BF and I agreed on engagement timeline, but now I want to move it up?

[lm0905]

BF (28M) and I (25F) have been together for about 3 years. Back in October of 2018, we moved across the country from one coast to the other (a big move). During this time, I told him that we've been together for about 3 years, and we are making this big move.. I would like some sort of commitment from him (engagement), since the move is a big deal.

 

He agreed, and we agreed that after one year of us living together (October 2019), within 6 months of that we will get engaged (but we agreed it'll probably happen before 2020). Great! But, I am starting to think about potentially wanting to get engaged sooner. We aren't poor, we are making ends meet and saving a ton. But BF just got a side-hussle that is giving him a good amount of extra cash every month.

 

I found a ring that I liked that's about $4,300 and told him about it. He said, 'oh it's only $4,300? Maybe in a few months, we could just buy it and use our joint account to pay for it" (I told him I'd like to help pay for it, just cause I felt it was the right thing to do).

 

For the past few months though, I bring getting engaged up to him and he gets frustrated when I talk about it. So if I am going to bring up/want to have a sit-down discussion about my desire to change the timeline, I'm gonna wait a few more weeks to do it.

 

But is there any advice that I could get to help me get my point across and give a good reason as to not waiting the 7 months more?

[clia]

For the past few months though, I bring getting engaged up to him and he gets frustrated when I talk about it.

 

Of course he does. You two already had this discussion and came to an agreement and now you are bringing it up again. I would be frustrated, too.

 

So if I am going to bring up/want to have a sit-down discussion about my desire to change the timeline, I'm gonna wait a few more weeks to do it.

 

But is there any advice that I could get to help me get my point across and give a good reason as to not waiting the 7 months more?

 

Are you asking us to come up with a reason for you, or do you have a reason? If you have a reason, then just tell him. If your reason is just "I changed my mind," then you might have a difficult time convincing him.

[Mrin]

Don't.

 

That's all I can say. It will only turn out very poorly for you.

[lm0905]

Don't.

 

That's all I can say. It will only turn out very poorly for you.

 

Yeah, I know you are right. I'll just bite my tongue for the next 7 months LOL

[Els]

Some will disagree, but IMO getting engaged, getting married, having a child, or even just having sex with each other for the first time... the one thing that all of these things have in common is that it should happen when BOTH parties are ready. The person who prefers the later date should be allowed to set the timeline, and they should not be pressured into doing it sooner than they want. Otherwise that's just a recipe for resentment down the road.

 

Of course, the person who is ready sooner can decide that they're not willing to wait that long, and leave... but if you're going to leave over a 7-month timeline discrepancy, you probably shouldn't be marrying him in the first place.

[BaileyB]

I think he is very aware of how you are feeling. No need to bring it up and discuss it further. He will propose to you, when he is ready. And, not a moment before...

[basil67]

It's difficult to give advice because the only rationale you've given for wanting to get engaged earlier is a $4K ring. What is the actual reason for moving the engagement timeline?

[bathtub-row]

I think you realize you made a mistake by moving before getting married and now you’re getting anxious about it. I say just deal with it at this point. And is there some reason why he can’t buy the ring for you? Are you going to handhold him throughout his whole life?

[PegNosePete]

Engagement timescale? Isn't he supposed to pop the question when he's ready? And aren't you supposed to be surprised and excited and happy?

 

All this over-planning just seems like a really bad idea to me, it takes all the fun out of it and defeats the whole point.

 

If you want commitment then you should be getting married, not making a timescale for an engagement. You do know that an engagement is absolutely zero commitment in practical terms, right? It can be broken with a single word, and he even gets the ring back (in many jurisdictions). Only marriage is a real commitment, that is much more difficult (and expensive) to break.

Edited April 9, 2019 by PegNosePete

[Wallysbears]

Did you ever think maybe he got the side job to make extra money to surprise you?

 

Slow down.

[Els]

Engagement timescale? Isn't he supposed to pop the question when he's ready? And aren't you supposed to be surprised and excited and happy?

 

 

Most couples nowadays talk about engagement before the actual proposal "happens" - it makes sense to me to make such big plans together, rather than one person having to do guesswork. The fact that they are getting engaged is rarely a genuine "surprise" for the woman, and I don't see how it can be without a huge lack of communication about future plans... Of course, other things like the ring, the proposal, the actual day etc can still be a surprise.

 

I do still agree with this:

 

All this over-planning just seems like a really bad idea to me, it takes all the fun out of it and defeats the whole point.

