Husband walked out on me

[Summermoe]

A little background- husband is 34 I am 28. We have been together for five years, married for 2 this coming Thursday (sigh). We have two small children together ages 3 and 10 months old. Husband has 3 children from a previous marriage where they were together for 10 years before he left her. He and I started dating pretty soon after he left his ex. He had no intentions on returning to her. He said he was miserable and wanted kill himself being with her. He moved in with me about a month after we started dating. He professed that he loved me very early into the relationship and said the first day he saw me he knew he was going to marry me. His ex became difficult with allowing him to see his 3 kids. He became more and more depressed and unstable but we continued our relationship. Fast forward a year and things started getting better regarding his kids. His ex becomes less difficult and moves on.

 

In 2015 we tried for a baby and she was born in 2016. He did not really want anymore children but knew that I could not live without having children of my own. We had our ups and downs, arguments like any couple. Husband still battled his depression. He came from a broken family, was abused as a child, his mother did hard drugs while pregnant with him, his father was never in his life very much although he comes around sometimes now. His grandma and grandpa raised him until they died when he was 13, then he was on his own. He has severe mental health issues and IÂ’ve tried supporting him to get help. He has gotten on meds but I do not believe they are enough for him. He needs to see a psychiatrist which he has been dragging his feet to do.

 

2017 we got married. We both cried at the wedding. We loved each other.

 

2018 we had our second daughter. Still continued to have good and bad days together. I have issues of my own involving jealousy due to a bad relationship with an ex that mentally abused me for 4 years. I had left that abusive relationship to be with my now husband. I was very controlling of my husband, I admit, mostly over money because my husband is not good at saving and tends to buy on a whim. I am the opposite. I need help with trying to control him. I just made an appointment with a psychologist to get help.

 

Anyway husband has never left me before throughout the 5 years, although there were times I thought we would separate. We had a huge argument 5 days ago while he was at work through text. He didnÂ’t come home that night. He told me he is staying with his friend and his friends wife and child. I begged him to come home. I went crazy. I felt like he was dying. We had never spent a whole day away from each other. He has never not come home. I was devestated. I continued to beg for 2 more days but he told me to stop that it was making him mad. He continued to stay with his friend. He also has started to drink a few times a week. We have not talked about our relationship or where it is going. I have not seen him and we have barely spoken. I did not contact him at all for over a day and he texted me asking if I needed him to watch the kids tomorrow because he knows I hve to work. I said yes then left him alone. This morning I panicked and asked if he was having an affair. He said no. I sent him a video of our 10 month old trying to stand up and asked him to please be here by 6am tomorrow. He said ok. He is being so cold and distant, I know I need to just leave him alone. I know I need to go no contact but how can I when we have small children? Tomorrow will be the first time heÂ’s seen them since he left. He told me he’s dying inside not seeing them but his actions say otherwise. I am at a loss on what to do.

 

We are still sharing money. He pays the bills and I work part time but mostly stay home with the kids. IÂ’m afraid he is going to abandon me with no money but so far he has not. He already pays child support for his 3 other children and knows that I will file ASAP if he does leave us with no support. What do I do? I miss him terribly. Im trying to work on myself and control my emotions. I am going to see a psychologist. Any advice? I do not have proof that he is having an affair.

 

Also all of his stuff is still here at home. He’s been buying clothes for himself instead of coming to get his things. I’m sure he’ll probably take some stuff with him tomorrow if he watches the kids.

[preraph]

You're doing the right thing backing off him for right now. He really doesn't want to deal with you. He may or may not be totally done. Best to give him space and not make it into an emotional scene every time you talk or see him picking up the kids. How much longer does he have to pay for his first three kids? Are they not older by now? I hope he has enough money to go around if he does leave, but either way, stay or leave, kids are expensive. I'm sure the thought of sending child support to more kids will at least make him think twice. But sounds like you both have some work to do if you try to stay together. If he has issues and is on meds, that's good, but you said he's not really trying therapy, and that's bad. Don't know how they know how to medicate him if he's not had evaluation/therapy. You both probably need some therapy.

 

If he's that bad with money, though, maybe getting child support is the better way to go.

[Summermoe]

His other 3 children are 7,9, and 12 so he still has years to pay on them. he makes decent money but i know if he had to pay child support for our two kids as well that he wouldnt be able to make it on his own. I really do not want to go that route unless there is no hope in saving our marriage. But how do I know that there is when hes not telling me anything?

 

A few days ago we did talk on the phone for an hour. I asked if he would be open to sending the kids to my moms house so we can go out and try to reconnect. I admit that I havent given him as much appreciation or showed him I loved him as much recently because i'm so busy and stressed with the kids and hes always working. He said yeah maybe to that idea but that hasnt happened. He also told me that he feels like I dont care for him like i did in the beginning of our relationship. Him leaving has opened my eyes to how much I really love him and im praying that he will give me a second chance to show him. But i fear that it may be too late.

