aj307 Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 In need of some advice/hints that are not just my thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. I am struggling with a recent conversation with my girlfriend and i really dont know what it means or how to even interpret. Some background, we have been dating for 2 years, very happy and we get on very well. When she has her daughter she stays at her house (one still joint owned with her ex, in the process of selling) and the time she doesn't have her daughter she stays with me. Gets on well with the kids, they really do like her. She is in the process of moving to a new house which i knew about and was on board with. The issue is she told me yesterday that she needs time to figure out who she is and when she moves into the new house she doesn't think its a good idea to stay over at my house when she doesn't have her daughter. This is something that came out of the blue, absolutely nothing in the past months to even indicate this. Its calling now into question what this means for me and us, and whether everything she has that indicates she loves me and is happy has or is a lie. My head is spinning right now with so many questions and scenarios mainly due to me being surprised. I dont know how to take this, not sure what to do with this and feeling completely overwhelmed. Any tips, advice.. anything other than my crazy thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 A move is one of the most stressful things. If she wants a night of peace to herself, give it to her. She doesn't dislike you & the relationship is not necessarily on the rocks. She may simply want some quiet time to do her laundry, eat crackers in bed, take a leisurely bath just to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 And she'll want time to help her daughter settle in too. Anyway , if you think there's more to it , when she's had a week or two to unwind , talk to her about it, wouldn't push it right now though that'd be just selfish , she already has her hands full. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 I guess it is over. She is finally moving on. New house, new regime, new life... She doesn't need you any more. Sorry! After 2 years, there needed to be some discussion about where this relationship was heading, the fact she went ahead and bought a new house, suggests to me that she had her own idea of where she was going and you were not included in it. Maybe you were not quite at the moving in together stage, but with that in mind she could have rented, but no she made the decision to buy and to plough that furrow alone... Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 Yes, I understand your fears on this, you are worrying is it the end of your relationship and so on, I would tend to agree with the above two comments though, no need to panic just yet, give her the space she requests and see how it develops over the next while, I have made mistakes myself previously of not giving a person space when they requested it, Even though it may be hard today, when someone asks for space you are better to give them that space and not push it. things will then hopefully revert to normal in a month or two Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 I guess it is over. She is finally moving on. New house, new regime, new life... She doesn't need you any more. Sorry! After 2 years, there needed to be some discussion about where this relationship was heading, the fact she went ahead and bought a new house, suggests to me that she had her own idea of where she was going and you were not included in it. Maybe you were not quite at the moving in together stage, but with that in mind she could have rented, but no she made the decision to buy and to plough that furrow alone... hmmm, true , that's a very big point, been in that one myself. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 Give her the space she wants and go do whatever you want. You're a free man no need to wait around for her. No need to tie yourself down to someone you aren't married to. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 Some background, we have been dating for 2 years, very happy and we get on very well. Sounds like you are projecting. It's awesome!!! So she must think so too? Well obviously she doesn't. Need space after 2 years? I doubt this is a good thing. I have to agree with Elaine. Give her all the space you can. As a matter of fact I would not contact her at all. Let her do it. The worst thing you can do right now and almost every dumb guy does is call, text, plead and beg. Jump up and do the needy clingy and make yourself look like a fool. I hope you are smarter than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 Give her the space and time she wants, and if you're not exclusive, date others. In a few months after her move, it will be clear where it's going, and you just have to act on it accordingly. Uncertainty sucks, but things will be clear soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 Maybe you were not quite at the moving in together stage, but with that in mind she could have rented, but no she made the decision to buy and to plough that furrow alone... OP didn't say she bought the house. Maybe it's rented? Don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 If she has been staying at your place a lot, like every time her daughter's not with her, she may feel it's too much and want to sometimes stay home alone. The "figure out who she is" bit is very bad. You want to stay away from that. You hope to date people who've already figured it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 Give her space because she could just want some time to her self I know