BF's ex committed suicide

[sandrawg]

Has anyone ever dealt with this?

 

We were together 6 months and everything was amazing, for the most part. Just a cpl of hiccups that we got through. We have a big age difference. I'm female and the older one. Age gap rel'ships can be tricky because you can tend to chalk things up to the age/maturity difference, which did come into play when things started to go awry..but overall I think the biggest problem was our wounds and trauma spilling over.

 

My ex's ex had severe mental problems and was abusive to him, so it was hard for him to approach me with whatever problems he had in the rel'ship. He instead got distant and passive aggressive, which triggered MY abandonment issues. It got messy, with him pulling away from me to the extent he wasn't replying to my IMs or texts, which was totally unlike him. I broke up with him in a huff, then regretted it.

 

We were trying again after that..we decided to see each other weekly as "friends, for now." 1 coffee date went well. Then our 2nd post breakup date..we saw a movie. Afterwards, my ex lost it. He totally broke down over how I handled the breakup. IT had clearly triggered stuff from his ex's suicide..he cried and cried and I didn't know what to do but just hold his hand.

 

Then he kissed me, but I made him stop because I didn't want us to end up back in bed just to deal with the pain.

 

He clearly projected stuff from his ex onto me..like, my abrupt breakup with him made him worry I was gonna go full-on mental like his ex. He told me he was afraid I would "stab him in his sleep." I'm not sure how an abrupt breakup out of anger gets translated to homicidal inclinations, but trauma can make people irrational?

 

He buried himself in work and we really didn't chat much for the next few days. When we did, I asked if he REALLY thought I'd "stab him in his sleep." He said no, not now but I do worry it could escalate to something like that.

 

BTW he is in counseling to deal with his trauma.

 

I dunno how to deal with someone who now mistrusts me to THAT extent.

 

I am more than willing to work on these things with him--our mutual trauma. Rebuilding trust. It's not something I can't handle. But I think he's afraid he's gonna end up a) using me to deal with his pain. b) continue to project his trauma onto us.

 

I asked if he wanted me to move on,and he said yeah but it was clear his reasoning was all about me..sparing ME pain..being fair to me. I think he was being unselfish, cuz that's how he's been this whole time.

 

I hope I handled this correctly.

 

I told him, if I am an impediment to his work, or to his healing..or if he just doesn't wanna be with me anymore, then fine. I'll move on. But if he's doing it cuz he worries about me, then he shouldn't. I've been through way worse than this.

 

I said if I don't hear from him in a month, I'll move on. It will take me longer than that to get over him and even CONSIDER seeing anyone else, anyway.

 

I don't give up on people that easily.

 

Also, it's killing me that I in any way triggered his pain from his ex's suicide. I feel horrible.

 

Has anyone else dealt with something like this??

 

TL DR: Ex and I brought past traumas into our rel'ship. His is especially bad--his ex committed suicide. I don't wanna give up on him tho.

[preraph]

I think you should let him concentrate on his therapy because he's obviously got some issues now, whether it's PTSD or whatever, just a misconception of fear that everyone will be like his ex or whatever. Make an agreement to let him continue with therapy to try to sort through things and just check in after six months to see how things are going.

[d0nnivain]

My EX committed suicide & my husband, then brand new BF, is the one who got me through it. They day I found out I was so upset I forgot to cancel a date with the cute guy I'd been dating for 6 weeks. He found me at him in my PJs bawling my eyes out. I had to tell him but I explained that although I was upset my EX was dead, I didn't want him back. DH hugged me & said he'd be more upset if I was unaffected by the death of somebody I used to love.

 

Whatever happened with his EX he is having trouble processing that all women don't act like her. He's punishing you for her mistakes. When he curls inward to protect himself you get upset. Your upset reaction reminds him too much of her craziness & he pulls farther away from you. In short you are bad for each other.

 

He is recognizing that you two trigger each other & exacerbate each other's fears & problems. Just leave him be. He doesn't have the emotional wherewithal to be the man you want.

[sandrawg]

I think you should let him concentrate on his therapy because he's obviously got some issues now, whether it's PTSD or whatever, just a misconception of fear that everyone will be like his ex or whatever. Make an agreement to let him continue with therapy to try to sort through things and just check in after six months to see how things are going.