[d0nnivain]

Oh heavens.

 

Do consult a lawyer so you know what your rights are.

 

But keep telling him you want to work things out. Talk about appreciation & saying you're sorry for not giving him more attention. I genuinely believe you two can work this out with counseling. Most of your problems stem from you both wanting instant gratification & not understanding that love takes work. Moving in together too soon was the start of the bad decisions but now that you have kids together you both have to suck it up & make this work. He may not be wired for working in a relationship. He monkey branched from his EX straight to you without time for reflection in between. He was with his EX since he was 19 so he has never had a mature relationship. You both need counseling to put you on the right track.

[Mr. Lucky]

In 2015 we tried for a baby and she was born in 2016. He did not really want anymore children but knew that I could not live without having children of my own.

 

Summermoe, I'll gently point out that having unwanted kids with an unwilling father of three struggling with mental illness is an approach almost guaranteed to put you right where you are now. Unfortunately, not an unexpected outcome.

 

As has been suggested, you need to work this on two fronts. First, you obviously want to do all you reasonably can to save your marriage. Counseling would be an impactful first step. Second, you need to understand your rights and options if he continues to stay away. See a lawyer ASAP for a consultation. You'll also need to think about employment possibilities if he falters financially.

 

Sorry this has happened...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

As others have suggested, I think you both need to go to marriage counseling together. You may also have to rethink your approach to issues with your relationship and finances. Maybe because of your husband's past issues (which remain unaddressed), it seems as though he cuts and runs when things get too difficult for him to handle. It may be a self-preservation tactic. The best thing you can do in that situation is to back off and, instead of being the storm, learn to offer him refuge from the storm. I hope that makes sense. Of course, he has to be willing to work on the marriage, too. It would certainly be in his best interest not to have to start paying child support for even more children. It's good that you recognize your faults in the relationship. Make sure he knows you are willing to work on those faults and show him proof.

[Orokotikki]

The above replies are good advice.

If you are interested in saving the M, I would do some digging to see if there is any more indicators of an affair.

[darkmoon]

you argued by text - but then, what made him actually end it with you?

[Summermoe]

I am all for going to marriage counseling. Ive asked him to go with me in the past but he says its a waste of time and wont work. I dont see him ever going that route. But i have a referral for one for myself.

 

Today he says he is with one of his other friends hanging out. Must be nice to run away from your responsibilities. I cant even get him to come get his things out of the house. Why wont he get his things? ugh. Part of me wants to tell him to never come back and throw all his crap in the garbage.

[Summermoe]

dark moon he ended it with me because he says that i am too controlling. He says that im too jealous as well. I admit that I was controlling and am working on changing that. i know that wont happen over night and i need some kind of counseling.

[alphamale]

he's going to leave you just like he left his first wife

[d0nnivain]

I am all for going to marriage counseling. Ive asked him to go with me in the past but he says its a waste of time and wont work. I dont see him ever going that route. But i have a referral for one for myself.

 

Today he says he is with one of his other friends hanging out. Must be nice to run away from your responsibilities. I cant even get him to come get his things out of the house. Why wont he get his things? ugh. Part of me wants to tell him to never come back and throw all his crap in the garbage.

 

Unfortunately you married a man child. He cuts & runs when things get tough & don't want any part of responsibility or anybody telling him that he has to work at anything.

 

All you can do is work on yourself & do what you have to do to protect your kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am all for going to marriage counseling. Ive asked him to go with me in the past but he says its a waste of time and wont work. I dont see him ever going that route. But i have a referral for one for myself.

 

And a lawyer?

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Well, given that he's gone straight to hang out with friends and one complaint is you're too jealous, I would say if he comes back, you should encourage him to have a night out with friends every so often. Maybe that's what's driving him crazy, or at least one thing. I mean, if he is going to cheat, he will find a way, so it doesn't hurt to just open the door and chilling about him going out with friends because he may just need to balance all this responsibility with some chill time.

[BaileyB]

he's going to leave you just like he left his first wife

 

Indeed. When you first met, there were enough red flags waving to have a parade - history of drug exposure in utero, history of child abuse, attachment issues, mental health issues, walked out on his first wife and three young children, told you that he wanted to kill himself during his first marriage, moved in within a month of knowing you... the signs were all there.... danger ahead! Beware! What would ever make you think that he was going to be a good father for your children, that he did not want, and stay around to be a reliable husband? Everything you have told us has said the exact opposite.

 

There is pattern here that is difficult to ignore. Not too sure I would want to take this guy back... Not sure how I would ever trust him again...