IMO, if you've already talked about the engagement itself, you should sit down, relax, and still let him "surprise" you with the time, the manner of the proposal, and the ring. There is no point in trying to nitpick it to death.

 

That being said, if the OP is picking the ring AND paying half the price of it (which is something that already takes all the romance out of it IMO, I can't imagine doing that!), it doesn't seem much of a stretch for her to also want to pick the time and the manner of the proposal...

 

Or maybe, don't have a proposal at all and just get engaged on a certain day?

[Redhead14]

The operative word in your thread title is "agreed". Don't let your anxiety and enthusiasm rule over your decision. You decided with him, jointly, to get engaged in 7 more months. That's the decision and you need to stick to it. If there was some significant factor that came up that didn't exist when you made that agreement and affects the decision, that's one thing, but you just being antsy about it is not a good enough reason to change the plan.

 

It sounds to me like this guy has a specific plan and that is sweet and he is doing it right and putting effort into it. If you step on his plans and interfere, it's going to make him anxious and frustrated.

 

You are setting a precedent here also -- if you make a joint decision on big things in a relationship and you are second-guessing those decisions throughout a committed relationship, there's going to be tension and lots of arguments. Conviction/sticking to your word and confidence in decision-making is a big deal in a relationship.

[BC1980]

After 3 years, you know if you want to marry someone. His behavior clearly indicates that he doesn't want to marry you. You can end this now or wait around for another 3 years. Look, you've gotten to the point of doing all the legwork of finding an engagement ring and coming up with a plan to pay for it. All by yourself. That should be a clear sign that you're not on the same page as him.

[elaine567]

You moved across country and got not one ounce of commitment out of him

and now you are panicking as he is showing no signs of actually wanting to get engaged.

You made a basic mistake there

[Els]

After 3 years, you know if you want to marry someone. His behavior clearly indicates that he doesn't want to marry you. You can end this now or wait around for another 3 years. Look, you've gotten to the point of doing all the legwork of finding an engagement ring and coming up with a plan to pay for it. All by yourself. That should be a clear sign that you're not on the same page as him.

 

 

Oh for chrissakes. The OP specifically said that she told him she WANTED to pay for it and she also said they agreed on the end of 2019. How is it his fault that she's looking for her own engagement rings and insisting on paying for them 7 months before the agreed upon date?

 

 

If you went and bought yourself a birthday present 7 months before your birthday, does that mean that it's a "clear sign he doesn't care about your birthday" because he didn't beat you to it? FFS.

 

 

You people are basically assuming that the OP's bf is a liar and has no plans of sticking to the agreed upon date, with no basis whatsoever. Sure that's not an impossibility, but if you're going to live your life preemptively assuming that everyone you're in a relationship with is a liar, you're in for a long, lonely one.

[Rockdad]

But is there any advice that I could get to help me get my point across and give a good reason as to not waiting the 7 months more?

 

 

I sit back and watch your type of thread so many times. I agree with Mrin that it will only turn out very poorly for you. I don't much ever comment on these type of threads because ladies don't want to hear from a older guy about such a topic. Let me ask you how much do you enjoy getting prodded?

 

 

I can answer that from a typical guys point of view, we think it sucks to be prodded and cornered about the same thing over and over. Another type of thread I watch roll by is a hurt or surprised female when her fiance gets scared off or fed up and bails out. I know you don't want that. You say you will bite your tongue for 7 months. I'd like to think so but forgive me for my doubt. Good luck to you and I do wish you well.

[BC1980]

This guy is kicking the can down the road to avoid breaking up with you. That's why he's coming up with arbitrary time lines for when you can get engaged. Either that or he's hoping he might change his mind with more time. But I can guarantee you he does not want to marry you, and I would be very surprised if he ever did.

[lana-banana]

I see no indication that he's stringing you along or doesn't want to marry you - in fact, I agree with the poster who suggested he probably picked up a side hustle to help pay for a ring. But I don't see the justification for bumping up the date, either. For all you know he did the math and determined he could afford a very nice ring by the end of the year with his new job and everything else. I would be annoyed too if I had a plan in motion and then my partner wanted me to hurry up.

 

There is nothing wrong about talking about when you want to be engaged. It's a huge decision and typically an expensive purchase that triggers even more expensive (and more long-term) planning, so of course you should talk it over with your partner. But once you agree on a timeline there's nothing else for you to do. Remember, a proposal and a wedding are just one day. The important part is nurturing the relationship you want to last for the rest of your life.

