Enforcing respect in the family

[Wallysbears]

Great. I can already hear his future spouse weeping. Your son is going to be a pain in the butt picky eater. The man child who won't try new cuisines. Sometimes, it's in a child's best interest to expose him to things he THINKS he won't like, because a 3 year old has SUCH good decision-making skills.

 

 

I appreciate your input, but considering my son is not at all a picky eater and would opt for a variety of fruits and veggies and cheeses over junk like fruit snacks and basically never eats boring “kids menu” food choices like chicken fingers but instead real adult food with spices and flavor...I think I’m doing ok.

 

He also helps to cook and clean up after meals at 3.

 

Not all parents do things the same way. And that’s our prerogative.

[Blind-Sided]

I also have 2 girls... so I feel for you.

 

First... privately... talk to the wife, and ask her why she argues with the kids? And ask her to simply stop doing it. I'm sure she will say something like "I'm trying to reason with the kids". But the reality is... they are too young to reason with. I'm all for the explanation of why the answer is "No", and then an explanation (warning) of the punishment that will follow. But anything past that... the parent should stop the argument.

 

After that... my response to the kids is... "Just say OK." I may even ask them that a couple times before the punishment comes down.

 

I feel we should never argue with kids. I have a couple buddies who tried, but now they have kids that don't listen at all, and one of my friends has a kids that he's starting to worry about. (kid is 11 now)

 

The wife and I didn't see eye to eye on this all the time, but I am complemented on how well behaved my kids are now. I was just at a friends house who has kids under 8, and I had my youngest with me. My friends kids were being nutz, but at the end... I told my kid, "Time to go, please help clean up." Her response was "OK Dad". Both my buddy and his wife were like... "How do you get her to listen so well?"

 

 

As far as the punishment... that depends on what you believe in, and what actually works. (every kids is different) I got the spoon when I was young, so that's what I used on my kids. (at first) With my oldest, I used the spoon, and she would just get worse. But I quickly found that taking her electronics was instant remorse. On my youngest, I used the spoon exactly twice, and after that, all I had to do is say... "Do I have to get the spoon?" and her attitude would instantly change.

 

Finally... what ever you do... DO NOT threaten a stupid punishment. (like grounded for a month) Because when you don't stick to it... they know they can get away with being bad. Chose a proper punishment, and STICK TO IT !!!!!!!!!!!!! If you say "No electronics for the rest of the day"... then stick to it. If you say no TV for 2 days... then stick to it. If you say, you will get the spoon... then do it.

 

My 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.

Edited April 5, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[standtall]

OP, one more thing. If you or your wife have an issue with how the other one is parenting....bite your tongue for the moment, then discuss it with him/her offline...out of earshot of the kids. Children pick up on this dissent very easily and will use it to get their way....just my opinion.

[standtall]

Great. I can already hear his future spouse weeping. Your son is going to be a pain in the butt picky eater. The man child who won't try new cuisines. Sometimes, it's in a child's best interest to expose him to things he THINKS he won't like, because a 3 year old has SUCH good decision-making skills.

 

I couldn't agree with you more. I have 3 children( 2 young adults and 1 at home teenager) and I have seen this with mine and their friends. The ones that were catered to with dinosaur nuggets, applesauce, no vegetables, and no wholesome foods are nearly all low self esteem, overweight young adults. Teaching good eating habits young is essential to growing up healthy and confident. We are not vegans or anything extreme, we just label read and attempt eat a balanced diet. Of course, there are certain foods that each person simple does not like, and we would take note and avoid making them the main course, but you will never know what those foods are unless you take control when they are young.

[Crazelnut]

I guess I'm still not clear on what the OP is trying to achieve here. Has your wife asked for assistance in dealing with the situation? Has she expressed to you that she's at a loss?

[fishlips]

So I have two young girls that are getting to the age where they are discovering their self will. They are both under 5. I've noticed that they... mostly the oldest one argues a lot with their mom. Mom is pretty strict that they listen to what she says etc but sometimes it's a toe to toe battle that goes on longer than I think it should.

