Beginning of the end

[lil_missy]

I understand what you mean about your marriage and family being a big deal—it’s the biggest deal. I saw your comment on my post— I have been with my husband for 7 years married for six and two kids. People say all the time I’m lucky this is all happening now while I’m “young” (37) and it’s hard to see it that way.

 

But when you think about how some people here were deceived for 25 years or more, had nothing left when they left, are nearing retirement and facing divorce at the same time....your situation seems so much “easier.” It’s your whole life though and you’re the oldest you’ve ever been so you don’t see it that way.

 

Here’s what I think — it doesn’t sound like there is a lot of good here to build on. If you stay together, financially you will end up in the hole unless something changes. Are you gonna wait to lose your house? I’m fortunate that we have assets to divide still but seeing how much my husband was spending on himself in secret I realize that if we had made less money or this had somehow gone on longer I would be in a bad financial situation. It’s like a runaway train with their dishonesty when it’s been so consistent for so long.

 

I value marriage and family more than anything and this has been completely horrible to go through. I think people here are just acknowledging that the likelihood of change in your situation that will make you feel secure again is low and that you still have a lot of your life ahead to have a financial and even relationship situation that is way better for you. That said, a marriage isn’t something to be discarded lightly. But I wouldn’t have initiated leaving and almost 6 months later I’m so glad I didn’t waste any more time in a marriage that was destroying me in ways I didn’t even see yet. How the kids will do remains to be seen and I’m not totally out yet but I’m hoping that things will continue to improve with time.

 

The anxiety that goes with being lied to is horrible though. And the betrayal. It hurts. Sorry you’re here but hopeful some of this helps?

 

If I stay in this marriage a few more years then I could wind up exactly in your situation! 37 and two kids! Except less assets to divvy up lol

Kids are important I want a second one soon but not if our issues are not fixed. I really want a sibling for my son but I don’t want them to have different fathers.

I think if we divorced after I have 2 kids i might feel ok, like my life mission has been accomplished.

 

I know it seems the likelihood of change is so small, and I might be clasping at straws. I’m in two minds, just can’t decide to keep trying, investing and being vulnerable or just call it quits. Completely torn.

[oceanblue12]

What types of things is your husband spending the majority of the money on?

[elaine567]

[

What types of things is your husband spending the majority of the money on?

 

Already answered by the OP

 

... But my husband spends a lot on buying video games, recreational drug use which he claims to have stopped and some gambling, oh and a lot of smoking almost nothing on clothes and food, that’s where I spend my money.

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, I would try to address his spending issues before throwing in the towel completely. As others have pointed out, this isn't just a matter of being "irresponsible"; your husband has some issues he needs to work through. Blowing through $25k in two years shows that he needs to get some help. I understand that this is extremely difficult as you're smack dab in the middle of it right now. I suggest taking a step back, taking a breath and and see if you can come up with a game plan that will save your marriage. Get him counseling, cut him off from the finances by making him set up a separate bank account, etc..etc..

[chryssy83]

One of the hard things about divorce is accepting that I canÂ’t have what I want. I canÂ’t have the intact family I wanted. I can remarry but that person wonÂ’t be the father of my kids. I have lost my house, my lifestyle, half my access to my kids. And so I get you saying but you want two kids with the same dad before you call it quits. ItÂ’s actually harder to let go of the dream than the reality.

 

But what the hell is he doing with that money? What if he gets charged with patronizing prostitution or possessing drugs? What if there is another woman and he has another child first? In my state that would reduce child support due to you for another child. I know itÂ’s hard to let go of what was supposed to be but I think we tend to focus on the wrong things. This isnÂ’t possible dishonesty itÂ’s just dishonesty and whatever he spends that money on is worth lying to you repeatedly to keep a secret.

[Turning point]

The more he spent the more frugal I became which made it so unfair to me. He got everything his heart desired while I got nothing because if I spent money too we would have been homeless. This guy was personality disordered and simply would not cooperate with any sort of budget ...

 

Financially reckless people are at the very least selfish in the extreme. There is no amount of "love" that offsets a person who consistently lowers your standard of living and quiet enjoyment of life with costly self-gratification. When that person is predisposed by some degree of disorder there is a very real danger to staying with them.

[preraph]

You're not going to change somebody's money habits unless you are able to take exclusive control of the finances, which isn't likely.

[Turning point]

Taking control of the finances is a logistical solution to the economics, but will doom the relationship in the long run as resentment builds and financial dishonesty grows. It simply sets the next battle ground.

 

If one person is capable of frugality in tight times, and the other is not - then their personas are incompatible. One is a taker at any cost, and the other is a rescuer through self sacrifice.