[Els]

I see no indication that he's stringing you along or doesn't want to marry you - in fact, I agree with the poster who suggested he probably picked up a side hustle to help pay for a ring. But I don't see the justification for bumping up the date, either. For all you know he did the math and determined he could afford a very nice ring by the end of the year with his new job and everything else. I would be annoyed too if I had a plan in motion and then my partner wanted me to hurry up.

 

 

This. It might not just be about the money, either - my custom ring took several months from start to finish.

 

 

 

I don't know if it's true for the OP's guy, but IMO some guys view the proposal and the ring they'll present you (not necessarily the item or the day itself, but rather the significance of it) as a Really Big Deal. And their feelings about it matter just as much as ours do.

[preraph]

I think you need to stop messing up his plan. Get pushy about it, and he will have second thoughts. Just shut up about it and enjoy life.

[PegNosePete]

Most couples nowadays talk about engagement before the actual proposal "happens" - it makes sense to me to make such big plans together, rather than one person having to do guesswork.

Oh I don't know about that. Definitely talking about marriage and the wedding makes a lot of sense. Planning to get married in the summer of 2020 or Halloween of 2025 or whatever... budgets to prepare, guest lists, bookings, etc etc. This requires good communication about future plans. Planning that 7 months ahead is pretty much essential.

 

But planning the engagement 7 months ahead? I don't think most couples do that. A proposal is a promise to marry. What they've essentially done is to say "in 7 months I'm going to promise to marry you". How does that even make sense? If you've promised to make a promise, then guess what, you've already promised! So congrats on your engagement

[lana-banana]

Oh I don't know about that. Definitely talking about marriage and the wedding makes a lot of sense. Planning to get married in the summer of 2020 or Halloween of 2025 or whatever... budgets to prepare, guest lists, bookings, etc etc. This requires good communication about future plans. Planning that 7 months ahead is pretty much essential.

 

But planning the engagement 7 months ahead? I don't think most couples do that. A proposal is a promise to marry. What they've essentially done is to say "in 7 months I'm going to promise to marry you". How does that even make sense? If you've promised to make a promise, then guess what, you've already promised! So congrats on your engagement

 

We didn't do it quite like that, but when we started talking about buying a house, we discussed whether we wanted to be engaged before or after. So at the time it wasn't "we promise to get engaged in 6 months"; it was "if we're going to buy a house, we'll get engaged sometime around then or go our separate ways when the lease expires." So I think planning ahead in some way is not that uncommon, particularly when you have practical concerns like leases, jobs, etc.

 

Also, by the way, planning a wedding 7 months ahead? If you're eloping at the courthouse, maybe! I got a cheap dress from a local boutique and it still took 9 months to be ready.

[BC1980]

I would actually like to know what this guy's reason for his timeline is.

[lana-banana]

I would actually like to know what this guy's reason for his timeline is.

 

If they recently moved to be together, it makes sense that they'd learn to live together and then he'd save for/buy a ring. Honestly, if his reaction to seeing her dream ring is "cool, why not just buy it together in a few months" I think it's safe to say he is quite serious about marrying OP. However, nagging won't help anything.

[Els]

Oh I don't know about that. Definitely talking about marriage and the wedding makes a lot of sense. Planning to get married in the summer of 2020 or Halloween of 2025 or whatever... budgets to prepare, guest lists, bookings, etc etc. This requires good communication about future plans. Planning that 7 months ahead is pretty much essential.

 

But planning the engagement 7 months ahead? I don't think most couples do that. A proposal is a promise to marry. What they've essentially done is to say "in 7 months I'm going to promise to marry you". How does that even make sense? If you've promised to make a promise, then guess what, you've already promised! So congrats on your engagement

 

 

It's not planning the exact day, time, manner etc as you would with the wedding - it's just both people talking about wanting to get engaged, say, within the next year or whatever. I mean, getting engaged takes two, I don't see how it makes sense to not talk about it at all until one person (the man) "pops the question"? How do you even know whether the other person wants to get married (not all women do, and among those who do, not all are ready just yet), what they think about joint finances, buying vs renting, families, etc? Is it really a good idea to go from bf/gf to fiance/fiancee without having talked about future plans AT ALL except for a one-liner from the man while presenting a ring?

 

 

I definitely saw H's proposal coming, as did just about every single one of my married girlfriends of a similar generation, lol!

Edited April 12, 2019 by Elswyth