Have I lost my bestfriend/ex forever?

[yaboinav]

This will be a long post, but I would appreciate it if you read it all and gave your input regarding this situation because if I'm being honest, I'm so totally confused! I'll include a summary below for you lazy buggers

 

Summary:

 

Five/six years ago met a girl. Got crazy in love and wanted to marry her. She didn't want me and left. After that I struggled to heal. Move forward 2 years to uni I meet another girl and she became my best friend. She developed feelings and wanted to pursue marriage. One day my past comes back, says she wants to give it a try and because I didn't full heal I went along with it. My best friend is hurt and leaves. This happened in October and I met her last month for reconciliation. She told me to move on.

 

Long story:

 

Around 17/18 I used to feel extremely lonely. I would look for friendships/relationships to basically fill the void in my heart. One day I stumbled across a person who became a very good friend. Over time we got really really close and developed feelings for each other. It got to the point where we both wanted to marry, but over time I could feel her doubting us. One of the reasons was due to me being from another caste/tribe/family and her family wouldn't allow it. The other reason was due to it being long distance and her family would think WTF. She didn't end it because she didn't want to be alone, and I could pursued even more because I didn't want to lose her. But as the months rolled by the pain got too much to handle so one day I asked her if she wants or if she wants to end it. She decided to end it. The whole time frame from meeting her to her leaving was 3 years, and I was 21 when it finally ended.

 

After that came my depression. Because I'm an only child I've always looked to others for support and I didn't know how to deal with this. I resorted to self-harming because I felt it was a good way to deal with the pain. I constantly yearned for her. When she left, she said to me "One day I'll come back and we'll continue things properly." Ever since then, I've been holding on to that and it destroyed any prospect of a healthy future relationship.

 

 

Fast forward to university and I'm still carrying this pain. In my first year I barely made any friends because this whole situation knocked my confidence, but in my 2nd year I said to myself I'm going to force myself to make new friends and deal with this properly. I'm now 22 and 2nd year has arrived. I decided to attend an event held by a society, and from there, I met my best friend. We had an amazing friendship. We clicked with each other and found counsel when needed. I shared my story with her and she helped so much to heal. Two years of friendship and I started to develop some kind of feelings for her, so I told her. Things went slowly there and she started to develop feelings for me, to the point where she wanted to consider marriage.

 

But due to me not healing from the past I was always hesitant when it came to going to the 'next level'. I really really cared for my best friend and I knew she would make an excellent wife/spouse. But what my past said to me about her coming back really *****d things in terms of moving on with my best friend. So fast forward to September of last year, my past came back into the picture and wanted to express how sorry she was. I didn't tell my best friend about this. She said she knew my pain and wanted to try things again and work for marriage. At first I was like NO! I've found someone else and you need to back. But I felt so emotionally ripped apart so I gave in to my past and went to her. What's really bad is that my past and my best friend both were talking to each other and she sent all of the screenshots of our conversation to my best friend. Well....you don't need to know what happened there. My best friend got immensely hurt and basically walked out. I thought that since she has gone, this is my chance with my past, but at the end of the day she also walked out.

 

I know it's my fault and I've come to realise how foolish I was. I had someone very good in front of me and I took her for granted because I wasn't strong enough to deal with my past properly which affected my current friendship and relationship with my best friend. This happened in October and she went into NC. I didn't really process the pain of what happened because a few weeks later I went on vacation for a month. When I came back in December, that's when It really really hit me. I broke NC and asked her to meet me. We met in a coffee shop and she said no wasn't interested. I gave her a letter explaining everything. Two days later, on my birthday, she rang me and basically said she needs space and wants to be alone. She said she forgives me.

 

A month goes by and we're in NC. Because we go to the same uni, seeing her made my feelings go crazy. I texted her for reconciliation. At first I was she like "No, not interested"...then she would say things like "I miss our friendship. I see you've changed and want to place my hope into that.". We texted back and forth and I pursued her too much at this point.

 

Last month she wanted to meet up for "closure" and tbh it didn't feel like it was a closure talk at all. We had our chat and she was basically telling me to move on and she see's no future with me. Since then I haven't contacted her nor will I contact her.

 

I just feel like a total idiot for what happened. I beat myself up for letting my past back into the picture and fu*king things up. Of course the blame lies on me and I take full responsibility for what occurred, but I wish I was strong enough to let my past go when I needed to. It's been 7 months now since it all happened and I feel like I've lost my best friend totally. Although I do feel like a totally different person to who I was, I do miss her incredibly.

 

What are your thoughts on this? I'm now 26 and she's 23.

[healing light]

I don't think you really have much of a choice in this matter. Your past ex showed that you still can't make things work out, and your best friend has asked you to move on.

