Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

[John101]

I am new member looking for support and to reciprocate if I can.

 

 

In August last summer, my BF (gay relationship) of nearly 4 years told me that he wanted to leave me.

 

Before I go on, let me describe him: he is 28; shy and soft-spoken; kind with a soft, likeable demeanor. He was very affectionate with me, and I was more comfortable with him than with anyone else in my life. He had a lot of fun together.

 

I did see several warnings of emotional problems. He is down on himself. He has dependent personality issues. He is battling depression (so am I) but when together we were happy. One other problem is that he sometimes reverts to child-like (not childish) behavior, a trait initially concerning, but eventually became endearing (to me). Yes, he was long-term unemployed. Of course, I ignored everything and thought I could fix him.

 

Out of nowhere, he messaged me saying that we must meet to “discuss our situation”. He told me that he loved me but needed to move on. I was shocked because he wanted to move in with me and were planning for it. In tears, he went on to say he loved me, but it was best we stopped talking to each other. No contact lasted until the Holidays. I politely responded to his messages, which evolved into ongoing chatting.

 

Recently, I joined a gay dating site. I came across his active profile. The description was “bottom, into one-on-one or group sex, mostly anything goes…” There were graphic photos including one of him being penetrated by a condom-less. I will spare the more graphic details. I was stunned to my soul.

 

The next time he messaged me, I told him about what I saw. His first reaction was “so what”. I could hardly hold my anger, but just talked about my concerns. I learned that he did not have any new relationship, just two non-serious “friendships” and trolling for sex.

 

He told me the real reason why he left me is that he did not see every having a happy life because suicide was inevitable for him, thus he decided on a life of promiscuity without any concern for his health. I blamed myself for not realizing the depth of his depression. I began proving emotional support and I was happy that he started group therapy and had found a job.

 

Last week was his birthday. I needed to take my mom the doctor and while on the train, he messaged me. I wished happy birthday and we kept chatting for a while. I mentioned concerns about my Mom’s health, to which he responded “erm” and then nothing else for the rest of the day.

 

The next morning, he messaged me and asked how I was. I told him that given my worries about my mom, I was a little upset that he did not get back to me. He quickly placed the blame on me, saying that it was his birthday and I should have gotten back to him…

 

Then he wrote “are you upset that I did not get back to you, or are you upset because I was with somebody”. He told me that he was going to stop messaging me; if I wanted to chat, I should message him first. I never have been told something so spiteful and hurtful.

 

Prior to this, we had one silly “fight” in 4 years. As I mentioned, in person he is kind, quiet, soft-spoken, and likeable. Now within 24 hours, it was like I was chatting with a different person.

 

Has anyone else experienced such a Jekyll and Hyde person? It is nearly impossible for me to understand how such a kind person could suddenly become so cruel to me and how such a shy person can readily meet men for unsafe sex.

 

Even as upsetting all this has been for me, I cannot imagine my reaction if his “inevitable” suicide occurs.

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry. You must feel so powerless because you are. It's so hard when you want to help somebody you love & they won't let you. I struggle with that in a lot of my relationships. All you can do is remember that he is allowed to make his own choices even if they are terrible.

 

Do you know any of his family? If you think they will be open to hearing it, you can share with them that you think he's having suicidal thoughts. At present he's not a danger to himself that you can call the police. If he has a therapist, call that person & let them know what you think you know. While the therapist can't talk to you, that person can listen to your concerns. Do encourage him to seek therapy.

[John101]

I am so sorry. You must feel so powerless because you are. It's so hard when you want to help somebody you love & they won't let you. I struggle with that in a lot of my relationships. All you can do is remember that he is allowed to make his own choices even if they are terrible.

 

Do you know any of his family? If you think they will be open to hearing it, you can share with them that you think he's having suicidal thoughts. At present he's not a danger to himself that you can call the police. If he has a therapist, call that person & let them know what you think you know. While the therapist can't talk to you, that person can listen to your concerns. Do encourage him to seek therapy.

 

Thanks for you support, and I feel for you and your struggles with those you love.

 

I agree about allowing him to make decisions on his own. Thru my recent depression regression, I learned that making supportive comments (your too nice, too smart, ... ) actually does harm, not good, especially to somebody with life-long self esteem issues.

 

Most of his family live in Peru. Here in the USA, he lives with his dad, aunt and uncle. He shares a room with his father; he has overheard his father say make very hurtful comments about him, once on a call to a family friend (USA), he overheard his dad say that he is useless.

 

He attends group therapy for depression, but does not have a one-on-one therapist that he desperately needs. When I urged him to get one, he said "they are the enemy." As you said, I would have strongly suggested that I provide my input to a therapist.

 

Interesting, he completed all the classwork for a psychology degree, but did not complete its internship requirement and never received a degree.

 

I suspect, that like myself, he suffers from some degree of seasonal affective disorder, because the suicidal period seems to be getting better. It could also be that his latest "somebody" is providing a mood boost Whatever, I hope my assessment is correct and his mood stays good.

 

Of course, my therapist tells me that he is toxic and that I should enforce NC and don't let him creep back into my life. Perhaps his hurtful comment will enable me to do so. His gentle demeanor makes this even more difficult, because he does not exhibit typical toxic traits (physical or emotional abuse, except for that one incident, drug or alcohol abuse, criminal history, financial irresponsibility).

 

However, having said that, I was in denial for 4 years about his sexual compulsivity -- my excuse was we are gay and not yet in a committed relationship. My therapist says forget about his wounded little boy act, he exposed me to syphilis and gave me gonorrhea, the later which he claimed to have no sexual contact, a blatant lie to which I gave him cover. He risked my health and lied about it. HE IS TOXIC.

 

The story he wrote is genuinely heartfelt. Nevertheless less, it is a story of "Stray" cat coming and going,and only after becoming sick settles with "Gray" cat. I guess it means that he can continue to do what he wants until having need for me. I asked him if he is HIV+, he denied so but he has lied to me before about contracting an STD.

 

Yeah, stupid, empathic me will always be there for him.