Concerning behavior

[LIRR88]

I’m sorry if this is long. I’ve always lurked on this site but I’m ready to tell my story because I feel so alone. I’ve been having an affair with a married man for about 4 months now. Let me back up, I’m divorced but I’m still with my ex husband who is the father of my two children. We were married for 4 years but we been together for 12 years. I got married when I was very young, 18 and had my son at 19.

 

My partner is 23 years older than me. It happened so quickly because I have always had a bad relationship with my mother who was abusive towards me, so I was desperate to leave my house. I did genuinely fall in love with him, but things started to change after my son was born. I found myself trapped, my then husband would spent hours after work hanging out with his co workers while I was home alone raising a baby. I yearned to go out with my friends and do fun things but my husband was and is extremely conservative. He is misogynistic, in his culture women are meant to have kids, cook, and take care of their husbands.

 

I was born and raised in America so I am a lot more liberal. We are just two very different people. Anyways feeling alone and trapped I ended up having an affair with his co worker and he found out, he made me sign some paper that he claimed would start divorce proceedings. I was 22 years old, I foolishly signed it and we were divorced. Things were never the same, he doesn’t trust me and he controls everything I do. I’ve decided to focus on my kids and go back to school. I figured I’d rather put up with him now, get an education, and make a decision on our relationship once I’m able to stand on my own two feet.

 

Fast forward to September 2018, I met J. He is another one of my partner’s co workers. My partner works for the city, he drives a bus. I would get on J’s bus Thursday’s and Fridays. At first it was friendly chats to and from my house to the train station. He is 38 years old, easy on the eyes, and very nice. It went on like this for weeks until one day he told me to meet him after work for a coffee and we began to chat. He opened up about his life, told me he’s unhappily married. He was with his wife for 7 years and got married because he felt it was the right thing to do, all his other friends were getting married and she pressured him. They been together about 14 years.

 

His wife according to him is a terrible person, she’s a pothead, hardly works, doesn’t cook, all they do is argue etc. Of course now I realize I’ve only gotten his side of the story and it’s possible he exaggerated everything. They have a two year old daughter and she is his life, he saids he stays for her. So basically we bonded over being unhappy and staying in our miserable relationships. Everything was so natural between us, no stress, just understanding. Right before the holidays he told me he was falling in love with me, and I felt the same way although I held back. I went away on vacation and when I came back he was miserable, he said he missed me so much.

 

It became full blown after that, we started emailing everyday. He would tell me he loves me 10 times a day, I loved him back. We would cry together in his car because being apart was hurting so bad, but he knew we couldn’t be together until I finish school and he said he wanted to wait until his daughter was a little older. Everything changed two weeks ago. He became super distant, he said he can’t leave his daughter, that he doesn’t have any time for me in his life. He told me that he’s not sure he can ever walk away from his daughter even though he’s unhappy and he loves me.

 

I just don’t know what to do. He literally changed overnight. I feel miserable, I feel like someone died. Please tell me this is gonna get better and this pain is gonna go away one day. I can’t tell anyone about this apart from one of my friends who is going through something similar.

Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[BaileyB]

Everything changed two weeks ago. He became super distant, he said he can’t leave his daughter, that he doesn’t have any time for me in his life. He told me that he’s not sure he can ever walk away from his daughter even though he’s unhappy and he loves me. I just don’t know what to do. He literally changed overnight. I feel miserable, I feel like someone died.

 

I’m sorry you are hurting.

 

Read more on this site, and you will learn that what he has done is very typical.

 

He’s not going to leave his wife and child. He is perhaps attempting to renegotiate the terms of your agreement. If you move forward together, you will have to lower your expectations and assume the role as “other woman.” You should not expect that he will ever leave his family.

 

FYI - it’s not just possible that he has exaggerated the truth about their marriage, it’s highly likely that he exaggerated and/or just made up a story to gain your compassion and “support.”

 

Someone did die here - the fantasy man that you thought you knew and fell in love with... Not really sure how you thought you would find a happy ending here. The reality of the situation is, he is otherwise committed and not about to leave his wife and child anytime soon.

Edited March 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[preraph]

No point dating one of his friends. They'll be just like him as far as the misognyistic, etc. After all, this guy is ready to cheat on his wife too.

 

I think your plan to get some education and find a career and THEN move on is your best plan. Either that or get yourself two crap jobs and live with a friend somewhere cheap.

[BaileyB]

And stop picking men where you find yourself in situations where you have no options. In both your marriage and this relationship, you have no control over your own destiny and no options...