 

I'm asking if anyone has any advice as to how I can help the situation without causing more chaos or squashing a child's will and spirit.

 

What do you do when you see one of your children back-talking to their mom or dad?

 

It's important that you back up their mom. Stubborn kids get what they want by pitting their parents against each other. My son used to do this, and I sided with him because I thought my husband was being too harsh. When I tried to see my husband's side and explained why he felt that way, my son started to behave.

 

They are still young enough to where you can get through to them, but it's hard!

[Mr. Lucky]

The ones that were catered to with dinosaur nuggets, applesauce, no vegetables, and no wholesome foods

 

I think you're confusing two different things. Allowing your child choices doesn't mean abdicating the need to eat healthy food. It does mean dinner won't be sidetracked by a battle over which veggie is eaten which night...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

All I can tell you on food is that there was NEVER anything special just for me at the table in case I didn't like what was served. So yes, I could skip the cabbage, but it was never a question that I would skip dinner entirely if I wanted food in my belly. It was never, Well, go make yourself a sandwich. I think it's crazy to let kids call the shots on food.

[S2B]

No is no.

 

You say it once... if they push again they get punished.

 

Stay consistent.

 

If they back talk = punishment.

 

Anything less and they are overpowering the parent... which never looks good.

[Wallysbears]

All I can tell you on food is that there was NEVER anything special just for me at the table in case I didn't like what was served. So yes, I could skip the cabbage, but it was never a question that I would skip dinner entirely if I wanted food in my belly. It was never, Well, go make yourself a sandwich. I think it's crazy to let kids call the shots on food.

 

I think many of you that are latching onto my way of feeding my child are assuming that I am letting him just eat random junk. That is not at all the case.

 

I actually follow what would be considered a "Montessori Method" with my son. He is involved in cooking, setting his table, cleanup, etc. Ever read the book "French kids eat everything"?

 

He has snacks constantly available to him in HIS drawer in the fridge and in HIS drawers in a cabinet. Those are his. The fridge has yogurts, "uncrustable" pb&j sandwiches, fruit, cheeses, veggies, rice pudding and cottage cheese. Also some lunch meat. His snack drawers have crackers, animal crackers, peanut butter in single serve cups, raisins, trail mix and fig newton cookies. Oh, and there's a bowl on the table with apples, bananas and oranges right now.

 

There isn't junk.

 

But if my son decides when we sit down to dinner that he's not into eating the Italian chicken and spanish rice with almond green beans that I made for dinner....after he's typically eaten the starch and veggie...but didn't want/like the chicken...I allow him to go grab something else. Because those are his drawers and he can eat whatever he wants from them whenever he wants to.

 

He will also pour himself a glass of milk or water whenever he wants to. Yes...he pours his own milk and/or gets his own water...and he can use a real glass.

 

I don't engage in the "you have to try this" or "just eat three bites" or "you have to clean your plate if you want dessert" nonsense. I also don't believe in "go to bed hungry" because I know too many adults that have a poor relationship with food because of ingrained power struggles over food that started when they were children.

 

Then again, I'm the mother that did "baby led weaning" and never gave her kid a jar of processed baby food in his entire life. From when he started solid foods, he was given real, adult food. The kid was "gumming" at pieces of steak and broccoli before he had teeth.

 

I see no reason to have a power struggle over food with little kids. If he's hungry...he will eat some of the options available to him. And on nights like the one this week when he didn't want the chicken but instead ate a pb&j before bed? So what.

 

 

More times than not when he goes into the kitchen and into his drawers...he will come back with apples, grapes, carrot sticks, cheese, crackers, peaches, applesauce, etc. I think there are maybe a few packages of the "organic fruit snacks" we were given in there...and yet my 3 year old doesn't ever reach for them.

