Husband walked out on me

[vla1120]

He says he left because you were too controlling. You have stated that his ex was controlling and that is why he left her. I just want to point out there is a difference between controlling and trying to get your partner to be responsible financially. His continued behavior (especially his refusal to come home and work on things with you) seems more like adolescent tantrums. Maybe you had to be controlling because he acted like a child. I think you need to concentrate on you and your children. Go to counseling for yourself and get some legal advice. Luckily, it seems like he might cooperate with co-parenting, but he doesn’t seem willing or capable of being a responsible husband for you.

[Summermoe]

This is all very good advice but so hard to hear. I know he left his ex wife of 10 years and now he's walking out on me. He says its not all my fault either. He obviously has lost all feelings for me or he would want to work on things. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on for my children. I have started NC to help heal myself. One minute im ok with things the next minute i feel like begging him back. I know begging will do no good. It's so hard.

 

I've been trying to keep busy with my family and friends. Night time is the hardest. I keep hoping I'll hear him open the door.

[Normm]

He says its not all my fault either.

 

 

Well that's a relief.

[BaileyB]

This is all very good advice but so hard to hear. I know he left his ex wife of 10 years and now he's walking out on me. He says its not all my fault either. He obviously has lost all feelings for me or he would want to work on things. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on for my children. I have started NC to help heal myself. One minute im ok with things the next minute i feel like begging him back. I know begging will do no good. It's so hard.

 

I've been trying to keep busy with my family and friends. Night time is the hardest. I keep hoping I'll hear him open the door.

 

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you must feel, but you will get through this...

[Summermoe]

I just talked to him. We are proceeding with divorce. I asked him to get his own bank account and cell phone. I also asked for $1000 a month right now until i can start working more. He is going to take some of his things tomorrow when he comes to see the children. He is still adamant on there being no one else, not that that even matters anymore. I told him I am going friday to file for support. He is agreeing to everything.

 

[BaileyB]

What does your husband do OP that he can afford that kind of child support to two women, for five children... will he actually be able to afford to live on his own?

[d0nnivain]

Do I need to go NC? ☹️

 

Sadly, because you share children, NC is not a luxury open to you. This man may never again be your husband but he will always be the father of your children & you two have to learn to work together to co-parent. That means staying in touch but you should go NC in the sense that you stop asking him to work on the marriage. Clearly he's unwilling to do that.

 

I also asked for $1000 a month right now until i can start working more.

 

I told him I am going friday to file for support. He is agreeing to everything.

 

There are formulas about how much support he is required to pay. $1,000 per month is $250 per week. That seems awfully low for 2 kids. The way you phrased it sounds like you will take less when you start working. Your expenses will go up at that point because you will need child care.

 

Seriously, talk to a lawyer! Don't sell your children short.

[Summermoe]

sigh after all that i think he is now willing to work on the marriage. he says his feelings for me are not dead but he feels like i did not care about him anymore because i wasn't very loving towards him ever since we had kids. he is coming over tomorrow during his lunch break (our 2 year marriage anniversary) so we'll see how that goes.

[Summermoe]

dunnivan i will get less than $1,000 a month if he pays child support. his ex gets $600 a month for 3 kids. I am a nurse and can afford to live on my own if i need to but he should be held accountable as well.

[Normm]

dunnivan i will get less than $1,000 a month if he pays child support. his ex gets $600 a month for 3 kids.

 

 

he makes decent money

 

 

I guess compared to the guy on the street corner holding up a sign and a coffee cup.

[Summermoe]

He does make decent money. Child support laws go by incomes of both parents and thats what it came out to be. He also pays for their insurance. We are able to live off his income and me working less than part time pretty comfortably with two children in addition to him paying child support. But no if he had to pay child support to me as well I do not think he would be able to afford to live on his own or at least not too comfortably.

[Normm]

He does make decent money. Child support laws go by incomes of both parents and thats what it came out to be. He also pays for their insurance.

 

Most states use some sort of an income sharing formula that takes the total amount of income by the two parties and calculates the amount based on a percentage. Insurance and other child care costs are over and above the formula. Regardless of what the wife makes, it's a percentage of his income up to what is typically a state cap which probably does not apply with such low numbers and to pay child support for 3 children at an approximate rate of 25% of net income (average among states) he'd have to be making something around $28,800 per year.

