How to display availability without scaring men off?

[mark clemson]

@GoodOnPaper

 

I always hoped to find someone who seemed as drawn to me as (I imagine) women are drawn to someone they'd have a ONS with but that never happened.

 

I've found body language makes a big difference with this. Of course by the time I figured it out I'm already married. Can't complain really, just somewhat ironic.

[Hopeful30]

Just read the following article at this link: https://thepowermoves.com/dont-delay-sex/

 

This caught my attention: "Waiting too long to have sex is a mistake because he will feel like he’s not important to you sexually. And men do get their validation through sex."

 

Is this true? Is sex the only thing that makes men feel "manly"? I mean, I've faked plenty of orgasms and have seen first-hand how men literally *glow* when they think they've pleased me, which is great because I love when my men feel good...but then I am never satisfied.

 

When I'm honest about sex, it takes time to work me up, and halfway men lose confidence or suddenly want to break up because they don't feel "adequate" for me. Like what the f*ck people?? Since when is honesty and *working* towards good sex a scary thing? Are men really so insecure?

 

I've been "that" woman men adore, who does everything sexually and makes him feel like a god...but these relationships were my most unsatisfying ones. Why must I sacrifice my own pleasure just to protect my man's ego and insecurity?

 

Men who are secure in the sac are taken (perhaps they are secure because they have access to regular sex?) Furthermore, men are easy to get into bed (when he's not committed anyway). I never understood why they go for the easy ones and pass up someone that isn't so easy. I've dumped men after learning that they've slept with half the city (GROSS!). Why aren't men just as turned off?

 

Sometimes I wish I could be slutty. Maybe that's why all the promiscuous women are married with kids. They slept around, some guy felt good about himself because she was easy, and presto! Let's marry this woman because I didn't have to earn her.

 

Sigh. I think I'm just talking in circles to make myself feel better. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I've travelled the world, worked on myself, building a career, have my own place...I've done everything. I'm only 30 and I feel like an old grandma who doesn't have much about life to discover anymore. The worst part is that I don't even share my best memories with anyone. All the most amazing things I've done in life, I've done alone. There isn't even anyone to remember these beautiful memories with. That breaks my heart so much. I hate doing things alone, and yet this is my entire life.

Edited April 11, 2019 by Hopeful30

[stillafool]

Do you have a group of girlfriends?

[Hopeful30]

Do you have a group of girlfriends?

 

I do, yes. They're all in relationships lol literally *all* of them I don't see them often for this reason, but we do get together once in a while! Always great fun.

 

They don't know many single guys because they mingle in "couple" groups, but on occasion they have set me up on blind dates. These blind dates were single for very very obvious reasons (no job, drugs, extremely unattractive, etc.) Probably I fall into the same category except people are surprised when they learn I'm single... "Why are you single?" F*ckin HATE that question with a passion.

Edited April 11, 2019 by Hopeful30

[mark clemson]

Perhaps you give off the vibe of an "easy" woman, when actually you're not? So guys who think they can get to sex quickly try to date you and then are surprised they can't. This might also make some of the LTR types more hesitant if they figure you'll move on quickly?

 

Just a thought/theory. I really don't know...

[preraph]

You could phrase it nonsexually, like, I enjoy dating because it gives me an opportunity to get to know guys. Now, some will still go running since that isn't asking for a hookup, but others might like that. There's nothing wrong with filtering out ones you ultimately don't want to waste time on, though. It also has a subtle message of 'probably won't hookup on the first date,' and that's good too.

 

I learned that in my self-employment eventually and put up a sign that said, "I want to work less for more money, not work more for less money," adding that I had no tolerance for late payers. I have actually put that right out there and it filtered out people who wouldn't pay on time or were cheap or whatever.

 

I'm all about telling people what you do and don't want.

[Youngestdaughter]

First of all, forget your friends. Be yourself. Secondly, don't look for a relationship. Relationships happen when two people fall in love and falling in love is like falling in a hole. It just happens. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you don't sound less than confident. That's not the time to start a serious relationship. Just go out and have fun. Flirt. Build your confidence. Be mysterious. When a man asks what you're looking for, say, "Whatever happens." The right time to have sex is when you're ready. And you won't have to let the right man know you're looking for a relationship. You will both feel it. Pardon the cliche, but just do what comes naturally. And remember, your objective is to find a man you like, not make him like you. Good luck!

[Hopeful30]

Perhaps you give off the vibe of an "easy" woman, when actually you're not? So guys who think they can get to sex quickly try to date you and then are surprised they can't. This might also make some of the LTR types more hesitant if they figure you'll move on quickly?

 

Just a thought/theory. I really don't know...

 

Your theory makes sense, but I'm not sure how a woman can appear easy if she's very much not lol I thought being friendly, smiles and easy-going is a good thing? It makes you more approachable. Plus, it's in my nature.

 

First of all, forget your friends. Be yourself. Secondly, don't look for a relationship. Relationships happen when two people fall in love and falling in love is like falling in a hole. It just happens. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you don't sound less than confident. That's not the time to start a serious relationship. Just go out and have fun. Flirt. Build your confidence. Be mysterious. When a man asks what you're looking for, say, "Whatever happens." The right time to have sex is when you're ready. And you won't have to let the right man know you're looking for a relationship. You will both feel it. Pardon the cliche, but just do what comes naturally. And remember, your objective is to find a man you like, not make him like you. Good luck!

