Still dealing with it years later

[major_merrick]

I forgot about it most of the day. I often do, but it managed to get back to me before day's end. Perhaps it is why I'm in an aggressive mood.

Today is the anniversary of the suicide of a friend. We weren't super close best friends, but her loss affected me because she made the world a better, kinder place. She survived sexual assault, only to take her own life a few months later. My husband loved her so much, and losing her nearly killed him.

 

IDK why, but sometimes you never get over it. It was half my life ago, when I was a teenager. I don't cry anymore. I think my husband might, but I don't. It makes me angry. Growing up where we did, it was like we were at war: No victories, just casualties. No armies, just kids clinging to each other in the face of a world that only offered pain and rejection.

 

Today, I remember my friend and comrade. And it hurts.

[Cersei]

Sorry to hear you are hurting. She must have been very special.

Take care.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm sorry to read this, mm.

 

Also sorry to read that it sounds as if you had some rough growing-up years!

 

Once the anniversary is over, do you compartmentalize and set your feelings aside until the next year?

 

Asking because I was wondering if it would be helpful for you to post more about it. Such as to whether or not you discussed it with your husband. Or maybe you felt it best not to discuss it with him.

[major_merrick]

I mostly compartmentalize, as does my husband. But on days like today, it resurfaces. I find it hard to write about. I write on this forum as a way of coalescing my thoughts. Sometimes I end up arguing with others...and that probably isn't all that healthy. I've tried writing professionally, but didn't get much of anywhere with it. Our past is what made us who we are, and I wonder if an inability to deal with the past means an inability to deal with who we are now. We came from a violent place. We don't talk about it much because the memories are just too strong. He hasn't mentioned it today, and went to sleep while I sit up awake. I fully expect his usual insomnia and nightmares to return. He is quite stable during the daytime, it all comes out at night.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I mostly compartmentalize, as does my husband. But on days like today, it resurfaces. I find it hard to write about. I write on this forum as a way of coalescing my thoughts. Sometimes I end up arguing with others...and that probably isn't all that healthy. I've tried writing professionally, but didn't get much of anywhere with it. Our past is what made us who we are, and I wonder if an inability to deal with the past means an inability to deal with who we are now. We came from a violent place. We don't talk about it much because the memories are just too strong. He hasn't mentioned it today, and went to sleep while I sit up awake. I fully expect his usual insomnia and nightmares to return. He is quite stable during the daytime, it all comes out at night.

 

Thanks for responding, mm. It may have been easier for you not to do so but you made the effort. There is so much in your above paragraph I hardly know how to comment on it.

 

When we are commenting on issues on LS sometimes we forget how different all of our lives have been from each other.

 

I'm sorry to read about the violence you've witnessed and possibly received in the past. So sorry also to read about your husband's insomnia and nightmares.

 

You must be so looking forward to giving your baby a quiet and peaceful life. Live is smiling at you with such a gift!

[major_merrick]

L-W-P,

While some part of me wants to live a quiet peaceful life, my experience tells me that it never lasts forever. Most peace is obtained in bits and pieces, and is the exception for people like me rather than the norm. I'd love for my daughter and my unborn twins to be able to live in peace. In reality, I know I have to raise them as warriors to be able face what's coming.

 

My husband sees the world in Apocalyptic terms, and says it is a "valley of tears." He also has a hope that when God comes back everything will be made new. While I joined his religion when we married, I still have lots of questions and the world doesn't always make sense. I don't have the hope that he has...still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

It drives me crazy that the best people like my friend are taken away, and good people like my husband suffer. At least I've dished out as much crap as I've received, so my portion makes some sense.

[amaysngrace]

I’m sorry that you’re hurting. Maybe her death anniversary reminds you of that time period and all the pain you experienced up till then so the day is much more symbolic than just the passing of a friend?

 

Maybe your grief goes much deeper than that which would be totally understandable considering some of the things you’ve shared here.

[LivingWaterPlease]

L-W-P,

While some part of me wants to live a quiet peaceful life, my experience tells me that it never lasts forever. Most peace is obtained in bits and pieces, and is the exception for people like me rather than the norm. I'd love for my daughter and my unborn twins to be able to live in peace. In reality, I know I have to raise them as warriors to be able face what's coming.

 

My husband sees the world in Apocalyptic terms, and says it is a "valley of tears." He also has a hope that when God comes back everything will be made new. While I joined his religion when we married, I still have lots of questions and the world doesn't always make sense. I don't have the hope that he has...still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

It drives me crazy that the best people like my friend are taken away, and good people like my husband suffer. At least I've dished out as much crap as I've received, so my portion makes some sense.

 

You're going to have twins! How exciting, mm! Surely you'll be able to give your twins a better childhood than you had! I believe you said you live in a rural community, which, imo, is great for kids to grow up in!