 

Thanks. I like your quotes, btw, although I'm a cat person.

 

I'm actually the first person he's gotten into a relationship with after his ex. Ugh.

[sandrawg]

My EX committed suicide & my husband, then brand new BF, is the one who got me through it. They day I found out I was so upset I forgot to cancel a date with the cute guy I'd been dating for 6 weeks. He found me at him in my PJs bawling my eyes out. I had to tell him but I explained that although I was upset my EX was dead, I didn't want him back. DH hugged me & said he'd be more upset if I was unaffected by the death of somebody I used to love.

 

Whatever happened with his EX he is having trouble processing that all women don't act like her. He's punishing you for her mistakes. When he curls inward to protect himself you get upset. Your upset reaction reminds him too much of her craziness & he pulls farther away from you. In short you are bad for each other.

 

He is recognizing that you two trigger each other & exacerbate each other's fears & problems. Just leave him be. He doesn't have the emotional wherewithal to be the man you want.

 

Yeah, at least he is mature to recognize that he doesn't process it well when someone does something that hurts him. He says he 'prepares for the worst but hopes for the best'..she did things like cut herself as manipulation. She threatened suicide when he pulled away from her (I guess he has a thing abotu needing space from someone from time to time.)

 

Sounds to me like she had BPD.

 

Isn't anyone he dates, going to have a problem with him withdrawing?

 

It's hard to face that him dating a psychopath who killed herself, and me having dated jerks who cheated on me and went incommunicado while doing so, should get in the way if we love each other.

[preraph]

He's had trauma, and he needs to work it out in therapy.

 

My best friend had trauma at 14 with her best friend being killed and it still affects her to this day. But at that time, it threw her into teenage alcoholism. She has abandonment issues from both that and her own dad that has dictated at least some of the men she has chosen. So trauma is trauma and needs to be worked on. My friend is fully functioning but boy, it took some work.

[sandrawg]

He's had trauma, and he needs to work it out in therapy.

 

My best friend had trauma at 14 with her best friend being killed and it still affects her to this day. But at that time, it threw her into teenage alcoholism. She has abandonment issues from both that and her own dad that has dictated at least some of the men she has chosen. So trauma is trauma and needs to be worked on. My friend is fully functioning but boy, it took some work.

 

I guess I just wanna believe "love conquers all" and all that.

 

Did I mention his ex killed herself ON HIS BIRTHDAY?

 

So..yeah.

 

I honestly can't imagine a worse trauma than that.

 

My stuff is hardly anything in comparison. Cheating, lying, and I dated a sociopathic narcissist who was verbally and emotionally abusive for a year.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you just need to leave him be and assume that this chapter is closed. He knows how you feel, and where to find you if he has a change of heart.

 

I have never lost an ex to suicide, but I did lose an ex in a tragic accident. It took me a long time to feel ready to date again, and the lingering anxiety of suddenly losing a loved one still crops up now and then, 20 years later. It was very hard for me to get close to a partner after that, out of sheer fear. I spent around a year grieving in a very unhealthy fashion (I was young and inexperienced in dealing with loss) and finally had therapy after my parents and dear friends gently convinced me that I needed help.

 

My point is that while the circumstances are different, your ex is clearly still dealing with the loss and not ready to open up his heart again. It sounds as though he is also trying to cope with the added affects of the abuse. Trying to manage a relationship on top of all that proved to be too much and he needs to go it alone.

[sandrawg]

I think you just need to leave him be and assume that this chapter is closed. He knows how you feel, and where to find you if he has a change of heart.

 

I have never lost an ex to suicide, but I did lose an ex in a tragic accident. It took me a long time to feel ready to date again, and the lingering anxiety of suddenly losing a loved one still crops up now and then, 20 years later. It was very hard for me to get close to a partner after that, out of sheer fear. I spent around a year grieving in a very unhealthy fashion (I was young and inexperienced in dealing with loss) and finally had therapy after my parents and dear friends gently convinced me that I needed help.

 

My point is that while the circumstances are different, your ex is clearly still dealing with the loss and not ready to open up his heart again. It sounds as though he is also trying to cope with the added affects of the abuse. Trying to manage a relationship on top of all that proved to be too much and he needs to go it alone.

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Was it while you were still together?

