What does it mean saying "You deserve better than me"?

[Newheregirl]

I've met this guy months ago and we have been dating.

 

He's the type of guy that puts in a lot of effort in a short amount of time (taking me on dates, planning stuff, wanting to do stuff for me, etc), and then when feels comfortable, becomes completely the opposite: lazy and not putting any effort, just wants to stay on the sofa watching tv and sleeping together.

 

So we have been in the cycling pattern of me telling him I don't like that, and I want a man who is consistent in his behaviour, to him being scared of losing me and making a big effort again, to go back to being lazy after a while, and me telling him again and so on, which was exhausting.

 

So last week he broke up with me, saying he cannot be there 100% as I deserve, and that I need to find a man who can do that for me, and is not him.

 

I was shocked by this. He used to say he loves me very much, so why didn't he put in the effort in a consistent way instead of telling me to find someone else?

[ExpatInItaly]

He knows he’s not as into you as you are into him. This, he knows he isn’t the right guy for you.

[Newheregirl]

He knows he’s not as into you as you are into him. This, he knows he isn’t the right guy for you.

 

When you say "I love you" to someone, that means you're into them, right? Otherwise don't say that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It means he can't, or doesn't want to, put the effort into meeting your needs. Your legitimate needs you're entitled to have and not settle for less.

[Newheregirl]

It means he can't, or doesn't want to, put the effort into meeting your needs. Your legitimate needs you're entitled to have and not settle for less.

 

Yes but he knows how to put in effort because he does it every time he wants to lure me in again. It's not that he is dumb. He just doesn't want to do it consistently because probably is all a show he puts in and not who he really is.

[d0nnivain]

The effort is the show. The lazy is who he really is. "You deserve better" is a classic cliché white lie sort of like "it's not you, it's me" designed to soften the blow of the break up. Let him go.

 

Just be careful that your expectations are in check with all relationships . . . the whirlwind romance of the beginning is not sustainable on a daily basis. Things do fade & simmer down as the years roll along & life gets in the way. My "big date" with DH last night was going to the accountant to do the taxes & eating fast food at 10 pm before falling exhausted into bed with a spring cold. Not exactly romantic.

[Newheregirl]

The effort is the show. The lazy is who he really is. "You deserve better" is a classic cliché white lie sort of like "it's not you, it's me" designed to soften the blow of the break up. Let him go.

 

Just be careful that your expectations are in check with all relationships . . . the whirlwind romance of the beginning is not sustainable on a daily basis. Things do fade & simmer down as the years roll along & life gets in the way. My "big date" with DH last night was going to the accountant to do the taxes & eating fast food at 10 pm before falling exhausted into bed with a spring cold. Not exactly romantic.

 

I believe life is all about balance. I don't expect a man to make his whole life around me and do special dates and effort every single day, because that's not reality.

 

And sometimes "going to the accountant to do the taxes & eating fast food at 10 pm before falling exhausted into bed with a spring cold." might not be exactly romantic, but it is real.

 

And another day you can have the romantic date.

 

With this guy on the other hand it was all or nothing. And I guess the effort was just the show and he is the lazy one.

[d0nnivain]

Part of dating is learning about each other. You learned he puts on a good act. So you are now no longer dating him.

[stillafool]

 

With this guy on the other hand it was all or nothing. And I guess the effort was just the show and he is the lazy one.

 

He's admitting he's lazy and that is why he said "you deserve better than me". He no longer wants to put in any effort so he let you go.

[Newheregirl]

He's admitting he's lazy and that is why he said "you deserve better than me". He no longer wants to put in any effort so he let you go.

 

A man who admits he's lazy, what a turn off. I'm sorry for the next woman getting involved with him.

[stillafool]

A man who admits he's lazy, what a turn off. I'm sorry for the next woman getting involved with him.

 

Yeah he was trying to turn you off and it worked. You do deserve better and will find it.

[alphamale]

I was shocked by this. He used to say he loves me very much, so why didn't he put in the effort in a consistent way instead of telling me to find someone else?

 

he used you for sex and then wanted out of the "relationship"

[amaysngrace]

What he said was probably true.

