Am I being immature???

[joe_35]

So my gf and I have been together for almost 6 months now and for the past 3 she has been studying abroad in another country. Everything was going so incredibly smoothly until this past weekend when her and her friends were celebrating one of their birthdays. They had rented out a private room at a club, and while waiting to go inside, my gf was approached by a guy that used to go to the same school as us, and his friends. After chatting for a bit, she asked if they wanted to join them in the private room for the party.

Here is the dilemma. I didn’t know about these guys until the next day. Our usual routine is to FaceTime whenever she gets back and we did. We also texted the entire time. I was out with my friends as well and we generally have a lot of trust in each other. Anyway, when we FaceTimed after she got in, I asked how it was and who ended up going. She said it was mostly girls and one guy that was friends with the bday girl. No problems there. The next morning when we were talking, it turned out that she didn’t remember FaceTiming me. Everyone has those night so I just laughed it off. However, after inquiring again, she told me about these guys that she invited along.

Now I feel like I wasn’t lied to and feel a strong sense of betrayal. I need to know if my concerns are legitimate or if I am being downright immature. I am very happy overall with my gf, so I’m kinda hoping someone just tells me I’m overreacting lol. I get that girls will be approached when they’re out and that really doesn’t bother me because it’s unavoidable and is out of our control. I also had a strong sense of trust in my gf. What bothers me is that she wasn’t completely transparent when I first asked who was there and that she was the one who invited them in. This has been the first trust issue we have encountered and I am slightly concerned. I tend to be a bit jealous at times, so I just want to know if I’m only being immature. Thoughts ?

[Normm]

You're not being immature. This has nothing to do with your intellectual or physical level of development and everything to do with being secure versus insecure and trusting versus being suspicious of your partner.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am going to go out on a limb and suggest she might have known you wouldn't react well to other guys being there.

 

I say that because texting all the time while you're both out with your own friends and then FaceTiming afterwards suggests a strong level of attachment that might be suffocating. If you trust each other so much, why the constant contact?

 

I get that you don't like the omission, but I don't see it as a betrayal. I see it as a level of insecurity in the relationship that you are both dancing around and need to address.

 

EDIT: You say this above: "Everything was going so incredibly smoothly until this past weekend" However, your past threads indicate that's not quite true. I think you need to be real with yourself, with due respect - you are not feeling very secure in the relationship in general.

Edited April 4, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

I read your other threads and basically a LDR is not for you.

You are too jealous and resentful, and you are no doubt spoiling your gfs life.

She didn't tell you about those guys as she knew you would take it badly.

She no doubt hired a private room so that you would be OK with it... and inviting these guys in may have been a bit of a rebellion against being suffocated by you.

 

She is young, she has an amazing opportunity here, so don't stifle her and make her feel bad about being there, she will eventually hate you for it, if she is not beginning to do so already...

[healing light]

Personally, I don't think your girlfriend did anything wrong. She's in a public setting with a group of people celebrating a birthday and some friends she knew bumped into them. Extending an invitation may be the polite thing to do in that situation.

 

But, no matter. You either trust your girlfriend or you don't.

 

I have mostly guy friends and I don't want any of them. There is no secret agenda. If I had a partner who was making me check in with him like a warden and tried to guilt me or threw a fit when I was in social situations with other male friends, it would cause me to build resentment over time. Men are everywhere and they are unavoidable.

 

The fact that your girlfriend told you at all given how controlling this sounds should speak volumes.

[Ronni_W]

joe_35,

 

At the very least you are being unreasonable, which isn't exactly the same as being 'immature'...but it also kinda is the same as being immature.

 

When you are in a 'birthday-party mood and spirit', then it is only natural to feel inclusive and 'the more, the merrier'...

...so you would naturally feel the tendency to invite along anyone who potentially will positively contribute to that natural feeling and 'party spirit'.

And, when you have imbibed too much alcoholic 'spirit', or whatever other mood-altering substance of choice, then it is also only natural to come under the influence of that.

 

When your G/F first FaceTimed you, right after arriving home from the party, she wasn't in 100% control of all of her faculties...and, for you to try to turn that into a situation

where she was being deliberately deceptive or evasive of her evening's happenings as they unfolded, is the unreasonable/immature part, on your part.

 

Now, I don't know your backstory, but, if it is that you really do have tendencies towards jealousy and resentfulness, then those are the areas (within yourself) that you would be wiser focusing on,

instead of any of your G/F's words and actions.

[justwhoiam]

To me it's quite simple... How many girls are in her circle of friends?

I mean, if it was going to be 4 or 5 girls, then renting out a private room at a club is hardly explainable. It doesn't come cheap. The private room is meant to have privacy. What heterosexual girl is spending that much money for a night out avoiding guys? Ask any girl, sorry, but I'm not buying that.

 

 

My first question would have been: how much did it cost? Did you split the expense? Or was it a gift for the bday, so the cost was shared by friends only? All that might also explain having more people in it. Maybe the guys paid to get in. Who knows. You don't know. You ask the wrong questions, I'm afraid. All that talk about nothing. And you don't know the basics.

 

 

Regarding the incident of her "sudden" memory loss, if you talked to her very late at night (2 am? 3 am?), maybe she messed up facts. I miss out on things I'm being told/asked that late at night.