Youngestdaughter Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 I hope I don't come off as petty and selfish as I feel. 14 years ago, I married a man with custody of his 6 year old daughter and 4 year old son. His ex is bipolar and in a bad place. She has gotten progressively better and the children have gravitated to her. This should make me happy and it would if it didn't seem like all they remembered about me was my mistakes. Frankly, I feel screwed. I taught them how to swim and tie their shoes and to do everything like they're gonna sign their name to it. I did the cake baking and present buying on their birthdays and Christmas, nightmares and homework and heartbreak and everything a mother does and more than mine did. I spent hours a day for weeks looking for scholarships for my stepdaughter and she chose to go to college night with her mother. She didn't even want me to go with them. I know she's their mother. Even my family says, "She's their mother." I don't have any kids of my own. Frankly, I never wanted any but I fell in love with this handsome, abandoned man and his motherless children. And I was deliriously happy until they started telling their mother bad things about me when they visited her. I even stayed when my marriage was in terrible shape for them. First, I want to know why my family is so insensitive. Secondly, I want to know, is giving birth everything? Is it such a magical thing that all the work I've done doesn't matter? My one sensitive family member, my sister, says they think if me as their mother and her as a cool aunt and when they're grown they will appreciate me. And I don't mean to sing my own praises, but I kinda thought raising other people's kids was a big deal. My father was not my biological father and I loved him even more for it. I don't even know what my question is. Was it all just a waste of time? A bad life decision on my part? P.S. My stepdaughter moved in with her mother when she graduated high school. Guess who she comes to when she needs money? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 It wasn't a mistake, but perhaps you're not going to get the "payout" you expected. Right now their bio mom is a shiny object. Hopefully that will wear off and they will recognize, acknowledge, and love you (and her) for your roles(s) in their lives. There is no guarantee unfortunately, but I think (and hope, for you) that it's pretty likely to happen eventually. They know your flaws inside and out; they don't know hers, yet... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 definitely not a mistake. Raising those kids was not a waste of your time, it just feels like that right now. Although I'm sure you did an awesome job and that you and the kids likely truly shared a loving bond, they probably always longed for positive attention from their mother, because kids are just like that. If they feel rejected or abandoned by their real mother it causes issues even if they have an amazing stepmom. They have feelings of low self worth and they always pine for missing parent. Now their mother is finally giving them the attention they always longed for and they are just riding that wave for now. They are not thinking of you and remembering everything you did for them, they are basking in their mother's love and attention. They may be adults but where their mother is concerned they are still little kids wondering why their mommy didn't love them enough to stay with them. Her attention now is like a salve on a festering wound. I know it hurts but give it time. It may take several years but the day will come when they realize exactly what you did for them and remember the love they have for you. You may feel like they are leaving you in the dust now but they will come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 9, 2019 Author Share Posted April 9, 2019 I don't know if many 18 and 20 year olds are crazy about their parents. It's less about the kids than other people's attitude. I'm just so sick of hearing, "She's their mother." And frimMY family. I think next time, I'm gonna say, "Well the chic owes me a fortune in babysitting money." My other sister said, "You're just going to have to accept the fact she's their mother and they will always prefer her to you." She's not intentionally cruel. She just has no filter. I just don't get that giving birth means more than tears of blood, sweat and tears. Yeah. This is almost definitely about my family...and I just realized that this second. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 9, 2019 Author Share Posted April 9, 2019 When they were little, they asked me if they could call me mommy and I said it would hurt their real mother's feelings. She's always been in their lives, just progressively more. And I should be happy their mother is better. I know I suck for being jealous. Thing is, I was the cool aunt until those kids took all my time and energy:) I do miss being the cool aunt. I'm just a mess! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 Well in that case just dont' talk to your family about the situation. Giving birth is not worth more than the sweat and tears you put into raising those kids and I don't believe that the kids will always prefer their biological mom over you. They will always love and care for their mom but their hearts are big enough for you too. However your sister doesn't understand that and you can't change what she thinks so just don't talk to her about this anymore because it will only upset you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 How’s your relationship with their father (your husband)? What’s his take on this? Personally I’m the cool aunt to my little niece and nephew. But I’ll never get into a relationship with a man with small kids (older children like at least 15-16 are fine). p.s. Don’t give them money anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 I don't think your family is insensitive, they are realistic. The work you have done most certainly does matter. Did you meet their father after he was divorced from their mother? Being a fulltime stepparent is pretty much the most thankless job in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 9, 2019 Author Share Posted April 9, 2019 I don't need to hear who their mother is. I know who gave birth to them. And when they were little I told them "Mommy loves you. She's just sick." So, I not only did all the work, I respected her position for their sake. So, I don't