Longing for breadcrumbs

[Sad26]

Hi All,

 

Finally I had to post here as I can't process it any further. I was stuck in a situation where I was just getting breadcrumbs and I was fed up. I wanted more and it was frustrating me.

 

I took the courage and ended things with her today. I said we need to stop talking. I know it is a good thing, but I am now blaming myself. Atleast I was getting the breadcrumbs and now I won't even get that. Also I don't feel I have courage for NC. I feel that I decided something I won't be able to keep.

 

I feel I ruined the situation. Something was better than nothing.

[FMW]

As long as you accept "something" because you fear having nothing you will have no chance to have what you deserve, a full and balanced relationship.

 

It's a tough adjustment but hold on, it will get better.

 

You made the right decision.

[preraph]

You have to accept it when someone doesn't want you and isn't ever going to the way you want them. You have to be a real adult and exercise self-discipline and self-preservation and throw magical thinking out the window and learn to move on even when you're unhappy. This is a good first step. Now make it easy on yourself and block her every way on every phone or media and stay off her media and don't contact her and give yourself a chance to move on.

[mark clemson]

Something may indeed be better than nothing, but steady full meals are a LOT better than breadcrumbs. Being emotionally attached to this past person probably makes it a lot harder to find something new that's real.

 

Based on what you say, I think you made the right move. Stick with it and move on completely so you can have something better in your life IMO.

[preraph]

It might help to remember this. Realize that the longer you know a person, the better you know the person. In other words, a lot of times after breakups, it's hard to let go because we think back to the "perfect" time early on and we are tempted to say, She changed. We used to be so perfect together. But the earlier version, you just didn't know completely. She didn't change. But the longer you were together, the more you both got to know the real person, and that is often when things break down. The late version is the more complete version. The early version is people on early good behavior and more importantly, people idealizing each other in a way that isn't sustainable.

[Blanco]

It might help to remember this. Realize that the longer you know a person, the better you know the person. In other words, a lot of times after breakups, it's hard to let go because we think back to the "perfect" time early on and we are tempted to say, She changed. We used to be so perfect together. But the earlier version, you just didn't know completely. She didn't change. But the longer you were together, the more you both got to know the real person, and that is often when things break down. The late version is the more complete version. The early version is people on early good behavior and more importantly, people idealizing each other in a way that isn't sustainable.

 

This is crucial. No matter how authentic aim to be, almost all of us are like used cars salesmen early in the relationship. Things feel lighter, there's a good amount of mystery, and both people are generally doing the things we know ideal partners should be doing.

 

Of course, even after that veneer is gone, the "real" person that's left can also still be a pretty great catch and partner. The trick to master is being able to decipher between someone like that and someone who is just really good at projecting the ideal partner image in the beginning.

[Blanco]

Hi All,

 

Finally I had to post here as I can't process it any further. I was stuck in a situation where I was just getting breadcrumbs and I was fed up. I wanted more and it was frustrating me.

 

I took the courage and ended things with her today. I said we need to stop talking. I know it is a good thing, but I am now blaming myself. Atleast I was getting the breadcrumbs and now I won't even get that. Also I don't feel I have courage for NC. I feel that I decided something I won't be able to keep.

 

I feel I ruined the situation. Something was better than nothing.

 

Been in this position a few times myself and I would compare those first days after cutting off things to someone trying to kick a bad booze habit. You know you're doing the right thing, but your body just wants a taste, even if it's at the detriment to your future self.

[Sad26]

Thanks for your reply. It is very tough for I have started to do NC.

 

I just now found out that she has blocked me on Whatsapp. I wasn't checking but didn't see her profile pic on the whatsapp chat and realised it. All these days I never messaged her or ever blocked her. I find it childish to do that. You block someone when someone is pestering you, or not taking no for answer.

 

I for once never ever messaged her or said anything bad. So it makes me feel ****ty the need to block me. Last messaged exchanged on whatsapp between us was a month ago. Makes me feel like a psycho or such for someone to block me.

[Sad26]

The weakness phase has kicked in. I now blame myself for everything. It seems I am responsible for ending this up. The blocking me on whatapp has tripped me over. I feel this urge to reach out to her someway and apologise and make things okay. I need the validation that I didn't do anything for her to block me.

 

I know this is the downside of NC but I am certain she will never ever talk to me again in life.

[Blanco]

Doesn't feel like it now, but them preventing you from reaching out/seeing them/knowing what's going on with them is going to be a huge help to you moving on from this person.

[preraph]

I agree with Blanco. Her cutting you off is to force you to not waste your time pursuing her and make you accept it and move on. It's not childish. It's very mature, actually. Now your turn. You're still raw, but you need to mourn, accept it's over, and start rebuilding a social life to move on.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I went through this a year ago with a guy I was so into and dated for 5 months. I couldn't force him to be as into me as I was into him, he had one foot out the door. I was willing to accept breadcrumbs for a period of time knowing he did not feel the same way as I did and didn't want a relationship with me.

He just stopped contacting me, and I never contacted him again either. I wanted an explanation or the decency of goodbye, but hindsight it was for the best. It took me about 6 months to get past it. I deleted his number, blocked him on social media, and put all our photos in a place that I wouldn't scroll through them anymore. I had to 'block' any access to contacting him on my end and it did help me move on. Trust me there were so many times that I wanted to reach out and demand an answer or have the conversation with him at least acknowledging what we had between us, and how dare he see me one day and say and do all the things he did then the next week disappear. I was livid, hurt, heartbroken. But.... I just let him go. I gave up the need for validation because I knew he wasn't going to give it to me. I came to the conclusion that he lost a good woman and someday it will be his regret and he will have second thoughts. I don't know if that's true but it did help me move on.

 

Soon enough I was able to meet someone else I was really into and vice versa, and we have been dating for almost 6 months. I didn't even want to be with another man for months after my bread crumber ghosted me. But it took full NC in order for me to go through the pain and heartbreak and get through to the other side.

 

You will make it, having no access to the person definitely makes it happen sooner.

 

Hang in there.

Edited April 2, 2019 by littlebridge

[Sad26]

Thanks all of you for replying.

I get the point about easier to move on if the cut off is clean and permanent. However it would have been easier for me to just have the pain of breakup and not also the pain of being thought of as someone who is pestering, or annoying or harassing.

 

With her I rarely initiated any message or any contact. It was always from her and gradually I developed feelings. I wanted more and hence I ended it. Even if she would not have blocked me I would never have sent any message to her.

[preraph]

Well, if that's the case that she was in charge and doing the initiating then, it shouldn't come as a shock that she's in charge and initiating the breakup and no contact now. Think about it. It's not really an indictment from her on you. She was the one forging the path.

[Sad26]

She didn’t initiate the breakup or no contact. It was me. I first asked her two weeks ago and she didn’t let me end things. My main reason was that I wanted more for my developed feelings and I was getting crumbs. I didn’t tell her this though.

 

This time before the talk she knew what was I gonna say so she didn’t stop me but acted pissed off. I had written her a 3 line email to her a week ago cause she ignored me standing less than a feet away. Her reason she didn’t see me and had promised not to ignore me after my last attempt to break things so why did I thought so. I said may be I was wrong and may be she didn’t ignore me but I was still not happy and want to end things. We parted and next day she blocks me.

 

My above mail to her was the first message in our 15 months where I had initiated a connect. So she knows in her heart that I would have never contacted her on any media. Hence her WhatsApp block is so baffling. May be she wants to show that she doesn’t wanna be in touch either. I never block anyone as I find it rude.

Edited April 3, 2019 by Sad26
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