[loversquarrel]

Translation "you aren't what I'm looking for and only worth the effort once in a while so I can keep getting sex from you. I am now tired of the sex from you so now I must move on to someone new because you nag me to much about effort."

[ExpatInItaly]

When you say "I love you" to someone, that means you're into them, right? Otherwise don't say that.

 

Ideally, yes.

 

But people’s feelings sometimes change. And sometimes “I love you” just doesn’t mean the same thing to one person as it does to the other.

 

Words are easy to say. It’s someone’s actions that indicate if the words are sincere.

[JuneL]

Yeah he was trying to turn you off and it worked. You do deserve better and will find it.

 

Did you reciprocate in terms of your efforts and planning dates? Did he complain that you’re lazy as well?

 

I understand it’s the man’s job to do more/most of the work during the early dating stage. But I’m not sure why he’s the only one responsible for planning dates and putting in efforts if you’ve been together for months.

Edited March 29, 2019 by JuneL

[Newheregirl]

Did you reciprocate in terms of your efforts and planning dates? Did he complain that you’re lazy as well?

 

I booked 2 romantic stays in a hotel, invited him out for lunch, took him with me to spend a day at the spa at my gym, and other things.

 

So no I am not lazy, if anything perhaps I'm quite the opposite and should back off to let a real man in and make the effort.

[Newheregirl]

Translation "you aren't what I'm looking for and only worth the effort once in a while so I can keep getting sex from you. I am now tired of the sex from you so now I must move on to someone new because you nag me to much about effort."

 

Probably it was all about the sex, yes. We did have a lot of sex, but little effort in anything else.

 

He wasn't even able to sustain an interesting conversation. It was either me talking most of the time, or silence if I didn't talk.

[elaine567]

Probably it was all about the sex, yes. We did have a lot of sex, but little effort in anything else.

 

He wasn't even able to sustain an interesting conversation. It was either me talking most of the time, or silence if I didn't talk.

 

Relationships need attraction and sex yes but there has also to be an intellectual union else it breaks down.

Is he silent because he is a quiet guy or because he has little in common with you so has nothing to say?

[Newheregirl]

Relationships need attraction and sex yes but there has also to be an intellectual union else it breaks down.

Is he silent because he is a quiet guy or because he has little in common with you so has nothing to say?

 

He's just the way he is. He lives in his head and is closed off, and shows little effort to open up and talk.

 

He met a girlfriend of mine, and she said the same about him, that he doesn't talk much or makes an effort to keep the conversation flowing.

 

I need that intelectual stimulation and having deep conversations, not just superficial stuff.

[elaine567]

I need that intelectual stimulation and having deep conversations, not just superficial stuff.

Well, you know what you need to do...

This is not the guy for you.

[preraph]

He's being realistic. He was just entertaining long enough to snag a girlfriend, but all he really wants is to be lazy and have a girlfriend there when it's convenient. This is, sadly, not uncommon. So this is the real him, and he's not for you.

 

Don't feel bad. This is what dating is all about. You have to date someone long enough to see who they really are before diving into a commitment with them. Just know that most people are going to be on their best fake behavior the first month or two at least. So my advice on dating is to show who you are after a first few restrained dates (meaning not putting out too much personal info too soon or letting your emotions take off on their own for no reason) but then not prod the guy so that you can see who he is sooner rather than later. See, he kept it up for awhile because you let him know what you liked and expected, but if you had just sit back and waited to see what he did when it was up to him, you'd have noticed much earlier that he isn't who you want to be with and isn't your type of energy person. He will find someone more suited to him, as will you.

 

Anytime a guy says he isn't good enough for you, believe him. In this case, he's just being honest that it's too much trouble for him to be who you wish he was. He's not that person.

Edited March 29, 2019 by preraph

[Newheregirl]

He's being realistic. He was just entertaining long enough to snag a girlfriend, but all he really wants is to be lazy and have a girlfriend there when it's convenient. This is, sadly, not uncommon. So this is the real him, and he's not for you.