 

Yes, life can be pretty rough for most of us at different times and in different ways! But for some, it seems super rough and so unfair.

 

My childhood was rough, too, probably in different ways than yours was. I pretty much had ptsd from it, was suicidal from the age of 10-late 40s.

 

So, yes, I know what your friend went through as far as being suicidal because I went through times when getting through the next minute was a victory!

 

I don't mean to preach to you so will just say it simply:

 

Having a consistent daily relationship with Jesus Christ (when I had nowhere else to turn) healed me. One day I was sitting on my porch and realized, "I'm no longer depressed!" I also believe God will make His followers mighty warriors! He can prepare your little ones for wherever their paths lead and whatever they may encounter! Just pray for them!

 

I had to chuckle that you said you dished out as much as you received! You sure have the gift of spunk! Hopefully at least one of your twins will have it, too! Seems to me it's a major thing that makes the world go 'round! Maybe second only to love!

[major_merrick]

I am kind of surprised that I'm still dealing with it this morning. I finally crashed about 2am, and usually sleeping shifts things for me. I was super glad that my husband was off work today for a doctor's appointment...I got some of the intimacy I needed this morning. Not quite enough, though.

 

I've never understood the comforting aspect of religion. I listen to our apostle's sermons weekly, I listen to my husband's teaching, but the whole idea of a personal relationship with someone you can't see raises a lot more questions than answers. I know you can go around and around with the philosophical/theological issues of the "problem of evil." All I've got is personal experience. Where was God when I was getting beaten? Where was God when my friend was getting raped? Where was God when my husband was shot? Where was His comfort when my husband held an innocent murder victim in his arms, trying his best to give that total stranger some peace as she died? Why is it that someone valuable and beautiful like that gets thrown away like a piece of trash?

 

 

Then I see God do healings, fix people up, and help people through. It isn't God's help or the lack of God's help that bothers me...it is the inconsistency. Why does one person get a miraculous fix for cancer, and another equally deserving person does not? It makes for an incredible case of survivor's guilt.

[amaysngrace]

Do you believe in the afterlife, major merrick?

 

I’m Christian so I believe Jesus suffered and died for our sins so that we can receive forgiveness and be welcomed into Heaven. Jesus suffered immensely, and knowing that helps me makes sense of my own suffering because being able to identify with Jesus on that level only serves to strengthen my faith.

 

Knowing God loved Jesus, son of God, and knowing Jesus suffered makes me never doubt God’s love for me even if he has sat silently by.

 

I also celebrate the end of this life because I believe we go on to someplace better, to go be with Jesus in Heaven.

 

Is this your faith too?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It isn't God's help or the lack of God's help that bothers me...it is the inconsistency. Why does one person get a miraculous fix for cancer, and another equally deserving person does not?

 

I'm really sorry for the anniversary of your friend's suicide. I'm sure that is hard. I've never lost anyone close to me from suicide so I can't even imagine the mix of feelings....

 

It would be very difficult to have faith in God if you're the type of person who needs answers/justification for everything that happens in life and/or you expect life to be fair. Part of faith is accepting we will never know why God allows things, but trusting that He has a reason. I actually had this conversation with one of my BFFs about 2 years ago....she's a Christian counselor, teacher, speaker at retreats, writer.... I asked her, in an email, why it was she thought some of us who have been through a lot in our lives don't lose our faith, don't get angry/blame God, and some do. Here's some of what she said:

 

I was reading in Ephesians.....and it speaks of

'a root, deeply held in the love of God." ..... A perfect love that is executed in perfect wisdom. Not the way the world defines love which is emotional and self-serving. It is refining, enduring, long suffering....It doesn't lessen in power, ever. And it does not give us what we deserve but sometimes allows what we wouldn't choose for ourselves.

 

...most people do not want to really embrace the greater purpose of life. They want to stop short with cheap thrills and the pursuit of happiness. But God has always had something in mind that is far more meaningful and profound: becoming like him and doing his work here. That doesn't mean being a missionary. It means being his presence here--- forgiving someone, being generous as he was, loving someone when they have hurt you, being a good listener, being kind to the person at Acme packing up your stuff, loving your kids enough to give them boundaries, being there for your sister after all this **** hits the fan and she needs you....these things are his good presence here. It's a life-changing way of seeing your day to day. .....

