FITT5559 Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) [previous thread https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/668758-mw-mm-1-1-2-years] Hello All... MOW having an affair with a MOM for almost 2 years. I have been married for 36 years and he has been married for 33 years. This is my first, and only, affair. This is his second affair, although he has had NSA sex with other women throughout his marriage. I want out! I don't want to love him anymore! I don't want him to love me anymore! I hate the roller coaster! I want to go back to my life the way it was before I met him. My husband is bi/gay, but I don't care. He loves me, takes good care of me, is a wonderful father, and we have a beautiful life. I am having a hard time making the final break. I get sucked back into the affair every time. I am addicted to the desire he has for me. I am addicted to how he responds to me. I am addicted to the feelings I get when I'm with him. But I want out! And he is experiencing the same feelings as me except he doesn't want to end this. I feel like I am torturing myself! Why can't I just move on and away from him. Please! Any advice is welcome! Edited March 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added link to previous thread Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 It is indeed similar to an addiction. One thing that might help a little is reading up on the brain chemistry involved. It can help a bit to understand that unusual parts of your brain are activated by all this. Just posted this in another thread, but here they are for you also: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...our-brain-love https://www.vox.com/2015/2/12/8025525/love-neuroscience 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Thank you so much for this...I will read it now! Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 @mark, very helpful links right there. @Fitt, you have to start the NC process for some it's a weaning off stage (that's what I needed) for others it's a full rip of the bandaid. I couldn't handle him being out of my life Forever for I was in fear that I would miss him for a lifetime. So do what works for you!! You seem unhappy with the situation right now so it's the best time to tear away from it. I understand the emotional attachment it's the hardest part. However how many more years do you want to waste in the same dilemma there is no good outcome. Wishing you peace with all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Thank you, Naivewomen. I believe that NC will be the best for me because everytime I have any contact with him I get pulled right back in. Are there any forums and threads that I can read that would be helpful with the breaking off an affair. Could anyone lead me in the right direction? Thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Honestly the best way to do it, is be polite and genuine with your feelings but be adamant. Meet with him in person if that's too tough for you speak over the phone. He must know that this affair is making you very unhappy and has potential to destroy your life. No need for further discussions or debate. Advise him that no contact is the only solution amd prepare yourself for the emotional trauma associated with that. It will be extremely tough breaking away but its necessary for your mental stability. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Thank you and I will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Well I did it. I told him that I could not continue this affair. I didn't want to lose my husband and family and that is what would happen if we ever got caught. I told him that even though we say that we love each other, it really is lust. I love my husband. He was upset but said that he would respect my decision. Told me that he loved me and was going to miss me. I am literally sick to my stomach. I know that this is something that I had to do, wanted to do, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to miss him too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 This website is great and has many helpful articles. https://www.goasksuzie.com/how-to-end-the-affair 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 If you love your husband tell him. You've been lying to him for years he deserves to have the opportunity to make an informed choice about his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Thank you, Aloha123! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Amethyst68, I don't understand what telling my husband is going to accomplish. He strayed from our marriage for years before I ever did, due to his sexuality. All this will do is hurt him. And if I tell him then I will also have to tell him that I know about his situation. I don't want be the one that outs him. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 No contact may be best since being face to face triggers your emotions. I know I have one ex who knew just what string to pull to make me sentimental for years, but I am happy to say, I'm wise to him now and not vulnerable in that way anymore. But you should at least do NC long enough to really be able to look back on what happened and why. And not keep on the rose-colored glasses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted March 31, 2019 Author Share Posted March 31, 2019 preraph, I am hoping to take the rose-colored glasses off for good. I have written down all the reasons I wanted to end this and every time a happy thought about him or us together comes in my head I read them. Fingers crossed! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 With your husband being gay, does that not mean he's always going to be stepping out of the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