 

And when we go out to eat? LOL. How many three year olds do you know that happily eat clams casino? Or lobster ravioli? We don't even order off a kid menu...he eats parts of what we eat happily.

[Mr. Lucky]

No is no.

 

You say it once... if they push again they get punished.

 

Stay consistent.

 

If they back talk = punishment

 

I like this approach if I’m the warden dealing with hardened lifers in a Federal penitentiary.

 

However, it doesn’t produce well-adjusted children...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wallysbears]

I like this approach if I’m the warden dealing with hardened lifers in a Federal penitentiary.

 

However, it doesn’t produce well-adjusted children...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Yeah, I'm with you on this.

 

 

"Because I said so" in my home applies to very cut and dry situations.

 

You don't touch the hot stove.

You hold Mommy's hand in a parking lot

You don't run with scissors

You don't mess with dogs when they are eating

You stay IN the fenced in portion of the yard

 

 

Why? Because those are situations where deviation from Mommy's rules can mean my kid gets seriously hurt or dies.

 

I'm willing to compromise and discuss and take opinions and feelings into consideration on other stuff.

 

Because there are a LOT of grey areas in life that kids need to learn to negotiate and if I don't teach and explain and help him learn, who will?

[preraph]

Wallysbear, I actually wasn't talking about the subject of junk at all. I was talking about putting food on the table and that's what you eat for dinner. You didn't let kids start dictating what they ate because kids don't have the brains to do that to their own benefit until they're adults and because that causes a lot of unnecessary work and keeps your kids from learning to like different foods and from what I've seen, forced the adults to eat what the kids like instead of eat like adults.

 

I'm talking about Mom plans a meal and you eat the meal. Our grocery store was several miles away, and there was no fast food any closer than that. If you hated one thing, then you didn't eat it, but there was no picking and choosing other than that. There were no easy fast food snacks available. Sandwiches is about it but we didn't eat that for dinner. That was a lunch or maybe after school snack. No one had yogurt or that type of thing. You had a meat and a vegetable or two for dinner. We drank milk with meals a lot and sometimes as a snack. I enjoyed our meals and never questioned my mother's choices or considered acting up about it. It just wasn't an option. So much simpler than letting kids have a say in it and all that negotiating and whining. I ate pretty much everything she put on the table.

 

At school, we ate the well balanced home cooked school lunches, but you had the choice of bringing a sandwich if you couldn't afford to pay for school lunches. I enjoyed those too.

 

I would just mention that there really was no such thing when I was growing up as a fat child because they weren't given control over their own diets. Though some of us got fat later, certainly.

 

I contrast that with a friend of mine who tries to cook to please everyone's divergent (and mostly finicky to the point of neurotic) tastes in her household after working a full-time job each day and being the taxi. But she brought that on herself by allowing it, and she's always exhausted and never has time for anything else.

 

I don't want kids touching food I eat. I remember being a kid.

Edited April 6, 2019 by preraph

[standtall]

OP,

 

Uncrustables, most yogurts, lunch meat, cheeses and rice pudding are all junk food and should be eaten sparingly.

 

Also IMHO, the Montessori method, love and logic, and all those parenting methods all work....for kids that are between the ages of say 3 1/2(give or take) to young adults. Younger children do not have the reasoning skills yet. I just finished raising 3 kids, with them and their combined 35 or so close friends with the nieces and nephews, this is my observation between the fat ones and the healthy ones....this is no absolutism with this and no guarantees, so take it for what it's worth.

[standtall]

I think you're confusing two different things. Allowing your child choices doesn't mean abdicating the need to eat healthy food. It does mean dinner won't be sidetracked by a battle over which veggie is eaten which night...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am not confused about anything. If you re read what I posted, I said limited choices...every household's diet is different, so I didn't feel it necessary to explain into what those choices were. Either way, the OP's original problem is about back talking at a very young age that i think most posters have addressed with a myriad of opinions...all valid.

Edited April 8, 2019 by standtall