Am I being overly sensitive or is my marriage in trouble?

[Marc878]

You should both get and read "Not Just Friends" by Glass

[warwick]

Yes, good suggestion. Someone else made this suggestion (maybe it was) the last time I went through something like this with my wife and I downloaded the book and didn’t read it. I’m reading it now. It’s very good.

 

There was no infidelity here as my wife has pointed out. This is an issue of boundaries, so she can live her life and I can live mine and we have clear expectations regarding boundaries and to avoid behavior that raises the perception of issues.

 

I just need to get her onboard with this.

 

Thank you!

[warwick]

I've been more proactive than I've communicated, in some ways not in others.

 

I did look at her phone records last June/July when this issue first became apparent. I did not see any calls or texts with the former coworker that she met for drinks. I did check a tracking tool that we use for our kids and saw that she went to the place that they designated and was there for roughly 75 min, which was a public restaurant. I did not see any communication, email, text, phone calls, facebook messenger, ... after.

 

I did tell her she was lying about saying that she only learned that he was going through a divorce when she met him. She knew this beforehand b/c she told me at the time that she mentioned that he had been terminated.

 

I did confront her on the texts this past sunday with the other coworker from years ago, who I know had become a friend. She pulled out her ipad and read through the texts. I pointed out that she texted with him 9 times a year ago after 12:30am and she said she didn't recall what that was about and tried to pull up the texts but they were gone. I had already checked this and knew that the current ones were the only texts with this guy on her ipad and they were mostly about work ...a few about family, kids, but nothing intimate. He even stated in the text that it had been over a year since they had "chatted".

 

We are going to MC today and meeting with two different counselors. This is new for us ....or new this time around.

 

The situation is not good but we are at least discussing it. She's either clueless, self-centered and/or uncaring --- or some strange mix of the three. I'm sure that this will be a focus for our MC sessions.

 

I have brought up separation/divorce before and it rattles her.

 

Now we have to deal with this boundary issue. I didn't think it would be a problem. I thought it would be pretty cut and dry. Damn, i'm sorry, i understand how you would have felt about this. But this didn't really happen.

 

So, there are three options.

1. A big old lightning bolt of awareness and course correction, including clear rules of engagement going forward regarding boundaries.

2. No movement and we adopt the rules that she's defined and we are free to meet with former coworkers that are divorced, single, married, etc.

3. Separation and divorce.

 

I'm pretty clear about this. Now she needs to become aware of this.

 

Thanks for your comments and insights.

[warwick]

But to be clear, I agree that the situation sucks and is untenable and needs to be addressed - PERIOD!!

 

And I'm amazed and stunned that she hasn't been more responsive and understanding but this is why we're in this situation.

[TobyBoy]

Who initiated the texts? Were they legit work questions or “opening the door, let’s see where this leads” questions?

[warwick]

I didn’t really wait to get MC, I was just crazy busy with work and getting the first sessions scheduled for both of us was challenging.

 

The first session was good. I think it made her stop and think about what she did - maybe for the first time. She changed a few of the facts when she told the story to suit her side. I don’t know why it’s taking me this long to realize that she’s a very capable liar. She’s just trying to twist the story a little bit, but I have the facts burned into my head and captured in images.

 

She kept saying that there was “no infertility” but she’s being forced to deal with the intentions and boundary issues. We’ll see how it plays out, but believe that we’re on the right track. Time will tell.

[warwick]

I meant to write “infidelity” ...she said “there was no infidlity”...that’s funny...Freudian typo.. I need to stop using google Swype on my phone.

 

Next session is tomorrow. 3 days after the first. Her choice. I didn’t want to go back so quickly but she really liked it. The counselor is sharp.

[warwick]

We are getting into the issues of boundaries and emotional affairs now.

 

Regarding the comments of waiting to get into MC and treating her like a princess, these are valid points during this past year+. As I mentioned, I went through a bad period for a year or so with two accidents (biking and auto) that resulted in two separate concussions within six months and the recovery was tough. I was concerned that our marriage was over but just didn’t want it to end then. I was in a bad spot and I wasn’t that easy to get along with. My wife was very supportive and helpful for the most part, except for this incident or period of incidents.

 

There’s an indication that she thought our marriage was over also during this time. So during this period I let a number of things go.

 

Things have changed and I’m calling BS on stuff more than I did during this period. MC is really about reassessing and recalibration and working on communication and figuring out what we are going to do with our marriage.

[warwick]

She has agreed to go to counseling and appears very committed to the process. She was the one that committed us to return tomorrow, which is only 3 days after the first session.

 

Now she needs to agree to tell the truth in these sessions.

[warwick]

We're making good progress together. MC is already helping to open up the dialogue between us and talk through more of our issues.

 

Loveshack.org is a great forum, but you all hear my side of the story, which is biased by my own perspective. I'm not without fault here and I can be a bit of a dickhead sometimes in how I communicate, which my wife is pointing out.

 

...upward and onward !

[warwick]

We've had two sessions with the MC so far. The first one we did together and discussed a range of issues and our marriage in general.

 

The second session we each had separate one-on-ones with the MC. I went second. The MC described an "abyss" between us, which didn't sound good. I explained this issue with the two different guys, one divorced and one married. I walked the MC through it and what I did and explained that there my wife explained that there is no relationship of any substance with either of these men and that I don't believe there was any sort of sexual relationship, but that the optics aren't good.

 

The MC gave me kudos for my "vigilance" and explained that there doesn't have to be a sexual relationship for it to be a problem and this is something that we should be talking exhaustively about outside of counseling. My wife clearly doesn't see these past issues as a real problem, which is part of the problem.

 

The third session is planned for next week in which the MC provides us an assessment of our marriage based on what she's learned and survey that we each take separately regarding our marriage. I expect to learn more about the "abyss" between us and what we need to be doing about it.

[warwick]

I agree with your perspective on this.

 

I sat down with my wife last evening in the backyard over a glass of wine and we went through this whole thing, starting with the comment by our MC that we "should be talking exhaustively about this". It was a difficult conversation to get going but once we did it we got to a good place.

 

She was pissed that I didn't just come to her in the first place with my issues instead of going behind her back and reading her emails. I explained that the prior argument that we had where she essentially put our marriage on notice had put me in a different place and made me question whether she was starting to venture outside the marriage. She understood this.

 

I then explained that relationships can start and turn into something well before they become sexual, ie., emotional relationships. And this is something that needs to be understood by both of us and we should agree to certain boundaries and behaviors. I also discussed the texting situation.

 

She admitted that she was sorry for arranging this meeting with her former coworker without informing me first. And that going forward, this rule should apply to both of us.

 

I won't walk you through all the boring details of our conversation, but it was exhaustive and we got a good a place. She understands why I did what I did and apologized for not being more understanding and considerate. I told her that I was sorry for reading her emails, but that under the circumstances, would do it again -- despite not wanting to.

 

My big lesson here is to get us to sit down and talk through this stuff and the guidelines / boundary issues that are in play, but hopefully this won't be an issue going forward --- time will tell.

 

Thanks for your help.

[usa1ah]

I really hope you are right about it not being a physical affair. So easy for it to have been on a business trip together.

 

One guy found out his wife was with her boss that was 30 years older then her. He found a box of condoms in her suitcase, opened.