Husband's family drama

[Octi]

Hello! First time post but long time lurker!

 

My husband and I have been together for five years, married for two, and we have an 8 month old.

 

I've always gotten along very well with his family. He is the oldest of five and is also adopted (having a family of his own is extremely important to him).

 

My husband has had a strained relationship with his siblings for the past several years, and I've been the one kind of trying to mend things to keep the peace (spending holidays together, celebrating graduations, etc.) If it were up to my husband, we'd spend all holidays and special events either with my family or just ourselves.

 

He has always told me how his family is disrespectful and that his mom is very pushy but I never saw that because it was never directed to me. However, within the past year, I have really finally started to see what he means.

 

When I was in the hospital for delivery, it was very traumatic and ended up with me being put under for an emergency c-section. My husband wasn't with me during the process and I didn't even get to hold our baby until I woke up 45 minutes after it all happened. It was just very emotional.

 

My husband made it very clear that we both did not want visitors at the hospital except for parents. So what does his mom do? Bring his sister. We were both emotionally drained from the event and didn't have the energy to argue.

 

We also made it clear that no one would hold our baby except for us and parents while at the hospital. This really upset his mom because his sister was "heading off to college soon and needs all the time she can get!" Well the second my husband leaves to get something to eat, his mom basically corners me, makes me feel very uncomfortable and pleads with me to let SIL hold baby. She knew what she was doing - and I wish I had said no, it's a HUGE regret because those first 24 hours are so precious.

 

I end up staying at the hospital for 6 days, and his mom and sister come every day, always with the same guilt story - she's going away, she NEEDS to hold her niece, let her have some time with her niece!

 

We let it slide because we stated we were going on a one week lockdown - as soon as we got home, we wanted no visitors for a week. We wanted this time to acclimate together with our baby in our house. Well guess who keeps showing up with excuses to come over? His mom and TWO sisters this time. I was exhausted and trying to breastfeed, and all they wanted to do was treat our baby like a doll. I felt like our wishes were just disregarded completely.

 

The next couple months, whenever his sister was home, his mom wouldn't even ask if she could visit, she would just say "when would be a good time for her to come over?" as if we had already agreed she could visit in the first place. This happened so many times that my husband finally said no.

 

They argued, and my husband told her everything that was wrong since the delivery. There's peace for a while and we make plans for Thanksgiving.

 

At Thanksgiving, his sister doesn't even acknowledge us and doesn't even act cordial - but still expects to interact with our baby. Um no, you don't get to play with our baby and act like we don't exist. The next day, a huge blowout happens with my husband confronting his mom and sister about everything - and his mom just keeps defending his sister. We end up leaving and my husband breaks down and cries out of frustration.

 

His mom argues with him weeks later when he tells her we won't be spending Christmas with them after what happened on Thanksgiving.

 

She goes around and tells her whole family what a bad son he's being, keeping her grandchild away from her, making my husband out to be the bad guy in front of all his aunts and uncles. It breaks my heart because he keeps saying that he has a new family, but I know it hurts him.

 

His other sister recently came to visit and after hours of spending time together, she says to our baby as she's leaving, "I guess I won't be seeing you much anymore. Your dad won't let everyone over. So until everyone can visit, I won't be visiting."

 

???? Why did she even come then??? If that's really her belief, why did she come at all? My husband was really annoyed, like she was trying to make us feel guilty.

 

His brother recently got engaged, and we found out through social media. There's a picture of them - his mom and his four siblings. So he was the only one not there.

 

I just have no words. My family is the complete opposite. My husband loves my family and always feels respected, there's no drama.

 

Do we cut them off? I honestly don't want our daughter and future kids around these people.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly all you can do is say "Honey I love you & however you want to handle this is fine with me" He wanted little to do with them to begin with. You pushed for reconciliation. I would have done the same thing. Now you are seeing why he wanted distance.

 

At some point you can both say to them when you are ready to be respectful, our door is open but not until then. They will probably come back after a year or two.

[preraph]

Gawd, I just can't believe people can be that pushy and just ignore the wishes of someone about their baby. It's just very pushy and wrong. And then they go around talking to others demonizing you with tears in their eyes like you're the selfish one. If she wants a baby that bad, she can adopt another one.

[Octi]

Sadly all you can do is say "Honey I love you & however you want to handle this is fine with me" He wanted little to do with them to begin with. You pushed for reconciliation. I would have done the same thing. Now you are seeing why he wanted distance.

 

At some point you can both say to them when you are ready to be respectful, our door is open but not until then. They will probably come back after a year or two.

 

Thank you so much for your response! That is exactly what I've told him - that we're a team and I'll support him in what he decides. It's just a sad situation because he's done so many things for his mom and his siblings, being the oldest. He feels rejected, which brings up feelings of abandonment from being adopted.

 

I just don't understand how these people have time for all this pettiness!

[Octi]

Gawd, I just can't believe people can be that pushy and just ignore the wishes of someone about their baby. It's just very pushy and wrong. And then they go around talking to others demonizing you with tears in their eyes like you're the selfish one. If she wants a baby that bad, she can adopt another one.