need it pointed out...unless I'm going to get my babysitting money.. Ironically, my father adopted my sisters and me and my sister's husband adopted her children. If I pointed out who biological fathers were, they would not take it nearly as well as I have. I never thought I'd have or marry someone with children, but you can't help with whom you fall in love. My husband thinks I am the mother of his children and my family are idiots. I just wanted to know if I made a huge mistake. But it doesn't matter. It's done. My stepdaughter is in college and I pay her to go grocery shopping. The good thing is, they're grown. My job is done. Pregnant? In jail? Need a new anything? Call your mama. She is, from what I keep hearing, their mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 well, it's not easy being the real day to day mother, year after year and having to hear all about the fun my orphans had with their cool aunt. she never had children of her own. she helped raise my bil's abandon boys. and she took my kids out on spending sprees 3 times a year. my oldest didn't blink when i gave her aunt the nick name miss honey from the movie maltilda. they kids had a blast with her. of course they did. she didn't have to make them go to bed or do their homework, get up for school or brush their teeth. all she had to do was take they out for lunch and shopping for anything they wanted for birthdays, xmas and easter, drink strawberry soda and eat frosted cake in the swimming pool at midnight, cuz she's fun. the two boys she helped raise were, imo, neglected since all she wanted to do was go to school at night for not one but two master degrees. after school she would go out with her classmates and drink. i'd go by their house and the two kids would be sitting in the dark in their school clothes with no dinner and no dad (long haul trucker) or mom. when i asked them what they were gonna eat they said she left a pack of hot dogs, no buns, that they were gonna microwave. eventually her "step kids" got to their teens and if they would not obey she would tell them my way or get out. first one came to live with me and then the other(hence, orphans) and after that, her husband came to. nevertheless, my daughter and she are still very close, which truth be told, irks me. just take advice from the old nursery rhyme, 'leave em alone and they'll come home..". and never underestimate the power of extra pocket money. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 My stepdaughter is in college and I pay her to go grocery shopping. Not sure what that means. Even if they were you bio kids, at this age they're be building some distance. Not sure why you need someone else's approval, pat yourself on the back for a job well done and contribution made to their lives. Someone asked how your marriage was, didn't see an answer? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 They're looking for approval from their bio mother by pretending that you didn't do that great a job. It's very likely that she's jealous of you and the fact that you took her place and did the job she wasn't capable of doing, and they're trying to keep on side with her by playing this stupid game. I'm wondering how you know they've been speaking ill of you? If you have proof of this I would confront them about it. Not just to defend yourself, but also to discuss with them the subject of spreading BS about other people, because that's nasty stuff. As far as your step-daughter coming to you for money - I'd be putting the kybosh on that quick smart. You're being taken for granted while their bio mother is wearing a halo she never earned. As far as the bi-polarity of the bio-mother goes, I'm not all that sympathetic. I grew up with a parent with a mental health issue and too often it's used an excuse for being a terrible parent. Very convenient that she's making progress now that her children are adults. No wonder you're peeved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 9, 2019 Author Share Posted April 9, 2019 I am not looking for approval. I am just tired of hearing who they're mother is. The man who raised me and loved me and taught me how to ride a bike is my daddy. I would have NEVER disrespected him by letting him know I was even curious about my "mother's first husband" as I call him. The kids haven't spoken ill of me in a long time and I heard about it from their mother. Like I said, it's not about the kids. I think my sweet sister is right. Even if they don't realise it, I'm the mother figure they are naturally rebelling from and their mom is the cool aunt with the tattoos. And it certainly has nothing to do with my marriage. I think I'm probably questioning my life choices like a lot of people my age who's kids are leaving the nest. I just resent the constant reminders of who their mother is. A. Obviously, I know. From what I understand, giving birth is not something that women forget:) and B. Like I said about my daddy, it would be disrespectful to the effort he put into raising me and insensitive to his feelings to point out he wasn't my biological father. The fact that he wasn't only made me love him more. And-this is just my opinion and has always been so it has nothing to do with my situation-I think time and effort counts more than biology. But I have a theory that people who claim biology so vehemently are insecure about how they raised their own children. But I now realize that even though I might be more successful in my own right had I not raised the kids, it is the most worthy thing I have ever done. And they gave me great joy. There's no point in wondering if it was a mistake. Even if it was, it's done. Thank you everyone for your replies. I think I am going to put this matter to rest. Be well...Y.D. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 9, 2019 Author Share Posted April 9, 2019 Actually, I make her earn the money. And they're just being kids their age. I could barely stand my mother at their age. That being said, judging from your post, I like you! If we ever met we could totally be friends! Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 Take the high road. Yes, you raised them, bandaged scraped knees, helped with school work, dried their tears. They will not forget that. They are just happy to have their mother back in their lives. You did a good job of encouraging a bond with their mother while they were growing up - MAJOR kudos on that - I've seen so many second wives who do nothing but bad mouth the kids' mothers. Keep being there for them. Hopefully, their mother will maintain her mental health, but should she slide backwards, they may need the consistency and support that you have offered them growing up. My daughters were grown when my husband and I divorced. He immediately moved in with another woman. My daughters wanted to hate her and it would have been easy for me to encourage them to do so, BUT, instead, I encouraged them to get to know her. As a mom, having another woman be a resource for my daughters is a GOOD thing. As a mom to them (which you were and are) having another resource for them will be a good thing (for them and for you.) Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 From what I have seen being a loving, supportive and responsible step parent is the hardest role in a family setting. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 Look, their mom has hurt them by being checked out for a lot of their lives, but it's their mom, so now that she's able to function a bit more, they are naturally eager to get back in her life, and you just have to accept that. Console yourself with the fact that although they may not appreciate you at this moment (and what kids do? The "parent" is usually the bane of their existence), once they have kids and become a parent, they will realize how much you did for them and appreciate you more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 9, 2019 Author Share Posted April 9, 2019 You are obviously a good person. And how your grown children's feelings speak volumes as to your parenting. I'm glad the kids' have their mother in their lives. The more people who love them the better. And my stepdaughter is 20, so she's getting out of her teenage rebellion and closer to me. She's even starting to appreciate my virtues her mother doesn't possess (apparently she raises her voice and isn't much of a cook). And their mother has respect for my position. My only objection is repeated reminders she's their mother and I was wondering if I made a mistake in raising them but I'm over that. It's done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 I think all moms feel underappreciated by a wide mile. But one of these days, these kids will be parents and at least some of them will look back and think, Look at what all she did for us, and she wasn't even our blood. It's good the 20-year-old is already showing signs! Try to see the glass as half full on this. And I assume you're getting a little extra time to yourself and maybe not quite as many chores, so find something to do for your own self when that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 Well, I can't help but notice their mother's timing. She hasn't been well for years and wasn't able to take care of her kids. But now, she's suddenly all better and ready to 'parent' them again at the most opportune time - when they're young adults and all the hard work of actually raising them through childhood has already been done. Gosh and golly - what were the chances her timing would be this perfect? Why, it's Kismet, I tell ya! Has she actually thanked you for doing her job? How about your husband? He should also be on his knees kissing your feet because I'm willing to bet he was looking for a wife to help him raise his kids back when he was single and he probably thanked his lucky stars he found someone willing to do it when you married him. Sometimes, it's just a really thankless job, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 “He should also be on his knees kissing your feet because I'm willing to bet he was looking for a wife to help him raise his kids back when he was single.” Unfortunately, this can be very true. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 But I now realize that even though I might be more successful in my own right had I not raised the kids, it is the most worthy thing I have ever done. And they gave me great joy. There's no point in wondering if it was a mistake. Even if it was, it's done. I'm not sure you're different from most parents. Even if no one else does, we remember the 3:00 am illnesses, last minute projects and endless miles driven from Activity A to Friend B. The satisfaction comes from within and your repayment is doled out in bits and pieces over their lives. In your case, way too early to close the book... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 Do they give you mothers day cards? Give you bday gifts? Do or have they ever shown any appreciation towards you? If not then your husband, their father needs to ream them into respecting you and showing appreciation for all that you did for them. I'm sure it hurts to be shoved aside and now their bio mom is the light of their eyes 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 10, 2019 Author Share Posted April 10, 2019 To be fair to their mother, she has been in their lives ten years. She's bipolar. She's gotten progressively better with meds and treatment and progressively more involved. I have NO quarrel with her. Yes, I get Mother's day cards and presents. They stretched out my birthday three days giving me a card the first, a pink and gold pencil holder on the second (my favorite colors) the second and a necklace with a pearl pendant I am wearing because I never take it off. I know they love me and will appreciate me one day. I just always wanted to be a professor and I chose marriage and family over finishing my education. Sometimes I think that was a bad decision because, as my family continues to point out, she's th Link to post Share on other sites
Author Youngestdaughter Posted April 10, 2019 Author Share Posted April 10, 2019 Their mother. I did resent that but now I realize that my mother and sister are insecure about how they raised their children. That's why they hold onto biology. No one can take that from them. Even their mother says they have 2 mothers and calls them "our kids". But if anybody has anything clever I can say to my mother and sister, that would be great. I was the wild child growing up and I think both of them have a hard time believing I could do anything noble. And, frankly, I have been a better mother than either of them. My mother was a lazy narcissist. And giving her children things as opposed to teaching them values was more important to my sister than teaching them values. A zinger would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
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