BaileyB Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 I asked if he wants to divorce, he said that he's ok with leaving well enough alone to prevent anymore damage, but if i want to divorce that I can. It’s not the divorce that will cause the damage, it’s the fact that he walked out on his family. It’s not fair for him to put this responsibility on you. He is the one who left, he needs to accept responsibility for his actions. You don’t have to do anything now, but you will want to divorce. You don’t want to be legally and financially tied to a man to whom you are not married. You will want to move forward with your life. You may eventually meet someone else, it’s hard to have another relationship when you are still married to a man you haven’t lived with for years... I'm getting stronger as time goes by but then at times I feel like I havent gotten stronger at all. Give it time. This is all so new, it takes time to adjust and gather your strength. He wants out and I cant change that. No, you certainly can’t change that. I’m sorry. Wishing you and your children all the best... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Summermoe Posted April 6, 2019 Author Share Posted April 6, 2019 Thanks Bailey. Yes I do plan to divorce once I get all my ducks in a row. Only problem is I will lose health insurance for myself if I divorce him as I work PRN as a nurse. I do not want to switch to full time as it is less money and I can’t pick my schedule. But I think they have to offer me insurance if I pick up full time hours so here’s to hoping. I also have been trying to line up a babysitter so I can work more without having to rely on him to watch the kids all the time as he is being irresponsible and flakey. (He has always been like that and it was a huge problem in our marriage). I hurried up and paid all the bills with his check so he doesn’t blow the money on stupid **** like beer. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 Thanks Bailey. Yes I do plan to divorce once I get all my ducks in a row. Only problem is I will lose health insurance for myself if I divorce him as I work PRN as a nurse. I do not want to switch to full time as it is less money and I can’t pick my schedule. But I think they have to offer me insurance if I pick up full time hours so here’s to hoping. Yeah, that’s a pretty good reason to keep things stable until you get things settled. You will have some pretty big decisions to make, each in good time. You seem to have a very practical and level head, which makes me think you will get through this and provide a stable and happy home for your children. I also have been trying to line up a babysitter so I can work more without having to rely on him to watch the kids all the time as he is being irresponsible and flakey. (He has always been like that and it was a huge problem in our marriage). That sounds like a good plan. Do you have other family support? Again, I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. It’s not fair, but it is what it is... one day at a time. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 I have no proof of an affair and i really dont even want to know at this point. I asked if he wants to divorce, he said that he's ok with leaving well enough alone to prevent anymore damage, but if i want to divorce that I can. He says he doesnt know what he's doing day to day and that he's just "existing". I'm sorry Summermoe, but he is a coward. Not only has he left everything at home for you to figure out, but he says you'll need to navigate the divorce also? I hope his willingness to dump everything, you and the kids included, is fresh in your mind if he decides he wants to come back. Hard to see how you could trust him again. You kids lucky they have at least one strong parent. Hope things improve for you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Summermoe Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 Well the cat is out of the bag. I finally got it out of him. He did cheat on me. He says he did it after he left me. It’s over. I will never take his sorry ass back. You guys were right, he did to me the same thing he did to his ex before me. Sickening. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Well the cat is out of the bag. I finally got it out of him. He did cheat on me. He says he did it after he left me. It’s over. I will never take his sorry ass back. You guys were right, he did to me the same thing he did to his ex before me. Sickening. I’m sorry. This is one of those cases where it doesn’t feel good, that we were right. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Ugh so sorry! That all hurts to go through and divorce is hard. But like Bailey said above, it’s pretty obvious from your posts that you are equipped to handle this and come out just fine. I’m doing the same thing right now but I’m trying to look forward to day when I’m free of the impact of the lies. He will do this to every woman he’s ever with, I’m sure. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Well the cat is out of the bag. I finally got it out of him. He did cheat on me. He says he did it after he left me. It’s over. I will never take his sorry ass back. You guys were right, he did to me the same thing he did to his ex before me. Sickening. Few men will actually up sticks and leave their wife and children, unless there is actual abuse or mental illness involved or he has another woman. The odds being here that he had another woman... unfortunately now proved true. Please do not let him come and go, as that can happen too. He leaves for the other woman, then he returns all sorry and remorseful to then leave again... if you allow it, this can go on for a long time, years even, back and forth. You say his last marriage was on and off, maybe that was the game he was playing then... Hugs... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Summermoe Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 Thanks for the advice everyone. When will this grey cloud lift from over me? He doesn’t even care that he has hurt me. My family adored him and he said he felt bad for them and not for me that our relationship was dying because he respected them. He’s so mean and cold to me... Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Thanks for the advice everyone. When will this grey cloud lift from over me? He doesn’t even care that he has hurt me. My family adored him and he said he felt bad for them and not for me that our relationship was dying because he respected them. He’s so mean and cold to me... It takes a long time...my husband and I separated in October and I still struggle. You really have to make self care a priority at a time like this. My husband is also completely insensitive to how this all affected me and he just keeps lying. But I have found that pursuing my own interests, trying new things, finding lots of friends to spend time with, counseling...all these things have helped and I do finally feel like I’m getting freedom from him rather than experiencing the loss of him, which helps a ton. Just have to take it a day at a time and keep fighting to make your life what you want it to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 Thanks for the advice everyone. When will this grey cloud lift from over me? He doesn’t even care that he has hurt me. My family adored him and he said he felt bad for them and not for me that our relationship was dying because he respected them. He’s so mean and cold to me... I'm in the middle of this too, and I feel for you. My wife wasn't just "The wife" to my family... but she was truly "Family" to everyone. My folks, and brother feel betrayed with the way she dropped this on me. I don't think she cheated, but she is just angry, and ripping our lives apart. (without remorse) No advice... just empathy. Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 Thanks for the advice everyone. When will this grey cloud lift from over me? He doesn’t even care that he has hurt me. My family adored him and he said he felt bad for them and not for me that our relationship was dying because he respected them. He’s so mean and cold to me... That is quite common. In order to walk away feeling less guilty he has to demonise you. He needs a very good story to justify him walking out on two little kids, so in his mind YOU are the bad one. YOU are the reason he has an OW, YOU are the reason the marriage failed, YOU forced him into doing this... It was all YOUR fault... Yeah right! His OW will be listening to his tale of woe, just as you did all these years ago and she will be going "Poor thing, let me kiss you all better, that nasty wife of yours does not deserve you..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 I'm just catching up on your thread, Summermoe. I'm sorry you are going through this. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, hoping maybe your marriage could be saved with some therapy. Your husband is a coward who runs from his responsibilities and he has the audacity to be cold and mean to you? To add insult to injury, he cheated on you (supposedly "after" he left you - yeah. Umm. Sure.) Stay strong. Like someone else said, he needs to demonize you to justify his actions. (Somewhere out here is a thread from me about how my husband started spreading all kinds of lies about me after I left him because he was a lying cheater who was horrible with our finances. Grrrr.) Take care of yourself. You are now the primary caregiver for your dear children, so they need you to be healthy and happy. It will take time, but you will get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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