[Blanco]

Went through this with a now-ex many years ago. It was worsened by the fact that he was the father of her two young children. He had pre-existing mental issues, but he had not taken their breakup well nor had he reacted well to me coming into the picture.

 

She and I moved into a new place with the kids after about a year and a half of dating. A month later, the ex committed suicide. She and I had other issues that would've probably affected our relationship as time went on (they were already issues), but I remember the day that it happened thinking about how we were pretty much destined to fail. When I sat down with her years after we split and we got to talking about it, she told me, without any guidance from me, that his suicide pretty much doomed our relationship.

 

For what it's worth, she assumed a huge amount of the blame for his suicide and she never sought counselling, which obviously only worsened matters. I would say that in your case, it's good he's at least seeing someone. But just know that this is something that may never totally leave him. Unfortunately, in these cases, there can be a great amount of survivor's guilt.

 

Best thing you can do is be patient with him and let him know you're present for him.

[sandrawg]

Went through this with a now-ex many years ago. It was worsened by the fact that he was the father of her two young children. He had pre-existing mental issues, but he had not taken their breakup well nor had he reacted well to me coming into the picture.

 

So so sorry. Ugh. So painful.

 

So on top of the guilt of her ex's suicide..now she probably feels like she is doomed to never have a relationship, because this is spilling over.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. What a ripple of trauma someone creates, when they end their life. I have been through bad times but that is why I never committed suicide, no matter how depressed I got. I just thought about how bad it would be for my family and friends.

 

My heart just aches for my ex. I made it clear I am waiting for him. This isn't something I can't handle. I am even willing to go to therapy with him.

 

He's amazing, and I haven't had a deep connection like this with anyone in a very long time. I told him that if I don't hear from him in a month or so, I will know that he just needs to be by himself. It would take me longer than that to get over him and even CONSIDER dating someone else.

Edited April 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Was it while you were still together?

 

Thank you, and yes, it was.

 

That kind of trauma deeply affects the bereaved. His head is likely all over the place and a new relationship just isn't important at this time.

 

The first dating experience after my ex's passing did not go well. I was in no emotional place to let someone else into my life, and while he was a lovely person, I was in it for the wrong reasons and ended up breaking it off. While I can't relate to the specific context of his ex's death, I can definitely relate to not being emotionally-prepared to date.

[sandrawg]

Thank you, and yes, it was.

 

That kind of trauma deeply affects the bereaved. His head is likely all over the place and a new relationship just isn't important at this time.

 

The first dating experience after my ex's passing did not go well. I was in no emotional place to let someone else into my life, and while he was a lovely person, I was in it for the wrong reasons and ended up breaking it off. While I can't relate to the specific context of his ex's death, I can definitely relate to not being emotionally-prepared to date.

 

Yeah. I never probed him for details because I didn't want to cause him more pain, but I ended up doing my own research into his ex. I found out this only happened a little over 2 yrs ago. They had been broken up for a while. I just cannot wrap my head around someone doing this on his birthday. Esp when they weren't even together. I just..can't.

 

Now I'm dealing with my OWN guilt that I in any way shape or form triggered his pain of what happened with her.

[sandrawg]

I had told him how happy I had been with him, and it seemed to trigger his concern than *I* might kill myself if we broke up.

 

I told him, I've been through so many break-ups at this point. I know I will be ok, no matter what happens.

 

Plus, I'm a breast cancer survivor. The last thing I wanna do is kill myself over a GUY.

 

If him being alone is the best thing for him, to heal, then absolutely. I can move on. But I had to let him know I wasn't going anywhere for a while, in case he decides he can handle the relationship. I mean, he was worried I'd wanna stab him in his sleep, because of the things his ex put him through..and I still didn't run away.

[Fair]

It's not your job to help him through his ex girlfriend b.s. I don't care what happened... she committed suicide... tragic, but still not your problem. He's crying over his EX no matter how sorry you feel for him.... you're setting yourself up to be his counsellor/mother. Bad things happen and he has to deal with it on his own.

 

He's been pushing you away. So let him. He's not being unselfish by doing so, he just doesn't want to deal with you right now. But he WILL keep you around of course if you put yourself last and agree to accept crumbs over a relationship where he has to be fully present.

