Would love to hear from recovering OW/OM

[BourneWicked]

Finding my way - good call. I specifically remember lying to myself about his intentions when I first met up with him. Like, "oh group setting! flirty line = just a funny joke!" And down, down, down I went. After the fact, it was clearly dumb and his actions were obvious. Never been a problem before, never been a problem since. So I get what you're saying... because I 100% don't think I would ever do this again, it does call to question - why'd I do it that first time then?

[lolita888]

It's been very hard for me especially because I had to see him for work.

I wanted to do a NC but I can't because of work. I talked to him for work.

In all honesty - I miss him a lot. I still miss him. I miss the time when I was happy with him. The talk and everything we shared together.

It is really hard to think I will never be part of his life anymore.

There were times I wanted to talk to him and still be part of his life even just as friends but I have to stop myself from doing that. It's truly painful and a never ending roller coaster of emotions.

 

 

I wish I can fall in love again and find someone better so that I can heal from this and forget him and move on.

[Naivewomen]

@Bournewicked, you did it because you believed him. You believed and trusted him. It took my MM 2 years to break me. My morals and values were so strong. My boundaries initially unbreakable. He made me believe this was an EXTRAORDINARY connection one that should have never been addressed. The temptation wore me down. The so called "grooming" broke me in half. I personally have never had those feelings of lust and desire stir up in me for many many years. It was teenage mushy girl crush. That's who I reverted too. I am only upset that hes out of my life forever more because of the foundation of the "friendship" I believed in. Husband and I were never the greatest communicators and with MM I felt free to open up and be myself without judgement. The entire thing is a mental disaster at BEST. Married men feel very entitled for some reason to keep or want a side piece even if its just for the sex. Still not sure how they make eye contact with their spouses. I couldn't. This takes alot longer than I anticipated to heal. 8 months out and stronger than ever. Happier because I dont carry the weight. In bliss not quite.

[jah526]

Married men feel very entitled for some reason to keep or want a side piece even if its just for the sex. Still not sure how they make eye contact with their spouses. I couldn't.

 

Yes, entitled is exactly right. I’ll never forget the look he gave me one day several months into NC. It was a look of incredulity mixed with anger, confusion, and hurt. Like a little kid who couldn’t understand why you took his favorite toy away from him and refused to give it back.

 

I think they see it as so meaningless that there is no reason to stop having a bit of fun. Of course we see it much differently.

[LIRR88]

My 4 month EA with a MM ended officially on February 25th when he cut things off with me. Recovering for me feels like literally being on a rollercoaster. The beginning was really really tough because in those 4 months we got so close and bonded deeply over our miserable situations. I should have seen it coming, he’s a very emotional person and he felt like there was too much pressure to choose me or his two year old daughter. I’m a parent and I get it, I would never pressure him. I miss our friendship more than anything. I still get a glimpse of him from time to time as he drives the city bus right in front of my house, that makes things worse and I can’t wait till his route changes so I won’t know where he’s at and won’t get the urge to see him. Some days I feel really good, I keep busy and distracted. Then there are the other days when I “relapse”. It happened two Saturdays ago, I had a mini mental breakdown when I started missing him. I lean on my faith and I try to stay as positive as I possibly can. I remind myself of the accomplishments I’ve made up until now, I’m almost finished with school and having my bachelors degree is gonna open up many new doors for me. I’m honestly really grateful for this community here on LS. All the support and tough love really helps me to put things into perspective. One day at a time, I know things will get better and one day, hopefully sooner than later, he’ll be only a memory.

[gettinoverit]

Figuratively and literally ! Although to be fair I think naive can be a slightly unfair label sometimes! We know what we're going into. We jump anyway, hoping the water might feel different to us than everyone else already in the pool.

 

I started a new thread in response to you as the old thread has been shut down.

 

I wish I could tell the whole story of my...well..story! The basics follow the same timeworn pattern of course that we all share, but unfortunately the supplementary details that are critical to explaining the circumstances around the whole thing are so utterly unique, that if by any chance there is anyone here who knows me IRL, they will instantly know who I am! I'm not kidding!