 

2019 Federal Poverty Guidelines for a household of four is an annual income of $25,750.

[BaileyB]

sigh after all that i think he is now willing to work on the marriage. he says his feelings for me are not dead but he feels like i did not care about him anymore because i wasn't very loving towards him ever since we had kids.

 

Well yeah, you have two young children to care for...

 

This comment probably gives you a good idea why his first marriage ended - and why he moved in with you so quickly. I’m sure there were also other reasons, but this guy is thinking about himself when he should be thinking about his family. Not a surprise, given the fact that he likely has some attachment/abandonment issues and he didn’t want children. But still...

 

What are you going to do? Are you considering taking him back - can you trust that he won’t come and go from the home every time he feels unloved or life gets hard? IF you do take him back, and I wouldn’t, I would make individual and marriage counselling a requirement - not an option.

[Summermoe]

Well this is the first time he has ever left me in the 5 years weve been together. It's not like we've had an off and on relationship. Yes he did leave him ex before me but that was after 10 years. But they also had an on and off relationship which we did not have. We have been by eachothers side no matter what. I believe a lot of this is due to his mental state and its so sad to me because he's living a miserable life. I just want him to be happy. It's hard loving someone with severe mental illness.

 

And im not here to argue over child support amounts. Thanks.

[vla1120]

Summermoe, only you can make the decision that is right for you. Out here, a lot of people have been blind-sided by infidelity and other betrayals (me being one of them), so many look at things from a very critical standpoint.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Having a partner who will not address their mental illness is especially difficult. If you do want this marriage to work, maybe you could approach him from a different angle. Here is what I have taken from your posts.

 

1. He has a good job, so his mental illness and past does not interfere with his earning capabilities.

 

2. He is a good father to all of his children.

 

Those two are things you can definitely work with!

 

3. He has problems from his past that make him want to cut and run from his partner when things get challenging and he seems to get overwhelmed when he feels pressured by you.

 

Now, don’t get mad at me for comparing your husband to a cat, but while I was catching up on your posts this evening, my daughter’s cat jumped up on the arm of my chair. He is very skittish. The shelter where she adopted him said he was abused. As soon as he jumped up, I had to become very still to keep him from running. This is a nightly thing. He WANTS to curl up on my lap. He is actually very affectionate, but if I move my hand too quickly or make any sudden movements, he flees. It made me think about your husband.

 

In the beginning of your relationship, you were his safe harbor. For some reason, he no longer feels that way. You can go back to being his safe harbor while still encouraging him to seek help for his childhood traumas, letting him know that, once he faces those issues and starts to come to terms with them, he can live a much happier life, free of those shackles.

 

Trust me, being a 58-yr-old woman who is a survivor of childhood trauma, I know that, no matter how strong you decide you are, no matter how far down you push those issues, and no matter how much time passes, those traumas WILL resurface at different times during your life.

Edited April 4, 2019 by vla1120

[Wallysbears]

I would consult an attorney.

 

Child support will likely be based on an incoming sharing model based on what state you are in. Health insurance and percentage of childcare costs will also likely be considered.

 

I don't think this man is to be trusted. He now has 5 kids by two women and has shown he is capable of walking out when he feels like it. That's not how a mature adult handles things.

 

Please seek the advice of legal counsel.

[anika99]

There's a saying that goes "the way you got them is the same way you will lose them". It's a bit cliche but in all my many years I have found this to mostly be true. I once dated and fell in love with a guy who had several 2yr relationships before me. He claimed to be madly in love with me, said I was different, he was going to marry me. Two years later, right on schedule, he's just feeling it anymore and has to move on. Once dated a guy who I knew had cheated in past relationships. Claimed to be a changed man. I never caught him outright cheating on me but did witness a lot of inappropriate behaviour and poor boundaries with the opposite sex. It's too late to change the past but going forward do pay close attention to the history of the people you date.

 

What jumped out at me in your story is that your husband never wanted kids but now he has 5 kids. That strikes me as being a very weak man who doesn't take responsibility for his own life and happiness. I have a brother and a good friend ( no association with each other) who always said they never wanted kids. They are both in their forties now and guess how many kids they have? Zero, they have zero kids because they they stayed true to themselves and took responsibility for building the life they wanted. Your husband needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility for his own actions. Anyone who would make multiple babies and then whine about how they never wanted kids is someone who is immature, lacks self awareness, and doesn't take ownership of their own choices.

