Its Over

[Lotus_Luna]

I’m not hurting

There’s no withdrawals

Just at peace. I love him, I always will but I need to let go.

There wasn’t a fight or boundary. Just a slow drift...

My experience wasn’t one of empty promises or hightened emotions. Maybe that’s why I’m okay? It was about healing and growth. He and I are on like journeys but separately. We have something we nees to prove to oursleves.

[mark clemson]

That's good. Congratulations. Take a deep breath - today is the first day of the rest of your life.

[Lewhawk]

Have you left your husband yet?

[Lotus_Luna]

Have you left your husband yet?

 

Unfortunately I had a financial setback. But, I’m working my way through it and continuing with my original plans just with a delayed timeline.

[Lotus_Luna]

Have you left your husband yet?

 

I don’t know about that, I was happy before and I’m happy now. The relationship put me back on course to figure out who I needed to be for myself. The day I realized I didn’t need any man to be happy or relationship to defined me was really the first day of the rest of my life. Choosing to engage in the affair had no impact on that.

[Naivewomen]

Lotus Luna, I'm happy you are free from MM but the pain and withdrawal will happen. You spent 2 years of your life getting to know him and admire all of his great qualities. You will miss him alot and that's when the pain comes. I hope for you that it's a quick and easy process. But dont underestimate the process. I'm sorry.

[Lotus_Luna]

Lotus Luna, I'm happy you are free from MM but the pain and withdrawal will happen. You spent 2 years of your life getting to know him and admire all of his great qualities. You will miss him alot and that's when the pain comes. I hope for you that it's a quick and easy process. But dont underestimate the process. I'm sorry.

 

I’m okay with missing him.

Its releasing the expectations I had. Thats thr hardedt part.

 

But I’ve learned you can have a deep mental and emotional connection with someone. I know if I let go of expectations, continue my journey and heal that can happen again.

 

He will always be precious to me.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Lotus_Luna,

 

I'm glad you found some clarity and discontinued the affair. The affair wasn't a good choice for you and your family. I do have a question. Did your husband ever get the help he needed for Domestic Abuse? I know you tried to help him to pursue counseling. Did anything good come from that?

[Lotus_Luna]

Dear Lotus_Luna,

 

I'm glad you found some clarity and discontinued the affair. The affair wasn't a good choice for you and your family. I do have a question. Did your husband ever get the help he needed for Domestic Abuse? I know you tried to help him to pursue counseling. Did anything good come from that?

 

He’s been in therapy for awhike now, but in the last 3 months its started to click. He had another hiccup a few weeks ago and had to leave the house for awhile. He reconized he wasn’t safe or healthy and went. It wasnt fun but he took responsibility for his actions instead of projecting it on everyone else.

 

So in some ways he has made improvements but with his shaky mental health it could all change tomorrow.

 

He did remind me this week he would destroy my life if he ever finds out I wasnt faithful. I just kinda rolled my eyes at his threats because they’re not rooted in reality.

[Zona]

He’s been in therapy for awhike now, but in the last 3 months its started to click. He had another hiccup a few weeks ago and had to leave the house for awhile. He reconized he wasn’t safe or healthy and went. It wasnt fun but he took responsibility for his actions instead of projecting it on everyone else.

 

So in some ways he has made improvements but with his shaky mental health it could all change tomorrow.

 

He did remind me this week he would destroy my life if he ever finds out I wasnt faithful. I just kinda rolled my eyes at his threats because they’re not rooted in reality.

 

Hopefully your husband gets the help he needs to be a safer partner. What about you? Are you willing to admit now that adultery is a form of abuse? It's one of the cruelest things you could do to your spouse.

[Dreamer2017]

Zona has made an excellent point. Adultery is a form of abuse. What are your plans for your marriage? Will you continue on the path of divorcing your husband?

[Zona]

Adultery is a form of abuse.

 

It's one of the most traumatizing things that can happen to a person, often resulting in PTSD and lifelong psychological damage (inability to trust people, anxiety, triggers, etc.) similar to what happens to victims of sexual assault. And of course there is the issue of the unsuspecting spouse (who thinks s/he is in a monogamous relationship) being opened up to the risk of STD's by unknown third parties. Some STD's can lay dormant or fester for years, leading to serious health issues such as infertility, cancer and even death.