 

You don't need this. Move on or eventually you're going to regret it big time. No one is worth sacrificing yourself for. We women do this all the time for men who don't deserve it. He may not be a bad person, but that doesn't mean he deserves you... he's not even thinking of you right now. He's thinking of another woman.

[Fair]

Here you are, a cancer survivor only to turn around and waste precious time on this guy who sounds (from the snatches I've read) as effed up as his ex.

 

We have to be brutal about who we have in our lives. Have compassion but from afar - People will waste your time until the cows come home if you let them, not because they care but because they can.

[Blanco]

So so sorry. Ugh. So painful. So on top of the guilt of her ex's suicide..now she probably feels like she is doomed to never have a relationship, because this is spilling over.

 

 

Thanks. It was tough time and we didn't have the healthy foundation to get through it together. I tried what I knew at the time, but admit that in retrospect I was not fully there for her in the ways she needed me to be.

 

She's had some relationships since then, but after catching up with her recently, it's pretty clear that her preferred relationship at this point is just someone she sees once in a while and texts throughout the day; not someone who can eventually be a fully-present partner for her and her children.

 

Looking back, it's pretty clear that for her, this guy was it and everything since then has been mostly about just having some companionship.

Edited April 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandrawg]

Here you are, a cancer survivor only to turn around and waste precious time on this guy who sounds (from the snatches I've read) as effed up as his ex.<snip>

 

I've looked at some of your other answers on this forum. You seem...bitter

 

I also don't agree with a lot of your other answers you've given to others, either. It's not possible to be attracted to someone who's almost 70?? Men and women can't be platonic friends?? yeah, no. thanks for chiming in, tho.

Edited April 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Isn't anyone he dates, going to have a problem with him withdrawing?

 

Yes & no.

 

His response -- to withdraw -- will always be somewhat unhealthy but maybe it won't cause as harsh a reaction in some other partners. This particular behavior upsets you & triggers you. That makes it feel worse then it is. Somebody else may be able to sit back & take a deep breath while he processes.

 

He's got a lot on his plate. As much as you care about him & want him to stop engaging in unhealthy behaviors, he has to make those changes. You can't do it for him.

 

For now, let him be & focus on yourself. It's not your responsibility to save him from himself.

[minimariah2]

my ex killed himself 2 months after i broke up with him. it was a loving relationship that lasted almost 2 years but the break up came somewhat abruptly for him... i love him deeply but i just stopped feeling the romantic part of our relationship. i tried to make it work but one day, i just told him it's over.

 

he was a very gentle and kind soul, extremely loyal, an honest man, a man of his word. to this date, he is - by far - the best person i have ever met. that being said:

 

Unfortunately, in these cases, there can be a great amount of survivor's guilt.

 

the guilt is always there and will always be there. in most suicide related situations, imediate friends and family feel guilt. i always ask myself would it be different if i didn't left him or if i missed some signs or if i reached out to him after the break up, i should have checked on him etc. the therapist tells you that there was nothing you could do but your conscience keeps telling you different. that's just something that stays with you forever, even when it's irrational and senseless.

 

you should leave him alone. respect his wishes, listen to him. you didn't trigger anything, this is a normal state of mind he is going through. but - let it go. let him go.

[Blanco]

the guilt is always there and will always be there. in most suicide related situations, imediate friends and family feel guilt. i always ask myself would it be different if i didn't left him or if i missed some signs or if i reached out to him after the break up, i should have checked on him etc. the therapist tells you that there was nothing you could do but your conscience keeps telling you different. that's just something that stays with you forever, even when it's irrational and senseless.

 

Yeah, the way I look at it, it's almost like an extreme example of the rationalizing we might do after being dumped. (i.e. if I had done this, then this would've happened) It's too bad, because in both cases, there's usually only so much we could do and the outcome ultimately would've not been a lot different.

 

Sad as it is to say, some people who suffer from some sort of mental health issue are almost destined to leave this world by their own hand. That's of little comfort to those closest to them, who are left feeling like they didn't do enough to help things. Deep down, they know you can only realistically do so much and that we can't have total agency over another person's actions. That doesn't do much so assuage the guilt these people are often left feeling.

[Fair]

I've looked at some of your other answers on this forum. You seem...bitter

 

I also don't agree with a lot of your other answers you've given to others, either. It's not possible to be attracted to someone who's almost 70?? Men and women can't be platonic friends?? yeah, no. thanks for chiming in, tho.