 

Now you know for sure that your husband is capable of also walking out on you and your kids. Even if he does come back this breakup may have been practice for the day he leaves for good. Not uncommon for someone to make several attempts at leaving before they make it stick. Therefore you need to start planning now for how you will survive as a single parent should your husband leave for good one day. Are you educated or skilled in a field that would enable you to support yourself and your kids if you wind up divorced? If not I would suggest you start working towards being self sufficient now. If your husband stays and you guys work things out, great! You will still appreciate that you invested in yourself, but if things don't work out in your marriage at least you won't be blindsided and unable to support your family.

[elaine567]

Who is this "friend" he is staying with?

Do you know for certain who "he" is?

[Mr. Lucky]

Well this is the first time he has ever left me in the 5 years weve been together.

 

And the second time he's left a woman with multiple children.

 

Summermoe, a little righteous anger would serve you well here. He needs to understand you're not OK with his abandoning his family while he soothes his inner child, Facetime Dad isn't what you want. You've got two real children to care for every day...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

And im not here to argue over child support amounts. Thanks.

 

 

Neither am I. My posts are about you believing he makes decent money and yet the numbers saying otherwise. That much being said I've got nothing more to add, other than "Good luck".

[WorstFeelingEver]

Yeah, Normm. I agree. I am divorced, have 2 kids and pay over $1100.00 per month CS & I have a "decent job".

 

OP is saying her H makes "decent money", and has 3 kids from previous marriage, and claims he pays $600.00 per month??? I like to know those statistic formulated numbers. And on top of CS, he pays the health insurance for his 3 kids from previous marriage.

 

OP, when you meet up with your H today, for your anniversary, I recommend not sleeping with him, as you may become pregnant with child #3... his child #6....

[BaileyB]

What jumped out at me in your story is that your husband never wanted kids but now he has 5 kids. That strikes me as being a very weak man who doesn't take responsibility for his own life and happiness. Anyone who would make multiple babies and then whine about how they never wanted kids is someone who is immature, lacks self awareness, and doesn't take ownership of their own choices.

 

Now you know for sure that your husband is capable of also walking out on you and your kids. Therefore you need to start planning now for how you will survive as a single parent should your husband leave for good one day. I would suggest you start working towards being self sufficient now. If your husband stays and you guys work things out, great! You will still appreciate that you invested in yourself, but if things don't work out in your marriage at least you won't be blindsided and unable to support your family.

 

I could not agree more Anika. It’s difficult to imagine how a man who says he does not want children, managed to father five children. As my dear mother used to say in jest, “he really needs to figure out why this keeps happening so that he can make take steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen again...” Sure, you told him you wanted children but a man of conviction and strength would stand firm in his decision and could not be convinced FIVE times...

 

I simply can not imagine paying child support for five children, to two different women. I have no idea how he would be able to afford to live, if you do divorce.

 

As for your assertion that he has never walked out on you before, it’s not like you have an on/off relationship - if you want to believe that this is somehow different, because he has never done it before to you... go right ahead. But, the fact is you know that he is capable of doing this because he has done it to her, and now he has done it to you. You would be wise to take the advice that is offered and start planning for how you will support yourself and your children as a single parent. That just may be the reality of the situation... if not now, in a few years.

[elaine567]

Apart from the one minute Facetime has he seen your children since he walked out approx a week ago?

[alphamale]

OP, when you meet up with your H today, for your anniversary, I recommend not sleeping with him, as you may become pregnant with child #3... his child #6....

 

they could use a rubber

[Summermoe]

Just an update for those that actually care and were helpful.... we are still separated. We're being civil for the kids. He doesn't want to come back home. I have no proof of an affair and i really dont even want to know at this point. I asked if he wants to divorce, he said that he's ok with leaving well enough alone to prevent anymore damage, but if i want to divorce that I can. He says he doesnt know what he's doing day to day and that he's just "existing".

 

We did meet up on our anniversary but it was just so he could see the kids. Nothing happened. He said "im sorry" to me and that was it.

 

I'm getting stronger as time goes by but then at times I feel like I havent gotten stronger at all. I hate how cold he is being to me. He wants out and I cant change that.