MissJenniferX Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 (edited) If you have to, take the nuclear option. Tell the wife. Guarantee you with almost 100% certainty it will end. You are literally killing yourself from the inside. Forget how he feels. If he loved you, he'd be with you. You are his side and you have realized the truth. Get ready for the stages of mourning. That depression stage is awful. Talk to a counselor, seriously. This is how i dealt with PTSD from child abuse and you have PTSD. You have a trauma bond. I wrote on paper how I felt from day one to the end. I said what I wanted to say ton him. I said what I wanted to say but but could not form the words. I said what i wanted to scream. Each session I'd read the paper, then my therapist would have me burn it. This is a ritual. Do the same at home. Go to a quiet room or outside and sit on a blanket NOT associated with him, light white candles, or black, NOT red, and write. Write whatever you want then read it out loud. Read it to the heavens. The trees. Your dog. Your guardian angel. Just hear yourself say the words then, burn it in a fire proof bowl (a pot/pan made of cast iron will work) and as it's burned that thought is OVER. Breathe, and then wait until your brain wants to pour out more to write things down. Edited April 1, 2019 by MissJenniferX Link to post Share on other sites
Notagainplease Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Oh this is difficult... and you need to realize that even going NC now, may not lead to a clean cut. Especially when love and lust are still active, it is very hard to stick through. What usually works best I think, is working up some form of anger or disappointment. They give energy in a strange way, whereas mourning and sadness zap your energy and willpower. Is there a possibility to work up some indignation with your affair man? I used to look at photos of my MMs wife and children (I am in a long term relation myself but we have no kids, a conscious decision but forced upon us due to chronic illness). Every time I received sweet murmurs and vague promises from MM, I actively imagined him having a grand time during the weekend with his kids and wife. And I imagined how very easy it was for him to send those small messages, while actually living it up with his real family. I also worked up some anger over what he did to his wife, who I tried to hate but who actually seems sympathetic if I must be very honest; hard working, very responsible, picking him up when he is depressed again, always upbeat seeming. It hurts to see that (on social media etc), but then again; it is a reality wake up call too. I wasted 5 years with dreaming about MM and living towards our rare meet ups. It is like a bad spell, which distracts entirely from the real love in your life; your own partner. And guess what; once the spell of MM started to evaporate and I started to force myself to see him for what he really is (yes very charming and unique and intelligent but also a bit of a leech, a smooth talker, a person with depression who talks the talk but never walks the walk), I finally started to see my own man for who he really is. Anyway, back on topic: sometimes going NC is very difficult, especially when a pattern of contact has been established over time. For some people NC works best. For me, ongoing email contact works best but with a self imposed strict boundary; I am only acting as a friend now. No more visits (I never spoke that one out but have endless excuses not to meet up anymore), no more emotional heart to hearts. We just discuss the actualities of the day, the news, our own lols and memes now, so I have him still in my life, but I no longer hurt and suffer when I don't hear from him over the holidays and weekends. I cut down all expectations for more in myself. I cooled things down actively without having him cut out entirely of my life. So far this seems to work. I can't even imagine anymore that I was paralyzed with grief and fear for weeks when I didn't hear from him. It seems rather pathetic to me now actually. But just goes to show how deeply affected you can get from an affair. You know best what will work for you. I focus on the many good characteristics of my own man now, and I highlight the bad sides of my MM. And also, the in love feeling may have run its course in my case, frankly. Oh and I also read up a lot! I read so many posts and thread son here, firmly reminding myself how these affair patterns mostly all follow similar paths and end in similar bad fashion. I read up on obsession, I watched youtube videos on affairs and the specific handlings of my own MM. Good luck! Knowledge is power. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted April 2, 2019 Author Share Posted April 2, 2019 (edited) This is an interesting way to end the affair. As if you give yourself permission to have email contact with him then perhaps you won't want him as much. NC certainly makes me focus on not wanting any contact, so I'm thinking about him a bit too much. It's all so new to me and I'm trying to take it day to day. Thank you for your perspective. One size does not fit all! Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted April 2, 2019 Author Share Posted April 2, 2019 If you have to, take the nuclear option. Tell the wife. Guarantee you with almost 100% certainty it will end. You are literally killing yourself from the inside. Forget how he feels. If he loved you, he'd be with you. You are his side and you have realized the truth. Get ready for the stages of mourning. That depression stage is awful. Talk to a counselor, seriously. This is how i dealt with PTSD from child abuse and you have PTSD. You have a trauma bond. I wrote on paper how I felt from day one to the end. I said what I wanted to say ton him. I said what I wanted to say but but could not form the words. I said what i wanted to scream. Each session I'd read the paper, then my therapist would have me burn it. This is a ritual. Do the same at home. Go to a quiet room or outside and sit on a blanket NOT associated with him, light white candles, or black, NOT red, and write. Write whatever you want then read it out loud. Read it to the heavens. The trees. Your dog. Your guardian angel. Just hear yourself say the words then, burn it in a fire proof bowl (a pot/pan made of cast iron will work) and as it's burned that thought is OVER. Breathe, and then wait until your brain wants to pour out more to write things down. Did you tell the wife? How would I do that? I like the idea of writing everything out and then burning it. What a release that must be! Link to post Share on other sites
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