 

So lets just say I have been both a BS several times over, AND an OW, to my OBGYN who saved the life of my baby no less, and groomed me throughout the pregnancy and came at me 2 months after he was born. Before anyone starts yelling lawsuit at me, this didn't happen in the US, it happened in my now former H's home country, and more than that I cannot say, beyond holy hell if you want to talk about emotional disconnect I can name names in terms of cultures and countries!

 

Former H - not xH as we are not divorced. We gave it our best shot, marriage-wise, but I have finally accepted that after 17 years, he is not going to change. His culture entitles him to be a cheater. Yes, I knew that about the culture somewhat when we married. So of COURSE we did the whole "I want a western style marriage" "Are we on the same page on this?" "Don't marry me if you don't want to live according to these simple rules" thing - he agreed with everything I said, and basically was lying through his teeth the whole time.

 

That said, he's a good man. Do I sound naive?! Life is not that simple. Well, mine isn't anyway! And I can't apply MY norms to HIM - he didn't grow up even close to the same way we did. By his standards, he's really done nothing so terribly wrong, and is a wonderful man, husband and father. By my standards I want and deserve more. I NEED that emotional connection I tried to hard to live without for so long. I made my decision, was determined to make the best of it, and gave it all I had. Moving to America, I started to meet new friends and over time think "hooooooold on a cotton picking minute! I want a marriage like THAT one!" In his country, we were at least all in the same boat!

 

We separated 6 months ago on amicable terms. Amicable mostly because I'm so god damned reasonable! But he is great in many ways - he loves his children, works incredibly hard to support us all, and gives me all the freedom I could want. We are just finally accepting that, while we are good people, maybe we are just not good together. He will be happier with someone who knows and accepts his ways, and the same for me too. No regrets at all. It certainly has been a white-knuckle ride, but we have incredible children, a good life, and I can certainly say hand on heart I have lived! I look back on Facebook to all my perfectly happy old school friends still living in my home town and happily going about their lives. Yeah, that was never going to work for me! I've lived on 5 continents now and hoping to make it 6 one day. I'll skip Antarctica. Not good with cold.

 

I did a LOT of soul searching after my "EA" slash slight "PA" (never went THAT far) to figure out how I got to that point (pretty obvious truth be told!) and how I recover from it. Not gonna lie - it was **** for quite a long time! Insanely intense almost certainly because of the circumstances I found myself in. But I came out the other side and I'm here now after a lot of lurking to hopefully help other people get stronger, and secondly to continue learning and growing from other people's experiences too. And maybe be humble enough to admit when I have the odd failure because I'm still only human and I'm still working on myself.

 

Disclaimer right now: I do NOT have all the answers! And I am STILL making mistakes to this day! There's more to this story of course! BUT - it's an interesting one in that, while I'm making some of my old mistakes, my awareness of what I am doing and subsequent control of myself and the situation has increased exponentially. I have moments, of course, but I am on an upward trajectory and moving forwards in (let's hope!) the right direction!

 

If all this sounds horribly cryptic, I apologize! I know I'm telling you all a whole load of nothing really. But just to say, I've been there, on both sides of the fence, I will be back when I have time to write more about both those sides as far as I can, and hopefully to also share some secrets to how I healed and how I am continuing to do so. And to support other people going through it. It's been the roughest emotional experience of my life - and that includes watching my dad drink himself to death and realizing finally my mom was a total narcisisst. Even today at age 72 is still competing with me for male attention and intent on driving a wedge between me and my daughter and generally f'ing up my life if she can.

 

Another thing to know about me. I like writing! But I think you've already guessed that one!

 

Some final thoughts:

BS's - I feel you. With knobs on. Believe me, there is nothing more soul destroying than giving up your career, home, country, family, friends and moving to the other side of the world, to a language and culture you don't understand, to be with a man you thought loved you as much as you loved him, only to find at 36 weeks pregnant you've been living a lie the whole time and now are forced to give birth (with no drugs to boot!) alone in a language you barely speak. Wanna talk about balls of solid rock??!And that was just the FIRST time it happened. Why didn't I leave? Because according to their laws I would possibly lose my children and never see them again. Yes, that serious. It has happened many many times. And for them I would walk on cut glass. I would NEVER abandon them.