[Lotus_Luna]

Zona has made an excellent point. Adultery is a form of abuse. What are your plans for your marriage? Will you continue on the path of divorcing your husband?

 

Yes, I intend to come forward and end the relationship. Im not particularly eager since he made it clear he will ‘ruin my life’ if I ever reconnect with AP. But that’s why I’m preparing now.

I’m starting to see past his threats and look forward having stability in my life. i knew before the affair started the relationship was done. Too much abuse, pain and neglect. I’m happy he is working to being a healthier person but I cant go back to a toxic dynamic. Its not fair to him or myself or the kids who suffer the most.

[Lotus_Luna]

It's one of the most traumatizing things that can happen to a person, often resulting in PTSD and lifelong psychological damage (inability to trust people, anxiety, triggers, etc.) similar to what happens to victims of sexual assault. And of course there is the issue of the unsuspecting spouse (who thinks s/he is in a monogamous relationship) being opened up to the risk of STD's by unknown third parties. Some STD's can lay dormant or fester for years, leading to serious health issues such as infertility, cancer and even death.

 

Yeah STDs isnt a concern and I’m well aware of the consequences. I live them daily as the ‘bad wife’...

 

While two wrongs dont equal a right, he put me through a hellva lot more. Hes abused me every way possible and he is trying to learn from that. I live with serious deep scars from years of abuse. Affair aside I have had to work through that for years.

 

This is why I feel the marriage is done... I cant get oast the abuse even if he is getting help. When he is stressed he still comes after me, with BPD it will never be an easy relationship for him.

[Confused48]

It was about healing and growth. He and I are on like journeys but separately. We have something we nees to prove to oursleves.

 

OMG. You have been here 2 years and you don't know how silly this sounds?

 

He will always be precious to me.

 

This would be hilarious except it is so sad, to say this seriously about a MW/MM affair.

[mark clemson]

So being married means you're never allowed to have someone else special in your life? Hmmm. Doesn't sounds realistic. I guess I"m not fully wired for monogamy the way some folks are.

 

Nothing "hilarious" about a woman being abused for years by a spouse with BPD trying to find solace somehow, even if it's the "wrong way" in many people's views.

 

SMH.

[DKT3]

Toxic relationships our rarely, if ever one sided. I'm totally basing this off what she has posted in her time here, but I believe OP is every bit as abusive and toxic as her husband. Her posts are all over the place. In one she will talk about a physical nature in her affair then say it was never physical.

 

Yeah, we could all gang up on her husband for being abusive but ultimately that isnt going to help her because she is responsible for the situation she is in. It's time she holds herself accountable. Leaving her marriage is only a part of her getting to a healthy place. There is a lot of truthful and honest reflection needed.

[Lotus_Luna]

So being married means you're never allowed to have someone else special in your life? Hmmm. Doesn't sounds realistic. I guess I"m not fully wired for monogamy the way some folks are.

 

Nothing "hilarious" about a woman being abused for years by a spouse with BPD trying to find solace somehow, even if it's the "wrong way" in many people's views.

 

SMH.

 

I think there is a process

 

I was super broken and this man watched for a long time and wanted to help. He didnt give me lines or promises. He just stood by me and supported the kids and I. I have gone through exceptional personal growth in two years. I stood up to an abusive man, I started a business, rebuilt my self worth and started making real connections. Most women isolate themselves while having affair, living in shame.

 

I bloomed... and now here we are.

 

I dont want to lie to my husband, and I don’t need my AP to validate me.

 

I wish them both peace and happiness.

[Lotus_Luna]

Toxic relationships our rarely, if ever one sided. I'm totally basing this off what she has posted in her time here, but I believe OP is every bit as abusive and toxic as her husband. Her posts are all over the place. In one she will talk about a physical nature in her affair then say it was never physical.

 

Yeah, we could all gang up on her husband for being abusive but ultimately that isnt going to help her because she is responsible for the situation she is in. It's time she holds herself accountable. Leaving her marriage is only a part of her getting to a healthy place. There is a lot of truthful and honest reflection needed.

