I want to rekindle but he is blocked my attempts

[GreenBlueGreen]

I have been with my other half for fifteen years, we have in the past broken up for long periods of time. However five years ago we decided that we were both mature adults and to make it work we took the next step and bought a house and finally moved in together.

 

A year later we got married.

 

My other half has a mental illness, he decided to stop taking his meds and his mental illness has taken over. I left him after he went on a rant about all my flaws and questioned me trivial stuff I did or didn't do over the past fifteen years.

 

It has been over eight weeks, I thought it is time we have been separated and things have cooled off. We have had dinner/lunch dates. I even started to sleep back at our house a few nights.

 

Last week, he went on a tangent because I didn't get a specific deli item which the shop didn't have in stock and he was pissed that I didn't wash up pots that he used before I went and stayed. Than he unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook.

 

Today I went back to our house, I noticed he has changed furniture arrangements and a few other things. Those pots were still on the sink waiting to be washed. I walked into our bedroom and he had the doona covering his head and he was pretending to be asleep. I busied myself by collecting my mail, some documents, paper work and I fed our pets.

 

I was rather noisy but he just laid in bed. I felt rather uncomfortable and I left after feeding the pets. I don't know.

 

I try and try, I want to restart afresh and rekindle what we had. When I spent time with him, he had his head buried in his game app. So I spent time playing online games on my computer because he was not paying attention.

 

The only thing that sparks his interest is sex but I want more than that. I feel so lonely and I'm angry by his attitude. He is acting like a child ignoring me at the house and even in public. Guy is 46 years old.

 

I am lost on what to do. I have exhausted all avenues. I just want my husband back, the one who I did a lot with and barely argued. Not this loser who spends his time playing game apps and picking fights.

 

I want to go home.

[vla1120]

It sounds like you've had a tumultuous relationship for the past 15 years. Does he have a history of stopping/starting his medications? Is he open to therapy and restarting his medication?

 

Unless he agrees to start taking his meds again, you are probably fighting a losing battle. You have to ask yourself if this is the way you really want to live for the rest of your life.

[Marc878]

He's a man child this is probably all you'll get

[preraph]

This guy isn't going to change, and he's making crazy demands of you. Take the pets because he's probably not competent to care for them. Get out of his life. You're right that all he wants is sex. He doesn't want any obligations or anything. You are just someone to have sex with and no one else will have him. He's not taking care of himself or the dogs or you or the house. For God's sake, wake up and move on. Your life would be much easier without this person dragging you down.

[ExpatInItaly]

What is the mental illness he suffers from, OP?

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, I know you want to go home and you want your partner back. But, this is your partner... you need to accept that. He has a mental illness. That won’t go away, and it won’t get better without treatment.

 

You’ve spent 15 years of your life, trying to make it work with this man. He is not well, he is not compliant with treatment, and as such - it is not possible to have a healthy and stable relationship with him.

 

In much the same way that an individual has a relationship with a partner who has an addiction, it would seem that you likely have some very codependent tendencies evident by the fact that you have stayed in this relationship for a long time - through the good and the bad, through function and dysfunction... Perhaps, individual counselling would be helpful OP. You deserve more than to be walking on eggshells in your own home. You need to understand the three C’s - you didn’t cause this, you don’t control it, and you can not cure it.

 

I wish you well.

Edited April 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to go home.

 

Like so many things in life, it's not just up to you.

 

Your post seems to give his mental illness little importance, it's almost as if you think he's acting willfully. Really difficult to give you much feedback without knowing more about the type and severity of his disorder, and how it affects his life and your relationship.

 

In general, expecting a healthy marriage with someone who's ill is to court disappointment and frustration. You might have to be more realistic about your wishes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Your post seems to give his mental illness little importance, it's almost as if you think he's acting willfully.

 

Completely agree.

 

It’s almost as if you think he is acting willfully, and as such - that he can somehow change his behavior and be a healthy partner for you. And it’s also almost as if you think you can somehow change his behavior. Neither will happen.

 

To think that you have any influence over how his illness affects his behavior is to set yourself up for failure and disappointment. There are some things in life that we just can’t control, no matter how much we may try... and this is one of those things.

[GreenBlueGreen]

Thank you for the replies.

 

My other half is schizophrenic, he has medication and I was with him when he got officially treated.

 

I tried to call him today but he is not answering. This is the thing also I feel I have to pop in at the house to check on his well being. Even if it is for ten minutes. Just to make sure he and our pets are okay.

 

I can not have our pets as I'm back home with my parents and they don't have room for them.

 

You guys are right I shouldn't be expecting to much. I have held out on my end but he isn't willing to communicate with me. Perhaps it is a lost cause.

 

Sad thing is I'm sure his mother is talking into his ear encouraging him for the separation (she did this to my brother in law and his former wife). My mother on the other hand is telling me I should get the divorce going and make my SO sell the house and split the profits.

 

I don't want to do it. I hate feeling alone and trying to work it all out.

[BaileyB]

Schizophrenia is a serious diagnosis. Be very careful, people can become very unstable and unpredictable when they go off their meds. You can always call the police to do a wellness check. It would be safer for you to do that.

 

My boyfriend’s ex-wife developed a mental illness during their marriage. He hung in for 10+ years because they had a child before he finally said - “I can’t do this anymore” and filed for divorce. It took him a long time to untangle from her and a long time to recover. Do yourself a favour and end it now, before you have children and a more complicated division of assets. And, save yourself the pain... trust me, she refuses treatment and it’s still not easy dealing with her on a daily basis. It has profoundly affected my boyfriend and their son.

[elaine567]

You can't leave a man with schizophrenia and off his meds with your pets.

It is not safe for them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have held out on my end but he isn't willing to communicate with me.

 

Again, you seem to be underestimating the impact of his illness. It's more "can't" than "isn't willing".

 

Was he like this when he was taking his meds?

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Your mother is right. You need to sell the house, and with that money you need to get a place for you and the pets. He'll have to live with his family or on his own.