 

OW's - I feel you too. I know that sense of emptiness, filled by someone who becomes your whole life. Then the hurt when you are suddenly thrown to the side like a piece of trash. Wondering if they are thinking about you. How they can move on so apparently easily.

 

I think it was Elizabeth Taylor (or someone of that ilk) that said "Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together." Shall we?!

 

Let's do this

[solostand]

I am four years out.

I have to say I am a very different person now than I was then. I also can't say it has not been a very difficult four years.

I feel remorse and a bit of shame now. I am trying very hard to put myself in his wife's shoes (I had demonized her). I am trying to forgive him, and forgive myself, and forgive his daughter, and his son, and so many more whose lives I helped to almost destroy.

That was where my bad choices led me.

Today, I have a wonderful life, a great job, I'm not hanging around a phone waiting for a surreptitious phone call between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. You know what I mean.

I love myself now and know I will never settle for half a man again. I will never settle for anything!

However, in my weakest hours, I still think of him. And wonder if the love that felt so very real to me, was also real to him, like he had convinced me? Could the fact that I blew up his life make him hate me forever? Or if I ran into him on the street, would he accept my amends?

[PhoenixRising8]

YOU didn’t blow up his life alone ... HE had a MAJOR part in that.

[DKT3]

He is 100% responsible for his marriage. Had he protected his marriage and family as he should solo stand would have never been in the picture.

 

She was demonized based on the information he gave, based on the position he put you two in and the lies he told to keep you on the hook.

[Amethyst68]

I am four years out.

I have to say I am a very different person now than I was then. I also can't say it has not been a very difficult four years.

I feel remorse and a bit of shame now. I am trying very hard to put myself in his wife's shoes (I had demonized her). I am trying to forgive him, and forgive myself, and forgive his daughter, and his son, and so many more whose lives I helped to almost destroy.

That was where my bad choices led me.?

 

I find this hard to understand. You inserted yourself into someone else's marriage, someone else's family and your finding hard to forgive their children.... I'm pretty sure that should be the other way around!

[solostand]

Their children caused damage in my life so I was of course angry about it.

I'm not anymore,

[NomiMalone]

I am finally feeling that green shoots are happening in my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m excited about the future. I’m way more “present” in my own life, and I’ve noticed myself becoming more engaged in conversations with my colleagues this past week (whereas for months before, I was often too anxious or depressed to even really try in a conversation. Since the whole time I’ve been with my current firm I’ve been in the A, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my colleagues think I’m always grumpy!)

 

This afternoon I drove past a stretch of sea views enroute to home, and for the first time in a long time, I marvelled at how beautiful the sea looked. I find myself being hungry again and am eating way more (so many people have commented the past year on how much weight I’ve lost.) I look forward to dinners and dates with friends, and when I’m there with them, I’m fully present, not weighed down by my subconscious thoughts about whether MM would text me that night. I feel free from the toxicity of the A, and although I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet, this small taste of life after MM is intoxicating enough to make me never ever want to feel the way I did again in the A. I should’ve found the strength to quit sooner.

 

MM and I are in very LC. Hence it’s hard for me to pinpoint the exact date I “left” him. Ideally I’d be in NC, but MM is not the type who believes in shutting anyone forever out of his life. And after what we had, I would never hurt him in that way. Also MM and I are both part of a sporting club that neither of us want to leave. We both play, and he also works as a volunteer there a few hours a week. I know that NC would be best, but break ups are never black and white, and i don’t think it’s absolutely the right solution in every instance.

 

Throughout the A, I literally tried to leave him about 20 times, and he always came back. He’s still trying to come back, but I’m holding my ground. I will never willingly waste another second of my life feeling like sh*te, ruining my own physical and mental health the way the A did. What does he have to offer now that’s different to before? Nothing. I believe his texts to me will start to taper off in time.

