A lesson well learned indeed, never underestimate a woman.

[Badluck]

My girlfriend and I have been off and on the last 5 years since 2013 we’ve broke up 4 times I think. We broke up on December 8th 2018 due to me wanting both of us to try to see other people. I ended up kissing another girl during this exclusive phase and told her the next day that I kissed someone. She then took this as cheating, it may as well been.

 

We broke up this time it seemed it was for good, I ended up seeing the girl who I kissed for a few weeks. During when I was seeing the new girl, I realised what I have had and lost and decided to reconcile with ex girlfriend telling her the people I slept with because I had lied whenever she asked me if I’ve been with anyone else. She then took it really bad, I don’t blame her for doing so I felt better about myself for being honest as she claimed that she has been loyal since 2013 and made it very clear that I was the only guy with her.

 

I then broke up with the new girl I was seeing because I realised I hurt my ex girlfriend by cheating on her once and for the lies I’ve said.

 

Weeks later Ex and I started chatting, I apologised in person once more about sleeping with other people, she forgave me soo easily as she slept with 2 people In December after our break up and I was delighted she was doing well. We ended up sleeping together on the 24th of Jan , I could not perform due to the heavy guilt I had for the lies, she then got upset too knowing that I wasnt over her.

 

Months down the line we started dating very very slowly but still being open to other people through casual flirting. Then we ended up back together, I still felt a lot of guilt and hurt because the way I treated her over the years but I was honest enough to tell her my secrets. She easily forgave me for some reason which I found quite strange because I expected her to still be bitter.

 

I started to beat myself up about the way I lied to her, I asked her soo many times did she be with anyone else during our break ups , she she then claimed that since 2013 to 2018 she’s only been with me, that made my guilt even heavier knowing she was soo loyal to me....

 

I found out that May 2018 she had slept with 3 other guys same month and then had sex with me beginning of June, she claimed to be pregnant by me but she didn’t even know herself if it was even me, she put me through a very big scare not knowing who the dad really was. Found out also that time we had sex in January , she said she’d come back after her Gym session but she texted a guy who she liked (she had sex with him in December) , the same day she texted him for sex, he said no and then she came back to my house for Round 2. I was absolutely shocked with this, after this person has claimed to be loyal to me.

 

Yes I’m aware I did lie to her about the people I slept with but I was honest enough to tell her but she on the other hand, let my guilt get heavier to the point I’m now depressed for mistreating her all these years. I kept asking her about these things and she completely denied everything and told me I was being paranoid and ruining us when clearly she was caught out too, we were both as bad as each other and she is blaming me because she said she had her doubts about me in the past.

 

I do see where she’s coming from, but dude come on I would never have sex with another person then go back to her and neither would I have sex with her then same day try to have sex with another person.

 

We are both facing serious trust issues currently, any tips on how to leave the last and both of try to see through our mistakes to move forward?

Edited April 3, 2019 by Badluck

[mark clemson]

Yeah this sounds pretty bad (and agree it's on both of you).

 

If you're looking for suggestions, I'd suggest IC for both of you individually and couples counseling (ie, MC but it sounds like your not married). You can also open all media (emails, phones, etc) to each other - ie, share passcodes. This shows there is a trust issue, but gives you both equal power to verify.

 

An alternative is to leave and start over - not crazy IMO given what you describe. However, you still need to get yourself to a place where psychologically you are able to have a committed (no cheating) LTR. Whatever else may happen, you definitely want to do that before trying to get married IMO (to her or anyone). If it was me, I wouldn't marry this woman due to the trust issues.

 

If she had the child, suggest you get a genetic test done to verify he/she is actually yours.

[Thingsfallapart]

My friends,

You are deep in the fog and you don’t even know where you’re at.

This girl has made you feel guilty and depressed while she has been sleeping around and doing the dirty on you. Sounds like she has been gas lighting you.

Also sounds like she has a mental disorder like BPD.

I had an ex who did all the same stuff to me.

