How can I get great friends?

[iamCAROL]

Hi,

I have recently feeling that I don’t really have a strong group of friends. Sometimes I find myself alone wanting to share things with other people and I can’t.

 

I do have friends. But I am not sure we relate to each other enough to become best friends. And that’s what I am looking for. Someone I can care for, talk to and have fun with genuinely and innocently.

 

I have had deep and meaningful friendships in the past but we grew apart over the years which is okay, but I would like to get someone like that again.

It seems that I can’t get deep and close enough with anyone anymore. I frequently feel taken advantage of in a group of friends. I don’t know if it is my fault or not. Men I just want to be friends with end up falling for me and girls end up getting to only a surface level with me.

 

My question is how can i attract people who match me and how to approach a friendship relationship in order to be long lasting and not just surface level?

 

Thanks in advance.

[FMW]

I think it's just harder to make new truly deep friendships as we get older because we are more guarded (even if we are trying to be open) and maybe even a little cynical.

 

I love the new friendships I've developed over recent years and hope/plan to continue making new friends for the rest of my life, but they aren't the same as those made years ago when I was younger and didn't have the normal life "battle scars" that happen along the way. I don't trust as easily as I used to.

 

Keep working on your current friendships and be open to new ones and see where they go. You probably don't need to change your approach or "vibration", just temper your expectations.

[amaysngrace]

Can you reconnect with that friend you were really close to or did it end on bad terms?

[Foxhall]

Yes I understand where you are coming from,

 

 

I think perhaps finding someone with mutual interests is a starting point and if you find that person with whom you have a lot in common and perhaps even one strong shared interest,

 

 

I think that is the foundation and perhaps then over time a good friendship can grow,

 

 

As a guy I find meeting new male friends is difficult at my age of 38,certainly much harder than it was in my 20s,

perhaps this is just a state of mind though or negative thoughts and I am sure it should be perfectly possibly to find new friends now.

 

 

I have joined a couple of sports clubs recently and find as a single guy it is hard to develop friendships as many of the members are married and have full life's as it were and are not looking for new friends. and 10-15 years ago, it was much easier to meet social friends as the majority of them were free and single I suppose back then.

 

 

I am also trying my luck in the dating scene again and any new friends I make tend to be from this, women who are not interested romantically but who are happy to be friends

 

 

so I would say finding people with similar interests is the starting point,

 

 

however I would like to hear other thoughts on this topic,

 

 

why is it harder to meet new friends as we get older or is that just a state of mind.

[Youngestdaughter]

It's true the older we get, the harder it is is to make friends. We move, have kids and just generally drift apart from the friends we had when we were young. Or maybe one of you is more successful than the others

To meet people, joining clubs and organizations that interest you is an option. I've reconnected with a lot of old friends on Facebook.

Coincidentally, I just happen to be writing a piece on the red flags of a bad friend. I hope this helps.

1. A person who laughs too much or loud at your mistakes when you put yourself down will never be in your corner

2. Someone who crosses boundaries or gives you advice on matters none of his or her business is controlling.

3. A friend who talks about her other friends will talk about you.

4. This sounds cold. But a friend who has a lot of drama in her life and calls too often will drain you.

5. Look for the vowel I. Too many of them is a self absorbed person. If you tell him or her a story about yourself and her automatic reply is a story about herself, she's not interested in you and never will be

6. The opposite is a warning as well. If you find your always answering questions and find out nothing about her, it might make you feel like the most interesting person in the world. But, if she's not sharing anything about herself, there's a reason.

Lastly, don't look to people for happiness. Seek your own bliss. The right kind of people will come into your life. Good luck. You seem like a nice person and you deserve good friends

[Logo]

Zig Ziglar, the motivational speaker, once said “If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere”.

 

Personally, I think it’s easier to find one friend and branch out from there. It’s no different than networking in the business world.

 

 

If, historically, you found yourself taken advantage of in groups of friends or didn’t find the level of connection you were looking for, you might be better off with one or two very close and good friends. Quality over quantity.