[mark clemson]

Ugh. Sad to say I think you've been played. Either that or he has a personality disorder of some kind, such as borderline where people suddenly stop liking you for abnormal reasons. Real feelings don't change overnight usually, unless you've done something major.

 

Either way, smartest thing to do IMO is to keep away. Sorry.

[BTDT2012]

I four months of stolen time, you don't even know who he is. And when your partner finds out, he may well put you out. And where will you be then?

[S2B]

Get a job and work. You need to become independent and start taking care of yourself - and your child.

 

End the affair. Nothing good comes from people who are cheating.

 

Learn how to support yourself.

[stillafool]

He's lying when he says he can't walk away from his daughter. He can't walk away from his marriage and family. When it gets real they can't do it.

[BaileyB]

And when your partner finds out, he may well put you out.

 

This is my worry. How is your partner going to feel when he finds out you have been carrying on with his coworker... you say he is controlling now, I can’t imagine that he will handle the news well.

[mark clemson]

Please tell me this is gonna get better and this pain is gonna go away one day. I can’t tell anyone about this apart from one of my friends who is going through something similar.

 

 

Yes, the emotions do normally go away. It may take a lot longer than you wish, but they eventually WILL go away.

 

Resolving on your side that it is completely over will help, as will keeping away from this person (no contact/NC) and finding ways to distract yourself.

[Vivir]

I just don’t know what to do. He literally changed overnight. I feel miserable, I feel like someone died. Please tell me this is gonna get better and this pain is gonna go away one day.

 

Sometimes, when I feel emotionally weak and vulnerable, I pretend that I have an emotionally strong alter ego, a no-nonsense woman who always makes sound decisions and has only my best interest at heart. "What would she do in this situation?" I ask myself...

 

I encourage you to try to peel away your sadness and frustration and be selfish for a few minutes or for as long as you can stand it. Then, consider what it is that YOU want to do. What goal(s) do you hope to meet in the next six months to one year? What about three to five years? What step(s) can you take today to inch in that direction?

 

You will have to take action to feel better, to be better. An action you can take TODAY is to set some boundaries: if the MM contacts me, I will not answer. I will treat him as if he is a stranger if I see him on the street. I will put myself and my child, our welfare, before EVERYTHING else... And then, you will have to choose every.single.day the boundaries that you set for yourself. Because YOU are the person you need to be true to. Remember that.

 

Also, I believe education is key, but it depends on the immediacy of your situation. Usually, education is a long-term goal. Someone upthread suggested two jobs to gain your independence. This can be done, but with difficulty - especially with a child or children. You will need support, someone or multiple people that you trust. Who is in your corner?

 

You have much to ponder in order to become better for yourself and your child. Pondering for what you want and need is time better spent than pondering about someone who is trying to control you and your destiny OR someone who is (or has been) wasting your time and efforts by lying and cheating. The MM is pulling a disappearing act; he will be back if he realizes you are pulling away. Have a strategy for blocking his path back to you.

 

Read around in this section of the forum to discover what others in your situation have done. You may get lots of ideas, advice, and indirect support if you do this.

 

Best of luck.

[Daisy1776]

"Someone did die here - the fantasy man that you thought you knew and fell in love with... "

 

This is one of the best quotes I have ever seen on this site! For the last month I have been on and off NC with my MM. I am slowly starting to see the truth for what it is...the fantasy I created. My A was almost two years thankfully yours was only 4 months, not that makes the pain any less but at least you won't waste anymore time on this guy!

 

I'm sorry your hurting it is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. It will take time and strength on your part to get through it. Try to concentrate on the life you are now trying to create for yourself and your child, so one day you can find a man who will love you like you should be loved!

[LIRR88]

I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to reply. I have worked in the past, I stopped working completely when I had my second child, now I am back in school full time and I have two semesters left. I am practically on my own. All my kids have are me and their dad. I want to do things the right way, instead of getting a bull**** job and leaving right now I rather put up with the situation and get my degree so I can be able to give my kids a better future. I have asked my partner if we could try counseling but he refuses, he thinks I am the problem and there’s nothing wrong with him. He is very stuck in his ways and it’s ectremely frustrating. Yesterday Lent began and I have decided to give the MM up so I will not be checking my emails anytime soon. He has been very erratic this week. Monday he said he misses me and was very flirtatious all day and even spoke about our future today, told me he still loves me, Tuesday he was very affectionate in his car, then yesterday he was distant again. I’m sick of these games. I’m glad I never slept with him. Nonetheless it’s all so hurtful. I never lied to him about my relationship, I would rather he had been honest with me then lead me on. All of a sudden he wants to be honest when back a month ago he was talking about leaving his marriage and wanting to go see a divorce lawyer. I know his wife was on to him, she kept asking him if he has a girlfriend and he would deny it. He told me she told him that if she finds out he is cheating she is going to ruin his life. He saids his wife’s mother kept her daughters away from their dads out of spite after they had separated and he is afraid his wife will do the same to him. He saids he would be miserable only seeing his daughter twice a week. He suffers from anxiety and I guess he got scared. Either way I’m glad I started to see the red flags early on.

