Chris2982 Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married. In every other way we are perfect together and are very much in love, but the more I try to suppress what I want, the more it affects me and the marriage. I thought I could change and in time I could adapt, but I feel like there's a big part of me missing. She was clear from the start about what she wanted and I accepted that, but I have many days where I feel like I can't carry on forever in this traditional marriage. I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail? Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Just get divorced. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 When you married knowing she was traditional, you made her a promise that you would be OK with monogamy. It's unfair for you to expect her to change now. Either find a way to be OK with it, or your marriage is doomed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married. In every other way we are perfect together and are very much in love, but the more I try to suppress what I want, the more it affects me and the marriage. I thought I could change and in time I could adapt, but I feel like there's a big part of me missing. She was clear from the start about what she wanted and I accepted that, but I have many days where I feel like I can't carry on forever in this traditional marriage. I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail? You should look up the thread (a few months old) by another married guy who has had this need to keep exploring other women and has gotten into a series of affairs without his wife’s knowledge. Why can’t you just get a divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Agree with all the posters above - divorce before you try to move on. We see on this board all the time that affairs turn into a huge emotional nightmare even if they're not discovered. If/when they are discovered they ruin people's lives. Really: don't do it. If you must (and I'm by no means recommending this) you could explain/announce your serious intent to your wife and see what she says. You could then try to get her accustomed to the idea through a series of baby steps. She'll probably simply want to divorce though either before or after you go through with this, if her views are very strong. I've never done polyamory, but my understanding is there really needs to be genuine interest from both people or it's very likely to fail. (And it often fails even if there is genuine interest from both apparently.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Have you thought about this: In case your wife has changed her mind and is on board with an open marriage, would you be okay with her exploring other men? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people ...But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married. I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail? Its all rather unfair to your poor wife. You didn't marry a woman open to you exploring stuff with other women, or someone with similar views to yourself. No, you deliberately married a traditional woman. Why? I guess because although YOU wish to explore other avenues, I guess you would rather SHE stay true to you... So now you want to rip her world apart, but hope she loves you enough so that she will put up with almost anything from you... Do not put a monogamous woman through that hell on earth. Divorce her and then you can explore other women to your heart's content... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 ^^^^^I agree with Elaine. You wanted a traditional woman and ask yourself if you would be comfortable knowing other men are exploring her body while you explore others. Yeah, I didn't think so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Why can’t you just get a divorce? Because he's a cake-eater in training. He wants the traditional advantages of home and hearth while he sows his presumptive wild oats. All without understanding an open marriage would give his wife access to the buffet while he competed for the crumbs. Chris2982, going to assume you had your fingers crossed during the marriage ceremony? Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 I agree with the others. You married a traditional woman out of pure selfishness knowing she would never step out on you he way you want to step out on her. You want to "explore" - buy a telescope, go on safari. Treat your wife with dignity and divorce her if you can't honor your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 OP: Are you super rich and /or super powerful? If yes, you might be able to find a woman who is willing to play that role of a wife for you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 Have you ever been honest with your wife about your desire to explore other women? Or has she always been under impression that you are monogamous? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married. In every other way we are perfect together and are very much in love, but the more I try to suppress what I want, the more it affects me and the marriage. I thought I could change and in time I could adapt, but I feel like there's a big part of me missing. She was clear from the start about what she wanted and I accepted that, but I have many days where I feel like I can't carry on forever in this traditional marriage. I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail? Yes. Just get a divorce. OP: Are you super rich and /or super powerful? If yes, you might be able to find a woman who is willing to play that role of a wife for you. Yes, this. If you have enough money, you can find women (even a wife) who will go along with you having multiple women. Your current wife may not be one though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 Yes, this. If you have enough money, you can find women (even a wife) who will go along with you having multiple women. Your current wife may not be one though. A gold digger will stick with you as long as you are providing the lifestyle, she will absorb affairs and other women as her love is for your money not you. But common or garden traditional women marry for love and some (not all) will also put up with affairs and other women as their love is unconditional. She will tie herself in knots, end up in therapy or self medicate with pills or alcohol... all in an attempt to be OK with other women... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 Before I got married I promised myself that I wouldn't even date someone who didn't share my views on being involved with other people. I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. But life happened and I fell in love with someone who has very traditional views and we ended up getting married. I expect you're looking for sympathy, but sir, you aren't going to get any for me. Marrying her was such a selfish move! You liked all he benefits of being with her and lied to her because you wanted those benefits. You let her believe you could be monogamous, and I don't believe for one second you really thought you could do it. Now, you're on here hoping someone will give you the green light to cheat on your wife. I have an idea. Why not man up and divorce her? That way, you won't cheat, she won't be hurt by your actions and you can both move on to find someone who is better suited to your individual natures. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 OP: Are you super rich and /or super powerful? If yes, you might be able to find a woman who is willing to play that role of a wife for you. I'm not so sure. Many gold diggers won;t put up with their husband's emotional needs. Sure, she may be "arm candy", but the benefits of marriage the OP was looking for with his wife ( support, a soft place to fall if he's having a bad time, friendship, being them for him when he's ill or injured, having kids, raising those kids, doing the housework, visiting with relatives, etc., etc., etc., and all those mundane and "boring" jobs? I doubt she'll be interested...unless she pays her to do them:p. Op, In all seriousness, being married isn't a good fit for you. That's okay. It's not for everyone, but if you care for your wife at all, you will end your marriage. I normally wouldn't recommend that, but this need to explore seems to be part of your nature and likely won't change. If you cheat on your wife, you will hurt her in ways you can't imagine, and if you stay and try to be monogamous, you will likely end up very unhappy and resentful. This could well be a case where you have to love your wife enough to let her go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 Get divorced and then find yourself a woman who is into poly relationships and doesn't mind sharing. To marry and then expect your spouse to be open to you being with other women isn't working for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 You want to have your cake and eat it, too. Grow up. Realize that you can't have everything you want. Either get divorced or stay in the marriage and be a man. Those are your two choices. It's simple. If you try to have both, it's not going to work and it WON"T be simple. You'll get yourself tangled up in a big mess. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 When you tell your wife how you are feeling, she will have no problem making the decision for you... Sir, what you did to your wife was terribly unfair. What would be even more unfair would be to engage in an extramarital affair without her knowledge or consent. You knew who you were before you got married. Time to give her all the information and let her make an informed decision about her future... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. I'd guess this learning curve made itself known when the OP felt compelled and/or entitled to cheat on previous partners. Not hard to see what will happen in his marriage... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me. UBT: He likes to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 What a smart idea, I'm going to marry someone who has strong traditional values within a monogamous relationship even though I want to have an open marriage!! Such a grand idea!!! Duh. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Random musings. I used to hang out at what is basically a sex club. Met a lot of fun and not so fun people there. Between keeping a rather large social circle from my teenage years onward and the folks I met there, I've seen quite a few open marriages and other forms of non-monogamy. 1...count it, 1...lasted until death did them part. They were married 30 years when she passed very unexpectedly this January. Monogamy was something she struggled with, she had an affair, they came close to divorce, and then they decided to stay married and be open. It worked for them. They were very much the exception. Every other non-monogamous supposedly lifetime partnership I've seen has ended in flames in around or under a decade. Usually because one or both "caught feelings" for a sex partner and want to ride off into the sunset with them. There is also the risk of STD and pregnancy, assuming you're both fertile. She could accidentally become pregnant and you could accidentally impregnate someone else. Birth control has a failure rate, people sometimes get caught up in the moment or use their bc ineffectively/incorrectly, and not everyone wants to or can bring themselves to abort a surprise pregnancy. Oh, and discovery. I've seen a few people who were in open marriages get caught with their AP's by friends and family. This typically results in awkward conversations, at minimum. I don't even want to go into the time sink and expense! Or the drama! Are you sure you actually want a non-monogamous marriage or do you just think you do? The fantasy is often much more fun that the reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Sumfun Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 You owe it to your wife to have this discussion. If if does not work out, then divorce is the option. She may surprise youl Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 You gave it a shot and, even with love being a factor, it’s not enough. Just let your wife know, endure the tears and heartache it will cause, and then go your own way. Be single, live that life. Marriage isn’t for you. You thought it might be, now you know better. Link to post Share on other sites
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