 

Don't feel bad. This is what dating is all about. You have to date someone long enough to see who they really are before diving into a commitment with them. Just know that most people are going to be on their best fake behavior the first month or two at least. So my advice on dating is to show who you are after a first few restrained dates (meaning not putting out too much personal info too soon or letting your emotions take off on their own for no reason) but then not prod the guy so that you can see who he is sooner rather than later. See, he kept it up for awhile because you let him know what you liked and expected, but if you had just sit back and waited to see what he did when it was up to him, you'd have noticed much earlier that he isn't who you want to be with and isn't your type of energy person. He will find someone more suited to him, as will you.

 

Anytime a guy says he isn't good enough for you, believe him. In this case, he's just being honest that it's too much trouble for him to be who you wish he was. He's not that person.

 

I did sit back and waited in the beginning, I only told him what I liked and expected much later on, when he started being lazy.

 

In the beginning he was awesome, putting in a LOT of effort, and I remember even thinking at the time that cannot be sustainable in the long term (my intuition was kicking in).

 

I guess I am very genuine and I don't put up a fake persona in the beginning of dating. I am who I am all the time, what you see is what you get. And maybe I'm being naive in thinking others are the same. Or maybe the right match for me IS a guy who is genuine too from the start.

 

Yes he basically wanted a girlfriend to be there when is convenient for him. But I am a person, not an object you pick up from the shelf to use when you feel like it.

 

I think my mistake was also in getting involved with him too soon without properly knowing him. Your hormones lead you to believe you know that person, when in reality you don't.

 

I gave him a chance to step up but he doesn't want to, and so yes I believe him and appreciate his honesty (at least in the end he was honest), and am ready to put this behind me and create space for the right person.

 

Just need some time to heal and move on I guess.

[MyNamesGeoff]

You projected what you wanted a man to be onto him. He was a different guy who didn't like the pressure you put on him to change into something he is not. "You deserve better" is his way of saying, you are looking for a different man than who he is and what he has to offer.

 

I wouldn't go into a relationship trying to shape and mold a man into what you want him to be like, find someone who already has the qualities you are seeking. Or at the very least; if they don't have those qualities, they show genuine interests in growing in the areas you mentioned.

 

Once you two got to know each other, you realized you wanted someone different. He simply was the first one to acknowledged that he wasn't what you were looking for and didn't like feeling pressured to be something he was not. He also acknowledged that it wasn't something he was fully interested in becoming.

 

This isn't to say you two didn't have feelings for each other or genuinely care about each other, but it wasn't a good match. Him changing would be a constant issue in the relationship because he didn't want to be something he was not. He acknowledged he didn't want to change because he wasn't interested in pursuing the relationship any further. It could never have become something better since he was no longer interested in being a part of the relationship.

 

It is neither of your guys faults, he wasn't what you wanted. You weren't what he wanted. Perhaps there is a man out there, and you will consistently enjoy who they are, as they are. An if you want them to change, they share that same genuine interest to work with you to meet those relationship goals. I'm sure there are men more in tune with you and share same interests in those parts of the relationship that you see as essential.

 

Sorry if I am blunt. This is my 2 cents.

[Lotsgoingon]

Use your time with this guy to update your dating software ... just to be a bit more cautious. Don't over-correct as they say ... but a guy gets super lazy like this ... you want to hit pause right away.

 

You know you like an active person ... I gotta tell you this guy reminds me of myself when I was younger ... and I had not a clue as to what was going on. I could energetically put up an act for a few weeks or so ... and then yes, I would get super lazy ... Took me a while to figure out that I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship ...

 

Be grateful ... anytime someone tells you they are "lazy" (don't know if he exactly said this) or that you are "better" than him ... or that they aren't good enough for you ... Believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are speaking a valuable truth. And run ... hit the brakes and run right away.

 

And on the "I love you" you have to be careful in how you interpret that.

 

What guys like this guy meant was "as a human being, I love you ... and I knowledge that you are a great person." Doesn't mean "I want to live my life with you. I'm spectacularly happy to be with you." Love" is a fungible word, has many many shades of meaning.

 

Don't let someone saying "I love you" determine how you judge them. You want the person to say that for sure ... but also act in a way that works for you in the relationship. Don't read any great commitment in the words "I love you."