it sounds silly but a girl I dated wanted space once and I have it to her and she came back as for the other who wanted space and I wouldn’t giveit to them those never came back Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 she told me yesterday that she needs time to figure out who she is Show her her passport. This phrase is used almost exclusively by people who are either cheating, or wanting to end a relationship "softly". Assuming she's not cheating (which I wouldn't rule out immediately), it's a sign that she's planning a breakup. She's sewing the seeds to make it easier on you by saying it's all her fault. when she moves into the new house she doesn't think its a good idea to stay over at my house when she doesn't have her daughter. So she's not asking for 1 night a week to do chores or to have space or to relax on her own or meet with friends... she's saying she doesn't want to stay over at yours at all. And it doesn't sound like she means a couple of weeks off to settle into the new house, she means from now on. Very bad sign dude. Relationships are supposed to move forwards, but she's back-peddling. If someone is back-peddling after 2 years it's very unlikely to end well IMO. What I would do is to ask her to clarify what she means. What does "figure out who she is" mean, specifically? And what does she mean not a good idea to stay at yours, not at all, and is this temporary or permanent? I think Elaine is right - new house, new life - and you're not in the new plan. But certainly worth asking her for more info before going with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 Gets on well with the kids, they really do like her. Exactly why I think, if you have kids, it's a mistake to cohabit before you've taken some formal step. The revolving cast of characters can be very confusing to them.. Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aj307 Posted April 10, 2019 Author Share Posted April 10, 2019 Just to add some clarity, she did not buy a house. It is a house that is owned by her father. I did know in advance that she did not want to move in straight away with me, that was never an issue and one i was on board with. It is the unilateral decision on her part that she doesn't think its a good idea for her to stay over at mine while she is trying to figure out who she is. She went from that to explaining in more detail that she has been running for a while and she wants to understand what she is running from. It has called into question the whole 2 years in my mind, some kind of emotional cheating. This is not something you come up with overnight, and when i review the past couple of months there was absolutely no indication that there was a problem. She wanted to reaffirm yesterday that she does not think what she is going through is linked to our relationship, and feels that she doesn't think wants she wants out of the relationship has changed. But the day before she mentioned that one of things she needs to resolve in what is it she is looking for, the characteristics of a relationship to make sure that she finds that. How is that not a link to our current relationship. She says she still wants to see me, but how can i trust her thoughts? I feel i am in no mans land. I asked her that is she wants to contact me or in her words seek me out then she has to be the one that initiates it. Out of the blue she texted me to ask when my upcoming business trip was... just benign stuff... this morning she texted at 8am to hope the start of my day was ok. Just very confused, dont know how to interpret any of this... any help is appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Author aj307 Posted April 10, 2019 Author Share Posted April 10, 2019 Exactly why I think, if you have kids, it's a mistake to cohabit before you've taken some formal step. The revolving cast of characters can be very confusing to them.. Mr. Lucky Weeks before and for a while she was sending me links to houses? It took about 7 months for me to even bring her in front of the kids... Link to post Share on other sites
Author aj307 Posted April 10, 2019 Author Share Posted April 10, 2019 Exactly why I think, if you have kids, it's a mistake to cohabit before you've taken some formal step. The revolving cast of characters can be very confusing to them.. Mr. Lucky hmmm, true , that's a very big point, been in that one myself. There was discussions, discussions about our blended family, getting married, wanting more kids, she was the one sending me houses that we could purchase once we were ready to do that.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 There was discussions, discussions about our blended family, getting married, wanting more kids, she was the one sending me houses that we could purchase once we were ready to do that.... Even marriage itself is obviously no guarantee of long-term stability. But the act of proposal and acceptance implies one has already gone through the inventory currently occupying her thoughts. For me, I'd want that process behind me before we moved in together. Hope this works out for you and your kids. How are you handling the communication with them? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author aj307 Posted April 11, 2019 Author Share Posted April 11, 2019 Even marriage itself is obviously no guarantee of long-term stability. But the act of proposal and acceptance implies one has already gone through the inventory currently occupying her thoughts. For me, I'd want that process behind me before we moved in together. Hope this works out for you and your kids. How are you handling the communication with them? Mr. Lucky My son is older, he knows that something isnt right just because of how i have been acting. My other child is younger, i am worried about because she really connected with her, loved having her around. I have not spoken to her yet as i really dont know what to tell her. She will notice soon as my girlfriend has decided to not stay over while she figures this out. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 Her words and actions seem confusing and contradictory to you because that's exactly what they are. She doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know if she wants to carry on your relationship (despite what she may say). She wants to explore, or at least think about exploring, other options. But she wants to keep you on the back burner in case she decides she wants to keep you. That is why she's acting distant one minute (withdrawing time together etc) and acting normal, sending spontaneous messages, the next. I would say she's got more than 1 foot out of the door already, but doesn't want to close it just in case she regrets it later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 My son is older, he knows that something isnt right just because of how i have been acting. My other child is younger, i am worried about because she really connected with her, loved having her around. I have not spoken to her yet as i really dont know what to tell her. She will notice soon as my girlfriend has decided to not stay over while she figures this out. Ugh, sounds like a discussion will be needed. You might point out to your GF the consequences of her chosen course... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 Is her ex staying in the house when she's not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aj307 Posted April 12, 2019 Author Share Posted April 12, 2019 Is her ex staying in the house when she's not? Before she moved into the townhouse which occurred this week, she stayed at the house with her child while the father stayed at his brothers house. This has been going on for 2 years. When she was not at the house they still owned, she stayed at mine. Based on level of communication and the types i.e. phone calls i am pretty confident that they were not there at the same time. I actually met the ex about a month ago. He knew she was seeing someone but only 2 months ago did he know who. He wanted to meet me before i met her and their child. The request was made from him to her, i thought it was the right thing to do. It was uneventful, and she was really appreciative and she actually told me that no one has loved her that much to do anything like that for her before. Some additional information based off of the week. Bear in mind this is the first week we are going through this. So Wednesday was the first day she would have normally stayed at mine. I have not seen her since Sunday just past. We also work in the same building. So on Wednesday, she asked me if i wanted to grab a drink after work. I didn't refuse and it was her talking about stuff thats going on, not related to us. I didn't push or really ask anything about us, i just listened to her. When she left, she kissed me and said lets just see how this new schedule goes. Yesterday, there was an event with my daughter which required me to pick her up after school and take her to be looked at. She wanted to come with us, and said she would be there for both of us in a heartbeat. I refused at the time and said it was ok. She ended up coming to see us afterwards and talked to my daughter and said things like if you need to talk to me i am always here. At the time i didn't think that much of it, but my daughter was very much appreciative of the support and in her mind sees her as a stable part of her life. She texted me afterwards, to tell me she was thinking of me and was very proud of how i handled it and that we will face it together again tomorrow. Now, with lack of sleep and maybe overthinking, i came to the conclusion 'what the hell is going on and what the hell is she doing'. I do believe she is a nice thoughtful person, with a big heart. But why would i let someone be there for my daughter when i have zero idea that she will be there when she needs to figure herself out. Or even there after she has figured herself out and we break up. Then am i giving her to much credit, as part of me thinks she wouldn't do this if she knew that she is backing out... Just full of thoughts in my head that i am struggling to make sense of. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Then am i giving her to much credit, as part of me thinks she wouldn't do this if she knew that she is backing out... Just full of thoughts in my head that i am struggling to make sense of. I don't think there's any answer to your situation except time. We can guess, you can guess, none of it matters until her intentions revealed. If the relationship has been good to this point, I'd be patient in my assessments even though your brain obviously working overtime. Hard to be in love with someone without making yourself vulnerable, just part of the game. Though you can't go on like this forever, I'd ride this out in the short term... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 When someone tells me or shows me that they want space. I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft. In the meantime, I am living my life, making plans, doing as I damn well please. If/when they contact me again and want to pick up where things left off, it's not going to happen the way they think it will -- assuming I'm still interested. I refuse to be put on a shelf while someone with whom I've been in a mutual relationship decides unilaterally what will happen with my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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