Edited April 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[darkmoon]

you're young, attraction is not difficult at your age, take heart, you learned what pisses him off ... controlling behaviour ... we all learn things

 

 

 

just do not rely on the counsellor to do the work for you

 

 

you must make a decision to be tactful, gentler, imagine him as your best friend, forgive and forget what happened yesterday

[Summermoe]

thank you. he is actually a great father to his kids. he is in all of their lives and loves them all dearly and is never late with child support. he never wanted children, not even his first three, but cant imagine his life without them. the pain and agony that he went through (that i witnessed) when he was missing his first three children was enormous. but not enough to make him go back to his abusive ex wife. i know he misses our children and would financially support them forever. im not worried about that. im just missing my husband and would do anything to get him back. he has lots of issues yes but he is a very kind and giving person. he was a nurse for several years. he has so much compassion for others its almost ridiculous. oh man i feel like i really screwed this up.

 

we had a good chat today. we both took blame for our parts in the failure of the relationship. i apologized to him for hurting him. i pushed him away from me and i dont know why. he's not ready to come home though and doesn't know if or when he will.

[Mr. Lucky]

If he won't go to counseling or come back to the marital home, your options are pretty limited. Protecting yourself and your kids should be your first priority.

 

Summermoe, if he's a "great father to his kids" and "loves them all dearly", you should think long and hard about why he's left. Under most circumstances, involved parents don't jump from a marriage without a place to land.

 

Do you have a joint cell phone account? Access to the records? If for no other reason than to rule out the possibility, you should at least look...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

If he won't go to counseling or come back to the marital home, your options are pretty limited. Protecting yourself and your kids should be your first priority.

 

Summermoe, if he's a "great father to his kids" and "loves them all dearly", you should think long and hard about why he's left. Under most circumstances, involved parents don't jump from a marriage without a place to land.

 

Do you have a joint cell phone account? Access to the records? If for no other reason than to rule out the possibility, you should at least look...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would agree with you, except for this man’s history with attachment and mental health issues. That makes this situation infinitely more complicated and unpredictable.

 

But yes, if he is unwilling to move home or go to counselling, there is nothing you can do except focus on making the best life you can for your children and yourself.

[Summermoe]

I do have access to phone records and bank accounts. He knows I can check all of that. I haven’t seen anything out of the ordinary other than the people he’s been telling me he’s with. But he is a manager at his work and speaks to multiple people daily so it’s hard to pinpoint. I haven’t seen any long phone calls though to make me think he’s seeing someone.

 

We talked last night. I asked him to come home and we could just spend time together and not talk about our issues yet. He said no he’s not coming home tonight but if I wanted to talk to him over the phone I could. Then this morning he FaceTimed our daughter for a minute but seemed annoyed by me. My heart is shattered. He’s being hot and cold. Do I need to go NC? ☹️

[Simple Logic]

Hate to play Mr. Obvious here, but he was married with 3 children and walked out on her (red flag you ignored) and now you are shocked he walked out on you and your children. He is not a responsible adult and he is not coming back to you.

 

He will find someone else who will take him divorced twice with 5 children making to same mistake you did.

Edited April 3, 2019 by Simple Logic

[BaileyB]

My heart is shattered. He’s being hot and cold. Do I need to go NC? ☹️

 

I would suggest that you need to find yourself a good individual counsellor. You need to learn more about how his life experiences and mental health issues affect him and his ability to commit to a stable, healthy partnership. You also need to figure out how you plan to move forward, assuming he does not come home and you want a healthy coparenting relationship with this man going forward...

[Mr. Lucky]

You also need to figure out how you plan to move forward, assuming he does not come home and you want a healthy coparenting relationship with this man going forward...

 

Agree with this Bailey but given his erratic behavior, the OP's sole focus should be on herself and the kids. She's only in charge of herself and needs to look at the future selfishly, for lack of a better term.

 

Summermoe, you don't have time to be a victim or feel sorry for yourself, too much on your plate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Agree with this Bailey but given his erratic behavior, the OP's sole focus should be on herself and the kids. She's only in charge of herself and needs to look at the future selfishly, for lack of a better term.

 

Summermoe, you don't have time to be a victim or feel sorry for yourself, too much on your plate...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agree completely. You have two little lives who are depending on you to do the right thing. Betting on a man who says he loves you but doesn’t want to live with you, has a history of abandonment, and a host of other problems is not a responsible decision to make for your children.

 

Individual counselling is in order and I would not advise you to take this man back into your home until/unless you are completely convinced that he is committed to getting help and committed to being there. Not words - he proves it to you by his actions. Your children are depending on you and having a father who comes and goes from their lives at will and a codependent mother who thinks she can “save him” and is willing to do anything to hold onto this man is going to cause more harm than good.

[stillafool]

I don't mean to discourage you but it seems that he doesn't want to come back to YOU. He will always love his kids. I wouldn't hold out for him to return home. If he were just hot under the collar it would have passed and he'd be back by now. But he is pretty adamant about not coming back. You need to prepare but it is good that he is financially dependable as far as collecting child support as you will need it.