 

 

It’s possible that there was a group dynamic that you weren’t privy to that left you vulnerable.

[basil67]

Excellent quote there Logo

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Good advice, Logo.

 

I don't know if OP is going to come back to this thread, but another method is to "ask a girl out." One of my current BFFs is a woman I've only known for a couple of years, although it feels longer than that. She "asked me out" after we became acquainted when I hired her as my dog sitter and became Facebook friends. I barely knew her, but she had decided to get divorced, thought I "looked like a nice person" based on Facebook, so she reached out and asked me out to dinner for the purpose of having a listening ear. Since I'm a nice person lol, I said yes. Our friendship has not been one-sided despite the initial purpose of her venting to me and getting my advice.

 

Same thing happened a few months ago as well (another woman going through a divorce). We met for breakfast, and it was fine and all, but she and I don't have that "kind" of connection so we won't become BFFs or anything. And I've known her a heck of a lot longer since our 18 year old daughters have been in school together since K.

 

But, put yourself out there if there's someone you want to get to know. We are all in the same boat!

[iamCAROL]

I think it's just harder to make new truly deep friendships as we get older because we are more guarded (even if we are trying to be open) and maybe even a little cynical.

 

I love the new friendships I've developed over recent years and hope/plan to continue making new friends for the rest of my life, but they aren't the same as those made years ago when I was younger and didn't have the normal life "battle scars" that happen along the way. I don't trust as easily as I used to.

 

Keep working on your current friendships and be open to new ones and see where they go. You probably don't need to change your approach or "vibration", just temper your expectations.

 

Thank you for your advice. I’m not old though. I have just found that people don’t seem to think of myself as approachable. They claim that they think I’m intimidating. I have somewhat of a strong personality and I’m always joking so maybe that is why I attract very superficial relationships with people who only like me to entertain them or be of use to vent to. It’s hard to get deep bonds. I’ll try to have more realistic expectations. Thank you.

[iamCAROL]

Can you reconnect with that friend you were really close to or did it end on bad terms?

 

Things have never ended in bad terms. We just stopped seeing and socialising with each other. I feel like I had such an amazing bunch of friends but I failed to stimulate the relationship because I was so focused in my goals and dealing with a multitude of life problems and they failed to notice my distance and didn’t care too much to check up on what was really going on in my life. I think now it would be hard to rekindle those old relationships.

[iamCAROL]

Yes I understand where you are coming from,

 

 

I think perhaps finding someone with mutual interests is a starting point and if you find that person with whom you have a lot in common and perhaps even one strong shared interest,

 

 

I think that is the foundation and perhaps then over time a good friendship can grow,

 

 

As a guy I find meeting new male friends is difficult at my age of 38,certainly much harder than it was in my 20s,

perhaps this is just a state of mind though or negative thoughts and I am sure it should be perfectly possibly to find new friends now.

 

 

I have joined a couple of sports clubs recently and find as a single guy it is hard to develop friendships as many of the members are married and have full life's as it were and are not looking for new friends. and 10-15 years ago, it was much easier to meet social friends as the majority of them were free and single I suppose back then.

 

 

I am also trying my luck in the dating scene again and any new friends I make tend to be from this, women who are not interested romantically but who are happy to be friends

 

 

so I would say finding people with similar interests is the starting point,

 

 

however I would like to hear other thoughts on this topic,

 

 

why is it harder to meet new friends as we get older or is that just a state of mind.

 

I tend to gravitate more towards different people than me. I tried to form bonds with people with the same hobbies and career interests but I noticed the relationships was full of jealousy of my accomplishments and all from the other side. I notice that people with similar interests than me end up by really being defensive towards me in our conversations and it’s very difficult to be genuine.

My best friends were always people with a compatible personality to mine, simular interests but completely different aspirations in life.

[iamCAROL]

It's true the older we get, the harder it is is to make friends. We move, have kids and just generally drift apart from the friends we had when we were young. Or maybe one of you is more successful than the others

To meet people, joining clubs and organizations that interest you is an option. I've reconnected with a lot of old friends on Facebook.

