Have I done the right thing?

[julia34]

Hi everyone, just wanted an opinion/ any similar stories. My ex and I broke up 5 months ago (great 9months relationship), because he was heavily depressed and we both needed time and space to focus on ourselves (being on our final year at uni). We told each-other we weren't closing the door, 'hopefully we'll find each-other again'. I focused on myself and he deferred uni, found a job, got somewhat better, we cut contact.

 

We naturally ended up talking and meeting up as little as 2 months after the break up. It was super natural, not even sure how it started, premature looking back but it just happened. We gradually started talking more and more, until we met on Valentine's Day and had a very intense time together and we could both feel the feelings very much still there. We met again and had a really long chat, saying what we were both expecting from the other one: we don't want a relationship right now, he's just getting his feet into a new routine, I have to focus on uni etc. But we both said we're still in love, and very much wished we were together. We spent 24hours together, very afraid of how hurt we could get but both so, so happy. So after this we decided to meet up every other week, try not to have sex, and see what happens. This actually worked out very well and for a month we were chatting everyday, meeting once a week. He even encouraged me to go for dinner with his mum who was in town. The whole time I knew timing would be wrong, as I was more ready than him. But everything was so natural we just went with it. We were both back into each other's lives at this point, he'd talk to me everyday, about mundane things and would act couple-like with me.

 

But recently it got too much for me, to go with the 'I'm single and can do what I want' after everything he said to me. We had dinner together and he told me he had been sleeping with a co worker a few times, and that it really made him doubt. I said I had to leave his life because I couldn't stand him sleeping around. We both got really upset and he was broken, crying to me that he wants to love me so badly but he feels like something is missing, that he is so scared to get hurt again and go back to being really depressed.

 

My opinion is that what's 'missing' is the excitement, we jumped into this reconciliation very quickly and it became so normal so quickly. I have no doubts he loves me, I think he just needs time without me to realise everything, he isn't ready, and within a week of meeting someone he convinced himself we weren't happening. This new exciting girl is bringing 'what's missing' with us, without the commitment or scary feelings that come with me. He agrees and thinks he'll realise too late how he feels about me, and that me not talking to him could be a wake up call for him. That's what's happening now. I'm not gonna talk to him for a while, at least until I'm done with uni and let him do whatever he's doing without allowing him to have me whenever he wants. I can't convince him of anything and the only way is for him to realise on his own. I'm trying to move on.

 

I just wanted to know what you guys think? We didn't break up because lack of feelings/ dysfunctional relationship etc. and within 4 months we ended up reconnecting. My opinion is that this will keep happening (if I let it) as he has feelings for me, and doesn't have the strength to fight for now. But the feelings are there and when we are gonna see each other again it could go two ways. I know for me to move on I need to cut contact but do you think I did the right thing by stepping out of his life? We really believe in our ability to be together as it was the happiest time for both of us.

[preraph]

A lot of people aren't in it for the long haul and just like the excitement of a new person and variety. Seems to me he's as good as told you this. There are people you can love and not want to live with and can't make a life with.

[Simple Logic]

I think your BF is in the manure business and you are his best customer.

[sandrawg]

I think you did the right thing.

 

Your instincts about him were SPOT ON.

 

If he was truly committed to try to start again with you, he would not have slept with his co-worker. He just wouldn't have.

 

I suspect you are gonna move on and meet someone better, and months or yrs down the road, this guy will come back and try to hoover you in again.

[John101]

A lot of people aren't in it for the long haul and just like the excitement of a new person and variety. Seems to me he's as good as told you this. There are people you can love and not want to live with and can't make a life with.

 

 

Julia what exactly do you mean by "excitement"? The sexual side or the entire relationship?

 

 

 

 

I love the affection, comfort, fun and friendship of a long-term relationship. None of mine became "boring" because I am a fun person to be around.

 

 

 

My issue is that I rapidly lose sexual interest in my partner. I don't want variety, and I am not sure what to do. Being gay, obviously that is a major issue. Sadly or me, I've only had a few short relationships where I had both sexual and "emotional" excitement.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know for me to move on I need to cut contact but do you think I did the right thing by stepping out of his life?

 

Without a doubt, yes.

 

While you were thinking this casual dating was leading to reconciliation, he was keeping his options open to meet other girls. You were on two totally different pages.

 

Is he scared? Maybe. But it sounds more like he just doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about him. He himself told you that something is missing for him - you'd be wise to believe that, rather than try to rationalize or explain it away. If he believed in your ability to be happy together as much as you do, he wouldn't be excluding other options. Not welcoming them into his life.

[mark clemson]

do you think I did the right thing by stepping out of his life?

 

 

I don't think you had a choice really, especially the first time due to the depression.

 

It sounds like you're "Plan B" at least at the moment (Plan A being to sleep around a bit).

 

IF you reengage him at some point, insist on being the one and only for him (I assume that's what you want) and keep an eye on him, despite loving him.

 

I'm not going to advise you to wait around for that to happen, because I think realistically it's a big gamble if he's going to insist on seeing other women who he might develop feelings for. IMO there's no sense in you waiting around just to give him time for that.