Where do you put your anger?

[Fair]

My ex... who finally quit driving past my house, by the way (different threat) came around at a time when I was struggling (anxiety disorder) with the sole intent of taking advantage of my vulnerability to see what he could get out of it. He didn't care a bit that I'd lost two family members, was grieving and was ill. He treated me so BADLY.

 

At the time of the break up I said nothing. I didn't cry, scream, yell or carry on. I didn't say anything. I just opened the door for him and shut it in his face and never opened it again.

 

That was probably the most powerful way to react and I'm proud of myself for it. But since then I find I'm still dealing with HUGE amounts of anger over the way he treated me because I didn't get anything off my chest when I had the chance.

 

To make matters worse, I'm still discovering things missing that he stole from my house. I want to tear him to shreds. Meanwhile, he's walking around with everyone believing he's such a NICE GUY, carrying around this false persona I want to shatter along with his face. I just feel so used and humiliated and want to make him pay.

 

It's very hard for me to drive the distance it takes to go for counselling. I still have anxiety that's still fairly crippling. I don't have a family or really any close friends. I've never been able to vent and I suppose that's why it still bothers me so much.

 

I can't imagine what women do with their anger who have endured thirty, forty or even fifty years of betrayals by lousy husbands... I only dated this guy for four months although he was around for a year altogether. Maybe if I just rant about it here it will help.

 

How do the rest of you deal with betrayal and anger. Maybe your suggestions will help.

[basil67]

Time. It's the only way I know how to deal with anger.

 

I would also caution you to not make assumptions about his intent. It could be because of any number of twisted reasons. Glad he's given up stalking you.

[amaysngrace]

Write a letter. Don’t send it.

 

At least you’ve gotten it out on paper.

[littleblackheart]

Talking it out with family or friends, health professionals, so as to get it out of my system.

Taking my kids out for something fun to do.

Looking at other people's problems to help put mine in perspective, and being grateful for what I have.

 

Essentially, actively looking for anything that would help get back to being positive.

 

I find that positivity breeds positivity.

[stillafool]

Write a letter. Don’t send it.

 

At least you’ve gotten it out on paper.

 

I agree with this. Write down everything you wanted to say to your ex but don't mail it. It's very therapeutic.

[alphamale]

How do the rest of you deal with betrayal and anger. Maybe your suggestions will help.

 

I go for long walks and think about things...I used to get rid of my anger by taking Xanax, drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes up until 4 years ago when I quit all three

[GorillaTheater]

Hang a heavy bag (as in the boxing/martial arts type, not a Hefty bag full of rocks) from a rafter and beat the ever-loving Sweet Jesus out of it. Be sure to wear sparring gloves.

 

Nothing better to work out your anger on.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Talking it out with friends and family, prayer, time, getting busy on a project!

 

Everything that goes 'round comes 'round, for sure. He'll reap what he's sown and you can believe if he's done it to you, he's done it to others!

[amaysngrace]

^ gorilla theater

 

My exH swore that method is the reason he punched holes in walls when he use to get upset.

 

His dad use to make him handle anger that way growing up.

 

He even hung one in our house at one point. I left it there for him when we left for good.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Time, journaling (not just about your anger, but about things you're thankful/happy about to refocus your brain), listening to Christian music, volunteer....

[GorillaTheater]

Damn.

 

I guess the hole point is to hit something designed to be hit and not an alternate way to approach DIY residential demolition.

 

Sorry to bring up a bad memory, Grace.

[amaysngrace]

Could just be a bullsht story GT. Most of them were.

[Fair]

@ amaysngrace

 

I'm going to try that, thanks.

[FMW]

I love strapping on gloves and going at a heavy bag! Great exercise and stress relief. With every jab or hook I think about whatever issue is upsetting me at the time. Works wonders!

 

And by the way, I'm a 54 year old woman who doesn't even raise her voice in anger, so it's not something only aggressive and violent people do

[preraph]

I can't brag about how well I handled anger, as mine lasted way too long, but I can tell you the ways I've handled it. One is Megadeth "In My Darkest Hour" played in the car and just blow it out, but that's for like workday stresses of some big magnitude.

 

My time of stress, I couldn't scream it off because it scared my rescue dog, so I had to do it in the car, and I did. I'd get in the car and just scream and scream. Scream therapy, you know.

 

The other thing I did that helped was water aerobics boxing. They make tools for that now, but back then, it was just empty gallon milk jugs, and you just boxed underwater with them as hard as you could. It really did release a LOT of tension on my poor stressed body. My aerobics teacher pulled me aside and realized I had a lot of rage and just out of nowhere told me I should get in touch with my roots or heritage or something, like it was just a message she felt she should deliver. And that was unrelated as best I know to my rage, but still, it was weird she had some spiritual thing to tell me out of nowhere, and the boxing helped a lot.

[Fair]

It seems like the crappiest people always get away with everything. They work so hard at putting on this fake damned act for the world that everyone falls for it.

[guest569]

I find that doing something physical helps.. Running, walking, outdoors, dancing, even puzzles or something. Meditation although I don't have the patience.

 

Yes time as mentioned.. I have less anger now but I know it might creep in again later. At 2am when I can't sleep and boil with rage and cry. Ugh.

[Fair]

I find that doing something physical helps.. Running, walking, outdoors, dancing, even puzzles or something. Meditation although I don't have the patience.

 

Yes time as mentioned.. I have less anger now but I know it might creep in again later. At 2am when I can't sleep and boil with rage and cry. Ugh.

 

2 a.m is a bad time.

[basil67]

A bit a paracetamol can be really soothing at 2am

[Highndry]

Not sure if you drink coffee or anything caffeinated, but I think it adds to stress/anger. Sometimes it's good to cut back.

[OatsAndHall]

I know you stated that getting t counseling would be difficult for you but I suggest that you find a way to make that work. A good therapist will be able to help you cope with your anger AND you anxiety.

 

 

 

I know that my own high anxiety level fed into my anger towards my ex-wife when we first split. Something would remind me of her, our marriage, our situation (etc..), I'd become extremely anxious and that anxiety would manifest itself in anger. I didn't truly get a handle on it until I sat down with a therapist and built some better coping skills for my anxiety. My anger dissipated greatly once I started to put down the anxiety using the new coping skills my therapist taught me. I had a few coping skills and techniques before my divorce but they weren't enough for me to handle the anxiety and anger caused by the whole circus.

 

 

 

Plus, I found that it was better for me to vent to a therapist than family and friends. Venting to family and friends is a good thing but it back fired on me more than a few times. Some of them would inadvertently feed into my anger and anxiety by trashing her or bringing things up that she did while others would try to "fix" the situation. My therapist just let me vent and then we worked through the things I needed to work through.