 

Like John the Baptist said, "LESS OF ME, MORE OF HIM." That doesn't happen laying on the beach while sipping a nice drink (though there is nothing wrong with that!). His way has always been the way of surrender, suffering and weakness. He knows that just as Jesus lived in that way and needed God every moment, we also need suffering to know we need God and to find him most bright in darkness. However, if we have fallen for the lie that God owes us a "good" life (according to our definition), then we will be mad at him. Tim Keller (who is one of my favorites on this topic) says that we have come to live our lives with the subtle misunderstanding that God is here to orbit around us, but in fact we are made to orbit around him. Meaning we are here FOR him. But we have it all wrong. We think God is about giving us a life of comfort and ease. Yet he never had that and he never promised it! He was rejected by his dearest friends at his worst time of suffering; he was naked and totally shamed on the cross; he was physically tortured on a level that few of us will understand; he was hungry, lonely, thirsty and poor. The means to live, would always be to lose life (to lose all that hinders us which is typically comfort, ease, wealth, and control). When we have all that, we tend to forget him (Deut 8). So, if I understand that satisfaction comes from knowing I am loved by God (which only happens if I am aware of my sin and cannot even fathom that he would love me and die to cover all this ****) then I want to live in light of him. My vision for life is different and my hope is heaven, not this sesspool down here. I come to EXPECT hardship and find him down here in it with me.

 

It must be that you must trust him fundamentally in a way that others don't. And in some ways, I do believe it is a gift, because scripture talks about the gift of faith. So we can ask for it. Paul says to Timothy in 2 Timothy 1 to fan the flame that was started in him years ago from his mom and grandmother.

 

I went to church on Sunday (I rarely go) and the pastor was talking about this very thing. He shared that when his grandmother was dying of Parkinson's he would pray every day for her either to be healed or for God to just take her home. But time dragged on and on and neither happened even though he prayed every day. One day he felt God saying to him, "What if she's still here because she's interceding in prayer for you and your family every day? And the nursing home staff, and....(whomever)..." We don't know. God knows.

 

Final thought....I think you should write a memoir.

[major_merrick]

Do you believe in the afterlife, major merrick?

 

 

I have always believed in some kind of afterlife. I grew up in a mixed Christian/pagan household, although my parents were terrible examples of both. My husband has always been a Christian. I always looked forward to an afterlife sort of like Valhalla. Until I turned 30, I expected to die young and die in battle. "Live by the sword, die by the sword" the Bible says - I've always been fine with that. Now that I'm in my early 30's and I've lived longer than I thought I would, it becomes a bit more confusing.

 

I have no concept of what heaven is like. I suspect streets of gold are a metaphor, rather than an actual description. Even if I trust God enough that He will let me in, who's to say the whole thing isn't a racket? And what about my friend? Lots of people say that those who kill themselves are condemned. My husband doesn't believe that, but there's doubt there. My GF#1 tells me that God is merciful, and that she could be forgiven even in the moment of death. I've never found something that explains it.

 

 

It would be very difficult to have faith in God if you're the type of person who needs answers/justification for everything that happens in life and/or you expect life to be fair. Part of faith is accepting we will never know why God allows things, but trusting that He has a reason.

 

I come to EXPECT hardship and find him down here in it with me.

 

 

Final thought....I think you should write a memoir.

 

 

Yes, I expect things to make some kind of rational sense. If they don't, then life itself is just absurd. I don't expect life to be fair. I do expect it to either have a pattern, or be totally absurd. Can't have both. And I can't trust without a rational, proven track record. I trust my husband because of almost 20 years of friendship and seeing how he acts. I know him, and I can predict him. I know his strengths and his flaws. I cannot say the same for God, who is an unknown without a pattern that makes sense. I can believe in the existence of God, Jesus, etc... but relying on the good intentions of such a deity is a different matter.

 

If I tried to write a memoir, I wouldn't get very far. There's too much in the past that I have trouble facing. Stuff I couldn't even begin to tell people who haven't been there. Too much that I try to bury and forget about. Most days, it works! Recently, not so much. Perhaps pregnancy hormones are driving me nuts?

[amaysngrace]

Eventually it bubbles up to the surface no matter how much we try to keep it down. I don’t think it’s hormones as much as it being like you said, that by denying your past you’re denying yourself now since the past made you who you are today.

 

You probably have a lot to be processed but I wouldn’t recommend you go it alone. Some things may be hard to think about and painful to think about because it just hurts so much, it’s why we block them out, but the good news is that you’ve already lived through it and survived it. That’s definitely the worst part.

 

But thinking about it, remembering and re-living it all is no picnic either. You’re going to need a lot of support to deal with it all and you need to do it on your own terms and at your own pace.

 

One thing I can say it’s definitely worth doing. Being present in the moment is a beautiful thing. But you have to be ready to go there in your head and only you can decide that for you.

 

I wish you the best.

[major_merrick]

Well, I just hope I can put it back under the surface soon. It is weird for me that I'm the one dealing with the issues more right now. Usually my husband gets the worst of it. I can't figure out what brought all this to the surface, and why I can't get it to go away again where it belongs.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe you’re meant to give it some thought now rather than push it back down as usual.

