4:30ish. He literally went straight from the front door, shower and out the door again. Every single day, uncle had to get the last goodbye waiting for my husband in the foyer or following him to the front door. He literally spent all day every day with him and I barely got to see my husband. Even though he doesn’t understand English, there is absolutely no way that he didn’t see that I wasn’t upset. I got mad every time. And my husband never said anything to him about it. It continued to happen every day. I remember one day he was especially right there ready to say something in Spanish to my husband while my husband was kissing me goodbye. Things like that is what leads me to believe that his uncle was trying to get in between our marriage and that he has an obsession with my husband, as crazy as that sounds.

Edited March 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Sounds like this is a cultural thing.

I guess your husband wants the whole extended family thing and even if you have kids then the uncle or any other stray family members will join you in one big happy family.

By not wanting to play the family game, you are spoiling it, hence why your husband is so upset.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sounds like this is a cultural thing.

 

True. jaclynxox89, your husband comes from a culture where family takes on a much more prominent role and your living situation wouldn't be considered unusual at all. He was born this way, raised this way and expects you to adapt and understand. There's probably more likelihood of another relative moving in as there is of uncle moving out.

 

Seeing how your husband lived before, I'm surprised you didn't have a little more awareness of this before you got married ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Your husband has stopped making you his number one priority. Yes his uncle is family but he's not married to his uncle, he's married to you!! And he has to start making special time for you and put down some rules/boundaries when it comes to his uncle.

 

There has to be a compromise, an honest and respectful conversation(s) between all of you to make this work. Life can't go on the way it is because you'll end up resenting your H as time goes on and it'll do a lot of damage to your marriage.

 

the uncle isn't moving out any time soon but you can suggest a time limit or ask if someone else can allow him to move in their house.

[The Revealer]

A woman who wants what I am now, but hates and despises where I came from; my humble roots disgust her. She is disgusted by my non-English speaking family, the people who made sacrifices for me since I was a child, before I ever met her, the people who got me where I am now in life.

 

With my current lifestyle now, women want me, but there was a time I stayed with my uncle, they made space for me in their small house so I could attend school- "my brother's son is my own son, we are family, there is always space for family."

 

Shame on him, if he kicks his uncle out because of the tantrums of a woman who could divorce him and leave him for another man at any other time in the future.

 

If it was me, after the 1st warning, I would be presenting you with divorce papers. No woman is worth neglecting my non-English speaking uncle, mother or father for: she can be replaced but they can't.

---------------------------

Be more respectful of your husband and his family, even if they don't speak English like you do. His uncle has done nothing wrong, and you mention,'...he wants my husband to himself' so now he is gay? You even sound racist, something not very uncommon : I have met men who confessed to be raccist but are apparently married to a woman of that particular race they hate -- they detest her family, her friends, her culture..

 

Solipsistic - it's everybody's fault, your husband's fault, his uncle's fault, but not yours, and that same solipsism will be validated by other women on this forum.

[jaclynxox89]

True. jaclynxox89, your husband comes from a culture where family takes on a much more prominent role and your living situation wouldn't be considered unusual at all. He was born this way, raised this way and expects you to adapt and understand. There's probably more likelihood of another relative moving in as there is of uncle moving out.

 

Seeing how your husband lived before, I'm surprised you didn't have a little more awareness of this before you got married ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Yeah, I agree with all of the above. Why didn't I have more awareness as he lived this way before? Because when we started dating, we got our own apartment. We lived alone. Things were normal. This all started happening 2 years after we got married. How was I supposed to know that this was going to happen?

[jaclynxox89]

A woman who wants what I am now, but hates and despises where I came from; my humble roots disgust her. She is disgusted by my non-English speaking family, the people who made sacrifices for me since I was a child, before I ever met her, the people who got me where I am now in life.

 

With my current lifestyle now, women want me, but there was a time I stayed with my uncle, they made space for me in their small house so I could attend school- "my brother's son is my own son, we are family, there is always space for family."

 

 

I understand where you are coming from, to an extent. I do not hate where my husband comes from. I do not hate my in-laws and I am not trying to change my husband. Lets be real: Can we at least agree that a married couple should be together, building their life without all this extra drama? The moment that my husband married me, I should have become his #1 priority. I'm not asking for his uncle to go back to Costa Rica, I'm asking for him to go somewhere else! Maybe my husband's brother which lives 10 minutes away, alone in a 1 BR with an empty bunk bed? No, my husband's uncle doesn't WANT to. I disagree 100% with what you said about a wife can be replaced, but not family. Are you for real? Our vows to each other was "to death do us part". We ARE family now. My husband and I truly have a strong relationship and neither of us believe in, or have ever even thought of divorce!