You need to cut contact and run fast and far because the girl who did all that stuff to me made me so bad I needed therapy.

She has been lying to your face the whole time, tried to pin a baby on you and put your health at risk...

You should be angry not guilty

Get out of the fog

[Badluck]

Worst thing about this whole situation, that night we had sex and I couldn’t perform due to guilt then she left to go to gym then came back to mine due to other guy said no to her. We had sex again and now she is pregnant with my baby. I wish we never hooked up and wish she went with the other guy. Knowing that she actually was gonna see the other guy if he said yes, this whole thing could’ve not happened. I am soo emotionally numb, the person who I trusted with my life and yes I’ll admit I’ve lied to her but by god I would never have done that to her especially that she knew I was hurting, same time I don’t blame her for having her fun because I did say one point early years of our relationship I wouldn’t go back to her if she slept with someone else and vice Verda was said for me.

 

Now I’ve done stuff from 2014 to 2018 with other woman, she claims she has only done stuff May 2018 and then December 2018 (after our breakups)

[loversquarrel]

You reap what you sow.

[preraph]

Sounds to me like you're both ready and able to move on, and there being so much water and resentment under the bridge, I think that's what you should do.

[amaysngrace]

If she slept with people when you were broken up it’s not cheating. You slept with other people when you guys were boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

That’s totally different.

[Normm]

I ended up seeing the girl who I kissed for a few weeks.

 

 

Wow that's a long kiss.

[Badluck]

If she slept with people when you were broken up it’s not cheating. You slept with other people when you guys were boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

That’s totally different.

 

I only cheated on her once by kissing a girl on our last break up which was in December and told her the next day. Our relationship was weak , not saying it was a reason to do it but it made it easier done as I expected

[amaysngrace]

Oh sorry, it was hard for me to follow.

 

You guys should just call it quits. This whole dynamic of breaking up so you can sleep with others ruined you.

 

There is now just a past too big to ever have a future.

[Normm]

Our relationship was weak , not saying it was a reason to do it but it made it easier

 

 

Then why did you say it?

[Badluck]

Yeah I’m just going to end this for the best for the both of us, yeah your right too much past t have a clean future. I’ve already told her before we got back together that even if we do break up I’m gonna support her through this pregnancy all the right to the end.

 

I wish in the nicest way she didn’t fall pregnant by me, yes it takes two to tango but if she had went and hooked up with the other guy after she had her fun with me on round 1 on that night we both wouldn’t be in this mess.

 

People said this child is a blessing in disguise, but it has only brought more pain for us both. We both love each other dearly, just had a chat with her dad and he even agrees with me. He told me she loves me unconditionally but if there is no trust and all these issues arise from the past. It’s time to let go and be adults with one another. All I wanted is for us to have a traditional relationship, we were both toxic in this. Life is unrealistic at times.

[Badluck]

Then why did you say it?

 

What do you mean bud?

[Normm]

What do you mean bud?

 

 

You sound like you are excusing your cheating while saying it's not an excuse.

[Badluck]

Then why did you say it?

 

You sound like you are excusing your cheating while saying it's not an excuse.

 

Man I’m being real, I know what I did what was wrong. She hates cheaters and made it aware to me that she’d never go back to cheaters ever. That’s why I had to tell her. For a person who hates cheaters she still came to my house and had sex with me she did say no feelings and I got that, I stopped because I knew I betrayed her and she cried also knowing I felt guilty of my actions.

 

We’ve known each other for 8 years in total since we were 17, it’s that deep attachment for one other. Maybe are timing was wrong, I do believe we will work eventually but maybe time apart and only being for one another for the pregnancy is crucial atm.

[Normm]

I do believe we will work eventually but maybe time apart and only being for one another for the pregnancy is crucial atm.

 

 

Well, while you're waiting for her to come to her senses, try not to think about how many guys she's going to sleep with between now and then.