 

Maybe it’s time.

[major_merrick]

Time for what, though? What good does all this do?

 

 

Yesterday, I thought I was getting over it and life was going back to normal. Today I went to morning service with my husband and family. I got through the singing part ok, but our apostle had to talk about the meaning of suffering during the sermon. I totally lost it and cried. Looked like a fool in front of everybody.

 

At least my community isn't like churches where its "OMG no public affection." I just curled up in my husband's arms like a kid for the rest of service. Just awful. I hate looking weak and I hate looking like a crazy person.

[amaysngrace]

You don’t strike me as one who cares much what other people think, but I could be wrong.

 

You’re a very strong person regardless. You’d have to be to survive your past. And your past alone is enough to make anybody crazy. You’re not though.

 

I don’t know all the specifics but I do know that whatever happened to you was not your fault. You were just a kid just getting by the best way you knew how.

 

You’re so blessed to have your husband and your baby and two more on the way! If all the crap gets too heavy put it down. You’ve been carrying it a long time and there’s so much good in your life now that you can focus on instead.

 

But if you’re overwhelmed you may want to consider seeing someone about it. There’s no shame in that. The shame was what was done to you, how you were treated, and shame on anybody who has put you in a bad place. You were just a kid and they should’ve known better.

 

But you don’t look weak to anybody. You can trust me on that. In fact, you seem pretty badass to me.

[Wallysbears]

Sending you love from a virtual stranger. But you strike me as a person with a very kind heart.

 

I don't profess to be of any particular religion. I believe in God, was raised Catholic and even taught for a while in a Baptist elementary school. I've found a "home" at times in a non-denominational Christian church.

 

For the bigger questions you ask...I don't think there are any answers. I think sometimes, religion wants to push us too far into deciphering what "God" intended. And i sort of envision God sitting back somewhere going "I didn't mean for you (humans) to take this so seriously"

 

As for why bad things happen? My only answer to that is free will. Not that God wants bad things to happen...but that God allows free will...and that free will causes some humans to cause harm to others. God in whatever form can't be constantly interfering and stopping harm to come to humans. Otherwise, what would be the point of giving us, humans, free will and choices? It would be like giving us guns and only blanks in them.

 

I don't know the answer. I just know I believe in love. And trying my best to be a good person and to freely show love to people. Love is the opposite of evil. I think as humans, that's the best we can do.

 

Not sure if any of my rambling will help you at all. But I wanted to share with you and I hope you find a better day today.

[major_merrick]

Thanks, you guys, for the reassurance. Every little bit helps

 

I did actually see a counselor a few years ago, when I first started my relationship with my GF#1. I had to become a bit more gentle in order to keep her. Unfortunately, I guess my issues were too much for the counselor. She ended up referring me to someone else that she thought had more experience. I didn't really get along with that person, so I kind of quit. Did I break a therapist? ROTFL

 

Right now, I wouldn't really be able to function without my husband and without Wife #4. They understand me pretty well. I was able to go to work today and had a decent day, so I wonder if I need to get out more and work from home so much?

[amaysngrace]

For me being busy is a great thing. Too much quiet time alone with my thoughts for too long usually always leads me down a bad path.

 

It’s good to hear you had a better day!

[Wallysbears]

Working from home is hard on many of us. I'm having to do it right now because of some issues with my son's preschool where I need to be nearby...but it is SO emotionally draining being basically alone all day (except with my senior citizen mother who can be draining on my in her own way)

 

I try to get out once a day to at least go for a walk and get some sunshine and say hi to some neighbors and such.

 

Can you make a point to get outside a bit even working from home?

[major_merrick]

I bounce back and forth between wanting to work at home and wanting to work at the office. I want to be home to be closer to my daughter. But, when the other people at home are Wife #1 and sometimes Wife #2, then it gets stressful. And I get moody, so then I want to go to the office. I can't win either way I guess

Today, I did both. I stayed home this morning, but by lunchtime I was feeling down. I had lunch with my husband at his office, and then I went to my job and stayed there for a couple of hours before going back home. I know it is a waste of gas on an unnecessary commute, but I just didn't see a way around it. I really didn't want to let my husband and Wife #4 go this morning - I was so warm and comfy and happy and then reality set in.

[major_merrick]

Today I remember another comrade I lost - my cousin. She and I were the same age growing up, and very close. We went everywhere together, and she even dated my husband for a while. She died at 18, of injuries sustained in a car accident. I still remember the energy she had. She nearly survived her injuries, and was even sassy enough to toss a bowl of Jello at one of the nurses in the hospital the day before she died. She never got to see her little brother, who was born a few months later. She was so looking forward to being a big sister. Life just isn't fair.

Edited May 5, 2019 by major_merrick