 

I still have moments where I’m overcome with sadness over this whole thing. We have an incredible friendship and we can talk for hours. I believe we both genuinely love each other. I just need to arrive at a point where I see him for exactly who he is - a lying, cheating scumbag who only cares about himself.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[TheRainbow]

I'm just over a year since I last saw him in person, four months or so before that ended the affair for the last time. There was some indirect contact through lawers and such, but all in all it has been good. I have put that life behind me, and untangling years of self inflicted abuse.

[SS2855]

I am finally feeling that green shoots are happening in my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m excited about the future. I’m way more “present” in my own life, and I’ve noticed myself becoming more engaged in conversations with my colleagues this past week (whereas for months before, I was often too anxious or depressed to even really try in a conversation. Since the whole time I’ve been with my current firm I’ve been in the A, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my colleagues think I’m always grumpy.

 

This gives me hope. While we/ I have not ended the A yet, we did have one big tear fest a few weeks ago where I think MM saw for the first time how painful the relationship is for me. As a result we've been lower contact and things have slowed. It’s extremely painful at times as this LC makes me feel that he doesn’t care as much- I do believe it’s more a result of what we both know is best and is intentional but we’ve held back in what use to be love filled Lala land messaging. I miss that, like everyone in an A loves most- constant I miss yous and I love Yous. In tears tonight in my usual roller coaster emotions I was telling my sister how badly I miss feeling normal and present. I hope to find courage to be done so I can start living again- not waiting anxiously for the next text or next time we can sneak away. I know the power to end it is in me..need to get there so I can begin to heal.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NomiMalone]

SS2855, I absolutely promise you that things will get better. Your outlook will become so much brighter and you’ll wish you left sooner! Looking back now, every moment spent in anxiety and pain was a moment wasted, and I can never get that time back again. Don’t let that be you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolute hell for the first few days/weeks, and you’ll wonder whether it’d be less painful to just go back to him. But I guarantee you that it never gets better until you stop settling for so increasingly little, and get out. The thing with affairs is that you’ll only get out - for good - when the pain of staying becomes much greater than the pain of leaving. Only you’ll know when that is.

 

Today I found myself being inspired to plan an overseas trip! Whilst I was in the A, my thoughts were obsessively stuck in one place.

 

The difference between my MM and yours is that mine never understood the pain from my end (he quite lacks emotional intelligence in general). I’ve always considered this to be a blessing in disguise. Had he been caring and empathetic, getting out would’ve been so much harder given how attached I became.

 

Hugs xx

[notmyfinestmoment]

SS2855, I am in the same position as you are. We had that tear filled conversation a couple of weeks ago and he saw what it was doing to me. I told him that he just needs to stay on the path he is on and forget me. It was a sad/sweet goodbye. That is the last time he and I have spoken.

 

Honestly, NC would probably be better for you than LC. We went through a stage of LC after we tried to take a break a few months ago and I remember feeling exactly how you do with going from I love you's to just friendly banter and it hurt ALOT! Not to mention, we would always end up back together and then back to the same place of having to let go because he couldn't move forward and I couldn't stand still.

 

As NomiMalone points out above, the first few weeks have been pretty terrible (crying mess every day), but posts like hers make me hope that this is going to get better. It might not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but eventually. I really try to remember how bad I felt on weekends and holidays. How bad it was to be this secret in his life. Those are the times that would lead me to push back. But as she points out, the first couple of weeks (when it hurts the most), you try to figure out which hurt more, being together or apart. Someone pointed out that the pain from ending the A is temporary, while the pain of staying in an A is forever. There is some truth to that.

 

Hang in there, keep posting, and PM me if you want.

[WB6989]

Dazey, how are things now with your MM? is the NC getting easier?

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi WB6989!

 

Nothing has changed with the status of my MM. We are still NC and I wish I could say that it has gotten easier, but it hasn't yet (cry fest). From everything I have read, my NC is still in it's infancy stage, so I expect to be working through this for months. If it gets better sooner than that, then I will be extremely greatful.