[Mr. Lucky]

This seems eerily familiar. Was this posted before under a different username?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Badluck]

So yeah, going to be very honest about myself. I was on and off with my girlfriend for 5 years, we broke up like 4 times always on my terms. When we broke up the 2nd time back in 2014 I told my girlfriend at the time "if you get with someone else I don't think I can be with you" she took this very literal.

 

Giving that what I said to her, we broke up. I then slept around from 2014 to 2018 while she stayed loyal to me for 4 years. We always hooked up and had sex even though I was having sex with other people and my ex same time. She always had her doubts about me asking me "have you slept with anyone else?" I replied naively "no"

 

I was gaslighting her, she had all opportunity to sleep with other people but she wanted to stay loyal to me of the chance we can get back together. Whilst I was still having fun with other women. We dated again from 2017 up to March 2018 we broke up again on my terms due to me realising she definitely needs to move on as I have made her obsessed with me emotionally. I made it clear that it was best for to move on and try with other people.

 

We then went our separate ways for 6 months till September 2018 we were exclusive for a 3 months until I cheated on her by kissing another girl, she was furious at me I don't blame her, I did betray her in a relationship. She took it quite well to be honest, but we both realised then it was not worth trying again for the best for both parties. I ended up dating the woman I cheated with in December for abit over 3 weeks.

 

Things were going great, until I realised what I have done over the years with my ex girlfriend. All that gaslighting I did affected her as she could've tried with other guys but did not due to her loyalty to me. I felt like crap knowing I stopped her having her fun for years. So I rang her in January 2019 for some reconciliation, I apologised for my behaviour and lies I have said over the years and told her that I did indeed sleep around while sleeping with her during our breakups. I felt soo bad for soo long, my guilt was heavy, I actually cried knowing how much time of her time I wasted. We then again met up just as friends and had casual sex though she had the power of control this time.

 

I couldn't perform well due to my guilt and the fact she said for the first time "no feelings right?" that hurt me bad, why did it though? It's because I've done that to her for 4 years. She admitted she slept with 2 guys on our most recent break up, I realised I was madly in love with her still but this time I seen this sudden confidence boost she had. It was quite intimidating but also attractive.

 

We ended up casually dating, but this time on her terms. It was quite strange as the power dynamics were on her favour. On our 2nd month, I had asked her why are you giving a cheater another chance and a person who lied to you all these years, she replied with "because I can forgive and forget" I was shocked how confident she said that on that day.

 

My guilt got heavier and heavier because off all the lies I said to her about NOT sleeping with people when I did. My guilty conscience ate away at me questioning her how was she soo loyal to a jerk like me for 5 years? I mentally broke down, felt depressed for my actions, the guilt was becoming a burden.

 

This is the powerful part, in May 2018 when we broke up, she actually did sleep with people in that month and also slept with me 2 weeks after her last guy she was with. I was shocked that she actually gaslighted me, I said to her "why on earth did you make me go through my guilt and pain knowing I upset I was for my actions and lies over the years" she then responded with "How do you think I felt for 4 1/2 years being loyal to you, I never lied to you we were not in a relationship, I was single rememeber"

 

I felt anger, betrayal and a lost of respect for her for a few days until my heart witnessed a breakthrough. She had a valid point. I put her through so much crap over the years by making her feel unworthy, insecure, untrusting and made her blame herself for our break ups. I took what I found out with a pinch of salt and took the pain I felt in a better way to realise my actions. She taught me a lesson and very good one indeed. Never ever in my life I will put someone through what I put my girlfriend through over them years. What she felt in 4 1/2 years is what I felt in 2 months and wow it was the most pain I ever felt in my life.

 

Moral of this story, be honest and respectful to your partner. Lies and deception can take its toll, especially when you least expect it from a loved one. Us men can be jerks to women, once a woman realises her importantance and her identity, they can hurt you back twice as hard without even trying. I have learnt my lesson, maybe not the way I wanted to but indeed I will remain loyal and honest.

Edited April 4, 2019 by Badluck