Edited April 5, 2019 by Turning point

[Mr. Lucky]

I know the changes needed, I just don’t know how to get him to commit to those changes.

 

Actually lil_missy, I meant the changes in you .

 

Point 2 if I can take complete control of finances then it would be best, but I don’t know if he will agree. He always feels restricted enough.

 

How can you take "complete control" if he's willing to incur $25K in hidden debt you don't even know about? If you do move to divorce, one of your concerns will have to be undisclosed obligations he's taken on for which you may be liable. There's everyone from credit card to cash advance to payday/title loans out there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chryssy83]

Not gonna lie, the thought has occurred to me that if my marriage were to continue I could have ended up broke with all the lies etc going on. The only reason we have what we have is because we have high incomes and I insisted on saving money. He would have spent much much more if he had been able to get away with it, and he’s in finance.

 

You could end up letting this guy put you in bankruptcy.

[oceanblue12]

Being fiscally responsible should be common sense

but addiction comes in many forms

[lil_missy]

I hate my life. I seriously thought about leaving my husband. But it’s so hard I basically told him I haven’t left yet coz logistically it’s too hard.

 

How do you move on with your life when you’ve got no support?

 

I have my parents who are willing to take me and my son in. My mom is also retired and can look after my son when I’m not there. But I don’t get along with them much and I just don’t imagine having a pleasant time living with them, in particular my mother is super controlling, manipulative and self centred. I was so relieved when I moved out with my now husband 4 years ago, to finally have my own place where I won’t get told off for watching tv, for just resting and doing nothing. My mom basically doesn’t accept me as an individual grown person with my own mind, she just wants me to do exactly what she wants me to do.

 

At the same time I currently work 4 days and the income I receive is decent that I could have a place for just me n my son. But the reality is it’s just going to be very very tiring, I don’t know how single mothers do it. I’d have to drop him off at child care very early each morning, do a full day works then come home do all the rest. I don’t think I can do it on my own, to have a little person (2yo) depend on you for everything, on top of that having to work a stressful job and cook and clean and do everything around the house. what if I get sick? Then who’s gonna look after my son? Case in point: Recently my husband moved out for a week at my request then moved back in at my request also. During the time he was away I did everything on my own, it was hard and lonely. My son is not a good sleeper and wakes up at least once per night. I just got so tired by the end of the week I needed my husband to come home. Even though it was hard, but I also felt lighter like a weight lifted, felt excited about the possibilities that the future holds

 

So my other choice is to stay in this marriage where it’s very volatile, when it’s good it’s great but we fight at least once a week about either money, smoking, other prescription drugs, or gambling ( all things my husband does which really annoy me)

 

So I feel I really don’t have any good options, just what’s the best of the worst

 

Life is **** if I stay, life is **** if I go.

[Mr. Lucky]

So I feel I really don’t have any good options, just what’s the best of the worst

 

Not trying to be flip, but sometimes such is life.

 

You need to get out of crisis mode and start thinking long term. If your marriage isn’t sustainable, you’ll need to put on a happy face and accept temporary help from your family to eventually get where you want to be. There’s also the wildcard of your husband’s fiscal irresponsibility, who knows what support he’ll contribute?

 

First, decision time on your relationship. Then one step at a time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Again, not to be flip... but, people do it every day.

 

Women work, raise more than one child, and pay the bills as a single mother... There are women leaving abusive relationships that have no where to go and no social/financial support - they wish they had the support of their parents to help them get settled on their own.

 

You have a list of reasons why this won’t work... I would offer the advice of Henry Ford, “whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you are right.”

 

Absolutely no way would I be staying to raise my child in a volitle home with a father who has a possible prescription drug addiction and is financially unstable. I would do almost anything to protect my child... As an adult, and as a parent, we don’t always have a choice - we simply have to do the hard things to protect our children from those things that threaten their emotional well being, safety and security - even if it is their father. Good luck.

Edited April 19, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I would do almost anything to protect my child... As an adult, and as a parent, we don’t always have a choice - we simply have to do the hard things to protect our children from those things that threaten their emotional well being, safety and security - even if it is their father.

 

Bailey brings up a great point. Your entire post above is about what's best for you.

 

Have you thought about what's best long-term for your child? How you can best provide a healthy and nurturing environment for your son?

 

You may have to deprioritize your needs for a while to best care for him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Absolutely no way would I be staying to raise my child in a volatile home with a father who has a possible prescription drug addiction and is financially unstable. I would do almost anything to protect my child... As an adult, and as a parent, we don’t always have a choice - we simply have to do the hard things to protect our children from those things that threaten their emotional well being, safety and security - even if it is their father. Good luck.

 

 

Agree, and think this bears repeating even one more time.