 

I’ve been honest that we have been intimate a few times but never had sex. And its been a long time since that has happened now.

 

I also dont feel the need to share all the details on a random website that doesnt allow for deleting later. I feel its a risk...

 

But I really havent been all over the place, just not crystal clear to internet strangers... I dont feel I owe them that.

[DKT3]

Your right, you dont owe us anything. That isnt my point. There is a sense of disingenuousness in your posts. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe it's a bleed over from your real life. Its possible the your posts simply reflect your emotional status in that moment.

 

At the end of the day, if I'm right or wrong you are still responsible. Understanding that you can't find happiness that doesn't exist buy stealing moments from another womans husband, nor can you really blame others for your unhappiness.

[Lotus_Luna]

Your right, you dont owe us anything. That isnt my point. There is a sense of disingenuousness in your posts. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe it's a bleed over from your real life. Its possible the your posts simply reflect your emotional status in that moment.

 

At the end of the day, if I'm right or wrong you are still responsible. Understanding that you can't find happiness that doesn't exist buy stealing moments from another womans husband, nor can you really blame others for your unhappiness.

 

I agree with you. My happiness needs to come from within. Its not anyone’s responsibility to ensure it.

 

Does my AP make me happy? No... hes just a person. He can make me feel secure and loved when he is supportive.

 

Does my Husband make me unhappy? Not entirely, he tries but we aren’t compatible and both are working on our demons. He is beginning to recognize our relationship never was what he wanted.

 

We both cant think of a time we felt happy in our marriage. And the way we reacted to that unhappiness ultimately hurt and damanged ourselves and each other. His BPD was a HUGE contribution to this problem, but as he is working on his behavior its becoming apparent I’m not the type of partner he wants in a relationship.

 

No one is innocent or guilty, it just is.

[pepperbird]

Why do you stay in your home and allow your kids to be subjected to witnessing the abuse?

 

 

Why did you not leave instead of using a two yer long affair as a crutch to keep yourself and your kids an an environment that is so abusive? Why did you do that instead of leave?

[pepperbird]

So being married means you're never allowed to have someone else special in your life? Hmmm. Doesn't sounds realistic. I guess I"m not fully wired for monogamy the way some folks are.

 

Nothing "hilarious" about a woman being abused for years by a spouse with BPD trying to find solace somehow, even if it's the "wrong way" in many people's views.

 

.

 

 

No, there is absolutely nothing funny about it. There is also nothing funny about how she spent the last two years using an affair to salve her pain, meanwhile her kids got to stay in the home that included spousal abuse.

 

I'm sorry I know this sounds really mean, but it's really hard to feel anything but bad about how the kids are the ones who will pay the highest price for all of this. I am sick to death of seeing adults forget that they are the ones who really pay for adults finding themselves.

Edited April 10, 2019 by pepperbird

[Zona]

he put me through a hellva lot more. Hes abused me every way possible

 

 

If he really has BPD, then unfortunately that kind of behavior is common. I still don't think this justifies having an affair with a married man though. Divorce, yeah, but not interloping on someone else's marriage.

Edited April 10, 2019 by Zona

[Lotus_Luna]

Why do you stay in your home and allow your kids to be subjected to witnessing the abuse?

 

 

Why did you not leave instead of using a two yer long affair as a crutch to keep yourself and your kids an an environment that is so abusive? Why did you do that instead of leave?

 

Its so easy to say just leave

 

I had no where to go

I had no money

I was too broken to even admit it was abuse.

I had no way to protect the kids from shared custody. No paper trail or evidence...

 

I justified and excused and felt his behavior was MY fault.

 

Once it became clear what was happening I reacted. I got the appropriate people involved to get him, myself and the kids help.

 

I dont want to go into details about it, but I dont regret pushing back. He was forced to face his issues and has been able to work on them. While he struggles to accept responsibility of his actions wholly he is working with his therapist to change.

 

I dont know why you think the affair was a crutch? I wasnt planning to leave with AP or anything. It was happening while I was working on my stuff. My family and community was not supportive of a seperation. I still get a lot of pressure to stay.