My boyfriend punched the wall and broke his hand (not in front of me)

[JulieDtd]

We were having an argument, and I asked to be left alone for a while, that I needed time to think and cool off. I went to read a book and then to bed.

 

Next day, he has a broken finger/knuckle. Apparently, he was upset in the middle of the night, left the room, brooded, and then punched the wall and broke his hand.

 

Is this anything to be worried about? I mean, it's not like he was threatening me or making me feel unsafe, it's just his coping mechanism. I totally get that - I had thrown things once in my life, not at anyone, but not my proudest moment. I had just found out about a cheating ex-husband etc., but until today I remember that pain and hurt and I understand if he just needed to release his feelings.

 

But having been physically abused before, I'm a little sensitive and am wondering if such behaviour points to more things in future. What do people think?

[excellen]

That would kind of be a red flag IMO.

How old is he? That sounds extremely immature, and almost like he's trying to make a very childish point.

Edited April 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[SunShineAngels]

[Hey OP this is a huge red flag.

 

I have friends dated guys punches the wall when they are upset, they all ended splitted.

Their boyfriends had violent tendency, think about someday you'll have kids, do you want their father act like this?

I think it doesn't matter the age, stay away from a violent guy.

Edited April 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[BaileyB]

Well, at least he had the good sense to punch the wall, and not you... this time.

 

Who knows what he will do, next time.

 

This guy has difficulties with communication, impulse control, and emotional self-regulation. Do you have a lot of conflict in your relationship?

 

Really think about this, if you decide to stick with this guy. This is your warning sign, are you going to heed it?

Edited April 4, 2019 by BaileyB

[amaysngrace]

Punching holes in walls qualifies as a form of domestic violence and luckily you weren’t there for it. Now that you’re well aware that he has tendencies towards being violence you should never put yourself in a position where you’re alone with him. You never know when something will set him off in the future.

 

Life’s too short to spend it walking on eggshells.

[Gretchen12]

Oh geez! He hit a stud? It's not that difficult to patch up drywall but make sure you have him responsible for fixing it so next time he'll think twice before punching the wall. When it comes to guy throwing and breaking things, make sure he's not breaking your personal stuff, because that has quite a different meaning.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wish my ex-husband would have broken his hand the many times he did that.

[JulieDtd]

He's usually really sweet and gentle, one of the nicest men I've ever seen. Like really decent and kind.

 

He said he punched the wall more because he was mad at himself, that he didn't manage to keep to his standards of what kind of partner he wanted to be.

 

He's 31, and he's usually really logical, seldom even raises his voice.

 

I'm thinking perhaps it's just a coping mechanism, like how some people go boxing or something?

 

Or at least I'm really hoping so.

[amaysngrace]

How long have you been with him?

[smackie9]

I don't think he will do it again.....if he realized it wasn't worth it and feels stupid for what he did.

 

 

 

BUT if he told you to express his pain, that is manipulation and you really need to keep an eye on that. If he has mental illness in his family, there's a good chance he's starting to show symptoms.

 

I worked with a guy that wigged out one day and punched a bunch of s hit in the warehouse. He admitted to me his mom is bi-polar and bat cray cray.....

Edited April 4, 2019 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

IMO you can let it slide IF it's a once in a blue moon kind of thing for him. Just keep an eye on it to be quite sure that it doesn't start to escalate. People change over time and as you become more familiar with someone and/or deal with life stresses (including arguments with SO) these things can start to show up.

[Art_Critic]

He said he punched the wall more because he was mad at himself, that he didn't manage to keep to his standards of what kind of partner he wanted to be.

 

 

Which is the exact opposite of what a good partner should be.. while being upset because he felt he slipped some on what kind of partner he wanted to be then he punches a wall which is the kind of partner you don't want...

[Els]

To me it really depends on whether there is a pattern, or whether he has manifested any other types of anger issues.

 

I'm a woman. When I was young and stupid, I punched the walls of my bedroom occasionally when I got angry. I wasn't strong enough to do any damage to the wall or to break my hand, but it did hurt, lol. I'm actually surprised that everyone here has apparently never done that....?

 

I understand your concern, though, because he IS strong enough to hurt you if he'd wanted to. And that is a valid consideration. I'm not sure if there's a right answer unfortunately. I think to be safe it is probably best for you to consider it a red flag and watch carefully. I do think that him doing it without you there is very different from doing it with you there.

[preraph]

You think this is his coping mechanism? Seriously? Doesn't sound like coping to me. Sounds like out-of-control rage -- and here you are just grateful he didn't hit you instead. Don't stay with a guy who punches the wall! Of course, he'll get around to abusing you eventually, or your kid or your pet. Why you ended up with another abusive man is because you think things like this are a small "coping mechanism." He is acting out violently! Don't minimize what it is and don't stay in a relationship once you see he acts out violently.