[Normm]

His wife according to him is a terrible person, she’s a pothead, hardly works, doesn’t cook, all they do is argue etc. Of course now I realize I’ve only gotten his side of the story and it’s possible he exaggerated everything.

 

 

Yes because if when you first met he said she's a hardworking caring and attentive wife who puts dinner on the table every night for him should he choose to come home after work, and they get along reasonably well but he's got this crazing for some side action despite her doing the best she can as a wife and a partner, you might not have been quite as willing to hop into bed with him.

[LIRR88]

Yes because if when you first met he said she's a hardworking caring and attentive wife who puts dinner on the table every night for him should he choose to come home after work, and they get along reasonably well but he's got this crazing for some side action despite her doing the best she can as a wife and a partner, you might not have been quite as willing to hop into bed with him.

 

We didn’t have sex, it was emotional. I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him until after he was divorced. Like I mentioned before, he could very well be exaggerating everything, however he did say that her mom and her sister are potheads also, I found her sisters Instagram and sure enough she’s heavy into weed.

[LIRR88]

I’ve posted my story about how in February me and MM broke up and he literally changed over night. At first I was absolutely heartbroken but as the weeks have gone on I’ve been taking it day by day and feeling better about the whole situation. I texted him yesterday because I was annoyed that his bus that I take on Wednesday’s was very late, a part of me felt like it was on purpose so that i’d have to walk to the other bus that’s farther because he’s trying to avoid me. Anyways he responded and he said that he’s sorry. I asked him “sorry for what? It’s been 16 days and I haven’t heard from you at all” he response was that my last email I wasn’t very nice and I told him he’s a piece of _____ and that bad things happen to him because he’s an awful person. So I apologized and told him I should have never said that, and it’s the truth, we’ve all said hurtful things out of anger. Anyways here is the concerning part, he said he doesn’t want to fight with me because he’s not in a good place, that his daughter would be better off without him, f **k this life because he doesn’t care about anything anymore. He told me the day after he broke up with me that he thinks about hurting himself and that he wishes he wouldn’t wake up one day. At the time I thought he was just trying to gain pity points for hurting me. After yesterday I’m just shocked, I’ve known that he’s very unhappy and he has anxiety but the times we spent together we were always happy and he’d be joking about everything. This dark side of him showed up very recently, after our breakup. I sense him spiraling and as his friend I’m really worried about him. I don’t know what to do or think regarding this entire situation.

[Aloha123]

Well, welcome to the world of being a secret, invisible person in his life. I can somewhat relate because my MM was hospitalized 2 times for different injuries this year (he's a bit of a daredevil, no surprise there). Anyway, I hated not knowing his status, not being able to get updates from his friends and family, but there you go. It comes with the territory.

Not completely analogous, but the same general idea.

[preraph]

Well, he is just seeking sympathy and trying to keep this farce going, but if he makes any threats of suicide, you call the police and send them to his house for a welfare check. That's the right thing to do. It will stop any future BS and might save his life in the off chance he's serious.

[mark clemson]

It'd probably be wise to urge him to get some professional help. There's a wide range of possibilities when it comes to things like suicidal thoughts. Sometimes a few weeks of counseling can help the person sufficiently. Other times it's much more deeply rooted. Be cautious.

[LIRR88]

That's true, not much I can do as I am the secret, its frustrating because he has shut down on me. I don't think it's a farce because he hasn't made any attempts to get back with me or sweet talk me. Like I said before, we would speak everyday and he was always very kind and loving towards me, but he changed overnight. The last time I physically saw him he literally looked awful, I could tell he was feeling low. It's not even about me wanting him to be romantic with me, I'm genuinely concerned about his well being at this point. Talking about not wanting to live when you have a 2 year old that needs you isn't healthy. Depression is a horrible thing, I've been there. I know he's also going through it with his mom being sick at the moment. He just seems to have shut down completely. But yes I will speak to him about seeking professional help, not just with depression but with his anxiety that has been debilitating lately. Thanks for the responses.

[preraph]

Him being the ex and, if I'm not misreading, already married, I just don't see why this is your responsibility. Let his family straighten him out. But yes, call the police for a wellness check if he brings it up again.