 

Thank you for your reply and understanding! Honestly, that wasn't even half of the issue! His sisters are all so needy and always complaining - they are so negative and attack my husband for his opinions.

 

We've always paid his mom our phone bill on time (we've since gotten a separate line) while his siblings get a free ride.

 

My husband gave his BRAND new car to his mom when hers broke down (this was around when we first met). And his family TORE IT UP. Literally. The car has scratches on the sides from his sisters driving it, the bumper was hanging off from an accident that was one of his sister's fault, the interior lining was sagging. That car was bought new and paid for in full.

 

I just can't understand their thinking.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like the mother in particular has significant blind spots when it comes to other people's boundaries. The siblings probably take after her to varying degrees due to their socialization via her.

 

Some people are born socializers and are good at manipulating a situation through the power of the group. An overbearing mother/MIL with this particular approach to life does indeed sound like a major PIA. Plus it sounds like your husband doesn't have good strategies for dealing with it.

 

Estrangement would be unfortunate, but it looks like a real possible outcome here. It might be unavoidable.

 

I suspect the mom is the lynchpin in this situation. If you can "swing" her to a more reasonable approach, the rest of the siblings may fall into line and family visits with those you actually WANT to see (if any) will become an option again.

 

One possible approach would be to have a long conversation with her pointing out that you don't WANT to never see them all again but that she and the rest of the family needs to become MUCH more conscious and more respectful of you and your husband's boundaries. Otherwise, that might indeed happen. This may start to feel almost like a negotiation as I suspect she would need clarification on what your boundaries really are and what she and others are doing wrong. This may be a sort of mental blind spot for her that will need to be explored without making her feel too humiliated about it.

 

She has four other kids and so doesn't "need" you and your husband, so is in something of a position of strength from her perspective. However, if she has the type of personality I suspect she does, at some level she will also be interested in maintaining the bond with her all of you (and esp. the grandson). She will probably view you coming to her as weakness. So, in order to "negotiate" as equals it will have to be recognized (but NOT rubbed in her face) that you indeed have other options (your family) and that not being part of each other's lives is a real possible, but not preferred, outcome. Hopefully she'll be able to see what's going wrong and own up to the need to be more conscious and respectful.

 

You'll have to decide if you want to deal with this or not even bother trying given the situation. You may also think of some other ways to try to address it.

 

I do think there's no guarantee of success. It would be unfortunate in my view to never see them, as your son will probably sooner or later find it odd that there's a large number of family members that he doesn't see or know. So there's that to consider too.

Edited April 7, 2019 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

What was actually wrong with his sister being there at the hospital and why make rules about who gets to hold the baby?

 

Your husband has a very bad attitude to his family and so it is no wonder they excluded him from the brother's engagement, who wants to keep dealing with that?

 

He seems determined to cause trouble, and now he seems to be playing the victim, obviously he has a chip on his shoulder for some reason, I guess the adoption. Try to get him some help so he can work through it.

[Octi]

You'll have to decide if you want to deal with this or not even bother trying given the situation. You may also think of some other ways to try to address it.

 

I do think there's no guarantee of success. It would be unfortunate in my view to never see them, as your son will probably sooner or later find it odd that there's a large number of family members that he doesn't see or know. So there's that to consider too.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response! It's a lot to consider but I think you hit the nail on the head for her personality. We've made it known our door is open - we took his mom out for her birthday and said yes when his sister wanted to visit (and then she said goodbye in the most dramatic way possible). I feel like it things aren't 100% their way, they aren't happy.

Edited April 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Octi]

What was actually wrong with his sister being there at the hospital and why make rules about who gets to hold the baby?

 

Your husband has a very bad attitude to his family and so it is no wonder they excluded him from the brother's engagement, who wants to keep dealing with that?

 

He seems determined to cause trouble, and now he seems to be playing the victim, obviously he has a chip on his shoulder for some reason, I guess the adoption. Try to get him some help so he can work through it.

 

Thank you for your input. Regardless of our reasons for wanting no visitors at the hospital except for parents, it was still our decision as new parents that was not respected. I have heard of new parents not wanting visitors for six weeks, I thought our wishes were very lenient. And my family had no problem respecting them.

 

As for his attitude and playing the victim, I disagree - but I'm bias and I still appreciate your taking the time to write from a different perspective, thank you.

[mark clemson]

Hope it is helpful, Octi. I've known several people, including one direct supervisor, who are extremely social like that. The supervisor was surprisingly effective at getting things done (by knowing exactly who to go to within a large organization) despite seemingly being mostly interesting in schmoozing, getting her kids sports scholarships, and things like basketball games and large dinners.

 

And suffice it to say that your husband is far from being the only person in the world with an overbearing mother. My own mom's personality and (different) blind spots have become a running joke with my wife and I.

 

Hope you are able to resolve this in a way that's satisfying for you and H.

[preraph]

There are lots of people who don't want anyone except their spouse at the birth. I mean, kind of an invasion of privacy!

[Mr. Lucky]

Do we cut them off? I honestly don't want our daughter and future kids around these people.