 

Sounds like you need to put your effort into moving on and find a way to forgive yourself. You've already apologized and pursued--the answer was no. The best thing you can do for the future is to be open to other women and not wait for one of these two to come back.

[d0nnivain]

You hurt your BFF badly when you went back to the EX. Having learned that you can't make it work with the EX & things are really over you tried getting back with the friend. You made the friend feel like you were settling for her because you can't have the girl you really want, the EX.

 

You might have a prayer if you take very tiny baby steps & are patient with your friend as you try to win back her trust. Just keep the lines of communication open.

[Marc878]

Your x didn't want you back but but she didn't want anyone else to have you either. From your info this was a planned sabotage.

 

Yes, very foolish on your part. You live and learn.

 

You'll recover but you need to learn from this.

 

You're young and you'll find it'll all workout for the best.

[truf]

Wow man, that's quite an unique story imo. You got played pretty hard there. It's strange how both your earlier ex and your current ex were somehow talking to each other. Didn't you know? It almost feels like they tested you, but of course I don't know.

 

In essence, you've emotionally cheated on her. I don't know what you've said in those texts, but if you overstepped some big boundaries (badmouthing current ex/relationship, flirty/sexy pictures or whatever) you've really broken her trust enormously. It seems like some people walk away from that situation and will never look back. Some might however forgive... eventually. You know her better than any of us here do. Is she the forgiving type? Also keep in mind that sometimes forgiving does not mean she wants to try again. Is she the type that can forgive AND try again?

 

Unfortunately I don't think you can force trust. She needs time and space. You've said your piece and now it's time to really face your big issues. Without self-improvement, there will be no good relationship in the future.

 

So ask yourself these questions:

 

 

Why do you want to go back to your current ex anyway? If your early ex comes back and you give in so easily, isn't that a bit unfair to any relationship you'll have? This has a deeper underlying issue and you need to confront that issue, my friend. Either work really hard on yourself or better yet, talk with a mental health professional (especially considering your affective disorders).

 

The best thing is to face your issues and truly work hard on them. Only then and with time she might be interested again. This however isn't something that will be solved in a few weeks, maybe not even in a few months. You've been apart for a few months and just previous month she was certain in her decision. And I know that sucks. It sucks hard, but we can't force it. And if we do and we haven't changed, the same bull**** will happen in the future. So give her space, work on yourself and when you know your issues are managed, and you have solid proof of that (going to a therapist or books of notes of selfimprovement) you have a chance. Become the best you, man! You owe it to yourself and your future relationships, whoever they may be!

Edited April 8, 2019 by truf
Edit

[preraph]

You were foolish for taking a second shot at a past friend who didn't want you, as you put it.

[smackie9]

Do what she says....move on.

[kendahke]

Yeah, that ship sailed with the best friend.

 

Learn from this.

[vla1120]

My first thought was to wonder whether your "past" got wind of your new best friend and that is why she decided to reappear in your life out of the blue. There is that saying from Mark Twain - "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." That is exactly what you did, unfortunately. Basically, you did exactly to your new best friend what your "past" did to you - made her your option while holding out for "past" to make a reappearance. Now she feels exactly how you felt when your past walked out on you those years ago.

 

The best thing you can do is to learn from this experience. Slam the door on the "past" and don't open it again. Let your best friend know that she is your priority and maybe, maybe if you prove it convincingly enough, she will give you another chance. Meanwhile, confess to her that you realize you hurt her exactly the way your ex hurt you, and do everything you can moving forward to prove to her how sorry you are. She may not take you back and you may need to accept that you will never be more than friends, if that. Best of luck.

[loversquarrel]

Well a point most have missed... Your best friend... You just weren't that into her, if you were your ex would have remained your ex. I don't think what happened was necessarily a bad thing, you kept yourself from settling for someone because they were safe. The heart wants what the heart wants, yours just hasnt found that person yet.

[emeraldgreen]

That was a tag-team sh~t test. New options required!

[mark clemson]

Life's a marathon, not a sprint. I also once lost a GF that I really liked through my own stupidity. When I looked her up 2 decades later and saw how she ended up I realized it was for the best. I probably would have stuck with her. And it probably would have made my life suck

 

Point is not that the same thing would necessarily happen in your case. Just that you never know how things will turn out. Best thing to do is just make the best of the situation you're in and move forward.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened. It must feel like a lot of loss to you.

 

I did notice that you seem to be more attracted to what you have lost than what is in front of you. It is easy to fantasise the good things about someone who is gone and to forget the issues.

 

I am not criticising you; I can imagine doing the same thing. But whatever you do, don't encourage a new friend with ideas of a romantic relationship with you because it would be misleading her. It is best to be honest up front and say you tend to pine after exs.