Coincidentally, I just happen to be writing a piece on the red flags of a bad friend. I hope this helps.

1. A person who laughs too much or loud at your mistakes when you put yourself down will never be in your corner

2. Someone who crosses boundaries or gives you advice on matters none of his or her business is controlling.

3. A friend who talks about her other friends will talk about you.

4. This sounds cold. But a friend who has a lot of drama in her life and calls too often will drain you.

5. Look for the vowel I. Too many of them is a self absorbed person. If you tell him or her a story about yourself and her automatic reply is a story about herself, she's not interested in you and never will be

6. The opposite is a warning as well. If you find your always answering questions and find out nothing about her, it might make you feel like the most interesting person in the world. But, if she's not sharing anything about herself, there's a reason.

Lastly, don't look to people for happiness. Seek your own bliss. The right kind of people will come into your life. Good luck. You seem like a nice person and you deserve good friends

 

I’m not old. You gave some great tips though. Thank you ??

[iamCAROL]

Zig Ziglar, the motivational speaker, once said “If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere”.

 

Personally, I think it’s easier to find one friend and branch out from there. It’s no different than networking in the business world.

 

 

If, historically, you found yourself taken advantage of in groups of friends or didn’t find the level of connection you were looking for, you might be better off with one or two very close and good friends. Quality over quantity.

 

 

It’s possible that there was a group dynamic that you weren’t privy to that left you vulnerable.

 

I agree. I never said I wanted a lot of friends. It’s easy for me to go up to people and talk with them but it’s so hard to get deep relationships. I don’t know if it has to do with the way I present myself. People say I’m not approachable and that I’m intimidating but once they get to know me they see that that is absolutely untrue and they get surprised. I don’t know what gives them off that vibe about myself.

 

I’m spontaneous, direct, emotionally expressive, funny and resourceful. Maybe because of my way of cracking up jokes all the time I tend to attract people who just want to be there for me in the fun times or when they need something. I’m not sure how I should go about it.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[Foxhall]

It is interesting to get an update on threads from a few months ago,

 

Personally I am in a slightly better place than when I first came on this forum early this year,

 

In terms of the friendships, I have found a few new mates through the squash club that can meet socially on occasion also, this came from offering them help really in terms of improving their squash,

 

so that perhaps follows the advice there about going out "to be a friend" rather than looking for a friend.

 

and after a lean couple of years on the dating scene, I have met two ladies I get on very well with,

 

so things are looking up.

[schlumpy]

Finding a best friend is as hard finding a spouse or lover.

 

I don't think you can find a new BFF by looking for them. You can only do what you would do if you were seeking a lover and that is increase the odds that it will happen by putting yourself in the right place.

 

In my opinion, the best way is to involve yourself in a group activity where there is repeated exposure to the same people and that can be any activity that you enjoy. Book clubs are a good way in because of the emotional analysis that is part of the discussion about your favorite author.

 

If you have children use them to your advantage to engage other mothers. If you love animals volunteer at the local shelter. You'll be among friends and maybe your new best friend will be there.

 

Best Wishes

[knockout33]

I know how you feel, I used to feel the same way. Just go out and do stuff that interests you. Try meetup.com. I do it and its fun. Or search online for stuff you like, I think ya, you just have to put youself out there.

[preraph]

Thank you for your advice. I’m not old though. I have just found that people don’t seem to think of myself as approachable. They claim that they think I’m intimidating. I have somewhat of a strong personality and I’m always joking so maybe that is why I attract very superficial relationships with people who only like me to entertain them or be of use to vent to. It’s hard to get deep bonds. I’ll try to have more realistic expectations. Thank you.

 

So stop joking as much, especially if any of those jokes are personal attack type jokes where you then have to say "only joking."

 

A simple smile can stop you from being intimidating, but if your strong personality is found to be abrasive, you will have to change that.