 

I think you - and your husband - need to settle on a path forward and stick to that approach. Lots of waffling going on, and in many ways you don't have an in-laws problem, you have a "won't stand up for ourselves" problem.

 

Boundaries are something you yourself enforce, not (as you've found out) a line other people hesitate to cross. If you're resolute. doesn't matter whether they respect your limits as they'll just be inconveniencing themselves sitting in the hospital parking lot or outside your house unadmitted.

 

So, at least to me, the real issue has been your inability to walk your own walk. No surprise from them, they're exactly as your husband represented them. The person that needs to change is you - if this is what you think is important, stick to your guns. All you've done so far is to reinforce, if they're pushy and obnoxious enough, they'll get their way.

 

Congratulations on the addition to your family...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited April 8, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

Did they just show up uninvited, or did they at least give you and your husband a heads up (and try to convince or guilt trip you guys into changing your mind)? If it’s the latter, then I agree with the above poster that you need to be very firm about your boundaries. No one can be guilt tripped into doing anything without her/his consent. I know a pair of sisters with an aggressive mother. One is always miserable, because she doesn’t want to be seen as not a good daughter and would let the mother get her way. The other never has this issue, because the mother’s guilt tripping never makes her feel guilty. Simply put, you can’t have it both ways.

 

Personally I also don’t see anything wrong with having your family holding your baby (of course you have your rights to do so). If this is his mother’s first grandkid, then it’s a big deal for everybody in the family. My mother would be deeply hurt if her kids make such a rule. At the end of the day, their visits meant well and I just can’t comprehend how your husband could be bothered so much.

Edited April 8, 2019 by JuneL

[bathtub-row]

I agree that they were being disrespectful of your wishes but I also have to wonder why you guys want to keep the family at arms length at such a time. I’m sure you have your reasons but I think the two of you are being too distant and making them feel left out. If your husband is so intent on having a family, why doesn’t he embrace them and invite them in his life?

[elaine567]

I agree that they were being disrespectful of your wishes but I also have to wonder why you guys want to keep the family at arms length at such a time. I’m sure you have your reasons but I think the two of you are being too distant and making them feel left out. If your husband is so intent on having a family, why doesn’t he embrace them and invite them in his life?

 

Exactly.

Family love new babies.

[anika99]

There are lots of people who don't want anyone except their spouse at the birth. I mean, kind of an invasion of privacy!

 

I don't think they were at the birth, the way I read it they came afterwards and wanted to hold the baby.

 

OP I get that you want your own family and that you want his family to respect your boundaries. I totally get wanting some privacy at home with your baby and husband. However, there are families that have far deeper problems than you are describing here. There are worse things than having extended family wanting too spend a lot of time with your baby.

 

My cousin and his wife just had a baby and his mother (my aunt ) ust spent 2 weeks staying with them. I guess the difference is that they wanted her there, but honestly I don't really understand wanting to sequester yourselves and your baby away from family.

 

I mean you should be able to say no to the occasional visit if you are or the baby are feeling tired but I'm not sure if this is so much about doing what's best for your baby as it is about using your baby to gain the upper hand with his family. How is the sister holding the baby detrimental to your baby? Then this "you don't get to play with the baby if you're going to ignore us" This all sounds like ego and a play for power. Not saying his sister was right in her behaviour either, but what does the baby have to do with your husband and sister in laws petty fights? She's ignoring you so she shouldn't be paying attention to your baby either? No sorry, those two things should not be equated with each other at all. The baby has nothing to do with petty family drama and should not be brought into this.

 

I think you have some valid feelings but try to see that the grandma and aunts have feelings that may also be valid. They are super excited to have this sweet bundle of joy in the family and want to spend as much time with her/him as they can. There are worse things. You have a right to set your boundaries but try to keep things in a healthy perspective.

[Whoknew30]

Thank you so much for your response! That is exactly what I've told him - that we're a team and I'll support him in what he decides. It's just a sad situation because he's done so many things for his mom and his siblings, being the oldest. He feels rejected, which brings up feelings of abandonment from being adopted.

 

I just don't understand how these people have time for all this pettiness!

 

You’re being just as petty! I understand getting a little annoyed about not being specifically listeded to but it was his sister excisyed about the baby. Once you have a baby they are a family member that will have different relationships with family members than their parents. So maybe you all won’t get along but they treat your child like gold...what’s wrong with that? Your tying up adult problems & already making your child part of it. “If you don’t like us you can’t like our child”! That’s not good parenting either.

 

 

I don’t like my SIL at all but I love My nephew...I’ll never be disrespected to his mother in front of him but it’s absolutely disgusting as a mom that bc I dont Like her she uses her child against me bc we don’t do things “he exact way she does”. No one iS EVER going to do things just as The parents bc they are not their parents...abuse or unsafe behavior, why get petty that extra people love your child but not you?

 

My oldest is in their 20’s & has wonderful relationships with family I’m not crazy about but they treat her wonderfully...I’m happy (& any emotional mature parent should be) that age has extra people that love her. Being a good parent is beyond being bossy, it’s actually putting what’s best for your child before your own emotions. Good luck