SunnySide0418 Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Been with my boyfriend for a year now. He's 44 I'm 48. He had a bad childhood of verbal and physical abuse from a step father. Lately when he gets mad or we have a disagreement he escalates it to the point of yelling and screaming at me. He says he gets hurt and gets defensive. This had happened about 4 times now and it's changing the way I look at him. I told him he needs to talk to someone. Other than this he's great. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Yelling happens - but doesn’t mean it is good. I wouldn’t necessarily call it abuse though Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 He's an adult and having past issues and baggage he needs to deal with so yes, he should be in counseling. Screaming and yelling at you isn't healthy and as time goes on it'll only get worse. He has no coping skills and resorts to all he knows instead of talking and listening, compromising etc. Suggest he get counseling and fix his issues and make him understand that you don't deserve to be yelled at and you've had enough. I'm sure you love him but do you want a life with someone who is like this? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 The fact that he has difficulty maintinaing his self control and he does not have the skills to communicate with you and reaolve an issue without yelling is definitely a problem. It would be difficult for me to be with a man who yells at me. Perhaps he would be willing to go to couples counselling, if not individual counselling. The issue here is that you both need to find a way to communicate such that you both feel safe, and heard, and respect. While, he needs to learn how to “fight fair” and communicate his feelings in a more appropriate way. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 It is not abuse in itself. But it also depends what he is saying to you. Derogatory insults? Four letter words that cant be printed here? Abusive has become one of those words with many meanings. People yell everywhere and it is a situational thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 Not abusive but just uncivilized. It would make me lose respect for him because his behavior came from fear. The yelling makes him look weak and out of control. Hard to stay with someone you cannot respect. If you want to try, you can reassure him that you are listening. He yells because he thinks you don't hear him, and he fears he's feelings are being dismissed. Assure him that your hearing is fine and you do want to hear him out. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 It certainly is abusive. It happens, yes, but it shouldn't happen regularly! He needs anger management. Once someone understands why they're yelling (their own fear and insecurity) it will slow them down a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 Hmmmmm for me it depends If he is yelling or screaming and it's valid reason. Sometimes your yelling out the frustration you feel inside. Like if I were to put myself in his shoes I would probably feel like yelling myself then I wouldn't hold it against him but at the same time it shouldn't be common because 1) I wouldn't be doing things that make my boyfriend want to yell at me all the time or on purpose even and 2) if I'm not doing anything that should cause a person to yell then why the f*ck you yelling? So if he is yelling and it's really small or you don't feel like there is any cause to it or a gross misunderstanding I would set a boundary. I wouldn't tolerate it. Yelling can be abuse. I don't think it is all the time. But it can be use to intimadate the other person and scare them to get in line with whatever they want because you would be too afraid of making him mad. So to nip that sh*t in the bud if you sense he is yelling just to get his way or there is no valid cause to yell I would be like "aye babe I get your angry and I want to resolve this but talking to me like that is not okay". Give his a** a warning shot. If he keep yelling get up and leave or if on the phone hang up. If he calm down and contact then say "honey I don't mind trying to resolve things but I can't be yelled at when I don't deserve that". If he keeps doing it then you have to chose to accept getting yelled at or leave him. I wouldn't accept yelling for manipulation, control, or intimidation. I would breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 Yelling isn't good. But what happens before the yelling starts needs to also be looked at. If he's triggered by something that wouldn't upset the average guy, then it's a real problem for him. But if the thing which sets him off would upset most people, then perhaps change needs to be looked at from both sides. So what kind of things are you arguing over? How does it escalate to the point where he's mad. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 (edited) CuriousRoxy - SNAP! I'd also add the idea that some people yell because they feel like they aren't being heard. And there are ways to communicate issues which help avoid the other party from feeling defensive. For instance "you never take out the garbage!" is different to "I feel overwhelmed when the housework builds up. It would really help if you took the garbage out on a Sunday night" Edited March 31, 2019 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 He most likely is abusive and now that the two of you have been together for awhile, he’s ramping it up to see how much crap you’ll put up with. If you stick around, he’ll ramp it up even more. The next thing you know, you’ll find yourself in an abusive relationship and wonder how you got there and why you have no self-esteem to crawl out of it. The fact that he comes from abuse and that he mimics it is a sure sign that he’s going to be that way. His ex’s would probably confirm that. There is no amount of therapy that will fix these people. Unless you have enough self-love to walk way from someone like this, you’ll wreck your life with this man. Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You’ll understand what I mean by unfixable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 I think it's good that you're self-aware enough to know that you need to ask other people if it's abusive. I don't know, that's kind of a loaded word. How about asking if it's a red flag? How about asking if the yelling is something you want in your relationship with a man? Do you want that in your life....in your ideal life? If it were me, my answer would be a resounding NO. I want a calm man. One that knows how to control his emotions, which is not the same as an unemotional man. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Lately when he gets mad or we have a disagreement he escalates it to the point of yelling and screaming at me. He says he gets hurt and gets defensive. This had happened about 4 times now and it's changing the way I look at him. I told him he needs to talk to someone. Other than this he's great. I'm taking what you've posted at face value. Doesn't seem your BF has always been this way, you describe it as a recent development. So yes, to me it does seem to be abusive simply because it appears calculated to intimidate you. What's disturbing is the trend from nice to screaming to ??? Have to wonder what's next... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 I’d ask him how being yelled at growing up made him feel and let him know that’s exactly what he’s doing to you. Since he uses it as his excuse you should use it as your example and see if you get anywhere with that. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 I wouldn't give a damn why he was yelling/screaming. I would not put up with it and I would leave the relationship immediately. Maybe that's a bit extreme, but yelling & screaming is totally unnecessary. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 If it intimidates and scares you, it is abusive. Being abusive is not just about hitting or sexually abusing, it is about control and domination. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells with him, it is almost certainly abusive behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Abuse depends on the context. If your yelling back, nope. If he's swearing and threatening, yes. If you were being a jerk to him, nope. If you walked in front of him while he was trying to watch TV, yes. Again, tough to determine without context. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 If you were being a jerk to him, nope. Someone looking for an opportunity to control waits for just this type of occasion, at some point you'll say or do the wrong thing. There are many possible responses to inappropriate behavior other than yelling, screaming and intimidation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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