 

All the "flirting, mystery and going out to have fun" was done in my twenties. I'm much far past that stage lol and I disagree, now is the perfect time to start a serious relationship. Plus, falling "in love" is a very naive concept. We all know that for a sustainable partnership, you need pretty much everything other than `falling inlove`lol

Edited April 12, 2019 by Hopeful30

[Hopeful30]

You could phrase it nonsexually, like, I enjoy dating because it gives me an opportunity to get to know guys. Now, some will still go running since that isn't asking for a hookup, but others might like that. There's nothing wrong with filtering out ones you ultimately don't want to waste time on, though. It also has a subtle message of 'probably won't hookup on the first date,' and that's good too.

 

I learned that in my self-employment eventually and put up a sign that said, "I want to work less for more money, not work more for less money," adding that I had no tolerance for late payers. I have actually put that right out there and it filtered out people who wouldn't pay on time or were cheap or whatever.

 

I'm all about telling people what you do and don't want.

 

It's appropriate in a workplace setting, sure, but in a romantic setting I think it's the worst idea. Try telling a man straight-up "I don't play games, want a serious relationship, and am not an easy gal". You will have them running for the hills. Heck, even I would run away if a man said that to me, even though I'm in the same boat. Too harsh and sets high expectations I feel

[preraph]

^ I didn't say any of what you said I said, though. I guess that's how you interpreted it? All I said is "I enjoy dating because it gives me an opportunity to get to know guys."

 

I did not say what you said I said, which is "I don't play games, want a serious relationship, and am not an easy gal," which you are right is too much. Which is why I didn't say it.

[Logo]

Just to elaborate a little - as a man, if I'm dating and there's a woman who wants to take six weeks to get to know me and "establish" that I'm LTR material before sex and there's also a woman who's ok with sex on the 3rd date (or possibly earlier if all other signs are good), I'm probably going to end up with woman #2. She's establishing what is for me one of the most important bonds early in the game. For better or worse, that's how many men are wired.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of men who are exceptions to this, but they are going to be fewer and farther between.

 

 

 

If I was dating a woman that I was interested in and felt she was into me as much as I was into her, I would be okay waiting six weeks.

 

But it's not as simple as that. Lately I have been thinking about building emotional intimacy and trust and seeing if I like that person as a person first before engaging in sexual activity. Sex can sometimes give us the false feeling that we like a person or that we are into them when it's just the testosterone talking. I want a relationship to last and for sex to be a part of it, not based on it.

 

There are so many different angles to this. I think it's important to talk about these things and be honest about them with each other. But if one of the two has trust issues, that makes everything so much more complicated.

 

When I date a woman, I'm usually into her. Why waste my time? I'm used to dating women who have sex with me as soon as we both have mutual feelings for each other, usually by the 3rd or 4th date.

 

But sometimes a woman can withhold sex to see how serious enough the guy is about a long term relationship, or she might have a different agenda in mind that doesn't involved LTR. Maybe she's looking for a sugar daddy and isn't planning on having sex. How long is that sugar daddy going to stick around?

 

I think withholding sex on purpose is immature because it can turn into leverage. Anytime she wants to control her man, she'll withhold sex and weaponizing sex is toxic to relationships.

 

 

So the bottom line for me is that it has to flow naturally and not feel calculated or planned or even worse when it's based on random rules.

Edited April 13, 2019 by Logo

[snowcones]

It's appropriate in a workplace setting, sure, but in a romantic setting I think it's the worst idea. Try telling a man straight-up "I don't play games, want a serious relationship, and am not an easy gal". You will have them running for the hills. Heck, even I would run away if a man said that to me, even though I'm in the same boat. Too harsh and sets high expectations I feel

 

 

This is just your experience, which appears to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Poutrew]

First you say you want an honest relationship, then you say in the next sentence how you fake orgasms... perhaps you are giving off a conflicting message? Oh, and BTW gals, we guys can almost always tell if the woman we are with is 'faking' it...unless we either don't want to know or just don't care. Either way, it's bad...

[NuevoYorko]

Sounds like you're twisting yourself up all kinds of ways in order to appear to be or not be the kind of woman you think men want.

 

Stop doing that. Just be your normal self. If you need to work on things, do it, we all have areas that need improvement. These would have nothing to do with faking stuff so you can attract men.

 

Any man who you end up with needs to be into you because of who you really are. Not because you acted in a certain way.

[Hopeful30]

First you say you want an honest relationship, then you say in the next sentence how you fake orgasms... perhaps you are giving off a conflicting message? Oh, and BTW gals, we guys can almost always tell if the woman we are with is 'faking' it...unless we either don't want to know or just don't care. Either way, it's bad...

 

Lol keep telling yourself that lol

 

I USED to fake, i dont anymore. One ex with whom i didnt fake...he cheated. Yeah, thats how that went. He was a very violent and abusive guy tho, so poor example. I was so desperate for a man at that time. Just shows how years of singlehood can really screw with you.

 

Now im back on the single wagon with 4 years of no sex (one encounter actually but it was so disappointing). My mom met my dad by sleeping around, perhaps i should follow the same path. So far, being true to myself hasnt gotten me anywhere, with men (in every other aspect my life has significantly improved). I just dont get it...