[BJP1991]

He was probably upset that the two of you hadn’t resolved whatever argument it was. His action against the wall is no indication of action against you.

 

People need to chill out and stop overreacting and telling people to “run for the hills” anytime a guy shows sign of emotion or frustration. We are people, too. While I don’t think punching a wall is a good way to fix an issue or release stress, we are only human, after all.

Edited April 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[BJP1991]

What would be most helpful is to know what the argument was about.

 

For example, if it was about someone not putting their dishes away or something completely trivial, then yeah he’s overreacting and you should maybe be concerned.

 

On the contrary, if it’s something severe (I.e. he found out you’re having an affair - which I’m obviously not accusing you of, just using it as an example) I, personally believe, he would have every right to punch a wall and it would not be something to be concerned about.

 

See what I mean? It really entirely depends on what it is he is upset about and why you both got in a disagreement

[amaysngrace]

There’s really no excuse for busting things up in a fit of rage. I can’t believe anyone could actually try and justify that.

[kendahke]

We were having an argument, and I asked to be left alone for a while, that I needed time to think and cool off. I went to read a book and then to bed.

 

What exactly was this argument about? Where does his frustration lie that this is his way of acting out? The way you're wording this, it sounds like something minor to you, but was it minor to him?

 

How often do you two argue? Does he do this all the time? Is he usually incapable of expressing himself to you and instead broods about it for hours then acts out?

 

But having been physically abused before, I'm a little sensitive

 

If he's got an established pattern of this behavior already, then it would appear you're back in another volatile relationship you probably shouldn't be in. Since you can't control him or his actions, focus on yours--and getting yourself out of yet another physically abusive relationship should be your priority.

[kendahke]

There’s really no excuse for busting things up in a fit of rage. I can’t believe anyone could actually try and justify that.

 

Op did in her first post:

 

I had thrown things once in my life, not at anyone, but not my proudest moment. I had just found out about a cheating ex-husband

[JulieDtd]

I think the fight was about...idk, cant really remember it. Probably about me highlighting something he did I was unhappy about, after which he got defensive and brought in past arguments. Something along those lines.

 

His behaviour did raise red flags for me, but I'm also a little to vigilant on that front I would think, due to past experiences, but otherwise, he did say that he would never punch a wall again, it's stupid. And we discussed better coping strategies, e.g. punching a pillow, batting the sofa.

 

Also, dated for a year, never heard of other wall-punching incidents, other than when his ex cheated and left.

[kendahke]

I think the fight was about...idk, cant really remember it. Probably about me highlighting something he did I was unhappy about, after which he got defensive and brought in past arguments. Something along those lines.

 

So you two argue a lot about inconsequential things?

 

Are you two able to reach compromises, or is it one person's way at the other's expense all the time?

 

And we discussed better coping strategies, e.g. punching a pillow, batting the sofa.

 

A gym membership might be a better way than destroying the furniture.

 

Also, dated for a year, never heard of other wall-punching incidents, other than when his ex cheated and left.

 

So when the infractions hits a certain watermark, he lashes out physically? Or is it a low threshold that sets him off and you're walking on eggshells trying to avoid it?

 

Just trying to get a clearer picture because his reaction to what you say happened is out of place for something dismissive and minor, as your posts seem to convey.

[preraph]

from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline:

 

https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

 

You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:

 

Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you

Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive

Trying to isolate you from family or friends

Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with

Demanding to know where you are every minute

Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving

Using weapons to threaten to hurt you

Punishing you by withholding affection

Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets

Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)

Humiliating you in any way

Blaming you for the abuse

Gaslighting

Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships

Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior

Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again

Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are

Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.

Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

Sexual Abuse & Coercion

[JulieDtd]

They may seem like inconsequential things, I guess, but it was also more of our reactions and methods of arguing that usually become the focus, or what the things may mean in the bigger picture, instead of the original argument. E.g. he told me a lie, it was over a small thing, but to me that means he could lie about bigger things. Only the second lie I've ever realised he told to me, though. One was a big one, and he didn't seem to tell lies ever again, until this one. But anyway that's aside. He's a great guy in general, but I catastrophise a lot. We don't argue often, Maybe once a week, once in 2 weeks? Worst period was about perhaps thrice a week. Usually it's resolved quite easily, no wall-punching involved.

 

I do trust him to not hurt me, but there's also a nagging doubt. It's more of not trusting my own judgement, i guess?

[Tristian]

Thread reopened after cleaning up some civility & respect issues. Thanks all for your patience.

[Happy Lemming]

Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)

 

In my youth, I dated a woman who used to break dishes when she got upset or felt out of control. Her therapist gave her the "green light" to do this. There was something about the sound of glass or china breaking that released her stress and eliminated the uproar.

 

I simply put away my good dishes when she came over. I purchased some cheap dishes and glassware from "Odd Lot" and told her to "have at it", that I didn't care if she broke those. Problem solved.