 

Well, I suppose the truth sounds bitter to those who aren't receptive to it, and most people aren't. They want you to pad their ego's instead.

 

Clearly you're someone who doesn't want to hear anything but what you WANT to hear. You want to be placated into thinking playing Mother Theresa to this guy is the right thing to do, which begs the question what you're doing on a public forum where you're bound to get opinions that say otherwise. This is a guy who is clearly a waste of time, but it's your time, not mine. So good luck with that.

[sandrawg]

my ex killed himself 2 months after i broke up with him. it was a loving relationship that lasted almost 2 years but the break up came somewhat abruptly for him... i love him deeply but i just stopped feeling the romantic part of our relationship. i tried to make it work but one day, i just told him it's over.

 

he was a very gentle and kind soul, extremely loyal, an honest man, a man of his word. to this date, he is - by far - the best person i have ever met. that being said:

 

 

 

the guilt is always there and will always be there. in most suicide related situations, imediate friends and family feel guilt. i always ask myself would it be different if i didn't left him or if i missed some signs or if i reached out to him after the break up, i should have checked on him etc. the therapist tells you that there was nothing you could do but your conscience keeps telling you different. that's just something that stays with you forever, even when it's irrational and senseless.

 

you should leave him alone. respect his wishes, listen to him. you didn't trigger anything, this is a normal state of mind he is going through. but - let it go. let him go.

 

I am so so sorry that happened to you.

 

Yeah, I am thinking maybe with time, he will be less and less thinking that whatever gf he is with, is like his ex. It's like he's hyper vigilant now, and maybe it will take him time--who knows how long--to be able to trust again.

[sandrawg]

Well, I suppose the truth sounds bitter to those who aren't receptive to it, and most people aren't. They want you to pad their ego's instead.

 

Clearly you're someone who doesn't want to hear anything but what you WANT to hear. You want to be placated into thinking playing Mother Theresa to this guy is the right thing to do, which begs the question what you're doing on a public forum where you're bound to get opinions that say otherwise. This is a guy who is clearly a waste of time, but it's your time, not mine. So good luck with that.

 

Uh huh, sure. You keep telling yourself that.

 

The truth is, sure, people can be attracted to someone 70 yrs old. And of course, men and women can be platonic friends with no sexual tension.

 

And yeah, my ex has some "effed up" qualities, but so do all of us. And given what happened to him, I honestly think he's doing pretty well. A lot of people who had their ex kill herself on their BIRTHDAY would probably be a heroin addict in the gutter. He's actually a successful writer, with his own apartment, who is actually a pretty happy person despite having a horrific trauma like that happen to him.

 

I'm the first rel'ship he's had since then, so I can understand why he'd be gun shy and commitment phobic..he's getting therapy for his issues. Maybe you should look into that as well.

 

Frankly, you seem very close-minded and it's colouring the advice you're giving people. Sorry, that's just how I see it from your other posts.

[sandrawg]

Yeah, the way I look at it, it's almost like an extreme example of the rationalizing we might do after being dumped. (i.e. if I had done this, then this would've happened) It's too bad, because in both cases, there's usually only so much we could do and the outcome ultimately would've not been a lot different.

 

Sad as it is to say, some people who suffer from some sort of mental health issue are almost destined to leave this world by their own hand. That's of little comfort to those closest to them, who are left feeling like they didn't do enough to help things. Deep down, they know you can only realistically do so much and that we can't have total agency over another person's actions. That doesn't do much so assuage the guilt these people are often left feeling.

 

Right. I had my own suicidal feelings right after my divorce. I felt like I was in a bottomless pit.

 

If i had killed myself, I would have f'd up my exhusband AND my entire family. I could not imagine doing that. But I guess I didn't have a lifelong mental illness, other than some panic attacks/GAD--taking meds for that ended up ruining my marriage--so I was able to keep it together and stay alive. But someone who is in a deep dark place and sees no hope..that's just a state of mind that I think nobody can really save them..unless they get tons and tons of therapy.

 

I've told other friends who blamed themselves for someone else's mental state "sorry, you're just not that powerful." One thing I learned going to al-anon cuz I dated an alcoholic in denial is that I didn't cause his disease. And I sure couldn't fix it.