 

Miss my love and my friend every day, but I know this is for the greater good of saving his family.

[SS2855]

Hi WB6989!

 

Nothing has changed with the status of my MM. We are still NC and I wish I could say that it has gotten easier, but it hasn't yet (cry fest). From everything I have read, my NC is still in it's infancy stage, so I expect to be working through this for months. If it gets better sooner than that, then I will be extremely greatful.

 

Miss my love and my friend every day, but I know this is for the greater good of saving his family.

 

Big big hugs to you Dazey. Would love to PM you- any idea how I do that here?

[NomiMalone]

Dazey, you are stronger and braver than you realise. Take the NC one day at a time. There’s a high possibility that MM might come back, because they often do. You need to figure out a plan for what to do when that happens.

 

The reality is even if he left his W to be with you, he’s no prize. You’ll never stop wondering who he’s texting, or what he’s doing in his lunch hour at work. These MM have been capable of deceiving their wives and families - people they love most, and so they’re capable of lying to us too. There is nothing these MM have to offer us, really. Our lives were fine before MM, and will be fine after MM.

[darkbloom]

Hi NW,

 

I think any step in the right direction no matter how small is progress. Even if you had to sit on your hands some days and use every ounce of willpower to maintain NC.

 

I am 2ish months NC. I don't count the days and I try not to focus on how long it's been. I just think about how nothing changes if nothing changes. I think the hardest part we face as OW is trusting someone who promised to give us something they can't or won't. We hold on to the 'what ifs' and it really distorts our reality.

 

My view on MM has changed greatly in the last two months. With his wife being pregnant, our relationship is forever over. I cannot imagine what type of person builds a future with their spouse with something life altering like children while actively engaging with someone outside the marriage. There was another woman who is childhood best friends with his wife actively pursuing an affair with MM. This 'friend' was at their baby shower... I CANNOT imagine how uncomfortable that whole situation was I am very glad to be out of that dysfunction. I truly feel bad for his wife- when she opens up her eyes and sees the future she has built is all on lies it's going to be very painful. I am now realizing that I justified a bit of my behavior because I've never liked MM's wife much. I knew her long before MM and she's never really been that nice of a person but I used that as a justification for actively engaging with her husband which is wrong. Just because I don't think she's a nice person does not mean she deserves to be treated poorly or lied to.

 

I truly believe that everything comes full circle though and MM has to live with his secret every day. I am free from that and have the ability to enter an honest, healthy relationship where MM will always be stuck in a lie. I focus on that freedom and I feel better about missing him.

[Thamary Scott]

olks,

 

Phew were do I start??

Well its been exactly one year NC today and I really have no words....

 

Its been one tough but also one really really progressive year.

From someone who at this time last year could not get out of bed, could not bath to someone who can type and say in terms of making it? I think I am making good good progress.

 

Those who read my thread know I was ghosted by MM. It was one tough situation and it took everything out of me. It drained the deepest part of my soul. I would sometimes drive to a workplace I've worked for a year and get lost on my way! In short I was crazy, insane all those things! Crying for no reason. Gosh I almost got fired from work. I could not work, could not concentrate. I literary could not lift a finger.

 

I discovered my H also had an OW and it was hell on top of hell. I literary died. BUT we decided to save our M. We went for Counselling, Counselled ourselves, started praying together, exercising together and wow! The things that time do!

 

In this past year I have never done the following:

 

a. Never called or text MM

b. Never went to any of his social media profiles;

c. Never searched for him in in way;

b. Changed my numbers and emails all round.

 

I went from a crazy insane girl to someone who is now opening up their own Law Practice.

If you had told me in the deepest part of hell that I was in that I would celebrate one year NC I would not have believed it!

Its a small small milestone to some but to me its HUGE!

I almost died. I wanted to die. I wanted it to just pass. I didn't know if there was any light! All I knew were dark days! On end.

 

All those who are contemplating NC, do it.

DO IT today.

You have no idea what you are missing out there.

AND the freedom it brings.