Edited March 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

The majority of people don't even consider divorce when they first marry. As you can see by the millions of divorces that happen their dream failed. Yes both a husband and wife can be replaced but the children will always be family.

[preraph]

I just think he ought to help his uncle find another situation and get him out as soon as possible and tell him no next time, but I don't see him doing this. You living in the country is just one more reason why his uncle shouldn't be out there with you -- because there's no opportunity for him and he needs to go find opportunity. No wife should have to put up with having a third wheel in her home that she doesn't want there.

[elaine567]

The idea of the nuclear family is "normal" in the US, but in other cultures the nuclear family is not normal.

It took me two secs to find out that in Costa Rica the nuclear family is not "normal", large extended families are "normal", so I am not sure why you assumed your husband would follow American ways for life and end up denying his own culture...

[jaclynxox89]

The majority of people don't even consider divorce when they first marry. As you can see by the millions of divorces that happen their dream failed. Yes both a husband and wife can be replaced but the children will always be family.

 

 

And maybe that is why so many marriages fail and end up in divorce. As soon as a couple has either one of a few disagreements, or goes through a phase of unhappiness, they go for divorce. That is not what my husband and I vowed to each other when we got married. We actually plan to renew our vows within the next year or so IN Costa Rica with his family that couldn't be at our wedding here.

[jaclynxox89]

I just think he ought to help his uncle find another situation and get him out as soon as possible and tell him no next time, but I don't see him doing this. You living in the country is just one more reason why his uncle shouldn't be out there with you -- because there's no opportunity for him and he needs to go find opportunity. No wife should have to put up with having a third wheel in her home that she doesn't want there.

 

 

Even my mother-in-law asked my husband what the heck uncle Omar is still doing here? Every year, they say that he'll leave by the end of the year. When my husband built a huge home for his family in Costa Rica, his uncle has his own bedroom in their McMansion. There is absolutely no reason for him to be here. He is just here. Not working. No desire to do anything, just be here. He can't even work because just over a year ago, he ran in front of a car and apparently has back/spine trouble. He does run our home though so I doubt that the pain is as bad as he makes it sound, I feel like he is just dramatic.

[jaclynxox89]

The idea of the nuclear family is "normal" in the US, but in other cultures the nuclear family is not normal.

It took me two secs to find out that in Costa Rica the nuclear family is not "normal", large extended families are "normal", so I am not sure why you assumed your husband would follow American ways for life and end up denying his own culture...

 

 

 

 

Because we started our relationship the traditional way: alone. No one ever anticipated that uncle omar would call my husband begging for mercy that he "couldn't take it anymore". I get it, was my husband supposed to say "no" to his uncle? I just don't understand: his uncle is literally the 3rd wheel. Whereever we go, he is there. I call him my husband's tail. Geez, a few months ago my husband and I were in our bedroom and his uncle just opened the door without knocking and my husband set him straight that one time and it hasn't happened again. It's just too much. My husband even says to me himself that he doesn't want this, it's just the way things are now and that he needs to take care of his uncle. Why can't his uncle move in with his single nephew that lives down the road? He lived with him before! He doesn't WANT to. My husband is not his uncle's only choice, but it kinda is because he likes to be babied by him.

[elaine567]

Your husband built a huge McMansion for his family in Costa Rica, maybe it is time to ask him what his real plans for your future are...

[preraph]

Sounds like one of the senior relatives needs to tell him to get out of there or just come get him, but your husband will have to enlist them to help with that. He's there because he knows your husband is a pushover!

[bathtub-row]

And maybe that is why so many marriages fail and end up in divorce. As soon as a couple has either one of a few disagreements, or goes through a phase of unhappiness, they go for divorce. That is not what my husband and I vowed to each other when we got married. We actually plan to renew our vows within the next year or so IN Costa Rica with his family that couldn't be at our wedding here.

 

No. That isn’t how or why most people divorce. No matter what you do in this situation, please stop being so judgmental about something you know little about. It’s these kinds of blanket judgments that keep people in unhealthy or abusive marriages. Most people pour their heart and soul into their marriage, they do everything in their power to make it work, and it completely breaks their hearts when it has to end, despite all efforts. Then they have to deal with judgments such as yours.

 

Yes, spouses are expendable. That’s a fact. You can say what you want but your husband already spelled it out for you. So, since divorce is never, ever an option for you, then you need to deal with this situation as it is and stop complaining to your husband about it. It’s not going to change. Nagging will end you up in divorce court.

Edited March 29, 2019 by bathtub-row